AIBU to feel furious after my father ruined my new home?

[Yousernane]

To be furious? and hate all men and not want another man in my house ever!!!
i need sound advice because i know im not thinking straight at the minute & my anxiety is through the roof.

I am 4 months out of a 20 year relationship with an abusive emotionally dangerous narcissistic. Spent the last 4 months in with family then emergency accommodation (which was disgusting) out of area with small children.
I have now recently moved into my first home
With nothing but clothes & a few toys. I have spent my last bit of savings on household items, and kindly been gifted some items to make my home a home.
I invited my father to come and visit, i bought and cooked lunch, he had a drink so i offered him to stay over and he has wet himself and then slept on my brand new sofa, all my new throws have had to be binned, he blamed the dog. My rug has had to be thrown out and my babies toy box.
i beleved it was the dog until after i took him home where i could smeall urine, all
my soft furnishings now smell
my car passenger seat too.
to top if off i have found stains on my walls/ ceiling it looks like coke or coffee.

am i overreacting? To be upset/ angry
do i say something or brush it off as an accident?

am i being unreasonable to say i hate men and dont want another man in my house

Why is it drunk men are so pissy?!
It's been more common than it ought to have been among the men (no longer) in my life.
Sorry your lovely new home has been tainted, OP. I totally get why you'd want to just bin the lot.
A mate peed himself in a sleeping bag he'd borrowed from me and offered it back after a wash. Horrid. I told him to bin it and get me a new one.

Am I out of order to wonder whether your dad is the reason you spent 20 years in an abusive relationship? I say this as a woman who didn't realise she was being abused and coercively controlled until 16 years in, whose father was also massively abusive (and mother). Since getting out 3 years ago (after almost 4 years of painstaking exit planning), I've done a lot of "work" and one of the most eye opening things I heard from another survivor is that, if you come from a broken home, you have to worry when you meet someone who makes you feel "at home". Well, I learned that lesson the hard way and yes, I also struggle not to be disgusted by all men, especially in the current climate and that recent site where videos of men drugging their wives was getting 62 million hits 🤢🤮

It's made up.

you get urine cleaner, kids wet carpets and beds
when I looked after my parents before they died I had to clean it. Urine cleaner works wonders.
he needs help not fury.

I'd throw them out too. Ick!

Prove it.

Is he an alcoholic? My mother has wet herself many times including in restaurants when she used to be well enough to leave the house many years ago. Its disgusting and embarrassing. She then sniggered and expected my sister or I whoever was with her to find it amusing. I would be disgusted if someone did this in my house it shows absolutely no respect. Sounds like you have been through a very traumatic relationship and your father has not shown any respect or consideration in light of this, in your shoes I wouldn’t be inviting him again - ever!

Does your mother have a health condition that causes her to lose control of her bladder ? If so and you find that disgusting and embarrassing, it’s not surprising that she’s trying to make light of it to hide her own distress.

Shit faced pissed. The mess they can make is unreal.

No, you're not being unreasonable. Your father was unreasonable and possibly downright abusive. This was your lovely new home, with new things, and he literally pissed all over it on his first visit.

Your father ruined your stuff; whether he did it consciously or unconsciously, you are not being unreasonable to be bloody furious. You're also not being unreasonable to throw the stuff he ruined out of the house. Why let him hurt you? And it will hurt, every time you look at the lovely throw he pissed on.

I suspect a lot of the posters going 'your Dad needs help/clean the throws' had great fathers who'd only do something like this by accident or through dementia. So they don't get that there are some really lousy Dads out there and that you need to get the stuff he wrecked out and gone.

You're not being unreasonable. You tried. He failed. Don't let him back in your house; he's shown he can't be trusted.

You've got to get on with your own life and protect your kids. A grandfather who wrecks the house the first time he's invited is not the kind of grandfather they need.

Thank you for expressing this so well.

It's not like you can throw a large rug in the wash, she'd need to hire a blooming wet carpet cleaner etc to sort that.

How gross! I would want to know why he didn't immediately inform you about the dog wee (don't believe his story). If the dog peed on me there's no way I would be able to sleep in it. He sounds like he's got problems with either alcohol or incontinence (maybe both) and that needs addressing when you calm down

Bicarbonate of soda for urine on your sofa. Cold wash for the rug, then a 40 degree. Clean the toy box.
Maybe your dad is ill and needs help?.....

What would you have done had it been the dog ? A child ?

Seriously. I remember staying at a friend's house in my 20s after a house party. I got up in the early hours to use the loo and a guy who'd also stayed the night tried to use the bathroom while I was in there (door locked thankfully).

Before I'd finished I could hear splashing outside. By the time I came out, he'd pissed all over the hallway floor and crashed out on the sofa. I had to do a running jump to get past it. 🤮

Yanbu to be cross with your father.
Yabvvu to not use a washing machine for its intended purpose.
Yabvvu to throw stuff away (new things too) particularly when you’ve got so little.

Looks like the Cuntbus arrived on this thread and dropped off a few passengers…even had a “NAMALT”. How marvellous for the OP, who has been worn down by an abusive relationship and has now literally had part of her lovely new life pissed on.

YANBU, at all.

Guys, the stuff has been thrown out - it's gone. Let it go. @Yousernane came here to vent. That's all. She was looking for a bit of support.

Good grief he must have a () like a fireman’s hose 😳 how could anyone wet that amount of items and not take his clothes off! Hard to fathom with them on?

Sometimes when you're struggling anything that happens puts more pressure and it's unbearable.

It's not about men, it could've been your best friend or the dog or the cat and it would be igniting the whole suffering that you're experiencing.

So punch your pillow or whatever strategy you have to calm down stress, breath deeply, get your stained stuff back and with 3 pairs of gloves and some oxy go to the nearest laundry and get possession again of your life.

Next time ask daddy to go out and never invite him home again, it won't do any good to neither of you

Playing devils advocate

many older men develop bladder issues due to prostate problems.

he may be embarrassed, perhaps soiled trousers and didn’t bring spares hence the odour

or maybe the dog did indeed do it , overscenting a male in the home as many do

or a traumatised nervy female dog could too of been through trauma with you

you can launder most soft furnishings so binning them is not necessary.

the stains on the ceiling seems odd, that said I’ve opened a can before which did this ! It over chilled in the freezer ! My kids have done it after opening one that’s been dropped. Easily done

unless he was drunk , on drugs or did this deliberately or negligently perhaps step back and consider if the awful trauma you’ve been through is impacting your feelings about this.

its also possible as a child growing up in dads house (if you did) that’s you did far worse as many kids do so can cut him some slack

at the end of the day - do you want a relationship with dad ! If you think he’s sick talk to him, if you think it’s deliberate talk to him.

the only people who can resolve this are you

and so much good luck with re building your new life! It’s far easier to wash rugs and buy paint than find new family x

No she is an alcoholic and was an abusive narcissistic parent. Did you enjoy inferring scathing judgments when someone you don’t know shares one of the many awful things their parent does in order to someone else? Get a grip and learn to ask non judgmental questions before making such statements or don’t comment at all. People come here for support not for mean girl BS there’s enough of that!

Who are you talking to?

When everything is clean again, I'd shut the door and keep everyone out. Up the self care and treat yourself like gold dust for awhile. Your needs are your number 1 priority at the moment! Until you feel like yourself again and more in balance at least. You could sick the kids in childcare for awhile and until you get more organised and do whatever bits you need to do. You got this! I could use se your anger as motivation to build the best life possible for yourself and your kids!!! Congrats on leaving your ex by the way, it was a big step!