AIBU to feel furious after my father ruined my new home?

[Yousernane]

To be furious? and hate all men and not want another man in my house ever!!!
i need sound advice because i know im not thinking straight at the minute & my anxiety is through the roof.

I am 4 months out of a 20 year relationship with an abusive emotionally dangerous narcissistic. Spent the last 4 months in with family then emergency accommodation (which was disgusting) out of area with small children.
I have now recently moved into my first home
With nothing but clothes & a few toys. I have spent my last bit of savings on household items, and kindly been gifted some items to make my home a home.
I invited my father to come and visit, i bought and cooked lunch, he had a drink so i offered him to stay over and he has wet himself and then slept on my brand new sofa, all my new throws have had to be binned, he blamed the dog. My rug has had to be thrown out and my babies toy box.
i beleved it was the dog until after i took him home where i could smeall urine, all
my soft furnishings now smell
my car passenger seat too.
to top if off i have found stains on my walls/ ceiling it looks like coke or coffee.

am i overreacting? To be upset/ angry
do i say something or brush it off as an accident?

am i being unreasonable to say i hate men and dont want another man in my house

Lowest of the low for father to blame innocent dog, that sort of doubles the offence imho. Personally I’d never forgive.

Sometimes charity shops have fantastic stuff, especially Trussell trust; maybe you’ll find some even nicer soft furnishings, I hope you do 💐

I do wish people would stop going on about washing stuff! It's not relevant to the fact her dad pissed all over the place and she's pretty, understandably upset about it. So what, if she binned the stuff? She was upset!

Thanks all a lot to go through and i will take all advice

All the best 🙂.
I hope your home becomes a sanctuary again 🙏

Sounds grim and i can understand why you are upset .
Although washing the throws thoroughly and cleaning the sofa would resolve for me.
It sounds like your new home is your safe space/sanctuary and its been violated so i can understand your sentiments and feelings.
Don't have him round if it makes you feel safer.

Christ, it's not like a child or a dog peeing on something. As others have said, you'd have no possessions left if you binned everything they had an accident on. This is a grown man - an adult guest - behaving like a bum in the street, and it must be dreadful to see your parent in that state. Throwing the stuff away is cathartic, even if you are a tenner down, whereas having to look at it even when laundered would keep the memory playing in your head. Not worth it.

The lying would make me angry.

My friend leaked her period blood all over my brand new sofa.

I’m not going to lie, I was gutted.
It was the first time I’d ever been able to afford a new sofa as all my other ones were second hand.
She couldn’t sleep apparently so went downstairs and then fell asleep on the sofa.
It obviously stained as it was blood on a light coloured sofa.

The difference was that she was mortified and kept apologising and wanting to pay for it.
I told her not to worry about it and wouldn’t accept any money for it.

I guess your dad was embarrassed and my friend couldn’t exactly deny it but the wetting himself wouldn’t have bothered me so much but the lying and attitude afterwards would have.

I wouldn’t ban him from your home if you get on with him usually and I absolutely wouldn’t judge him based on being a man.

I usually roll my eyes at people saying not all men but seriously in this case, not all men will do this if you invite them into your home. This is very specific and gross.

Just how horrible for you.
l can understand your anger and frustration.
Regarding the sofa, get some special enzyme spray that’s for animal wee
it works on human wee too.
Other sprays don’t work as they don’t break down using enzymes.
Good Luck

To be honest, I wouldn’t want to keep throws and a rug that my dad had pissed all over either. I’d think about it every time I looked at them. Yuck.

I'm not sure what's funnier.....the fact you've made so much fuss over a tenner or the fact you're horrified at wee going through a washing machine along with several gallons of water.

Git!

I understand why you are furious, but if you have young children surely you are used to stains on throws and furniture. Can’t you just wash things? To say you don’t want urine-stained things in your washing machine is just ridiculous. How do you think people used to manage in the days before disposable nappies?

YANBU to be livid with your father.

It's unreasonable to tar all men with the same brush, most men would not pee on the sofa and would use continence aids if this was at all likely to happen; and would apologise and offer to clean/replace anything accidentally damaged for any reason.

I hope you can get your lovely home fresh and clean again.

Totally reasonable to bar your dad, or indeed any man who is the worse for alcohol, from your house in the future.

Prostate cancer.
I'm guessing you are in your 40s. He could be heading towards 70s. He's got waterworks issues but is too embarrassed to admit it. He needs checking out.
I feel sorry for you. You are obviously totally stressed out. Perhaps a bit ocd. I can understand your pride in your new house, new start. You were a bit extreme in ditching the kids toys. You need to calm down. Relax. Be kind to yourself.
Please could everyone remember that old men who smell of wee often have prostate issues.

My bar is low with two males who for different reasons wet themselves quite a lot

Is he a nice man/dad? Is he generally slovenly ?
Nasty /thoughtless ?

Will he not care or feel humiliated by this ? Did he show any remorse ?

Yes be furious with him, but binning everything and not wanting pee in your washing machine is another level of crazy. Wee won’t damage your WM and it drains away, what a weird way to think.
For someone who has nothing that’s incredibly wasteful.

Really rubbish behaviour from your father, after you made an effort to make him feel welcome, after all you’ve been through. I’d go low contact with him in your position. My late dad used to take that kind of liberty and tgeee were times I told him he couldn’t come round. understand you not wanting a trace of his body fluids in your place, but to repeat everyone else, that’s what washing machines are for. Be careful not to let anger drive you towards unwise choices.

He pays you for what he's ruined, though in future just wash throws etc in biological washing liquid/powder, it won't affect the machine (says the person who had to use her new machine as the dog forgot to go outside)
I think paying for new things at least shows you he's sorry and wishes to put things right.

There’s much to unpick here

1. Your dads an utter disgrace and you should absolutely ban him from your home.
2. “man piss” running through a washing machine and wreaking havoc on all items is also not a thing. At all. Wash your belongings and you’ll be fine.

i have a brand new washing machine i dont want mans piss running through it

Oh for god's sake, grow up. 😂You have a baby for crying out loud. Are you one of those people who throws away the baby's clothes every time they get a bit of poo or vomit on them? Worrying about the insides of your machine from a small bit of urine is absolutely ridiculous, but you could always have given the stuff a pre-wash then a full wash if you were that concerned.

However, I don't blame you for being furious with your father. He's disgusting. The fact that he had so much to drink while visiting you and your children that he pissed himself and threw his drink up the wall is just skanky, horrible behaviour. Completely inappropriate time and place to be getting leathered.

"How much did you give him to drink"

Honestly, I'm shocked at the amount of victim-blaming I've seen on this thread.

Lovely. It IS hilarious when a woman who's come out of an abusive relationship and a period of being homeless is pissed all over isn't it? You must be splitting your sides.

Oh come on. I bet half the people saying the OP should just wash the man-piss-soaked stuff and shut up wouldn't be at all willing to allow their washing machines to be used by, for example, a homeless shelter, where all the sheets and clothes are absolutely saturated in the stuff.

It's a stretch to call that victim blaming! It's normal to give people something to drink if they visit. To me it sounds like the poster was simply trying to ascertain if he was drunk.