To ask, what people’s expectations are for how often a father has the child?

[NeedingASafeSpace]

I posted a thread about a personal issue and was asked if my DC father was a good dad. I said he was and also stated he sees DC every other weekend. A poster made out as if this was “typical” behaviour as in “another ‘good dad’ who only sees DC EOW” but what do other people expect? I wouldn’t want to do 50/50 with ex because I believe a child should have main roots with their mother and see father as much as possible. That’s how my set up is anyway. My DC is with me majority of the time and with her DD EOW. Is this not normal?

This.

My bf has 50-50 and sees his children every day. I laughed a bit when a friend's boyfriend said he saw his kids 'every single Saturday, without fail'. My bf had his children later and things have just changed a lot in the last few decades. Mothers and fathers are both active parents now in the way they weren't as much a generation ago.

My son and ex DIL do 50/50. The kids are perfectly happy having 2 homes and spending time with both. If they want to facetime mom when with dad they do so, and vice versa. If they forget something that they need for school (a regular occurrence!) the parent who had them at the time drives it over to the other house.
Is it as good as a nuclear family living happily together? Of course not, but it's perfectly doable if both parents behave like adults and put the children first.

The bar is so low for men, isn't it? It's subterranean, yet so many seem to still trip over it. How is someone a good father when they see their children so seldom?

We do 50/50. Any father who wants less than that is obviously a shit one.

Your ex sees them 48 days a year or 13%. Woefully inadequate and sad for the child

This. We have to do 50/50 because doing the majority of parenting simply wouldn’t work with my job.

I would expect 50-50. I wouldn’t want to be taking care of children the majority of the time while their dad is off living the life of a single childless man for 12 days in every fortnight. No chance! If lives are going to be changed with child rearing then we’ll share the load equally.

If you went to court would the starting point not be 50/50 and equally split school holidays?

I'm not sure how you equate not wanting/offering/accepting half of school holidays with a fantastic father.

But you need to do what is best for your DD. Would she like to spend more time with her father? Would an extra night mid week be of benefit to her, particularly with a new baby sibling to bond with? Does she get time alone with him still?

If you approached XH asking him which which 4 of the 8 week summer holidays worked best for him to have DD, how would he respond?

Dors he attend parents evenings, school plays, take her to extra curriculars? Does he do his share of sick days? Take her on holidays?

When she is an adult will she reflect she had a strong relationship with her dad, that he was interested and invested in her, cheering her on, or just someone who is more and more of an inconvenience to see at weekends as she starts having more of her own life.

I think a lot of women are happy with eow because it means they can claim more child support and they can work part time because ‘ I need to look after my kids’.

Is your DD happy? If so then you have a stable set up. You mentioned asking what the courts would say, but even the courts look at a number of variables and negotiables. One size does not fit all. My ex has my son every Friday night overnight and takes him for tea one evening every week. He FaceTimes my son regularly inbetween. This is more frequency than EOW but amounts to the same number of overnights. I can see some PP are suggesting that this isn’t enough and I get that but I can 100% tell you that this works for us in terms of our working hours and set up and my son is very balanced and very happy and has a great relationship with us both. I wouldn’t personally want my son to be gone 50% of the time and so we are all happy with the arrangement. Every situation is different.

Right and if he was a woman, would you call her a fantastic mother for this level of 'parenting'?

A lot of women also insist on eow as they want weekends with their child. I personally think 4/3 day split works better as one parent can then sort hobbies and regular weekend activities while the other does weekdays.

going to dads in the week is often tricky as he needs to live close enough for school, needs to have a house suitable for them to sleep in, which is not common after a split as often there’s not enough equity to purchase a second home for dad.

then you also have the issue if dad does adjust his working hours to have the kids more he’ll earn less, which means less maintenance.

most families cannot split one lifestyle into two equivalent ones.

50/50 has been shown to be crap for kids- its selfish parents refusing to do what's best for kids and giving them a base.

I do agree with the idea of having a main home, but two visits a month is a pretty poor show. My ideal would be EOW (school pick up fri-sun night), tea one night after school and half school holidays. However been a good patent is about more then time. I'd also expect both parent to attend school plays, sport/music events, parents evenings, cover sick days and be involved with homework, extracericulas and any medical appointments.

My kids dad currently sees them once a week, alternating between a full weekend day, and after school the next week. I consider him to be a moderately shit dad.

I’m firmly in the camp of children having a base with one of the parents so that they are settled and have a consistent routine, however, that’s really not much coming from him.

This isn’t a question with a simple answer. I don’t think many good, engaged dads would be happy just seeing their kids EOW. But then, a lot of relationships end BECAUSE the dads aren’t engaged - they’ve either had enough of family life and left themselves or the mum has ended the relationship because they’re sick of enabling a man child. There are exceptions of course.

A lot of people assume there is always a “custody battle” and it’s the mum insisting on having the kids more but there are also lots of mums who would love their kids to have decent dads and spend more time with them. Many women want a break, opportunities to work more and advance their careers. I don’t think it’s appreciated enough how much single parents (mostly mothers) have to turn down work opportunities because of their situation. I cannot do anything out of the house during the week that requires a late night or early morning other than on a Monday. I have advanced in my career since we split but it is more difficult.

I’ve also come across situations with friends where their ex has hardly been involved until the kids are much older, out of nappies, teenagers even, then suddenly dad wants 50/50 or to see them more. The kids are not interested though because that’s not what they’ve grown up with.

My exh and I split 5 years ago, if he had said from the start he wanted the kids 50/50 and was willing to be a good, involved dad then I would have welcomed this. As it is it took over 2 years before he would have them EOW and every Monday night, so 4 nights a fortnight, with a bit more time in the holidays. There are many other reasons why (happy to elaborate if anyone wants details) but I now would fight it in court if he decided he wanted 50/50. I don’t think he’s a great dad, but it would be possible for him to be a better one and still maintain the current arrangement. He isn’t interested in increasing his time with them though.

We do 50/50 and the kids are given the choice if they want to stay more or less on holidays. Our children also decide where to stay on weekends so may decide to stay with me, their dad or their grandparents. They have their space and rooms in all the houses and we are much much driven by what the want to do. This also includes birthdays and Christmas. It’s not ideal because they have to take some stuff from place to place but they don’t want to do a week on/ off as they wouldn’t see me or their dad for a week at time. It’s hard and anyone who has children does not expect to only see them 50% of the time ( or less in some cases) we all live very close to each other so this is made easier. My exh wouldn’t dream of only seeing the children oew and the kids would be devastated to only see him that infrequently

Can’t speak for all woman but I work full time to keep my family above float

Username checks out 😂

I think 50/50 is a horrible arrangement. My parents had that arrangement and neither me or my sibling ever felt properly settled. I don’t know anyone with 50/50 and know plenty of excellent involved fathers who have with children EOW and a day / night in the week. They’re still at parents evenings, they take them away, they’re at the football games etc etc. The children are happy and stable and have a good relationship with both parents

Another "fantastic father" who sees them for 4 days a month and Disney Dads the kids... Doesn't do anything more than the bare minimum...

I'll bet this "fantastic" father doesn't know her GP, doesn't know her best friends name, doesn't know what parties she's been invited too and where they are and how she's getting there, I'll bet he doesn't take her to and from clubs, Id wager he doesn't even know her teachers name, when her next dentist appointment is roughly die, what show size she is etc

I always tell my DC their dad is amazing. Do you think I should continue or not feed it into her that 4 days a month is amazin?

What is it about him that makes hima fantastic dad in your mind?

Disney Dadding does not a good father make.

Tell me, apart from the few hours he "devotes solely" to her a month...

I'll wait.

You tell her nothing negative about him. That's all.

In my line of work, a fair amount of women have to share their child for contact with unsafe ex partners, sadly. They would love to have contact as little as every second weekend between their child and dad.

What at times seems to be court awarded in the family courts is every other weekend but also a week day overnight, generally on a Wednesday. Or, if not a weekday overnight, then a pick up from school on a day of the week where dad at least has them for the evening, and has them for dinner etc. Holidays are shared 50/50 generally.

Just sharing incase it’s helpful. Does your child not miss their dad? Every family is different so you should do what works for yours.

If my husband and I split up I think I would also want to be the majority parent. But even saying that out loud - I know my husband would want 50/50. X