AIBU to think my MIL should stop commenting on my parenting?

[DearDog96]

DD turned 4 last month and is our only child (6 months pregnant with baby no. 2). She’s still not potty trained after several attempts, and after the most recent one in January we decided to go back to nappies for a bit to reset things and hopefully try again soon. She also still uses a dummy, mainly at night or at home when relaxing - we rarely let her use it when out and about, and has a bottle of milk at might to fall asleep with. I’ll admit we’ve probably babied her more than we should and been too lenient, but we’ll work on potty training once the weather improves and the dummy and bottle will hopefully go after that (one battle at once and all!). Her dentist has said her teeth are fine so far, so no immediate concerns over that. Over Easter the in-laws were visiting and my MIL kept making comments at DD, telling her she’s too old for nappies, dummies etc. and she’s gonna get bullied when she starts school in September.

I fully plan on having all these things solved in time for school, plus the world is a different place now compared to when she had her kids. AIBU to think she should just keep her nose out and let me parent how I want to

aside of anything else, you have 3 months to: potty train, get off the bottle and get rid of dummies and if you manage it in that time BAM! there is a sibling added into the mix?

Start now. On all of it.

MIL is the one who has your DDs best interests at heart here.

Your MIL is your daughter’s grandmother. She cares about her. The things you e listed, at the age she is, simply DO need addressing. No pussyfooting around at it all, just deal with it. I’ve had six children, some very close in age and one in a wheelchair with significant developmental delay - all of them, I had these things dealt with by the age of three, most by 2.5.
If I were her I would v definitely be bringing it up, to both parents. I’d also be asking if you need help with practical suggestions or emotional support yourself during this time.
Very often, parenting is knowing you have to choose the best long term result rather than the easier quick option.

P.S. falling asleep with a bottle at night will make staying dry at night next to impossible. Hydrate during day with last drink an hour before bed.

No idea. Suppose if DD has lots of accidents whilst training, OP can dry pants quicker? That said, knowing the British weather, OP will be waiting for decent weather for ages! 🙈🤷‍♀️

That’s concerning op for your child. If I was related to you I’d also be worried. Does your daughter have developmental delays. Have you seen a doctor about it?

some children are in nappies at this age, but you shouldn’t be waiting, and should understand the issue, she shouldn’t still be using a dummy and a bottle of milk to sleep, not at nearly school age.

I think I’d investigate developmental delays with your doctor. And if this is due to parenting, I’d focus on getting this resolved now. And be more focused on your next babies development needs.

I think this should have been a conversation between adults, but she isn't wrong to bring up these concerns.

Many people do potty training in the summer as DC can go nappy free in the garden, so less mopping up of accidents in the house

I think most of the responses will be saying she should be potty trained with no dummy etc by now and they are correct in my opinion. Take this on board and make her life easier. A 4 years old can't run and move as they want with a nappy is very uncomfortable.

For once , a mil who is right.

unless a child has ASN no child should still be in nappies and using a dummy at 4.

mine were both fully potty trained at 2 , able to dress themselves, with very little support around the same age too.

i know so many 3 and 4 year olds through work who can’t put shoes or a jacket on because their parents do everything for them. It’s just parents being lazy.

MIL was on board, and it meant begging us would be futile as they were in her bin far away, not in ours.

I’d normally say MIL’s should butt out, but no, in this case you need to speak to your health visitor and get support in transitioning her out of nappies and off a dummy pronto. If there are really impediments to this - such as she may have underlying developmental needs, then this also needs to be picked up now. Totally unfair to expect her to start school In September unable to toilet herself and relying on a teacher to mop up the mess.

Toilet training is hard work. There are many accidents, its stressful and you have to keep on it, but she really should be dry and in normal pants by now (with night nappies for confidence if not quite going through the night). Too many parents, just give up. Team MIL here.

I'm surprised your DD is ok with all this OP. Doesn't she think it's babyish? Does she go to nursery? Surely she sees her friends in proper pants, no dummies, drinking from a cup.

I guess OP won’t make a reappearance given the thread hasn’t gone the way she hoped/expected 🤷‍♀️

MIL is making valid points!

My DC are 18 and 21. They were not allowed to start nursery at 2.5yo unless they were dry/or very nearly dry (ie the odd accident was expected, but they HAD to be toilet trained). It was the same requirement at every nursery in my area unless there was a specific SEN issue in which case this was negotiated on a child by child basis.

I don't know how we reached this point, frankly. And both mine are AuDHD, so that’s not an excuse either.

Not sure why you said “you’ll work on potty training once weather improves” what has the weather got to do with it? You know children potty training best when they are not naked? They need to wear pants/knickers so when they have an accident they don’t like the feeling of walking around wet

This is child neglect due to poor parenting. However her son is 50% guilty so tell her to keep him informed of her views. Shocking though.

18 month old potty trained no dummy. Rare bottle.

I think, in 8 pages, it’s all been said about your slack parenting and how truly behind you’re ensuring your daughter is here so I won’t add (much!) to that now BUT I do think it’s very important that you look at this for what it is; a concerned grandmother being brave enough to voice those concerns with, I believe, the best interests of her grandchild at heart. She won’t have done that lightly, I don’t think, it would be too easy for you to get your arse in your hand and cut her off, but she feels so strongly about this that she’s taking that risk in the hopes that it’ll sink it and you’ll pull your finger out about all the changes that need to happen. I’ve actually got a lot of respect for that and, honestly, so, too, should you. She is absolutely right in her concerns.

This is clearly rage bait. Let me guess, the op won’t once comment again after the initial post.

for what it’s worth your mil isn’t wrong and it’s shit parenting all round and unfair to your daughter.

You are in for a bit of a shock when you have your second. When you see your first born after having a baby they seem absolutely giant, you will see your DD as the child she is, not the baby she isn't. Changing such a large child's nappy and giving her a bottle is going to seem very off to you once you have a newborn again.

You need to get this sorted. In the absence of SEN needs, expecting staff to provide intimate care for your child is really unfair. It's all very well waiting for better weather when your child is 2, but it's too late for that.

I know you won't want to hear this. But your MiL is right, I'm afraid.

As people have said, your MIL is right to be concerned. Sure, she should have spoken to you directly rather than speak to your child, but she is probably more than a little exasperated with how you baby your child.
Other posters have made lots of good points here but I also want to flag what it means to kick the can down the road to summer. You are teaching your child that we don’t do things when they are hard, only when conditions make it easier. DC is learning to avoid challenges because she is seeing how you respond to things when they are hard. And before anyone comes for me saying she’s only just 4, please remember that as little ones we learn a lot about the world and how to engage by watching our role models and how they deal with it. There isn’t a “magic” age where we are suddenly going to notice.
No matter how hard it is to hear what people are saying, please take it on board. You will need to step up for both your children and be the parent that doesn’t avoid difficult things because it’s too hard.

I'll probably get flamed for this, but I have 3 kids (well, one is 20) and I believe in toilet training when the child is ready to, not when people think you should. My kids were fully toilet trained by the time they went to school but I didn't see the point in doing it until they had bladder and bowel control, some kids can manage this earlier than others. Yes I do believe they should be toilet trained before school but I don't think that putting pressure on yourself or your child is helpful. The summer holidays would perhaps be a good time to get rid of the nappies, no going back and forth. As for your mother in law, it's fine to have concerns, but not ok to be interfering like that.

I think your MIL is possibly concerned, but what she’s said to your DD is not ok I don’t think (even if she believes it’s true!).

My DTs were very late for potty training, my DS decided 2 months before his 4th birthday he just no longer wanted to wear nappies, and DD followed suit a week or so later. My two absolutely detested the potty which I think is why it took so long to toilet train them - I got a step and kid seat thing to go on the regular toilet from Amazon and they got it pretty much immediately bar a couple of accidents for day time.

Night time training was again very very late, they were 6/7 when they were dry at night. I ended up buying an alarm you attach to their underwear which wakes them up if there’s the beginning of an accident, again an Amazon purchase. Worked brilliantly, and we had next to no issues.

For the dummy, we relied on the dummy fairy. Bigged her up, and told DS she brings a coveted toy in exchange for the dummies, which he was happy about - I gave a week or so ‘notice’ to him that she was coming and by the time the day came around he was happy and didn’t miss his dummy that much.

I think every kid develops at their own pace, I’ve only said the above because it’s what I did with my reluctant toilet training kids on the off chance it’s helpful to you. I wouldn’t stress about not having done it yet, she’ll get there in time!

Yes. Another rage bait thread. But I'm pleased to see so many agreeing it's all been left far too late. On another thread I had my post deleted for saying the parent had left it too late & it wasn't fair on the child 💁🏻‍♀️