AIBU to think my MIL should stop commenting on my parenting?

[DearDog96]

DD turned 4 last month and is our only child (6 months pregnant with baby no. 2). She’s still not potty trained after several attempts, and after the most recent one in January we decided to go back to nappies for a bit to reset things and hopefully try again soon. She also still uses a dummy, mainly at night or at home when relaxing - we rarely let her use it when out and about, and has a bottle of milk at might to fall asleep with. I’ll admit we’ve probably babied her more than we should and been too lenient, but we’ll work on potty training once the weather improves and the dummy and bottle will hopefully go after that (one battle at once and all!). Her dentist has said her teeth are fine so far, so no immediate concerns over that. Over Easter the in-laws were visiting and my MIL kept making comments at DD, telling her she’s too old for nappies, dummies etc. and she’s gonna get bullied when she starts school in September.

I fully plan on having all these things solved in time for school, plus the world is a different place now compared to when she had her kids. AIBU to think she should just keep her nose out and let me parent how I want to

If this isn’t a reverse or some sort of rage bait then this might be one of the first times in all my years on MN that I’m siding with the MIL. Dummy, nappies and a bottle at 4 starting to school in Sept with a baby sibling on the way? Eeek.

And they expect teachers to change their children for them?!

This is nonsense and would actually be illegal. Toilet trained or not children are entitled to an education.

Our DGS was 2 on Boxing Day. He’s been out of nappies since he was 22mths old, he hasn’t had a bottle since he was 1. He sucks two of his fingers, instead of a dummy, which my DS &DDIL don’t want him to do in the day so they bought a glove when he was about 18mths old which prevents it. If the fingers go in his mouth, he’s told to take them out or the glove goes on and he does.

Unless there’s a massive drip feed coming there’s no reason, imo, for your DD to still be in nappies, having a bottle or a dummy. Years ago, the vas majority of children were potty trained by 2.5, what has changed is nappy manufacturers bringing out this “wait till they’re ready” nonsense.

The MIL is irrelevant here. If you want me to say ‘oh your MIL should mind her own business’ then fine because it doesn’t take away the fact you are failing your child. Parenting is always easy. Stop justifying it as babying her, it’s bullshit. You now are in a situation where you have made getting a sibling incredibly difficult for your DD because you are going to (if you’ve any sense) take away nappies, bottles and dummies and then bring along a new tiny human in the house that has all those things. That’ll go well.

Potty training 101 starting tomorrow and don't stop until she is trained.
Ask MIL to help. Set up potties and steps near the toilet at both homes and keep her in underpants, not nappies.
Swap the milk for water gradually.
Remove the dummy except for in her bed and remove it totally once she is potty trained.
Unless yourDD has special needs, she should be able to cope with the pressure of training to wee in the toilet.

You need to be done with it by the timeyour baby arrives.
.

I agree with all of this, and this is as a parent of an ND. Buy packs of cheap knickers. Nappies are too comfortable. Have bed pads on her car seat and always take changes of clothes, wipes etc. chuck soiled knickers. We had a kids loo seat to put on ours and to take with us -D D hated a potty! In our case she was potty trained early - poos took longer and night time was much longer but that's a different issue.

Dummy might need the dummy fairy, which involves a letter and then her giving the dummies to the babies and a treat to replace it.

You can replace the bottle with a water bottle at night

This has to be a reverse from the MIL?!
If this is genuine I can assure you OP that both sides of the family, mine and my IL would have things to say about any of my children still being in nappies and having a bottle of milk at bedtime at 4.
Babying is one thing, I have to admit my youngest is my last baby and probably gets away with a few things his siblings didn’t at the the same age, however toilet training, not having a dummy and using a beaker for milk is something all mine were dong by the age of 3.
My MIL is a paediatric nurse, she would have been absolutely horrified and unable to stop herself from asking what on earth I was thinking…..

Seriously?

I agree that this is particularly late. I tried with my two at 2.5 but my point was aimed at the poster who said people ‘cop out’. I didn’t see it like that, I saw it as parking it for a while until a time when the process would be easier for us all. There is nothing wrong with that.

I wouldn’t of course let it get this close to school starting without really committing to getting it done. Thankfully at 3 both of mine nailed it in a couple of days. Op child might be the same.

I agree with your MIL. You seem a little bit in denial

This

Because the post achieved it's objective. Ragebait.

Yes, I agree that sometimes we try something as parents and decide that actually the child isn't developmentally ready. My DH is keen to potty training our son who just turned 2 but I know there is absolutely ZERO way he is ready to actually understand the urges for weeing (he can grasp that he needs to poo but not wee) so w just talk about the potty he'll use in the summer when he's a big boy etc.

And I know some kids are closer to 3 when they train and get to grips with it. But a 4yr old with a new baby coming soon and then having the upheaval of starting school really needs the parents to pull the finger out and get on with it and perservere. It'll much harder on the child when all the big changes in her life happen at the same time.

I feel your pain...I have a nearly 8 year old autistic son who won't entertain not wearing pull ups

She is not wrong but she shouldn't be sticking her nose in, especially not in this way.

You need to focus on getting her school-ready. Especially before the baby comes , you will have your work cut out and she could regress anyway as a reaction to the baby.

Because she didn't get the responses she thought she would
What's the betting that the op will be starting a thread on what a horrible environment mn is?

Why do you need to wait until the weather improves to potty train? Genuine question.

Once your second child is here, it’ll be even harder!

I’ve had 3 kids - each different in how I done it (never used the same method!🤣)
DS - luckily it was summer and let him run out in garden and if he needed a wee, then it would come, he’ll know he’s doing it and be more aware of it. I think the crux came first him when we took a long trip and stopped off at a service station halfway there - Ds needed the loo and said hello would have to use the toilet (in the car seat I made him sit on an open nappy on the seat just in case). So he used the toilet and from then on he ‘got it’.

my second DD1… god she was 4…ish… took weeks/months and had to bribe her with buying her her first bike when she ‘got it’ (and she did). I was conscious she was starting school.

DD2 who’s now 4, literally I sat there one day - we already had a potty. She was the type that didn’t like wearing clothes so I plied her with a TON of water… sat her on the potty in the living room while we sat there reading a book together and then BAM… she wee’d! Lots of praise which she loved and repeated it. There were a couple of accidents here and there but you can manage that; when out have a spare change of clothes (for DC🤣 not you) and if they leak - that’s fine… they’ll feel the sensation, recognise it etc. bedtime, have waterproof sheet underneath.

theres no right/wrong way… lots of trial
and error.
It’ll sort itself out and you’ll get there! Good luck.

I found when my baby arrived my eldest regressed a little so you may experience this on top. Not leaving yourself much wiggle room before school either

Omg dummies…!
depends on how you feel and what approach you want to use.
my son (only child I gave one too) I think I hid it one day… pretended to help him look for it and distracted him with something else when he asked for it. Yes there were some tears, hugs etc but after a couple of days it was forgotten. Like any habit… I suppose. Some parent friends of mine tried stuff like ‘ceremonies’ in sending dummy to fairyland etc… is the same thing I suppose but that requires cooperation from child (who may not want to!). Worst thing you can do is give it then take away then return it and give it away… once it’s gone (however you choose to do it) it’s gone!

you’ll get there. Remember it’s your first child, kind of your test dummy in parenting.. everyone will give you advice and tell you their opinion BUT you’re the parent and the one who has to deal with it once those giving well intentioned advice/opinions have gone home. You’ll be fine. Don’t stress about it or make a fuss. If it doesn’t work, pause and try another method at another time. You’ll get there

"MIL kept making comments at DD, telling her she’s too old for nappies, dummies etc. and she’s gonna get bullied when she starts school in September."

What am I reading? Sod your MIL being right...She absolutely should not be speaking to your DD like that. I would be ( have been) furious at similar comments...

How dare she? Its one thing to tell you... it's quite another to hurl undermining criticism at a four year old.

All potty training issues aside.
"You're too old for nappies and dummies" - everyone thinks you are acting like a stupid little baby.
"You're going to get bullied when you start school" - School is a horrible place where people won't treat you well. You will be there soon. Why the hell is she putting that idea into your DD's head, especially as you have a newborn on the way?

This is horribly unkind. It's making the whole potty training thing into a much bigger deal by raising your DD's anxiety and making life harder for you too.
My MIL used to make similar comments about ours... guess what.. they learned to use the potty and were fine when they went to school. She also went on about all her GC being "too fat"... until SIL flipped and read (well roared actually) the riot act and asked MIL if she was trying to spark eating disorders (thankfully saving me the job!) MIL also asked my middle DC who plays team sports after work twice a week, regularly trains at a gym and runs marathons, "are you on a diet? ...You should be!" Yes, They are not as skinny as they were at 16 because they are now a fully grown adult.

Having them not being stressed about potty training was a big factor. If they had an accident or two on the way.. so what, they got the hang of it. And I agree with you OP, it is easier now the weather's warmer and they are in lighter clothes. The pull up nappy/pants were a godsend for nighttime in the early days or on long car journey's but the key thing was to be very matter of fact and non critical about it. Its just a normal part of life.

Tell your MIL to stop making these stupid comments at your little DC. You all know her opinion now.. she doesn't need to keep repeating it. She can say it to you if she absolutely has to but not in your DD's hearing.

I suspect she is doing it as a way of indirectly criticising you..(the thinking is... if she's talking to DC you are hearing it and will feel guilty) I bet she hasn't taken your DH to one side and told him to speed up the training. Call her out on it and both of you stand up for your DD whenever she makes comments like that... "MIL I don't agree with you and please do not speak to DD like that"
It's particularly important that people don't call her a baby when you have a new one on the way. You are going to need to bolster her confidence. Don't let your MIL start comparing her to the baby when they arrive.

Will school take her if she isn’t fully toilet trained?

@BashfulClam can be deemed discriminatory if school doesn’t taken them