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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Lovely man but still lives with his mum - red flag or not?

299 replies

Wasabiforlunch · 12/04/2026 22:05

I’ve recently started seeing someone and I’m feeling really conflicted about it.

On paper (and in person!), he’s great. He’s mid 40s, has a solid job in the civil service, and when we’re together it’s genuinely easy - we laugh a lot, he’s kind, generous, and we can talk for hours without any awkwardness or boredom. We’ve got so much in common and I do really enjoy his company.

But…he still lives with his mum. It’s just the two of them, and his parents separated years ago. From what I can tell, she does pretty much everything for him. I don’t want to sound harsh, but it gives me a bit of an “arrested development” or “Peter pan” vibe and I’m finding it a little off-putting.

I can’t work out if I’m overreacting and this is just one of those situations that looks worse from the outside, or if it’s actually a red flag about independence and lifestyle compatibility.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? Did it turn out to be fine, or did it end up being an issue longer term?

I don’t want to write off someone I genuinely get on with, but equally I can’t shake the feeling that this could become a problem.

WWYD?

OP posts:
shellyleppard · 12/04/2026 22:08

If he's not flown the nest by now....i doubt he ever will. If it was me I would proceed with extreme caution

Kastri · 12/04/2026 22:08

I would feel he's lining up his next housekeeper for when his mum's not able.
It would definitely not be a 'job' I wanted!

cadburyegg · 12/04/2026 22:09

That would give me the major ick.

If it was clear it was only a temporary arrangement that might be different but the fact his mum seems to do everything for him… no thank you.

Knotgrass · 12/04/2026 22:10

I’d find a man who had not been living independently for many years by his mid-40s about as attractive as a cup of cold sick.

JHound · 12/04/2026 22:10

Him living with his mom is not necessarily a red flag for me but her doing everything for him IS a massive red flag.

LauraJaneGrace · 12/04/2026 22:11

Depends, did he move out and then move back due to different circumstances? Separation, caring needs, economic reasons???

Or has he never, ever lived apart from his mum at the age of forty something?

If it's the second I'd run for the hills.

BusyDenimLion · 12/04/2026 22:12

I wouldn’t say living with his mum is a red flag as such. Probably makes sense from a financial and company sense of view if it would just be them living alone otherwise.

Her doing everything for him would be a red flag for me though. He isn’t a child. That’s just weird.

BruFord · 12/04/2026 22:13

Has he ever lived independently? If not, and his Mum seems to do everything for him, I'd be wary!

Although it also depends on what you want from a relationship. If you don't see yourself ever wanting to move in with a partner, for example, it could be fine. If you do, he might be someone who expects you to do everything (just like his Mum).

DrCoconut · 12/04/2026 22:13

Temporary arrangement or even living with but independent from is one thing. Malcolm Merton style is something else. Maybe don't write him off yet but proceed with caution.

MabelRoyds · 12/04/2026 22:13

Living with his mum is understandable. Her doing everything for him less optimal, what dies ‘ everything ‘ involve?!

crazeekat · 12/04/2026 22:14

Has he never EVER moved out? Never lived with someone else that maybe didn’t work out? Travelled?

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 12/04/2026 22:14
Angry Oh No GIF by CBC

This sums it up.
There is zero chance he is a fully functioning adult who is not enmeshed with this mother.

Endofyear · 12/04/2026 22:14

Have you asked him why he lives with his mum? It's pretty unusual but there might be family reasons that you don't know about? My unmarried uncle lived with my gran - after my grandad died, she said 'Son, can I live with you'? and I don't think he had the heart to say no so they bought a house together. My gran married at 18 and had relied on my grandad a lot so I think the idea of living on her own was very scary and all her other children were married with families. It actually worked pretty well for them but I do wonder if he might have met someone and had a relationship if he'd had more freedom and independence 😔

Dragracer · 12/04/2026 22:14

Has he always lived with his mum? That would be a huge red flag. Massive, shark infested waters level.

If he's recently moved back due to a relationship breakdown and its intended to be temporary then perhaps not.q

Go on a cheap Airbnb holiday, see if he washes pots etc without being asked.

Dragracer · 12/04/2026 22:15

Has he always lived with his mum? That would be a huge red flag. Massive, shark infested waters level.

If he's recently moved back due to a relationship breakdown and its intended to be temporary then perhaps not.q

Go on a cheap Airbnb holiday, see if he washes pots etc without being asked.

Artimouse · 12/04/2026 22:16

My girlfriend (now wife) lived with her parents when we got together. It did give me pause, but ended well for me!

The things that made me okay with it were:
-it made sense why she did

  • she had moved out prior and had spent time living else where both as a student but also as an adult
  • while there she treated them in a way that was both respectful but also adult. She wasn't acting like a stroppy teen with them doing all the chores for example, had hobbies etc, holidays with friends but didn't treat them poorly, helped them out and would tell them when she was due back etc

Without those 3 things I don't think i would have moved forward

I moved back in with my parents at one point and never mastered the act of living like an adult while there. It didnt make sense for me to do my own washing for example, but equally you need good boundaries.Its tricky!

CatsLikeBoxes · 12/04/2026 22:16

Depends -

Has he ever lived independently?
What's his relationship history?
What are his plans for the future?

Like others, if his mum is still looking after him then that's the part that's off-putting.
Also does this mean he always has to hang out at yours to spend time with you when you're not out on dates?

TwistedWonder · 12/04/2026 22:18

LauraJaneGrace · 12/04/2026 22:11

Depends, did he move out and then move back due to different circumstances? Separation, caring needs, economic reasons???

Or has he never, ever lived apart from his mum at the age of forty something?

If it's the second I'd run for the hills.

I was going to ask exactly the same thing

My friend moved in with her mum after her dad died because her mum was struggling on her own.

That’s completely different to someone who has never left home imo

CalmTheFuckDownMargaret · 12/04/2026 22:18

Has he never left home? Not for uni, backpacking or with an ex? If he’d done that and moved back in with his mum for convenience that’s a bit different. If he’s literally never been independent at 40 I’d not be interested. This is basic adulthood - cleaning your own house, paying bills, doing your own grocery shopping, cooking, hosting friends… and he’s got no experience of it without his mum helping.

Gleanzer · 12/04/2026 22:18

Red flag for me if he is still in "child mode" at home. But talk to him about it, don't just assume it's exactly what it looks like.

LBFseBrom · 12/04/2026 22:19

You are right to be cautious, I would be about a forty year old man still living with mum, especially as he has a very good job.

However we should not generalise. Take it slowly, see how it goes, get to know his mum who may be a lively woman with a life of her own, only too glad to see her son settle down.

Talk to him about your concerns, what he expects from a wife or partner. Is he prepared to go 50/50 as far as possible, does he like the idea of having his own home? I daresay becoming 40 has sneaked up on him, the years go by quickly sometimes and he may not have intended to stay with mum for so long, it just happened.

Good communication is very important here but don't write him off yet. It may well work out.

Hailstoness · 12/04/2026 22:19

JHound · 12/04/2026 22:10

Him living with his mom is not necessarily a red flag for me but her doing everything for him IS a massive red flag.

This.
Whatever about circumstances that can be explained, her doing everything would mean he's helpless.
Major ick.

Credittocress · 12/04/2026 22:19

I’d worry about her starting to play up if things got serious between you both. Would she be happy living alone if he wanted to move in with a partner? I’ve seen set ups like this, and the mothers are fine for their sons to casually date, but then get very difficult when things start to look serious and they might lose them.

Thehorticulturalhussie · 12/04/2026 22:20

A relative was like this. He eventually got married though and expected his wife to be a substitute housekeeper. Unfortunately she didn’t run for the hills and was utterly miserable. Run and don’t look back.

Whatexcellentboiledpotatoes · 12/04/2026 22:23

If he's moved in for a bit because something's happened or he's looking after her then fine.

If he's never left home then oh good god no. I couldn't not deal with that. He has no idea how to live Alone, pay his own bills, run his own house? Ick. You'll just get to be his next housekeeper, not a partner. Because how can a man who's never looked after himself fully be expected to be in an equal partnership with you?

Run for the hills.