AIBU not to understand parents dreading school holidays with their children?

[Fancycrab]

A lot of my mum friends are constantly saying things like “counting down the days till their back in school”, and before the holidays, “I’m dreading this two weeks”, “what am I going to do with them?!”, “why are the holidays so bloody long” etc etc. Firstly, I just want to say this has nothing to do with work or money, I understand that school holidays can be difficult for working parents (myself included) but many of the parents I’ve heard saying this are SAHMs with plenty of money. Some of them have even said stuff in front of their kids or to them, like “god what am I gonna do with you for two weeks”. I feel sorry for their kids, it’s like they don’t like spending time with them or even like them. Makes me think why’d you bother having kids if you don’t like spending time with them?? School holidays are difficult for me cos I have to shuffle my working hours about and pay for a few holiday clubs, but I love spending time with them. I’m a single parent too and I don’t have a lot of money and yeah it’s a lot sometimes, but I love going on walks with them, taking them to the park or making something at home. I genuinely enjoy their company and realise these years while their young and actually enjoy spending time with me are going to be gone in a nano second and I’ll never get them back, so I make sure I appreciate these years and make the most of them. AIBU to not understand the mindset of dreading having your kids at home for the holidays (barring financial or work reasons)?

Not at all unreasonable not to understand. Some people aren’t so good at seeing outside their own world view, and that’s absolutely fine.

Entirely unreasonable to judge on that basis, though.

Well, I have cancer and spend about half the day in bed in order to function. School holidays are tricky because I don’t get that time to rest. Dh does his best to take them out and do things, but he does have to work. I scrape by trying to nap with one eye open while they fight.

That said, I don’t recall any school holidays - except when we were actually on holiday - when my parents took off work to spend time with me. I was dumped off to my grandparents every day. So I’m guessing they didn’t particularly enjoy it either!

We do live in a holiday destination where everyone decamps in the school holidays as well. It does make things tricky. When you finally have time to go out and enjoy things on days off, all of London is here in their Range Rovers blocking the roads and taking up all the space everywhere. So days out are nice; days out during school holidays in particular, not so nice.

Why do you think that is? If you take the obvious life circumstances out of it - finances, career, difficult relationship with the other parent, kids with special needs/ND, why do you think some find it harder than others? If you believe @arethereanyleftatall its cos some parents are too clever 🤣

IMO its cos some parents put too much pressure on themselves to do everything ‘right’, which I think comes from the fact that ‘parenting’ is a relatively new concept and there’s a lot of societal pressure on parents, especially mothers, to do things ‘right’. There’s also so much judgement of mothers, made a lot worse by social media

Yeah I do hate it but I also hate all that “why mummy drinks” nonsense which is equally damaging imo.

I am happy to admit that the reason I enjoyed school holidays is because my ex husband (who is a teacher) used to have the girls for most of it! I was useless when they were young and he is a really lovely father (just a terrible husband). Every summer he would take them to his country and they got to spend time with aunts, uncles and cousins who they didn’t see often. They had wonderful times with their father, his family ans learned a lot about their heritage. I got to concentrate on work without having to worry about childcare. I’m spoilt, I know. Now they are young adults and still have wonderful relationships with their paternal grandparents and extended family which wouldn’t have happened without those long summers.

Our local newsagent (bear their primary schools) made a comment once along the lines of
“oh yes I you actually like being with your kids”

it felt like I was the unusual one, which was a nice compliment and depressing at the same time

I don't this attitude towards people who struggle helps. Mine are 5 and 4. I'm exhausted in these holidays. We do plenty of activities and they play together nicely sometimes but wow it's hard work. It's not about not enjoying time with the kids it's just they are non stop and it's hard. I think it's ok to say that.

To be honest I used to think a bit like that. Though I work FT so my kids went to holiday club most of the time so it wasn't much different for me than the school week. I took some days off of course and we did stuff like visit grandparents, national trust places etc.

But it was dramatically different once they were at secondary school because there aren't holiday clubs for that age. My daughter (my youngest) is in her first year of secondary and the lack of routine and activity has been difficult for her. It's really hit home during the current easter holidays and the feb half term because we went on holiday October half term and also had time off at Christmas when there was lots going on. But since then she's left to her own devices. One of us is always WFH but obviously we can't go out with her or entertain her so I've heard a lot of "I'm bored" and she's been on screens far more than i would like. But she has decluttered her whole room (took 3 days), done some art work and baking and met up with a school friend a couple of times. Her older brother and his girlfriend also kindly took her to the cinema with them once though I suppose that's just another kind of screen! Even when I have been off she's not so enthusiastic about the stuff I used to take her to when she was younger but both we and she are struggling to find ideas that she'll enjoy but don't cost a bomb. Today we are going to help paint a community mural (free) so I'm really pleased about that. She's actually glad to be going back to school tomorrow!

I have a lot of sympathy for parents of kids who aren't sporty or "crafty" and don't like holiday clubs because I now see how hard it is to get a balance of chilling and being occupied in a positive way. It doesn't mean we don't enjoy our children's company.

In the same way I won’t pretend to understand the difficulties or complexities of being a working parent, or a single parent, I think you just don’t understand what being a SAHP can be like. It’s not just “two weeks” - my kids are always home/under my care, the 6 hours at school aside, so the novelty of all the things you are imagining doing with your children has long ago worn off. I already spend vast amounts of time with them but I can’t spend the whole summer holidays on foreign holidays, at theme parks or “making memories” - so therefore there’s a fair amount of drudge and monotony. And because I’m a SAHP I don’t put the kids in childcare - so I am “on” 24/7 and don’t get much time to myself. That can feel hard when kids are little. Not to say school holidays aren’t valuable time, but can be hard.

I wouldn’t complain about it in front of my kids, or even to anyone outside my immediate circle of like minded SAHPs, but I won’t feel guilty or that I shouldn’t have had my kids just because I found being with my kids 24/7 for weeks at a time, without any of my usual supports, pretty hard work.

It’s mostly just conversation- we all bitch and moan and partially mean it partially are thrilled to have them there.

I agree, why bother having children if you don't want to spend time with them, my mother worked in termtime and counted down the days until the holidays. m These days it seems that every waking hour of a child's life needs to be filled with activities.
This is a strain on time and finances- a rainy day in the holidays meant having to stay in rather than go shopping or for a walk- we would just get stacks of comics out and read them- if children are never allowed to be bored how will they manage to organise their time, or be creative?

I love spending time with my kids but the holidays don't really allow you to do that, it's a holiday for them not you. Parents still have to work, do the housework/shopping/meals etc but with the kids out of school you also need to take time off and do things with them, arrange treats or childcare, it's neverending. If it was just a holiday we all had off together then yes that would be great 🤷‍♀️

My kids are totally different in their personalities and likes and dislikes. One is incredibly sporty and on the go constantly, the other is quiet and artistic and likes to read and draw. Finding ways to keep them both entertained when they were smaller was a fucking nightmare. Having to have a long protracted negotiation to drag one of them out to the park just so the other could have a kick about and tire themselves out on the climbing frame. Then having to manage one DC's boundless energy while stuck in the house so the other DC could finish their painting or baking - with me having to oversee it all. It was a stressful juggle and I can't pretend I looked forward to it. Occasionally we could all get out for a nice walk and it would be fine, but that never happened reliably. It was more likely to end in my having to referee an argument between the two of them.

I'm so glad they're older and can be left alone now. I can go for a swim with the active DC and leave the artistic DC to their reading if they don't fancy coming.

Fair play to you if you have the sort of kids who will play harmoniously together and spend hours making blanket forts in the front room and making cardboard box space rockets. But surely it's not beyond the realms of most peoples' imagination to understand that not every family's personalities mesh so easily.

Trying to keep everyone happy while refereeing squabbles and mitigate constant whining is not my idea of a great time tbh. Shoot me.

IMO its cos some parents put too much pressure on themselves to do everything ‘right’, which I think comes from the fact that ‘parenting’ is a relatively new concept and there’s a lot of societal pressure on parents, especially mothers, to do things ‘right’. There’s also so much judgement of mothers, made a lot worse by social media

I agree there is too much pressure on parents but disagree that if you find the holidays hard you shouldn’t have dc!

I think this is such a lightweight opinion that shows a real lack of diversity in the people you know. You can always tell when people bring out the “pressure from social media” trope when in fact, most people are not active on social media and even those who are mainly don’t follow parents and get pressurised by them.

Some people find it harder than others as their baseline life presents different challenges. If you have a high pressure job, if you have other caring responsibilities, things that make it hard to completely change routine for 6 weeks the change again in September it’s harder than it is for people who have slower/ smaller/ steadier lifestyles.

attitude and emotional regulation plays a huge part too- people have different reactions to overwhelm, which impacts their stress levels.

i honestly think it’s pretty obvious, if you just think about the things people have said on this thread.

You started a whole thread with a judgemental statement about how mothers who don't look forward to spending the holidays with their children shouldn't have had them?!

I had a SAHM and in the circumstances you describe I never learnt to manage my time, or be creative. I struggled massively with time management until I was in my 30s, and I am
still not creative.

i don’t even understand your point- in the circumstances you describe I just got into bed with a pile of books. It wasn’t time management or creative

I love my kids but also really struggle when they try and kill each other during the school holidays.

I used to cry at the end of every school holiday. Even the half terms. It’s a family joke!

i found it hard. Always making plans/playdates/out of routine/if working getting them in to clubs (recently my eldest told me she hated the club which made me feel awful - it was the only one locally to me that did full days, was relatively cheap and on my way to work). Also soft play and hanging round a cold playground. It wasn’t all ‘bad’ but I had no family support so all the organising was down to me. I enjoyed actually being in holiday though - dh could help, we often holidayed with friends etc.
In the USA I’m sure kids go to summer camps for most of it, hence ‘Camp America’ etc. so you can’t really hold them up as an example of great parenting either.

Ps: as a child I couldn’t wait to get back to school at the end of the summer and I didn’t even like school!

I love being off but I think it’s because I work in education and find balancing work and 3 dcs with absolutely zero family support very , very exhausting . I think if you dont work it can obviously be harder as you have way more time for yourself can actually get a break so I can see that. Often the parents that are relieved at drop offs after a holiday don’t work (in my experience) and while I’m rushing to work they can go to the gym or sort out their house etc which honestly is a lot easier imho. I know you’re a lone parent but do you have any family support?
I am guessing your kids are at the nice ages 5-11? I found activities/days out a million times easier when mine were younger , pre teen and teens has been a lot more challenging than I thought . They don’t want to do stuff that we enjoyed when they were smaller, there’s so so much more conflict. And I know on mn everyone says just to leave them but they’d be on screens all day and they are sporty dcs !!
You don’t know other people’s circumstances, some dcs are really really difficult at home , as mum of 3 DCs and a teacher is isn’t your amazing parenting that makes your kids easier. My kids loved days out and it was a joy a few years ago , the transformation in recent years has been a huge shock …

Ah I see the ages ! Peak easy age 😂😂😂

Name changed

I'm a parent who dreads the hoildays especially the summer.

I have 3 dc Ages between 13 and 7.
My son is severely autistic and violent. We can't go anywhere due to this. So no parks or even walks when the weather is nice. I often take him and his brother to the park late at night. So I know it's empty. Or when it's raining badly outside.

We spend most of our days indoors as its too unsafe to take ds 10 outside. I work term time but dh works shifts. When dh is off one of us can take the smaller one out. Dd is older so can go out with her friends. We have no family support.

My days are spend being slapped and punched in the face. cleaning poo off the walls and cleaning the house after my son has trashed it once again. My mood drops I often fantasied about running away or jumping over a bridge. Anything to get released from this life.

When school goes back I start to feel like a human again. I feel like me. I can eat my lunch without someone throwing food in my face or chucking my plate across the room. I can spend a min or two with my own thought's.

So yeah I'm one of they shit parents who hate the hoildays

I agree. Used to love the holidays we would go out on walks, to the beach, to museums and parks take packed lunches potter around in the garden and meet up with friends. Now I seem to be finding ways to keep DC off screens.

Dd2 is now 13 none of her friends seem to do anything in the holidays (DD has suggested meeting up) and as they are at high school are scattered around a fair bit so can't just call on each other to hang out. She does have a club Saturday and Sunday am. But otherwise the week is long, I can sometimes persuade her to bake with me or go for a short walk. We do board games occasionally but dd1 doesn't enjoy them and two people can be boring after a while. I can't say I'm particularly looking forward to the summer holidays at the moment, which is a shame. Though I'm certainly not dreading them. Dd1 has a sports club 4x a week which was a blessing for her last summer.