AIBU to think my MIL should stop commenting on my parenting?

[DearDog96]

DD turned 4 last month and is our only child (6 months pregnant with baby no. 2). She’s still not potty trained after several attempts, and after the most recent one in January we decided to go back to nappies for a bit to reset things and hopefully try again soon. She also still uses a dummy, mainly at night or at home when relaxing - we rarely let her use it when out and about, and has a bottle of milk at might to fall asleep with. I’ll admit we’ve probably babied her more than we should and been too lenient, but we’ll work on potty training once the weather improves and the dummy and bottle will hopefully go after that (one battle at once and all!). Her dentist has said her teeth are fine so far, so no immediate concerns over that. Over Easter the in-laws were visiting and my MIL kept making comments at DD, telling her she’s too old for nappies, dummies etc. and she’s gonna get bullied when she starts school in September.

I fully plan on having all these things solved in time for school, plus the world is a different place now compared to when she had her kids. AIBU to think she should just keep her nose out and let me parent how I want to

Sorry OP but your MIL is right to be concerned. At 4 your child should be well potty trained. Our DD is 2.5year and we have a 14 month old. Our oldest fully potty trained during the day (aside from the occasional accident if she's busy playing ) and about 50/50 at night which is what we're working on now. Started potty training early as we knew we were expecting our second and didn't want two in nappies at the same time. Dummy and bottle went at 18 months. You are doing your child a disservice if they are still in nappies by the time they start school, don't wait till summer to address this.

You say you plan on having these solved for school, so why aren’t you doing it? It’s not going to be easier to tackle when there’s also a baby in the mix. Assuming she’s NT, it’s doing your daughter no favours to let her fall so far behind her peers, and to infantilise her like this.

A 4 year old with a dummy during the day at home and “occasionally” out and about is dire. She needs to speak for goodness sake.

Your mil is totally justified. Poor kid she is heading for school in a few short months.

Your MIL is correct, if you haven’t done all of these things yet how are you going to do them all by September with having a new baby too that might also have an impact on daughters behaviour, a nappy at over four is very lazy parenting.

Mine didn't have dummies or bottles so can't comment on that but I did find the advice on toilet training didn't quite work for my eldest - everyone said that once they are ready they just "get it" and tbh that wasn't my experience. She had accidents, she needed constant reminders to go to the toilet and it was often a battle. We got there in the end but I found it fairly stressful - I think that's normal though. Maybe your expectations of the process are too high? Absolutely would not be keen on doing it with a newborn around.

Your MIL is right. You need to at least crack the potty training now, before the baby arrives. Imagine if you’re sitting feeding the baby and DD needs her nappy changing? It will be really stressful.

I was at my wits’ end with DS who wasn’t potty trained at 3 when I was pregnant with DD and had to force him into it. It took 4 days and he was fine.

Potty training isn't just a week to get them initially using the toilet, it's months of practising in all different environments, lots of accidents etc. you can't do it a few weeks before school, you're setting her up to embarrassing accidents in school

And the dummy and bottle are another level OP, that is just laziness on the parents

Sorry but your MIL is correct. I‘m baffled why you’re having another baby when it sounds like you’re failing to parent your current child properly. You need to pull your socks up. The dummy needs to be binned today (/2.5 years ago) and toilet training needs to begin today (/2 years ago).
Really concerning.

She wasn't though, was she. She was telling her 4 year old granddaughter she was going to be bullied

It’ll be very tough to do it when newborn’s here, as your daughter will already be feeling unsettled and you’ll have a lot on your plate. You don’t have much time so you need to sort these issues as a matter of urgency.

At least your MIL is being honest with you rather than silently judging as many others will be- don’t shoot the messenger and all that.

26 pages in and no reply from @DearDog96 ..

She won’t be bullied largely because if she’s still in nappies most schools won’t let her start! Unless there’s a genuine medical need kids being able to use the toilet is a basic requirement for most schools for them to enter Reception.

Because she didn't get the responses she thought she would

They will let her start, they no doubt won't be happy about it and will put in place plans to address it, but they can't refuse entry on that basis alone. It wouldn't be lawful.

@CoffeeWithMyOxygen
A large number of children start school still in nappies. The op's dd won't be the only one.

@CoffeeWithMyOxygen schools in England can’t prevent a child starting school if they are still in nappies as that would be seen as discrimination. A child does not have to have a diagnosed need (many DC won’t be able to have an official diagnosis by 4 anyway as there is such a backlog in the process)

The percentage of children starting school in nappies is increasing, partly down to special needs and partly down to parenting

Op I think you need some help. Have you got a health visitor?

No they can’t refuse entry as will be seen as discrimatory under the equalities act. Hopefully it doesn’t come to that.

thw issue here is this lazy parenting which has now got so bad as to cause the child issues, or is there a developmental delay that needs addressing, not just the fact she is in nappies, but the bottle the dummy etc.

Hmmm, one line of your post really stuck out to me : “let me parent how I want to”. You’re not actually parenting though. Being a parent means supporting your child through their milestones, often quite actively. Your MIL is absolutely right that your DD is long past the stage that bottles, dummies and nappies are appropriate. A child starting school in 5 months should have been using a toilet independently for a long time. Lack of appropriate parenting just pushes the issues on to teachers and school staff - completely unfair. But most of all, it lets your own DD down. Using the toilet and being encouraged to develop this self-efficacy is a matter of personal dignity.

Sorry to be harsh but you are an idiot not to have sorted these issues sooner. Getting a new baby sibling is a huge deal and so is starting school. Throw in potty training, no dummy and no bedtime bottle you will have a hugely unsettled child. She might associate losing things she loves with the baby. Please get rid of the dummy today.

Is your child developmentally delayed ? If not then I would get cracking on potty training and weaning off bottles and dummy immediately. It won’t get any easier in better weather -it’ll be harder because you’ll have a newborn to look after. Look at the charity eric uk online for support with potty training.

With MIL on this one.

Nasty old MIL. Not. She is concerned about her grandchild. And who can blame her ? Four years old and in nappies.
There lies the issue with disposables. If you had to use the nappies your MiL did your child would be out of them toot sweet.
You have the summer to get your tot trained. Good luck. If I were you I would ask your MIL for some advice.

And no, don’t leave it to primary school teachers or their assistants to do it for you.

I also think given there are no additional needs that is quite cruel to a child to not support them in their milestones and to keep them babied as long as you have.

People do judge whether we like it or not, it's human nature. You imply you let your four year old out the house with a dummy. She's not a baby and I almost guaranteed it will have been spotted by others. To make her open to ridicule is awful.

She has a sibling coming in 3 months yet there doesn't seem any urgency on your part to resolve these issues. A sibling is a massive adjustment for her and you plan at the same time to be taking all these items of comfort away at the same time instead is again cruel to her.

And know your MIL probably shouldn't have told her she'll be bullied. But she may very well be if it isn't sorted. And similarly, I can't believe any reputable dentist would say there was no issue with a four year old falling asleep with a bottle of milk.