AIBU to think my MIL should stop commenting on my parenting?

[DearDog96]

DD turned 4 last month and is our only child (6 months pregnant with baby no. 2). She’s still not potty trained after several attempts, and after the most recent one in January we decided to go back to nappies for a bit to reset things and hopefully try again soon. She also still uses a dummy, mainly at night or at home when relaxing - we rarely let her use it when out and about, and has a bottle of milk at might to fall asleep with. I’ll admit we’ve probably babied her more than we should and been too lenient, but we’ll work on potty training once the weather improves and the dummy and bottle will hopefully go after that (one battle at once and all!). Her dentist has said her teeth are fine so far, so no immediate concerns over that. Over Easter the in-laws were visiting and my MIL kept making comments at DD, telling her she’s too old for nappies, dummies etc. and she’s gonna get bullied when she starts school in September.

I fully plan on having all these things solved in time for school, plus the world is a different place now compared to when she had her kids. AIBU to think she should just keep her nose out and let me parent how I want to

Really but teachers aren’t changing nappies surely?

For Reception year it would likely be a TA. If a child is able to deal with a pull up then they might be encouraged to sort themselves out with guidance

I think in some schools they call the parent to come and do it

Assuming your little girl is otherwise developing normally, I wouldn’t put it off any longer OP.

Starting school is hard enough. So is a new baby sibling. Your little girl needs to be as confident and as practised as possible with her own abilities for personal care before starting school.
Do everything you can to eliminate any possible obstacle to the success of her school-start experience.

I would say concentrate on one job at a time and that the obvious priority is toilet training over losing the dummy and milk bottle which won’t affect her school experience quite so much.

I would aim for day time pants instead of nappies or pull ups as a matter of urgency, in a period of time when you can be with her throughout the day for several days to really concentrate on getting a good bathroom rhythm going with her.

You definitely need a fresh, positive approach.
The ERIC website has good advice.

It’s hard with your first child OP. All parents are different of course, but the tendency definitely can be to baby them and not realise how time has suddenly run away from you when it comes to school readiness and preparation for a new sibling.

Good luck with it all, I’m sure it will all be fine if you aim to get her confident and happy about using the bathroom before the summer and before the new baby.

Wow I wasn’t expecting this many responses at all, but everyone seems to be in agreement (as am I tbh). Yes we’ve been laid back up until now and far too soft with her, but MIL really didn’t need to make those comments to my daughter, I’d have much rather she’d spoken directly to me or DH. We’re first time parents and so are very much learning as we go. Add that to the fact she doesn’t go to nursery, just a play group a couple of times a week, we probably had a skewed idea on what milestones she should be hitting when.

And no this post isn’t a reverse or rage bait, just a mum who knows she could’ve done things better that didn’t need family members getting involved and putting things in DDs head.

The fact is, we can’t go back in time now but it’s clear we need to make some changes. I’ll start with the dummy from today. Using the new sibling is a good idea to help her have a reason for giving them up. I’m a nurse and work night shifts fairly often but have the weekend off so will start potty training then if all goes well with the dummy.

The bottle I’m not as worried about as it’s only at night that she has it and drinks out of a cup during the day just fine.

@DearDog96 do you clean her teeth after the bottle?

Is there a reason she hasn’t gone to pre-school? Her social skills might be behind too

I'm sorry but being a first time parent is no excuse.

Sorry, but I think this is lazy parenting if no learning difficulties. There are two parents here and they are doing what is convenient for them.
I think both parents are letting down the child.

Good for you OP for taking these responses so well, and for being willing to start making changes. Wishing you and your DD all the best.

Your MIL was UR for the bullying comment.

The rest though is true. You are miles behind and it sounds like you have a 2yo not 4yo. I can't believe even a playgroup didn't show you this, but if you're in with younger children you won't see what is devekppmentally appropriate.

Personally the potty is more important than anything. The dummy and bottle are quick fixes, the potty training needs effort. Why has it not been successful before? It sounds like she's cared for by family all the time so get everyone on board and go for it tomorrow. Nappies off and pants only. It's nice enough now and she needs time to be completely independent by September with a possible regression once baby arrives. Bribe if you have to but she needs to be using the toilet.

Do not use the sibling as a reason she needs to give up her bottle/dummy/potty train!

buy some children books on potty train/look for some tv programs (I think bing had one on using the toilet)

big up that she is a big girl now. Do not associate it with not being a baby or she’ll get jealous of her new sibling and have her nose put out.

I think it's good OP, you've taken on board the comments and committed to making a change.

However I don't think the "first time parents" is an excuse four years in. I'm not sure how could you have been oblivious to the fact that bottles, dummies and nappies weren't appropriate for a four year old. Surely you have contact with a health visitor? And even at a playgroup, you would have been in contact with other parents and children to know what was normal and what wasn't.

And I would very much be concerned if she's drinking a bottle of milk to fall asleep. Not only is there the issue of tooth decay but if she's falling asleep with liquid in her mouth it's a risk of choking too.

Don’t use the new baby as an excuse op; that’s just going to cause resentment, because the baby will have these things.

and being a new parent is no excuse. We are all new parents first time and we don’t keep our kid in nappies to nearly school age, using a dummy and a bottle at bed.

our Job as parents is to teach our children and help them develop. You need to start that today, not the weekend, not the summer. And no the bottle ar night isn’t ok.

and no you can’t use the new baby as an excuse. Explain to your child properly and work with her.

One of my daughters was slow to become potty trained. My mother told me no child goes off to college without being potty trained and that calmed me down. Girls usually don't like to interrupt what they are doing to go potty but she might have something else going on that has not been identified. Is she on the spectrum?

It's the not the comments from the MIL, it will be the comments from the other students that could really harm her self-esteem.

I agree with this op. Your comments seem like excuses and there is no way as a nurse you don’t know the hazard of a bottle at bed, or what milestones a child should habe and thought they all used dummies and nappies at 4.

its also not being laid back. Unless you mean laid back as in lazy. Because your child is 4, she doesn’t know. It is on you to teach her and help her develop

is she behind in other areas too?

Oh come on OP, just own this how it was in your first post, You wanted mil to butt out so you could parent how you want … not that you didn’t want her to say things in front of dd. I think it’s good she said it to dd .. it might make your dd think about things a little bit more than you are tbh. You have 5 months before your dd starts school, a baby due in 3 months .. so in those last 3 months of pregnancy when you will be tired, heavy, slower, you plan to ditch the dummy, ditch the bottle, potty train (which has already failed several times), and expect dd to be fine with all those changes .. as well as a new sibling. Good luck. I suggest you start immediately with the dummy and bottle. Potty training should take no time at all at your dd’s age.

@DearDog96 would be a good idea to check a list on what your child should be able to do before starting school, especially if they haven't been to pre school. This list focuses less on the academic side and more on the social/life skills side. So can they take turns, get dressed independently, put shoes on, use cutlery etc

Why does the weather have to be warmer? I’m baffled

@bagpuss90 going clothes/nappy free in the garden, so minimising accidents in the house. Also I guess able to dry clothes outside

Oh give over, it’s a 24/7 thing toilet training, she’s not going to shove her kid in the garden for 14 hours a day and kids pants dry quickly and easily.

And yes your mum shouldn't have been saying those things to your DD but also maybe at 4 and starting school soon, your DD needs to become comfortable with the idea that dummies, bottles and nappies are for babies and not girls who will be starting school soon.

And I don't think you can be angry at her getting involved. She's her grandmother and obviously quite rightly concerned. You've admitted you've been laid back and if your MIL hadn't had said anything would you have just continued down this path of being laid back and too soft to the detriment of your DD.

The grandmother mentioned it to your dd directly because it’s very likely you’ve projected the tone of your opening post, which is very much get the fuck out of my parenting. Thats why she had to. Support your child to meet basic development milestones and she won’t. First time parents is not an excuse for this, she’s 4.

Agreed she shouldn't have mentioned to your daughter and good you've taken people's comments on board.

You were a first time parent 4 years ago... you can't really use that as an excuse til she's 21 though. You and your DH need to take.some responsibility as the adults in this situation and stop "being far too soft" because there's being soft and then there is potentially holding your child back developmentally.

Who looks after your daughter in the day while you're working (as you said she doesn't do creche)... can they not help you with potty training. Maybe pick up some books (for your daughter) on potty training and as others have said I'd go straight for toilet training at this age rather than potty.

Enough people have mentioned how late your DD is. But I do think you have made it extra hard on yourself OP and you seem to not fully realise it yet.

Realistic you 4 1/2 months to sort this out before she starts school. My DS was potty training around his 3rd birthday and stil wet himself at nursery with reduced frequentsy for at least 6 months or so.

Potty training is not a few weeks of accidents and then never again. She going to need to learn how to stop what's she is doing and go to the toilet. Something all children struggle with at the beginning. An now you have the baby and the excitement of school on top of all the normal stuff.

I would suggest you focus on the potty training. The other two things can wait. What we're the issues she had the other times you tried potty training?

The issue here really isn’t the mil telling her granddaughter she’s too old for these things and she may get bullied, quite frankly it’s arguable someone has to tell this little girl because otherwise she’s going to think it’s perfectly normal.

id be using it as my stepping stone, today, saying granny is right, you’re a big girl now, going to school soon, which is very exciting, so we need to stop the dummy and bottle and get into big girl pants so you’re all ready and can focus on making friends, learning and having fun. What shall we do first. Engage her in it, make her part of the plan, let her say what’s first to go.