AIBU to feel furious after my father ruined my new home?

[Yousernane]

To be furious? and hate all men and not want another man in my house ever!!!
i need sound advice because i know im not thinking straight at the minute & my anxiety is through the roof.

I am 4 months out of a 20 year relationship with an abusive emotionally dangerous narcissistic. Spent the last 4 months in with family then emergency accommodation (which was disgusting) out of area with small children.
I have now recently moved into my first home
With nothing but clothes & a few toys. I have spent my last bit of savings on household items, and kindly been gifted some items to make my home a home.
I invited my father to come and visit, i bought and cooked lunch, he had a drink so i offered him to stay over and he has wet himself and then slept on my brand new sofa, all my new throws have had to be binned, he blamed the dog. My rug has had to be thrown out and my babies toy box.
i beleved it was the dog until after i took him home where i could smeall urine, all
my soft furnishings now smell
my car passenger seat too.
to top if off i have found stains on my walls/ ceiling it looks like coke or coffee.

am i overreacting? To be upset/ angry
do i say something or brush it off as an accident?

am i being unreasonable to say i hate men and dont want another man in my house

What's a washing machine for if not for washing dirty stuff???

That's really stupid

Is it possible the dog had an accident? I just can’t imagine a grown adult peeing on a living room floor.

Not someone else piss

Washing machines can tackle a lot of stuff. I don't understand why you didn't just wash the throws a couple of times instead of binning them?

@Jellycatspyjamas no it was human wee and the dog doesn’t wee in the house at all even when left

I can understand your anger, but if you have pets or kids there will be piss running through it at some point because animals and children get sick and have accidents. It’s a real shame so much was damaged.

You didn't overreact in being angry, but you did in throwing out things that could be washed. And now you're even more angry, and that bit is on you. I'd be angry, and have sworn a lot while washing things, but not have thrown out things thay can be easily cleaned.

That is absolutely vile. I'm sorry OP. Clearly your dad has a drinking problem and maybe that's contributed to why you've found yourself in relationships with narcissistic men. It's time to start prioritising yourself. You don't need disgusting drunk pigs in either your or your children's lives.

Classic MN - everyone having a go at the OP and NOT AT THE MAN WHO PISSED ON HER STUFF.

This place is full of twats at times.

How much did he drink that he pissed himself? This is so beyond the realms of normality.

And throwing stuff out that could’ve been washed is absolutely ridiculous.

Tbf up the walls is a new one.

Ignore me if I’m barking up the wrong tree, I notice that women who end up in relationships with emotionally abusive men, often have had regain behaviours normalised by the men that raised them, the anger you’re feeling suggests to me that your dad has form for letting you down or lying to you.

I can’t articulate it well but if it’s anything like my experience with my own Dad, there’s this deep inside part of me that always wants to see the best in him, I’d tell myself he loves me really, I’d have believed the “I didn’t do that it was the dog” type of lie because my gut would want to beleive my father wouldn’t disrespect me like that, especially after everything you’ve been through, it took a lot of therapy for me to realise my father displayed the same behaviour that the men I was drawn to did, and in this scenario I’d have chucked those rugs out too, they’d feel contaminated with lies and disappointment and shame, and every time I looked at them I’d link the memory of him getting pissed and pissing all over my home at the time I needed the most support.

Apologies if it’s out of character for him and he’s usually an emotionally present decent dad, Im really sorry you’ve had this happen.

I binned them because i was angry they were lovely and new and i dont want to keep them they were only £10 to be fair

i was just so happy & proud of myself before this to have lovely clean stuff and a nice home at last that dont stink of smoke from like my previous relationship

He's clearly an alcoholic. I'd be very low contact and certainly never have him back in your home.

Well his behavior is vile and I wouldn't want him back in my house or round my kids TBH.

i have a brand new washing machine i dont want mans piss running through it and i was angry all my lovely new items were ruined thats why i binned them

This is just insane. Wash the stuff at min 60 and but some febreze or bi carb to deal with any smell left.

As PP says kids and pets get ill so machine will have urine in it at some point - it's for washing stuff in - so wash the stuff put a machine clean on after if your that worried.

I wouldn't through out easily cleanable items and don't know many who would - and I'm in a much better position than you to do so.

OP when you've calmed down, you'll have wished you had just washed them. It is annoying when you've finally got a safe space for yourself and someone spoils it..lesson learned for letting him stay again if he can't hold his drink.

YANBU to be upset

But

YABU to throw away your throws!

They can be cleaned in your washing machine. I appreciate you have said above you don't want urine in your machine but there will be no trace of it left. Or send them to a launderette? Because the cost of replacing is probably more than the cost of a professional clean?

Oh, that's such a disappointment, OP. I get why you're furious with him, but if you can retrieve the things you've thrown in the bin and wash them, then do. Washing machines can cope, and toy boxes can be wiped and disinfected. It would be a real shame to deprive yourself of your new things in a state of high emotion.

Take a deep breath. Have a cup of tea and a biscuit.
Focus on how well you’ve done leaving an abusive relationship and getting started again. There is no need to have men in your house if you don’t want them.

The washing machine is going to have far worse through it in its time, it makes no difference whose pee it is.

Why are you being so unpleasant to her? Her new stuff has been wrecked by yet another abusive man in her life so she's binned it. It's not difficult to understand.

Amazing how many posters are focused on this (and slagging off the OP) and not the obvious history of abuse. So much for women supporting women.

Well yes, because there is zero context and it is rather hard to believe that he did it on purpose. The fact that OP smelled urine in his house when she dropped him off suggests a health issue, self-neglect, maybe dementia... whatever. In which case a normal response is to find out what's going on with your parent and whether they need any support. Not go around throwing perfectly good items away because she has some kind of a thing about using a washing machine for what it was intended.

This is very odd. Who chucks things out as they don’t want pee in their washing machine,

I binned them because i was angry they were lovely and new and i dont want to keep them they were only £10 to be fair

Okay they feel tainted and remind you of being let down - fair enough though I'd have washed and replaced on my own timetable not thrown out in a temper.

I do suspect he's behind a lot of your issues though and if this event helps you keep your distance and distance between him and your kids - then use the anger to protect you all.