To ask, what people’s expectations are for how often a father has the child?

[NeedingASafeSpace]

I posted a thread about a personal issue and was asked if my DC father was a good dad. I said he was and also stated he sees DC every other weekend. A poster made out as if this was “typical” behaviour as in “another ‘good dad’ who only sees DC EOW” but what do other people expect? I wouldn’t want to do 50/50 with ex because I believe a child should have main roots with their mother and see father as much as possible. That’s how my set up is anyway. My DC is with me majority of the time and with her DD EOW. Is this not normal?

It's basically 4 days a month, it's not a lot, is it really?

It’s not normal where I’m from. 50/50 is the norm here. I think a child should have equal access to both parents as long as neither are unsafe.

I think it's normal

I have never been asked for 50/50 but even if that was the case I know my child wouldn’t want that. Where are you from? Nothing has ever gone through courts and I believe her DD to be fine with that. Me and her DD get on. It hasn’t ever really been an issue or anything for me to question. Until now.

I would expect 50/50 if we split up. We have a teenager left at home. Every other weekend isn't a lot.

I don’t know anyone who only takes care of their child(ren) 4 days month. I struggle to understand how any parent would be ok with that.

I know one dad who does every other day so 50/50 and another who does Thursday-Sunday (collects from school on Thursday afternoon) so again, 50/50.

(edited to say month not week)

When I think about it you’re completely right.
He knows he can FaceTime, call or drop by whenever he feels like it. He has a new girlfriend so I think that makes it harder now.

Dh and I are happily married, so this is coming from a hypothetical place, but Dh is a great dad. There is no way he’d be happy to see them only EOW. Would you be happy with that?

I think what’s best for the children is different in every situation. Dh and I would absolutely want 50/50. I think that probably would be best for them, though practically, I don’t know how it would actually work. Thinking of the divorced couples I know amongst dc’s friends, the one genuinely good dad does do 50/50. Frankly, he should probably do more than that as the mum mostly pawns the kids off on her parents or leaves them home alone to go party on her weeks. 🙄

My own dad was absolutely useless. He only turned up for the big days for the photo ops and to take the credit. My parents divorced when I was 10 and I never did an overnight ever. He’d come every month or two and take me to lunch or something and then disappear again. This was probably the best possible scenario for me. I absolutely would not have wanted to see him more than that.

I wouldn’t want to do 50/50 with ex because I believe a child should have main roots with their mother and see father as much as possible.

If the child has a strong bond with their father, this would be completely unfair.

Why should the mother automatically be the default?

I do 50/50 with my DDs dad as it's important she sees both of us. She sees both our houses as her home. I think any parent that chooses to see their children for only 1 day a week can't be classed as 'good'

It’s normal yes but I wanted 50/50 and people tell me THATS weird and “dont you want to see your kids every day” no not really 😆

We had this conversation before we had kids.

We equally chose to have DC and parent equally so there would be no alternative other than 50:50

DC deserve and need both parents equally.

Should add I ended up with them 100% of the time but my ideal would have been 50/50 if I could have chosen

Ask the courts that? This is my belief the comment does not need attacking

So your ex sees your dc for 52 days a year. Do you seriously think that is being a good dad?

I would once have said that absolutely 50-50 should be the default. However, having now seen it several times in real life, I am yet to see it not end up with the child(ren) feeling like they don't live anywhere. Not many adults would want to split their time equally between two homes. So now I'm less sure what I think the correct answer is.

What works for lots of kids is every other weekend plus one night in the week, say a Tuesday or a Wednesday. And blocks of time in the school holidays

I would flip that around. Why would you think one of the two parents should only parent a little over 10% of the time? It might be ‘normal’ as in lots of men do it, but that just makes every single one of them a shit parent.

ExDH and I have done 50/50 for 10 years now, and it’s worked well for us because we always put her first. DD is 13.

He suffers terribly with MH issues and we have mutually agreed that he needs to move away for his own wellbeing. He was hugely reluctant, but has accepted that to be a good dad he needs to look after himself. When he sells his house the 50/50 will stop due to distance from school, but he’ll still see her weekly because he will make the trip here. Weekends will be shared equally, as will hols - but not necessarily one on, one off because DD has commitments on the weekend.

Also speaking hypothetically, I selfishly wouldn't want to do 50/50 as I hate the thought of it but my DH would absolutely want 50/50 and I would ofc agree because it's the right thing to do for him & DC. Our kids are can't cope if DH works a long day and keep asking when he'll be home. Seeing him twice a month would break their hearts and really affect them. I think your agreement works for you and is probably convenient for your DD father but if you're all happy that's the main thing.

I thought the same.
though I can defend that he is a fantastic father (takes her out, provides devoted time to soly her when they’re together, etc) he does not offer… ever…. To provide support during the holidays and most certainly leaves it to me to sort out.

While there may be risks to 50/50 in terms of what @MoreDangerousThanAWomanScorned said, I think there is a much greater risk if a father only sees his kids 4 days a month. He will quickly become a "Superdad" doing all the fun and exciting things with the children and very little parenting. Not to mention the advantage of him being able to maintain normal life such as full time work, dating, not being the parent to look after the kids when they are sick etc. etc. Which, while is not exactly detrimental to the kids per se, doesn't make for a fair division of labour.

As to your ex having a new girlfriend, I am currently dating a guy who has his child every week Thursday to Sunday. It's never been an issue because neither of us lets it to be. There are days when he is a dad and there are days when he is my boyfriend. And I wouldn't have it any other way.

What do you believe to be fair? These comments are really the opening I have never thought of this before. Honestly

Ok firstly no-one 'attacked' your comment. You do know how chat forums work, yes?

Secondly, why would I need to 'ask the courts'?

I'm asking you why YOU think that would be fair?

EOW is common but not great for the father-child relationship. I know that someone will say that they only saw their dad over school holidays or every few months because they were with the army or something but in an ideal world, children would have 50/50 so both parents did the actual parenting and they had 2 families rather than the more common feeling where they are a family with the mum but visit dad.

Your assumptions about what is best assume that mum isn’t in a job that involves overnight travel or working at night. Sometimes I think that dad is the best candidate for majority parent.

If, like many dads, your ex didn’t do 50% of the parenting pre-divorce then I understand why you’d think that he shouldn’t automatically get 50% post divorce but there’s lots of variables like how old the kids are and if dad changed his work hours post divorce to fit in with the kids that could change my mind.