AIBU to think my MIL should stop commenting on my parenting?

[DearDog96]

DD turned 4 last month and is our only child (6 months pregnant with baby no. 2). She’s still not potty trained after several attempts, and after the most recent one in January we decided to go back to nappies for a bit to reset things and hopefully try again soon. She also still uses a dummy, mainly at night or at home when relaxing - we rarely let her use it when out and about, and has a bottle of milk at might to fall asleep with. I’ll admit we’ve probably babied her more than we should and been too lenient, but we’ll work on potty training once the weather improves and the dummy and bottle will hopefully go after that (one battle at once and all!). Her dentist has said her teeth are fine so far, so no immediate concerns over that. Over Easter the in-laws were visiting and my MIL kept making comments at DD, telling her she’s too old for nappies, dummies etc. and she’s gonna get bullied when she starts school in September.

I fully plan on having all these things solved in time for school, plus the world is a different place now compared to when she had her kids. AIBU to think she should just keep her nose out and let me parent how I want to

@Cityzen74 the OP has admitted they have babied their DD. Unless there are developmental issues no 4 year old should be using a dummy or drinking from a bottle, that is both babying them but could also be disastrous for their teeth.

How do you think the DD will feel when new sibling arrives and those things, that she has recently been made to give up, will be in constant use by her sibling. This should have been tackled years ago. Isn’t it guidance that bottles should be phased out by 12 months.

We found potty training in the winter easier than summer. In summer my DC just weed in the garden ignoring the potty- they knew they couldn't wee on carpets so in colder weather they got the hang of going straight for the potty quicker. Basically i would not delay potty training at all - try now.

And the dummy too. I'd just switch the bottle for a glass with a lid and silicone straw that she has with bedtime story, like the Bamboo ones. I think you could do all of it now really, definitely before baby arrives or it will be too much.

Yep, mil is right about this one.

I think any adult making comments like that to a child is inappropriate so I’ve said YANBU. Her concerns should’ve been directed to you/your DH away from your DD.

It sounds like you know what needs to be done and you’re not necessarily disagreeing with the sentiment of your MIL’s comments. I know changes feel challenging when things are working (nappies mean no accidents/battles abs dummies are great for soothing) but don’t put it all off until summer as you’ll feel the pressure of school starting and that’s not going to help your DD adapt. She’ll sense the pressure and potentially push back (because kids love to do that!). Personally, I’d do the dummy fairy (‘plant’ them in the garden with her or leave them on the door step and it ‘reappears’ as a flower or a gift) asap and just get through a tough couple of days. She has you to comfort her and get her through that change. She will be okay. Then try potty training when you feel you’ve left enough of a gap. Neither of these jobs are fun parts of parenting but you can do it!

Those first 4 words are very rarely seen on MN!

I have a highly critical, to be frank, bitchy MIL. I don’t think yours is tbh. I was being told to get rid of dummies when my 1st was 3 months old because she said it made him look like a ‘council kid’ Expected me to give him formula over breastfeeding and criticised me relentlessly, trying to bully me into submission. My now 2yr old is in the process of potty training and she inferred I was lazy for starting so late and how she had all of hers potty trained by 18 months.

It’s unpleasant to have someone backseat parent or criticise your parenting. Especially if you don’t have a close relationship. To mention what she’s observed, that’s her opinion, but if she was going on and on about it, when you’ve acknowledged it yourself, then that is critical and irritating. In your case, I don’t think she was intending to undermine you, but just a little shocked at how late you are with doing those things. Yes, every child is different, but a 4yr old in nappies is a little unusual.

Honestly, just get the potty training and dummies removed before baby number 2! I intended to start potty training before DC1 was 2 and DC2 was born, but I ended up so battered in the 3rd trimester and the newborn period, we just couldn’t commit to it. Same with fully removing dummies - though he only has them to soothe during the night now. Now we’ve got a bit of a battle, it was such a regret not to do those things before DC2 arrived. It would have made things so much easier for ourselves!

You need to get your DD potty trained asap. The longer it’s the left the harder it’s going to be.

You need to sort the potty training, dummy and bottle of milk ASAP. You won’t have the time or energy when new baby is here, plus it will all be very unsettling for your daughter and you’ll go backwards.

Usually I think grandparents should keep their noses out but in this situation your MIL has a very good point.

Dummy - literally just take it away and say they’re all gone because she’s a big girl now and dummies are for babies. Maybe get her a little present for being old enough to not have a dummy. It will be hard at first and you’ll have to deal with tears but within 48 hours it’ll be forgotten about as long as you don’t give in.

I have to be honest I too would want to say something. 🫣 I’m not a granny yet but I hope I never see a dummy ever! Mine never had them. Try Gina Ford’s toilet training book, it worked for me (too long ago to remember the details).

It isn’t a cop out and it isn’t lazy parenting. It’s people making a logical decision to wait a bit longer so that the child has more capacity to understand what they need to do.

I tried with both of my dc around 2.5. Both were very upset, tantrumming, afraid and having multiple accidents. So I left it and tried again when they were 3 and they got it almost immediately with no accidents or upset. I know which option felt better and more sensible to me.

People on MN love this competitive ‘how early can I train my kid’ stuff but as long as they are done before school it’s nobody else’s businesses and genuinely makes more sense in my mind to have a stress free, simple process rather than weeks of tears and accidents.

In this case the op will probably be surprised at how quickly the 4 year old will pick it up, and it does need to obviously be properly established before starting school.

If parents are not expected to come in to school to the deal with the result of their neglect, the certainly should be.

She's definitely right to be concerned, but definitely shouldn't be telling a four year old they're going to get bullied at school!

Assuming there is nothing else going on (developmental delay/neurodiverse etc) your mil is right. The dummy and bottle need to go, the dummy should have been gone by 18 months old really. The potty training you need to start and see it through, it isnt like you are trying an 18 month old and it's too soon, you are way beyond that point, you need to start and stick to it, no reverting back to nappies in the day. You need to be consistent, they will get it, it might take weeks rather than days but they will get there. You should have sorted all this way way before your next baby is due, you've made your own life difficult here.

Goodness why give him ice cream at home when he is dairy intolerant especially when you can get good dairy free ice creams. Out of curiosity did they stop giving him ice cream at home once they realised thet had to go into school and change him?

If the OP isn’t prepared to deal with potty training a four year old then the mother in law is probably so exasperated that she’s saying this to the child to make her take the initiative.

As someone with a 4 year old and who is 7 months pregnant, you really need to get this sorted. Your MIL is absolutely correct with what she’s saying, whether you like it or not! Sometimes a bit of tough love is needed. Your daughter IS too old for nappies, she IS too old for a dummy. It’s a bit ridiculous that you’ve got to this stage tbh. It seems you’ve just always given up and not persevered. My boy was just over 2 when he sent his dummies to the reindeer at the North Pole, and he was almost 3 when we started potty training, did it really intensely for a week and he was pretty much trained! He’s also dry during the night too which we did last summer, again just have to bite the bullet and do it! You will make your lives so much harder when the baby comes.

It sounds like your MIL has said a few home truths and you clearly don't like it.

It's not a case of telling you how to parent it's a case of stating your DD should have none of the 3 unless there are developmental/additional needs.

You have had 3 years to get rid of the bottle (not advised after 1), at least 2 years for the dummy and 2 years for potty training.
Potty training takes months to avoid regular accidents. Start now.

I think your MIL is rightfully worried about it all and you expected MN to agree with you, not her.
You and your DH need to resolve this situation asap as you are storing trouble up for your whole family. If you try to remove the dummy and nappies after baby is born your DD will permanently link the events and resent the baby. Do it now. A few weeks hard work on you and your DH’s part and the situation will be resolved.

Before school? My son started preschool room at 3 and there was very much an expectation they were potty trained and able to take themselves to the toilet. The staff simply wouldn't have the resources to change nappies if everyone waited for school, so it very much other people's business if you're working in that area.

And no I'm not a fan of competitive parenting either but there's a world of difference between toilet training at 3 and at 4.

You hope not to see a dummy despite them being a recommendation to reduce the risk of Sid’s in young babies by the lullaby trust? Why?

The child was 3yrs and 10months when last attempts at potty training were made. I suspect that actually a REAL attempt on behalf of the parents isn't being made. Potty training can be exhausting but with no development delays at almost 4 it really shouldn't be such a rigmarole. I get the feeling the parents are a bit too laid back and haven't really really perservered.

I'm sure, but that is no reason to potentially make a four year old scared to start school or to start school with the impression they are odd in some way (even if they are!)

Sorry but I agree with MIL although it’s hard to hear. My 2 year old is in pants during the day, pull ups over night. They do all develop at their own pace but you do need to crack on. I’d have removed the dummy way before now too.

When my daughter turned 2, I told her my MiL had thrown all the dummies in the bin, she missed them for a night or two and that was that.

I waited until closer to 3 to tackle the potty because I didn't want to be stopping/starting younger. We got it done over a few days I had off from work. It always makes me laugh when I hear parents say "try again later" if there's "resistance". My daughter is stubborn as a mule, but she knew I meant business. You have to sit in one room for a weekend with potty, favourite treats, TV, plenty of liquids. You really do not want your daughter associating these changes with new baby arrival. Get dummy done this week. Where's your dummy? They're all gone. Let's go to play park! Distraction is key.

I’d be really concerned about a child who was still in nappies, falling asleep with a bottle and using a dummy at the age of four.

Do you seriously think you’re going to solve all these things in five months, while also having a newborn to contend with? I feel a bit sorry for your child to be honest. She’s close to school age and still being treated like a two-year-old.

@Caiti19 why did you blame MIL to your DC?