AIBU to feel furious after my father ruined my new home?

[Yousernane]

To be furious? and hate all men and not want another man in my house ever!!!
i need sound advice because i know im not thinking straight at the minute & my anxiety is through the roof.

I am 4 months out of a 20 year relationship with an abusive emotionally dangerous narcissistic. Spent the last 4 months in with family then emergency accommodation (which was disgusting) out of area with small children.
I have now recently moved into my first home
With nothing but clothes & a few toys. I have spent my last bit of savings on household items, and kindly been gifted some items to make my home a home.
I invited my father to come and visit, i bought and cooked lunch, he had a drink so i offered him to stay over and he has wet himself and then slept on my brand new sofa, all my new throws have had to be binned, he blamed the dog. My rug has had to be thrown out and my babies toy box.
i beleved it was the dog until after i took him home where i could smeall urine, all
my soft furnishings now smell
my car passenger seat too.
to top if off i have found stains on my walls/ ceiling it looks like coke or coffee.

am i overreacting? To be upset/ angry
do i say something or brush it off as an accident?

am i being unreasonable to say i hate men and dont want another man in my house

It suggests he's an alcoholic. Male alcoholics piss themselves all the time.

It’s not been wrecked though, cleaning is a thing.

Sorry you had this happen OP.

Your little haven of calm begins today and will not be disturbed again. This was just teething problems as you fine-tune the nice things you keep in your life and the messy, difficult things you hold at arm's length. 💐

They were cheap throws and I wouldn't keep them if my alcoholic dad had pissed on them either.

No, this is something you came up with in your own head based, presumably, on your own experience. At no point OP indicated he was an alcoholic beyond mentioning that they had some wine with dinner.

Very much based on my own experience of working with alcoholics.

OP, I get it. You fled a dangerous situation, found your haven, worked hard to make it a home and another man has come along and literally pissed on your parade. I get wanting to throw out anything that has been 'tainted' and not wanting it going through the machine.

Ultimately, remember you are safe, throws and things can be replaced. I don't know the backstory to your father's health (alcohol problem, incontinence) but those are his responsibility to sort. You don't have to have him, or another man in your home again, once the rage passes, think of this as a good lesson that you do not have to have anyone cross your threshold who may disrupt your peace.

Dementia?! She says in her OP that he was drunk.

I get that you are angry OP but try to focus on creating your own home and no you never need to have a man in it on a permanent basis ever again. Or to have your father round if he behaves that appallingly. And I can understand you binning the throws, the sense of someone literally 'pissing' on something you've managed to buy for yourself to mark a new start, which is symbolically important, would anger me too.

Same. They’d always be the throws that an adult man pissed on. I certainly wouldn’t be snuggling up underneath them on the sofa.

Thanks @Beachtastic

ye i didn’t say hes an alcoholic but he definitely had too much and had an accident i smelt it on him when dropping him home not his house

appreciate all replies thanks

YANBU. You now have the perfect reason not to have him in your home again. Look at that as a positive.

Do people generally take the piss? If yes, don’t leave guests alone where possible.

Still don't see how it applies to OP's father.
People with a variety of illnesses have problems with incontinence. I am telling you as a person who worked in dementia care, for example. But this doesn't mean that every person with continence I come across has dementia.
You can absolutely propose the hypothesis that her father is an alcoholic but I don't think we have nearly enough information to establish that.

You’ve had some harsh replies here. I get it, 100%. You’ve worked so hard to have lovely things and you feel proud of what you’ve done and now the throws, the rug etc, feel tainted. I wouldn’t have him back in my home either, I’d be livid. It would be the complete lack of apology or putting it right that would push me over the edge!

Telling someone who is upset to “be calm” is pretty much the most aggravating and unhelpful comment one could think of.

Calm down dear.

This. We have a rescue dog who has had multiple accidents since we got her as she's never been toilet trained. If I binned every soft furnishing she'd had a wee on, I'd have to re-mortgage the house 😐

Stop worrying about this.
Chuck anything washable in the machine. Believe me, your machine won’t suffer. How do you think anyone, ever, cleanses their pissy items? Machines don’t get spoiled.

Get up on a step ladder (borrow one) & clean the ceiling. You can do it!

Buy a product from local DIY warehouse especially made for cleaning up urine. Use it on your sofa. It’s made by HG. Comes in s spray bottle. If you can’t find it, ask for help to find it.

You’re doing well, just don’t ask Daddy over to yours again.

Seriously, wash everything. Buy some cleaner that gets rid of biological enzymes and clean everything. Surely you can't afford to bin all that stuff.
My first house was absolutely vile from top to bottom. It took three months of graft to make it liveable, including help from DBs, DPs and PIL
The house stunk of urine. We bought the stuff farmers clean milking parlours with scrubbed it from top to bottom. We lived happily in that house for seventeen years.
You need to calm down. I know it's unpleasant but accidents happen.

Well, OK. She hasn't said he has any illnesses either. It's a lot more likely based on the fact that he was so drunk that he pissed himself - on a night in at his daughter's house so not exactly a heavy drinking occasion - that he's got a drinking problem, rather than dementia. But I concede that I am connecting the dots between him drinking so much he pisses himself and has a house that smells of piss, and him having a drinking problem.

YABU

Washing machines clean themselves or you can buy washing machine cleaner sachets. You sound like you have some OCD issues and will need help. You’ve been through a lot and you’re starting fresh.

After all, kids have accidents (wee or poo) or vomit - and so do adults. You may not be able to cope once your dog is elderly and incontinent. Your washing machine is there to be used.

If anything- ask your father to replace the items or rent equipment to clean the mess he made. You may have issues with the men who hurt you but this behaviour/issue isn’t gender related.

Ahhh I see, she said she hates men so all the MRAs have turned up to slag her off.

You do understand how a washing machine works don't you ????
Your underwear also has Pee on it aswell as other things
Must have loads of money to be able to chuck everything away

A lot of you are massively missing the point going on about what will go in the washing machine. Talk about missing the wood for the trees.

Yes OP could have washed this but the fundamental point is the OP has finally managed to find a safe space after an abusive relationship and a man who is supposed to have her back above all men has imposed his foul habits on her.

OP your dad either has a fairly severe drinking problem or some other health issues. Neither of which is an excuse for this but I would honestly keep him at arm’s length.

Im sorry he did that. What a pig. Do not have him back unless he can sit on a plastic chair