To marry a man more than twice my age

[sarahsdilemma]

I’m a lawyer, well-educated, and I’ve worked very hard to get where I am but deeply unhappy in my job. I find it stressful, all-consuming and, if I’m honest, quite miserable. The long hours, weekend work and constant pressure are really getting to me, and even looking ahead, I can see that while the pay improves, it still comes at a big personal cost. People ahead of me are doing well, but they’re still working incredibly hard and the mums often either go part time (so a pay cut) or miss weekends and bedtimes with their kids.

I’ve been in a relationship for about a year with a man more than twice my age. He owns a (highly successful) business, has been married before and has children. I appreciate how this sounds, but he treats me very well and I feel happy and supported with him. He helps me financially, I have a card linked to his account rather than a formal allowance, and more recently he’s been talking about a future together, including marriage.

He’s seen how unhappy I am in my job and has gently suggested that I don’t have to continue if it’s making me this miserable. I’ve been very cautious about that, as I don’t want to make myself vulnerable or dependent on someone else. To address that, he’s offered to buy a property in London in my name as an engagement present, which I could rent out and keep the income from, regardless of what happens between us.

I do want children, probably more than I want a career, and I can’t help but think about what kind of life I actually want long-term. My mum, who I love and respect, thinks this is a terrible idea and keeps saying I should find someone my own age. Her main concern seems to be the age gap and questioning his motives, but she isn’t really giving me much practical reasoning beyond that, which is making it harder for me to weigh things up properly.

I also look at her life and how hard she’s worked balancing a job with most of the childcare and housework, and I’m not sure that’s the path I want for myself. With my partner, realistically, there would be more support in day-to-day life / paid help.

I know relationships can go wrong, and I’m not naive about that. But I do genuinely care about him and feel happy with him as a person. I’m trying to think about this sensibly and not rush into anything, but I also don’t want to dismiss something that could give me a very different (and potentially happier) life.

So… AIBU to even be considering this? I’d really appreciate honest but kind perspectives.

More than twice your age? You’ll be wiping his arse for him within a decade.

joking aside, (sort of), don’t go hooking yourself up with some fella this old. No good will come of it. And I say that as someone who’s in her 50s

Would you marry him if he was penniless
yes - do what makes you happy
no - walk away

Presumably you’re on a good salary as a solicitor, yet you rely on your boyfriend for financial support?

It's just my opinion, but I would only marry a man who I loved.

@Kidsaregrim
That’s a fair question and I’ve been trying to be honest with myself about it.

It’s hard to separate money from the relationship because our dates and trips are shaped by money too. We do have a lot of fun together and I genuinely enjoy his company. We recently went away to a European city and it was romantic, easy and just really nice to spend time together. He makes me laugh and he’s caring.

But I’m also aware that part of that “ease” probably comes from the lifestyle. We’re able to do nice things, go to nice places, and there isn’t really any stress around money.

It’s the same with his children – I get on well with them and we have nice days out, but maybe because if we’re out, the nanny is the one dealing with things like taking them to the bathroom or keeping them entertained, which means we can just sit and have a relaxed conversation. So of course that makes everything feel easier and more enjoyable.

If the answer was yes you should marry him then 90% of your post wouldn’t have been written or relevant.

Go for it @ToffeeCrabApplehave you ever seen Mr Axelfords Angel ?

Is he love bombing you and is the connection real or is it that you are young and that’s his attraction to you? Was he faithful to his ex? I think it could work but more often than not these situations dont. What are the actual ages?

This.

Have a good think about this situation. He’s been married before, but wants a younger wife. Might trade in again later.

Would you genuinely be happy when 40 to have an 80 year old husband? It’s easy to say it would be great, but the reality can be quite different.

You keep on talking about care and caring. Do you love him?

I am going to assume you are about 30 and he is about 60.

You say you want kids. Does he? Have you actually had a discussion about him potentially parenting wayward teenagers when he is 75? And have you considered the prospect of being a mum to kids at the same time as being a carer to, or organising careers for an aging husband at the same time?

From a financial point of view you will be well catered for from the sound of it. And, being honest, you could be a rich widow in your 50s/60s and enjoy a very comfortable lifestyle.

But the fact you want kids would throw a spanner in the works.

@ValidPistachio
Yes, I am on a good salary for my age. I think “good salary” in London is comfortable, but it’s not the kind of money where you feel financially free or like you can just do what you want without thinking about it.

For example, if I were buying on my own now, it would realistically be something like a modest flat, not a luxurious central London property like the one I live in now, and certainly not without compromises. It’s still very much a case of budgeting, thinking about big expenses, and working hard for everything. The higher earnings are years away, and they come with a lot of pressure and long hours, and maybe barely seeing my kids or having them much later.

If you are even half established this means you are late 20s and he is pushing 60s....

Does he have kids already?
If so what's his will going to look like?
All to the kids? What provision will there be for you?

It wouldnt be my first choice by a long shot but very people few live perfect lives.
You already sound like you have a sugar daddy type arrangement so you can probably have the money chat upfront as crude as it is

If you really do want to consider marriage you really need to lay ot all out on the table and get it ALL agreed upfront in a contractual manner.
(Think Charlotte's prenup in SATC)
I'd want a life insurance in my name for him.

You also need to consider the fact you may well be expected to be his carer for a large bulk of your life. People can be in poor health and still live 25yrs or so....so that needs to bw
e discussed upfront.

He wont be active with your kids / may be dead / incapacitated for a lot of their lives....are you okay with that?

If you stop work and he becomes financially abusive whats your plan then?Will he give you £££ upfront so you have security- will you being your own savings which are ringfenced?

Id get some therapy to talk it through
...

Again its crude but 🤷🏻‍♀️ here we are...
If you do it i would have the kids (minimum 2) fairly promptly to lock in it since you are doing it for the security and they'll be your meal ticket.

I'd do it. After twenty five years as a full time high earner and still not having the financial security of owning my home outright, health being affected by stress etc and looking down the barrel of at least fifteen years til retirement, I'd take any chance to have some financial security and a passive income. Love is overrated.

@Credittocress
Yes, I do love him. I genuinely adore him and I have a better time with him than anyone else. I’m very attracted to him for so many reasons, I love living with him, and he does feel like my best friend. A message from him in the day still makes me feel excited and smiley.

I don’t feel unsure about my feelings for him. I suppose what I’m questioning is whether love on its own is enough to base this kind of decision on.

How old are you OP? You talk about a nanny taking his DC to the loo, so they're presumably quite young. Did he have them later in life, or is he youngish himself? You have to consider the future as well as the now. How will it be when you're 10, 20, 30 years hence? Will you become his carer? Will you still be working while he's happily retired?

Why not change careers? It sounds like that's what's making you unhappy. No need to give up on your own earning potential at the first sight of a potential partner with money. Wouldn't you be better off finding a fulfilling career then having kids with a man nearer your own age?

Twice your age? Yuk! Definitely not. He’ll be an old man in 10 years (if he isn’t already).

It comes across like you feel that you have to stay in the same job if you don’t marry him. Why not consider a career change?
Personally, I wouldn’t have children with someone that old.

A sugar daddy relationship with that kind of age gap can turn very toxic and controlling.

He's already got kids who are likely to resent you if he married again and is gifting you valuable properties.

Would you marry this guy if he had no money?

I would strongly advise against you stopping work. That will leave you vulnerable.

@SalmonOnFinnCrisp OP wrote he already has kids and employs a nanny.

If he's in his fifties or sixties his sperm has more of a likelihood of creating a disabled child.

If anyone ever has any doubt over marrying a man absolutely listen to that doubt. It could spare you and any potential kid a load of trauma and expense.

I agree with the PP who said if you really wanted to marry this man, with the imbalance of age and wealth, the long original post wouldn't be needed.

If you love him, regardless of money, then go for it.

If you don’t , then don’t.

@sarahsdilemma

Your ages atm are relevant- are you 30 and he is 60 or are you 35 and he is 70?
Because once you hit a certain age you do get older faster.
Will he be able/is he interested in fathering another child?

Where is his ex in all of this? do they share custody? is she his only other wife? what is their age difference? is he nice to her?

How old is he if he has children going enough to need a nanny? What happened to the mother of those children and how old was she? They must have split up when the children were very young

What's your age ? If under 35 , i'd say no because you might change your mind and have different goals in a few years .
If over 35 ( your choice ) and I would think you have thought about all the scenarios and have you head screwed on to how life in the future may look .