To ask, what people’s expectations are for how often a father has the child?

[NeedingASafeSpace]

I posted a thread about a personal issue and was asked if my DC father was a good dad. I said he was and also stated he sees DC every other weekend. A poster made out as if this was “typical” behaviour as in “another ‘good dad’ who only sees DC EOW” but what do other people expect? I wouldn’t want to do 50/50 with ex because I believe a child should have main roots with their mother and see father as much as possible. That’s how my set up is anyway. My DC is with me majority of the time and with her DD EOW. Is this not normal?

She goes away on holidays, he doesn’t miss parents evenings, pays his way monthly. I think I’ve been tricked by society to believe the Disney dads are great. What else would be classed as a good dad? Genuinely asking

My child is hit and miss they tell me they don’t want to go to their dads when it is time to go sometimes. Sometimes they cry if they go directly from me and say the don’t want to. Other times they’re fine (usually when persuaded with fun or treats). They always decline when I say their dad is calling or if they want to send him a photo.

I mean 4 days a month certainly isn't amazing is it? But there is more to it than that. I have a number of friends who are separated and 50:50 tends to only work best for the kids where both parties are amicable with each other and there are no power struggles etc. The children should see both homes as equal and be able to move their belongings freely where they want to. When they can't it just adds another level of anxiety to their lives.

There is the consideration of where your ex lives in proximity to school and his work situation as to whether any mid week nights would be doable as this would be the most logical addition to increase contact. As well as the school holidays- the fact that he hasn't offered to have her more when she is off school speaks volumes.

You sound like an amazing mum and great that you put on a united front to your DD about her dad. If the set up works for her and for you then there's no need to change it- I just wouldn't consider any parent amazing if they only looked after their child 4 days a month (ill health/military etc excluding).

My husband said that before he left. My eldest has a different dad & he was very vocal about the lack of time he spent with her and said he could never imagine that. As it is, he’s never had them overnight since he left and has them on average 6 hours a week 🤷🏻‍♀️

I think you’re right about it being individual to each child. Mine absolutely wouldn’t want to be back and forth & when I was a child I wanted a permanent base too and wouldn’t have wanted to be one house one day and one the next but for some I agree that’s absolutely what they want. Children should be the ones that are listened to in these situations, as much as is possble
anyway!

4 days a month sounds terrible but in reality they’re at school all week, so in terms of spending quality time with her, it’s probably not much less than you have. He could have her more in the holidays I guess?

The holiday is in the realms of Disney Dad.

The parents evening is standard stuff.

A good Dad would spend more than 4 days a MONTH with their child, would take an interest in their child, their hobbies, their friends etc as well as ensuring that she has childcare arranged over holidays etc

Should know the answers to the questions I mentioned above. Should be at LEAST checking if she has a dentist appointment with you, to should he make it?

So does he know;

Where her dentist is?
Who her GP is?
Her best friends name and the group she spends most of her playtime/break with?
Her teachers/form tutor name?
What the next party is she's going to?
What time, and where she goes to X activity/club, and when it is returning after the Easter holidays.
Does he know when she's due back at school? What days she has PE
Does she need new school shoes and has he made plans to get her measurements?

Etc
Etc

I wouldn’t be happy only seeing my child 4 days a month. Parenting is being involved in day to day school, a tivtirs, homework etc. I would hate to be excluded from that and having a full parenting roll. Both parents should have an active role.

Why should a mother take priority after breastfeeding stage?

50:50 and I’d think a man who did any less is a loser

This shows she doesn't have a great relationship with him, probs because she rarely sees him. My ex would be devastated if DD declined his call and I would be if she declined mine. I by no way think my ex is a perfect dad but my DD does

Could her dad name her best friends, favourite foods, toys, TV shows, teddy's etc. Does he know what her interests are?

I don’t think you can judge a good dad (or mum) on the number of days they look after their DC. There are a range of reasons why 50/50 might not be in the DC’s best interest and some 50/50 dads do FA with their kids and just don’t want to have to pay CM.

A good dad is always interested in what’s happening in their DC’s lives. They stay in touch when DC is with their mum. They remember what is going on and they adjust their plans for their DC’s benefit. They want to look after them, even if it’s not what’s best for the DC and only hold off because it’s not what’s best. And they do their share of the grunt work, schlepping them to clubs and friends’ houses, doing homework, enforcing bedtime, etc.

They stay on as good terms as possible with their ex so that things are as stable as possible. And they make sure there is space for DC in their home and life.

I would stop telling your DC their father is amazing. I wouldn’t slate him either, but DC need to be able to make up their own mind and not feel gaslit by you if their opinion is different from yours.

My exh only has DS (1/) two days in 14.

Dd is 17 so goes when she wants but it’s usually about 4 days every other week (so 4/14).

Our original agreement when we split up several years ago was that exh would do 5/14 but he very quickly dropped Sunday nights because he couldn’t cope
with Sundays so would always be upsetting the kids. Then we ended up with no night in the week for DS when he hit secondary school because it was too difficult with belongings going back and forth.

DD has done a few different arrangements over the years, including 50:50 for a time, but exh doesn’t really take care of anyone emotionally so it didn’t really work.

Usually she will have been the main parent up until the divorce. Often she’ll have divorced the father because he took so little interest in parenting.

Often she will be the parent who does a better job of looking after the child.

Those things aren’t universally the case but they often are true, and when they are, they are a good reason.

IMO fathers should be seeing their kids at least 3 days a week. EOW is ridiculously low.

My exh did want 50:50 and at one point was saying he wouldn’t agree the financial settlement (so that we could get out of living in the same house, which was a nightmare) until I’d agreed to it.

One of the reasons I wouldn’t agree to it was that I knew he wouldn’t actually do it. He only wanted it on paper. And so it happened - he very quickly resiled from having Sunday nights after we agreed the 5/14 v 9/14 split. Because it was like work, having to go straight into the working week after a weekend with the kids 🙄

The other reason is I knew he wasn’t a good father - not so awful he shouldn’t have any time: a relationship with his kids, but not good enough to support their emotional
wellbeing 50% of the time.

The bar is so so low for Dads. I’d be so disappointed if my DH was happy with parenting 4 days a month if we ever split up. There is a middle ground between EOW and 50/50, if you have good communication it may be EOW + after school pick ups, some drop offs, spontaneous nights at Dads etc.

Why is sorting childcare for the holidays only your job OP? What a loser your ex is!

I also think what you suggest is ideal. One main home where they spend the vast majority of overnights, but seeing the other parent multiple times a week.

This is the arrangement I have with my DC’s Dad, and it means that they spend meaningful time with him every week, which they love doing. My DC’s and their Dad have a great relationship as a result.

The only reason we don’t do 50/50 is that he lives just about too far away to be fully involved in our slightly complex school runs, though he does school run pickups once or twice a week.

I’d find it unacceptable to see my DC for just 4 days a month, i.e. every other weekend.

My kids are with their dad for 24 hours a week (1 overnight) during term-time only. He hardly ever does holidays, that’s all on me. Honestly, I think it’s shit. There’s a reason I’m not with him. But equally, I don’t believe the kids would benefit from more time with him. They love him, are happy to see him, but so happy to come back to me, their home, their base. And I would hate to see them any less, really, though some help in the holidays would be great.

So no, I don’t think 4 days a month is being a good dad, but the quality of so many men’s parenting is so poor that more time with dad isn’t necessarily a reflection that he’s a good dad either - some men fight to have more time with kids for the wrong reasons.

..

🤔 But then you can want the child to have equal access all they like to the other parent(non resident one I mean) but if they don’t want to do it 🤷🏻‍♀️

Your attitude is really poor. A child has a right to have an equally good relationship with both parents (assuming both are capable).

He is not a good dad, if he was he would have at least attempted to get 50/50 custody.

He’s a shit dad and you’re not a great mum either.

Agreed I have many issues myself with my exp. But how do you enforce some of it you can’t 🤷🏻‍♀️ just to keep telling them what they ‘should’ be doing. For example he has never once if even listened to child read their school book, and written it in the book the parent is supposed to. Yes he knows about it, he just obviously doesn’t care, and like many other things thinks I will cover the cracks. Told school the situation from the start. Because I refuse to try to play catch up when DC is at home.

It’s quite interesting that on your post many
said EOW is not right. Yet on a post I made, okay other parts to it, and my exP has DC 3 weekends a month, they said it was too much/too little. But 50/50 is not possible and the way he is, would complicate things even more. He wouldn’t do any more than he does already so I would have to deal with that any where, where he lacks. Also the biggest point being he doesn’t want 50/50.

What a horrible contribution. Why is she not a great mum? We know virtually nothing about her.

Very few parents living together share the responsibility of raising children 50/50, so likelihood is it won’t change when parents separate. Perhaps he hasn’t asked for 50/50 because he knows his child is happy and settled in her home. Kids shouldn’t be dragged from pillar to post to make adults feel better. In my opinion - that’s shit parenting.

Only a shit dad would go along with every other weekend.