To ask, what people’s expectations are for how often a father has the child?

[NeedingASafeSpace]

I posted a thread about a personal issue and was asked if my DC father was a good dad. I said he was and also stated he sees DC every other weekend. A poster made out as if this was “typical” behaviour as in “another ‘good dad’ who only sees DC EOW” but what do other people expect? I wouldn’t want to do 50/50 with ex because I believe a child should have main roots with their mother and see father as much as possible. That’s how my set up is anyway. My DC is with me majority of the time and with her DD EOW. Is this not normal?

Similar to this.

My 2 saw dad Wed night from 5pm & he dropped at school Thur. Then Sat from 4pm until Sun 4pm. He took them to rugby training on a Mon night too for a few hours. He'd often head from work & I'd have some food for him too if he wanted. I always felt the DC needed to see us being adults & co-parenting.

This obviously varied as needed. Now they're 21 & 19 & see him when it suits them. Eldest one night a week, youngest 2 or 3 nights.

He's always been a fantastic dad, though.

Even if that’s what the child wanted? What’s more shit - pursuing 50/50 for your own comfort, or allowing your child to live how they feel most comfortable?

I think 50-50 can be good as long as both parents are committed to making it work and do the necessary to make sure it does. And the child or children are happy with it. This is not always the case.

In your particular case OP, I think your ex should be seeing your DC a couple of times during the week after school and also covering half the school holidays. That does not mean just taking them on holidays but having them stay at his home, working out and paying for the child care if he still has to work.

Being a good dad also involves making adequate payment for DC, not the bare minimum of CMS. Does he buy everything they need at his place or do you provide it? Does he offer to contribute to after school activities or any childcare needed so that you can both work full time?

Being a good dad also involves knowing your child. Knowing their friends (and facilitating play dates and parties during his time), knowing what they are doing at school, helping with homework if they get it (rather than leaving it all to you), knowing their medical history, offering to deal with dentist etc rather than leaving it all to you (he could do this during school holidays - same with hair cuts, uniform shopping etc).

You might not think that 50-50 is appropriate but everything I have listed in my last 3 paragraphs should be happening if he is an amazing dad. Otherwise he is barely adequate.

Does your child actually spend overnights with their dad or just see them during the day? Like a lot of grandparents we look after grandchildren one day a week, including school drop off and pick up for the elder. We also have sleepovers monthly, occasional sick days, in-service days, some dr appointments and a few extra days during the holidays. We are nowhere near the minimum contact I would expect from an 'good' parent.

I don’t agree with 50/50 either OP
I wouldn’t want to be shuttled between 2 places every few days so why should I put that on my child.
i was the main parent when they were born and the main parent still. Divorce doesn’t change that.

I don’t think you should otherwise she’ll grow up to understand that expectations of men are low. She’ll then choose a loser thinking that that’s the best men go. You don’t need to slag him off of course, she can work that out herself.

Me and ex do 50:50. He is genuinely a great dad to DS. We are great friends and both have great relationships with each others new spouses and families. We've never argued or refused each other anything with DS. I'd be gutted if he only wanted to see him EOW.

Oh go away.

But on your thread this morning your a SAHM?

This isn't blowing up your safe place.

It's just wondering about the inconsistencies.

No they commented on my other post as well. Some people just love to investigate. People come on here to find a safe space and you get busy bodies like this.

Your space is still safe....

@Bollixtothat lots of mums, married or not, work part time to care for their children? Is that a slight? Or only if they’re single?

To you it may seem that way, for me it now seems like there are lots of dots to connect this to be me.

How is 2 days I n14 as much as possible?

I wouldn't want 50/50 either but I thimk thry need to see their Dad more than a few days a month.

I probably wouldn't. My mum tried very hard to keep my opinion of my dad positive. The thing is.. my dad was an abusive alcoholic but she kept telling me that "he loves you in his own way". All it did was ingrain in me from a young age that violence is an acceptable way to show love. It would save me a lot of trouble in my early dating history if my mum was more open to having honest conversations with me about my father. I know it is an extreme example but I would be cautious about what impression you give to your children.

That's not a fantastic father. That's a father who wants a relationship whilst doing the bare minimum. Sure he loves his kid and likes doing fun stuff, but not too often cos he has his own life too and parenting shouldn't get in the way.

Interesting OP that you haven't answered the points about what makes him such a great dad, specifically answering if he knows the details of his child's life.

He's such an amazing Dad the child often doesn't want to go with him because he's not someone they actually know that well.

Hi, sorry I tried copying and pasting this morning but couldn’t and got side tracked with my children.

(trying from memory)

he does not know what dentist theyre at (I think he might know what GP theyre at only because I mentioned the other day that it is my GP so assuming he put the dots together), he does know their best friends name and their teachers name, too. He doesn’t know when they go back to school other than when I told him. I then also have things I could point out to show hardly any effort, I.e does not FaceTime as often as I would have thought he would (missing his child), doesn’t take time off work to spend 1 on 1 time in holidays (he is self employed but does take time off for what he wants to do) when they go out, he is often at some form of pub (with a play area - most of the time), he has one day a week he can collect them from school but sends his girlfriend to collect.
there is a mixture of things. He can call and ask how their day way here and there and be good at it when he does call (goes into detail) but then it isn’t every day. Where I would call daily for check ins.

Those dots were surely already there if you have posted enough for the pp to query a inconsistency. And none of that in anyway leads someone to find you. Having a lazy ex who sees his kid the bare minimum tells absolutely no one who you are or where you are.

What on earth are you on about. You can’t expect t to start multiple threads with differing and contradictory Information and not expect posters to enquire

OP just because something is common doesn't mean it's good. EOW works often because both parents should get weekend time with kids (hence the contact not being every weekend) but as others have pointed out, its 4 days a month. That's not parenting. My ex has done EOW and increasingly somewhat less for a decade. Our now teen kids dont mind seeing him but they know they are not his priority.

EOW seems to be the norm. How a dad acts towards his children before and after divorce is completely different. In my experience men find it easy to get on with their new lives and not be so involved with their children. Women don’t. My ex said he would fight in court to get custody of the children. Then he walked out of the door and didn’t contact them or me for six weeks. They were heartbroken. After that he had them EOW for 24 hrs. That is two days per month and that is all he wanted. I would have been happy with 50/50 but he chose to live away from their school.

Kids are adults now and he sees them a lot more. They still love and adore him.