If you haven’t done it by 50 you never will.

[Wish44]

Morning all,

I have a long standing debate with my mum about my brother -

he is in his 50’s now and has been single since his early twenties. He is nearly always in a casual relationship of some sort and sometimes these relationships last for up to two years. We occasionally meet the women and they always seem lovely. However he will never ever enter a committed relationship with them and the relationships end eventually when the women realise that he is never going to commit. He is honest with them with his words but his actions don’t match so it always takes a while to play out.

His take on this is that he has just never meets the right one and never falls in love, he actually says he is sad about this as he wanted a family. My mum totally believes this and spends her life hoping he will meet the one soon. I think he has problems with commitment and will never do it . He had several traumas in his late teens and one in his early twenties that would cause this.

so I am asking the internet has anyone got any experience of being single for a life time ( though choice) and then finding someone they really click with and fall in love with in later life?

you are being unreasonable- it can take until later life to meet the one.

you are not being reasonable- if you want a committed relationship you can find someone to fall in love with.

I think he's going to find it very difficult to live with someone at this stage. It needs a lot of practice when we're younger and more open to learning and accommodating others.

I think this is a really strange approach from you.

It may be likely, given his relationship history to date, that he won’t meet a life partner. But not impossible, and really not your business. There’s inherent judgment in your post.

In any case, just because there may be some people (and of course there are, I know several, men especially) who have met someone later in life, it doesn’t provide any indication of whether your brother will or won’t.

Yes, I can think of a couple I know where she was single into her late fifties/early sixties, met someone (a widower) and they fell in love, married within six months and are by all accounts very happy. Only one though out of quite a wide circle of acquaintances. I think it’s possible that your brother will marry but perhaps not likely, especially if he’s unwilling to do the work on his previous trauma.

I think that’s definitely true- I am just wondering if he will actually meet anyone he wants to live with

Ah that’s a nice story and I do hope that this happens for him-

He has had therapy for his trauma and we talk about the issue. He maintains it’s not the trauma and he just is yet to meet the right person -

Why does it matter ? Maybe he’s happier the way he is .

I’m no psychologist, but I suspect the answer to this lies with your brother and his feelings. It’s not that it’s impossible to meet and sustain a LTR in later life - look at widows and widowers who have another relationship - but is it not likely that your brother is sabotaging his relationships?

At some level, love and attraction only goes so far, and for a relationship to work, both parties need to be willing to find ways through differences. A conscious choice has to be made to commit - or not. As long as your DB chooses not, he is also choosing to be single.

He says he is unhappy about it and wants a family

Well- my BFF met her husband when he was 50. He'd never been married, never really had a long term girlfriend. They married and had their first child when he was 57 and their second when he was 59. Been together 24 years now and have a really solid happy marriage. He had just never met 'the one'. Neither had she really- in her early 30s when they met and had never had a relationshop longer than a few weeks.

Yes he sabotages them by refusing to commit. He is never emotionally committed to these relationships and never minds when they end

Yes I know a man who lived with his mum into his 50s and then met a woman who already had 3 children. They are together still, after about 6 years, and have bought a house together now that her youngest is 18.

I also know another man who never married, had two long-term relationships, one where they lived together but it didn't work out so they split when he was in his late forties. He met another woman via a dating app who had 2 children already, but grown-up, and they have been together 10 years, got married 5 years ago. They are both almost 60 now.

Both nice men. First possibly had commitment issues, but second didn't at all. Just unlucky.

That’s lovely-

Just for clarification my brother has no issue meeting women who want to have relationships with him - he is always in a casual relationship. He just will not take it to the next level. The women always want to

My colleague in her mid 40s met now husband who was then about 50. Both of their families were starting to think the same thing you are about them. Neither married before, both were living alone and there is nothing much odd about them, they have been happily married 10 years now. Unable to have children but both would have if they’d met earlier.

My brother similar to yours, not committed relationships, never lived with someone, in his late 40s told everyone he will likely never settle down - possibly to stop people asking - no trauma, he is great with children and I know would have had them if he’d met the right person earlier. He did still date a bit but as far as I know, now late 50s he doesn’t.

He will continue to be single unless he changes something about himself. Either his outlook or his behaviour. Because realistically if you've been the same for 30 years and it hadn't resulted in a particular outcome, the chances of that changing at a time when there are fewer opportunities is very slim indeed.
It can happen, but most of us don't live in a fairytale where 'the one' has always been out there, and its just a matter of waiting for our paths to cross. Most of us accept that we cross paths with a lot of potential partners and its down to our behaviour and choices whether we turn any of them into our 'one'.
Your brother either doesn't really want a relationship so has self sabotaged, or his expectations are unrealistic because what he brings doesn't correlate to what he wants.
If he is to find a partner he would need to firstly commit to the idea, secondly be realistic about what sort of person may want to be in a relationship with him and be prepared to compromise, and thirdly put the work in to ensure he has something to offer that a woman would want.

That’s interesting to hear your brother is similar. Does he say he just never met the one? Is he happy/accepting of his singleness?

I was my late OHs first real girlfriend, we met when he was 45 and ended up together for 15 years before he died. His family had given up on him ever finding someone (and we're convinced he was gay).

Sometimes it does happen, but his brother in the same situation died alone. Hope for the best for him, but prepare as if it won't.

What do you mean he is honest with his words but his actions don’t match?

The two are not mutually exclusive.

It sounds like he's dealt with the trauma on a personal level in that he's happy in his own skin and with his life in general (and this is infinitely more important than whether he finds a partner).

But all our life events shape us and they shape the kind of people we want to share our lives with. I wouldn't call my childhood traumatic per se (though others might) but it wasn't ideal and I'm NC with my parents. DP also has a strained relationship with his parents and the fact that we both "got" that about each other was a significant reason we felt able to be vulnerable with each other (rather than the avoidant detachment with which I'd previously approached relationships).

So there may not be a direct, conscious link between his trauma and his relationships. But it's natural that he'll only feel able to truly be himself around someone who understands what he's been through, and perhaps has been through similar herself.

Having said that, it's also natural that he'd feel annoyed at his approach to relationships being linked to his trauma. He's not actually doing anything wrong or weird. It's fine to just be into casual relationships. It doesn't sound like he's desperate to find "the one", so he's not actually doing anything that requires deeper analysis. Let him be!

My DB got married for the first time age 53 to first long term girlfriend. It can happen.

I'm sure he wants a family in the same way my 3 year old wants a cat.

He tells them that he is not that into them and won’t be committing to a relationship but then proceeds to spend time with them, go on holidays with them, dinner etc, doesn’t see other women while he is with them- so they always think it’s a relationship. Even though he will always say it isn’t. I occasionally meet them and he introduces them as a friend-

So my sister met her partner just before the pandemic, she had recently divorced her husband of 20 years and had two sons in their late teens
He had two daughters from two mothers ,both daughters were in their 20,s with about 6 years between ,
His relationship with both mothers lasted 2/3 years so not long term
He remained an involved father to both daughters, and was on amicable terms with their mothers
I think he was 54 when he met my sister
They seem very happy together and committed .

I think what you say is true in many ways.

he says he is unhappy and wants a relationship, especially as he wants a family

Of course it's possible. I have a friend who has a met a guy and he has always been single, no kids etc. He apparently never met the right person to marry, but they have been together a few years now and are currently planning to move in together. They're too late to have children together of course, but she has an adult daughter from a previous marriage.