To ask, what people’s expectations are for how often a father has the child?

[NeedingASafeSpace]

I posted a thread about a personal issue and was asked if my DC father was a good dad. I said he was and also stated he sees DC every other weekend. A poster made out as if this was “typical” behaviour as in “another ‘good dad’ who only sees DC EOW” but what do other people expect? I wouldn’t want to do 50/50 with ex because I believe a child should have main roots with their mother and see father as much as possible. That’s how my set up is anyway. My DC is with me majority of the time and with her DD EOW. Is this not normal?

A lot of men pay significantly more than £10 per week

I know... it was partially in jest.
Even significantly more doesn't make up for the whole life he misses out on with a child and the mental load of a residential parent

But I don’t think anyone has found the perfect solution?

As it’s been discussed above, not all parents (or children) want 50/50, so the only other option is going to be one parent having more time than the other, and then arranging their lives to fit, with the other parent paying maintenance.

What other solution are people proposing?

None of them pay enough to get all the picks ups drop offs etc done for them

No he doesn't.

He pays maintenance to reimbursement mum for half of what she has already spent on the children (In theory, it's usually much less then half the actual cost of keeping the child). She still has to cover her own expenses, plus her half (or more) of the childrens, so has just as much need to work.

CMS is between 12-19% of the non resident parents wage, depending on the number of children, and that if your lucky and the dad doesn't go self-employed to avoid paying. For many its £7/week. There no way the mother and children can live solely off that.

I’d like to think if I ever split with DH, it would be 50/50. My son would want it that way. I’d hate it and it won’t ever happen (I hope!) but surely that’s fair? EOW is quite common but actually bonkers IMO but also dependent on how the child feels I guess?

Just to add - while I agree that 4 days a month (or less, in my ex’s case) does not constitute good parenting, neither is it the case that having 50:50 or close to automatically means the guy is a good parent. Wanting time with your kids is a necessary, but by no means sufficient, condition of being a decent parent. Plenty of men out there wanting or even fighting for time with their kids to punish their ex, reduce child maintenance payments and/or keep up appearances (while delegating childcare to others, e.g. their parents).

Every single situation is different... in my DHs case it is 50/50 and both parents are involved in every day life (school, medical, activities, social life etc).

A friend of mine does 3 weekends a month (Thursday till Monday) so 12ish nights a month with the Dad. It works for them as she generally works weekends then.

Some other people leave all the important elements of parenting to the resident parent and think the pittance (which CMS is) that they pay toward their kids upkeep means they are the world's best dad.

Loads of other examples on this thread but every single family will be different.

And some men think the paltry amount of maintenance is good evidence he supports the children.

My ex told me, seemingly genuinely, that he had been paying maintenance directly to the CMS. Turns out he’d merely set up a direct debit for the minimum amount which is £0 because he barely works. Of course, telling people he “pays the CMS amount” sounds fine, because he’s not actually stating he’s paying nothing.

Some men genuinely kid themselves that they do enough, because they mostly associate the kids with the mum. Also misogyny.

I just ran the calculator as if my DH & I seperated, 2 kids and I had them 6 days a week him 1..... apparently I'd be entitled to £3.80 a week 😂😂 That's less than £100 each a year.

But some people think that apparently covers the other parents share of kids upbringing for half the week 🙄

So doesn’t your dh work?

is he a sahd?

last time I looked cms was 20% of salary. So £100 a year is a salary of £2000 annually.

he doesn’t financially contribute to the family now, so why would you expect different if you split?

if he’s a sahd why would you have the kids 6 days?

unless I’ve missed something, you have a marriage where he doesn’t work and you are still primary parent.

why would you expect any different if you split? Divorce won’t turn a crap dad into a good one.

My DH doesn't work.. he is not a SAHD, he contributes to the household. I wouldn't have the kids 6 days a week... I've actually already said he has an older son who is 50/50 and I've described how my husband is involved in absolutely everything to do with parenting (school, activities, social life, buys uniforms, packs lunches, does dental and medical appointments etc). If we were ever to split, he would have 50/50 of our kids too.

I ran the calculator on that basis because some people were suggesting that CMS payments were there to cover the residential parent doing loads of extra work. But in reality it doesn't pay anywhere near enough to cover absolutely everything.

I've no idea why the calculator gave me that figure. Presumably because my DH already has a child (so subsequent kids would get less) and that my wages are significantly higher? I dont know... I was just checking it to show how little some people would be entitled to.

he doesn’t work and is not a sahd.

what is his contribution to the household then?

the calculator is pointless for your situation. If your dh doesn’t work then you’ll get 20% of nothing. Regardless of how much or little he has the children.

🙄 It was obviously a typo.. he does work.

Now can you F off and read the actual thread... your comments are glaringly incompetent

To be fair I’m not sure it was obvious it was a typo, a typo is usually a misspelling not entirely the wrong word. I don’t think you can get huffy because someone was responding the words you actually wrote.

In the context of the entire thread, and the other responses to the posters (stupid) questions... it shoild have been obvious. But it's clear that poster didn't bother reading the threads and just decided to berate my husband and ask personal questions.

When was the last time you looked? I'm not sure it's ever been as high as 20%, it's currently 12% for 1 child, 16% for 2 and 19% if there's 3 or more children.

As BudgetBuster says, that's what he pays, not what the mother receives. If he had 2 children to two mothers, he'd still pay 16% and each child would only get 8%. If he then moves in with a woman with kids, it will be reduced further as he can claim he supporting his "step kids".

So, worked example.
Woman A marries what seems to be a nice man with average wage (say £35k) and has child. She the finds out nice man is having an affair and the OW (woman B) is pregnant. Woman B leaves him when she finds out she was the OW, then 6 months later he moves in with Woman C and her 3 kids.

First the 35k is reduced by 16%, for the step kids, leaving £29400. He pays 16% of that in CMS (£4704), which is split between women A & B, so each get £2352/year or £45/week.

That doesn't even cover half the kids food, let alone be considered payment in lieu of all the additional work, and lost earning potential the mother puts into raising the child.

My ex moved to the other end of the country from his kids after we separated and sees his kids every 2nd or 3rd weekend. Not always overnight either. And hes absolutely not interested in taking them during school holidays either 🙄 that would be too much work of course.

according to him, the kids base is with me and this is what’s best for their stability 🤯

despite all this he likes to slag off my parenting from 350 miles away. He can’t stand that I’m still managing to have a life post divorce. It’s alright for him to have all the freedom of course but I’m supposed to be home for the kids every minute of the day/weekends when hes not visiting (not parenting….. visiting!)

when we were together I wouldn’t have said he would be so spectacularly shit if we separated. I genuinely thought the public perception of his parenting would make him do more than this. I thought he’d find a new gf and play Disney dad or get her to do all the work. I didnt envisage him starting a long distance relationship with an ex and pissing off entirely

Forgot to add, if he has the kid 2 nights EOW (52 nights a year) that £45 is reduced by 14.29%, so becomes £38.50. And if he moved 3 hours away to be with Woman C, he can apply for a variation to deduct the cost of the full he uses to collect the child for contact.

This was far from an obvious typo. It really did look like you were stating your DH doesn't work and isn't a SAHD. Your aggression towards that poster is uncalled for.

K babes

My partner sees his daughter only every other wkd, after the courts changed it from a private arrangement of every wkd. Its 4 days a month, he is left out of everything decision wise and he has had to have counselling to cope as it affects him on a daily basis not seeing his child. I dont see why mums should get the majority of time when the dad is also available and wants to be involved.

My ex has DD Sunday morning to Tuesday evening every week.

Why did this go to court though... something obviously happened for it to be altered

Yes mum wanted more quality time apparently and my partner tried to compromise but ultimately they couldn't agree as he didnt want to lose the little time he had. Court sided with mum