To ask, what people’s expectations are for how often a father has the child?

[NeedingASafeSpace]

I posted a thread about a personal issue and was asked if my DC father was a good dad. I said he was and also stated he sees DC every other weekend. A poster made out as if this was “typical” behaviour as in “another ‘good dad’ who only sees DC EOW” but what do other people expect? I wouldn’t want to do 50/50 with ex because I believe a child should have main roots with their mother and see father as much as possible. That’s how my set up is anyway. My DC is with me majority of the time and with her DD EOW. Is this not normal?

I think 12 days is a long time to go without seeing child so if parents live close to each other then dad should do a school pick up /drop off to club or teatime in the week even if not a sleepover

if you mothered the same way he fathered, would you consider yourself a fantastic mother?
so once a week you take her out and have a wonderful time; and then you leave the other 6 days to someone else to do.
I don’t think he sounds like a good father at all; I think you just have ingrained misogyny, sorry, and have much lower standards/expectations for men than you do for women.

We do 50:50 and have done since xh left 9 years ago.

I think it's been bad for them. As a pp said, they kind of have no "home", they have mum's house and dad's house. It's not teaching them a great lesson about being settled in one place.

Their stuff is constantly moving around in bags (school bags, PE kit, shoes, reading book etc), and they can't get into a craft project or instrument on a daily basis. I hate it for them and feel sad that's their life.

Honestly, I've been glad of the free time. But what would've been best for them would have been a settled home with one of us, and to stay with the other parent EOW but see them very regularly, eg after school for tea a few times a week.

Dc need a base imo, a bedroom, a home.

You may well be absolutely correct here. This is breaking my heart realising this. I believed my DC to have a brilliant stable set up with this routine.. now I am beginning to wonder.

I'd say it's very common but EOW is not really parenting in a meaningful way.

I absolutely agree and this is why I believe it to be healthy for my child…

I agree about the logistics of stuff, we have found that to be a bit of a ballache, albeit not insurmountable.

But my DD unequivocally has 2 homes. She refers to both houses as home, and ExDH and I also refer to each other’s houses as “home” in the context of DD

DC DD has a new baby and I am now worrying even more they will be pushed out. Is my mind running away with possibilities?

Ideally 50/50 or as close to as practical

my DD sees her dad every Sunday. That’s the same amount of time as yours (ie 4 days a month) For what it’s worth everyone and I mean everyone (even his own family) think he’s a shit dad. He never asks for more time even in school holidays.

But your child's dad isn't even interested in seeing her extra during her school holidays, so even if you didn't think it was best there would be nothing you can do about it.

I do have to disagree with your idea of what a 'fantastic father' is.

What would you class as a fantastic father? A lot of people do the EOW visits so this is what I find to be confusing at parts

But I don’t know why you are blaming yourself here op, you are clearly a fantastic mother and you have the balance that is best for your child. Your only mistake is thinking that he’s a good father, he isn’t, he’s simply pleasant to her when he’s with her, rather like a good uncle maybe, but that’s far removed from being a good parent. That isn’t your fault.

No a good dad doesn’t only see their child EOW. Absolutely not.

4 days a month is nothing. But it probably is pretty common.
My nephew is with his dad 4 days a week.

Having a new girlfriend wouldn't make it harder for a good dad to be there for his kids.

One who is extremely present in the DCs lives and wants to be with them, love them, care for them and support them as much and as often as possible.

Exactly the same as how I'd class a fantastic mother.

The exact same effort as a fantastic mother.

My dog walkers ex lives is my neighbour and they do 50-50. It was an adjustment at first, but they’ve remained friendly and helped each other with the adjustment. Dad has his own place and they share care 50-50. That includes school runs, dance practice, sick days, school holidays. They each take their DC on holiday. He does everything mum does. That’s what i’d call a good dad. He didn’t instigate the split, but he’s remained an active part of his children’s lives and is certainly no ‘disney dad’.

50/50 is the fair way and best for child to have equal time with two loving parents . Gender does not define a good parent. Your ex is only seeing children about 4 nights a month... growing up i saw my grandparents more than that. As a child from a broken home I was encouraged to see my father as much as possible. It was the best thing. Saw him 3 nights one week 4 the next. Where I live now most couples that have split do 50 /50

A good dad is in his child's life completely, even if he isnt living with the child.

He knows his kid's school, routine, likes and dislikes, knows the child's friends, can tell when something is bothering his child, drops everything when his child needs him, goes to parent consultations, knows who his kid's gp and dentist are, can make appointments, can attend appointments, properly financially provides for his child, cooks food for his child, sticks the washing on, goes to the child's events, advocates for his child, doesnt badmouth the child's mother, has clear and firm boundaries for the child, models appropriate behaviour, is able to say sorry to his child if he messes up, is someone his child feels safe with and can open up to, etc etc

All the same stuff that makes a woman a good mum.

A fantastic dad would do 50/50 without heavily relying on a woman (his partner, mum, sister etc) to make it happen. He would love, care and nurture the child like a fantastic mum would.

I have an ex who I’ve done EOW with for over 15 years . My kids are happy but their relationship with their dad is extremely poor. He went from knowing their friends and what they liked and disliked to having no clue about the details of their lives. The kids all came to the same conclusion they contact was about checking a job off a list.

Standards for dads are super low so society has fantastic dad as someone who pays CM without quibbling and seeing the child EOW. Imagine if you did that - how many would say you were a fantastic mum?

I’m still with my DH but like others have said we are equal partners in parenting. E.g. we both do the school runs and the sports clubs etc. If a child is sick or needs taken to the dentist then it could be either one of us taking them. We both cook their meals and supervise homework. I haven’t counted it up but it’s very close to 50% each.

Therefore if we were to split up I know he wouldn’t ever accept only seeing the DC only 4 days a month. He would want to be there for them as much as he is now. If I were to tell him it would be EOW only I’d expect he’d go straight to court for more.

Thats what I class as a good father. That he would want to be there as much as possible doing those everyday parenting tasks.

The only question worth asking is "what is best for the child?" It's not a given that 50/50 is always best. It depends on what 50/50 looks like in reality and who the child is. I believe that equal access is great but when that equal access means the parents have to be separate because they can't stand the sight of each other, 50/50 is not always doable. Some children don't want to be separated from the mother (for example) for long periods of time (or for small children - any time) this means that inevitably the father needs to see the child with mum present (or vice versa) at least until the child builds up enough of a relationship with the other parent. You may think well obviously they have a relationship with me, they lived with me before the separation...... Guess what? Loads of people live with their kids but haven't built up a relationship with them. Sad but true. Too often, adults just pull the child around like a piece of property "it's MY right to have him /her" yes it is. But do it in the best interests of the child. Every parent and child is different.

my partner had his child every Tuesday/ Thursday evening and every week end either friday night and all day Saturday or saturday night and all day sunday. they moved in with us when they were 13 and now are at uni