AIBU to feel furious after my father ruined my new home?

[Yousernane]

To be furious? and hate all men and not want another man in my house ever!!!
i need sound advice because i know im not thinking straight at the minute & my anxiety is through the roof.

I am 4 months out of a 20 year relationship with an abusive emotionally dangerous narcissistic. Spent the last 4 months in with family then emergency accommodation (which was disgusting) out of area with small children.
I have now recently moved into my first home
With nothing but clothes & a few toys. I have spent my last bit of savings on household items, and kindly been gifted some items to make my home a home.
I invited my father to come and visit, i bought and cooked lunch, he had a drink so i offered him to stay over and he has wet himself and then slept on my brand new sofa, all my new throws have had to be binned, he blamed the dog. My rug has had to be thrown out and my babies toy box.
i beleved it was the dog until after i took him home where i could smeall urine, all
my soft furnishings now smell
my car passenger seat too.
to top if off i have found stains on my walls/ ceiling it looks like coke or coffee.

am i overreacting? To be upset/ angry
do i say something or brush it off as an accident?

am i being unreasonable to say i hate men and dont want another man in my house

You can choose to not have someone in your OWN HOUSE for any damn reason you like.

Someone who is very angry and very upset? Why are you commenting on her, rather than her incontinent relative?

1 comment.

And yet all the bigotry and bigotry apologist posts remain.

Much like some of the ableism and racism we see on MN.

OP your dad either has a fairly severe drinking problem or some other health issues. Neither of which is an excuse for this but I would honestly keep him at arm’s length.

OP has stated that her dad is not an alcoholic, so people should probably swerve the 'severe drinking problem' (which was at no point suggested by OP) thing now.

More importantly - You'd keep a family member potentially suffering from health issues at arms length?

My nan was incontinent for the last five years of her life (doubly incontinent for the last year) and was completely unaware and incapable of acknowledging due to dementia.

Thankfully our instinct was to look after her and get her the support she needed rather than 'keep her at arms length' after her first accident.

Someone old enough to be a grandfather who is getting so drunk he pisses himself is somewhat unlikely NOT to be an alcoholic. I would think seriously about how much contact you have with him. A part from this one incident, does he add anything to your life or is he a source of instability?

OP, you've had an horrendous time and done so well to get yourself out and set yourself up in anew place. I'm not surprised you're fuming. But don't over react and make your new life harder by binning things in anger that you could recover and make useable. You only hurt yourself and your DC if you that. Wishing you all the best for the future.

Exactly. Piss tank. He wouldn’t be visiting me again

You’re not BU to be livid. You are BU for not just cleaning it, or asking him to pay for it to be cleaned.

I feel that’s a personal choice..unless you wash your dogs paws when they come in from outside, are a no shoes house etc.. You could wash and re wash the items. Bicarbonate paste the others. I’m a real clean nut and I’d have done this in desperate financial circumstances.

Unpleasant yes, but eminently fixable. Sorry OP

Congratulations on the new house 💐💐

You didn't need to throw anything out op so that was an overreaction and self destructive. But you might need to avoid asking your father over until he's sorted himself out.

I don’t blame you for being angry OP. It’s worse when something brand new gets damaged or stained. I could see myself stuffing something in the bin out of anger and frustration. It’s understandable that your emotions are exaggerated after such a stressful time. Can you still rescue the throws and wash them? Maybe use antibacterial laundry cleanser to make sure they’re clean enough for you to feel comfortable with. Everything can be salvaged. Your dad was probably embarrassed and didn’t want to admit it was him. He was a muppet, but think twice before banning him. It sounds like he was there to support you but made a mess of it. I would let him know I’m upset but I wouldn’t burn my bridges.

I understand! But I a lot of your anger and disgust is about your relationship too. You poor lass!

How much did you give him to drink or had he been somewhere before he came to yours? Unless he has a bladder problem he's got a serious alcohol problem which he needs help with - YANBU for being annoyed.

YABU for the soft furnishings/washing machine reaction.

Also deleted mine saying much the same.

This poster's utter lack of empathy for an abused woman and determined attempt to make out she's a 'bigot' says everything I need to know about him. Just waiting for the inevitable 'misandry' card to be played.

Oh dear.
I type a whole comment but given some people's attitude on here I've quickly deleted it.

I wanted to reiterate what this poster has said. I have friends who work with DV survivors, and so many have little idea of what ‘normal’ relationships look like, because of what they grew up with at home.

He could replace the throws though. Amd apologise massively. That would be a start. But I'd still be wary of having him stay.

I wouldn't have thrown them away. But she did, so we are where we are, and I can see that a new safe space feels violated. A conversation with him might help.

I would be annoyed and frustrated at the extra expense and work, but I wouldn't throw things away if money was right.

Napisan is brilliant at getting rid of urine.

Then put a laundry cleanser through the washing machine and it will feel fresh and new again.

OP, can you say what/how much he had to drink?

For an otherwise healthy non-alcoholic adult to be drunk to the point of incontinence, they'd usually have to drink a fair amount/be quite clearly noticably inebriated.

Ace and detergent in the washing machine. Dr Beckmann's for the car seat, the carpet and the couch. I would never be without Dr Beckmann's - it is brilliant for cleaning up little puppy accidents. Dettol spray for the toy box. Windolene, amazingly, is brilliant for cleaning anything off walls or ceilings.

Then send him the receipt and ask him to reimburse you, because none of these things are cheap. Please don't let him spoil your pride in your new home. You've done so well. Just don't invite him round again and tell him why. He has behaved like a pig.

Good to see you counting them.

They weren’t deleted because ‘I hate all men’ isn’t a bigoted statement in the context of OP and what this forum is for.

What ableism?

It sounds like the OP has an appalling history with the men in her life. If her experience is that every man she has had dealings with has left her with some kind of trauma or problems to deal with, then I wouldn’t blame her in the slightest for wanting to exclude them completely from her home.

NAMALT, maybe, but every man she has dealt with has been like that. Cries of ‘bigotry’ and ‘this is wrong’ are all very well when you’re coming from a lovely place of privilege, where you’ve had just as many nice men in your life as awful ones. Completely inappropriate and judgemental here, as well as being unconnected to racism etc.

It's a washing machine, it's job us to wash clothes. I know you are angry but honestly that really is illogical.

i have a brand new washing machine i dont want mans piss running through it and i was angry all my lovely new items were ruined thats why i binned them

Yeah, you're unreasonable, sorry.

Not unreasonable to be annoyed at him though.

I get that you're upset and your new start feels tarnished. However sounds like your dad might have a physical issue or alcoholism? My dad peed himself at mine sober recently and it is bladder weakness... he must be embarrassed