To ask, what people’s expectations are for how often a father has the child?

[NeedingASafeSpace]

I posted a thread about a personal issue and was asked if my DC father was a good dad. I said he was and also stated he sees DC every other weekend. A poster made out as if this was “typical” behaviour as in “another ‘good dad’ who only sees DC EOW” but what do other people expect? I wouldn’t want to do 50/50 with ex because I believe a child should have main roots with their mother and see father as much as possible. That’s how my set up is anyway. My DC is with me majority of the time and with her DD EOW. Is this not normal?

OP that is typically the norm around where I'm from too. Everyone I know who shares kids with an ex does every other weekend really. I'm not saying it's great but it is normal.
My partner has his every Wednesday overnight and then every other Fri/sat/sun night. Extras in school hols etc. They previously lived with us for about 8 months but since they went back to their mum's she won't let him have them 50/50 and he doesn't want to drag it through court for the kids sake, which is frustrating but having been through court myself years ago I also understand. So it's not always through choice!

so, what is it about him that made you say he's a fantastic father?
Or are you now just realising he actually isn't one?

Seeing your child 4 days a month is not being a good parent. While I wouldn’t have wanted to not see my children 50% of the time, I would recognise that them having as close a relationship with their dad as with me is in their best interest. 50/50 should be the starting point for all parents. Any parents who isn’t close to that is not a ‘good’ parent imo.

A lot of MEN do EOW and as such, by some, it’s seen as acceptable.

I can guarantee you that if Mums decided they only wanted to parent 4 nights a month… they’d be slammed as neglectful, abusive, terrible mother etc…

My ex DH does EOW (his choice). And he gets to swoop in once a fortnight and have our children without the stress of work or school runs (at the weekend) nor is he frantically worrying about planning meals, clothes, appointments for the following week because once his “Disney Dad” weekend is over he can hand them back and have 12 days to do as he pleases. He’s able to sustain a relationship, hobbies, etc in a way that I couldn’t imagine. As such I’m the stressed, tired and burnt out parent who is much more structured and less fun, so our DCs think he’s amazing.

Its piss poor and I don’t care how common it is, it’s a disgrace that two adults can make a decision to bring lives into this world and one can decide to walk away from their responsibilities.

Perhaps that I am comparing to my ex who did absolutely nothing at all. I suppose I consider the consistency being a good dad? Sounds silly really because it is the bare minimum I suppose! I just feel like if parents agree on EOW for the dad to give the child a main home then what else is he meant to do to become a great dad? I’m not defending this but I am trying to be work it out

Couldn’t agree more. My ex does every weekend, but on the 4th usually, DC goes to my mums because I stupidly agreed to this when we got housing after staying with them, and DC was attached, then thought it was a nice touch, as we are a small family, no other grand kids, and been slammed for it on here that the parents should be bonding with the child lol, but again we’re saying does it have to be every weekend with DF, and that EOW is usually how it is ? Is it lolll, so terrible of me to not cancel that one weekend with grandparents, and keep DC myself, just to tot up the total days I do, and increase the total even more. Whilst ExP’s, stays at 6 a month lol. And holidays when it suits him/has to be forced in to it sometimes like he does to me.

I don’t agree that there should always be week day access too, as this is not always beneficial for the child, and plus people think it is just me throwing in my opinion, or we stop our exes doing more lol, they don’t want to.
They don’t need the main carer to tell them, my ex for example is very capable of putting himself forward when he needs/wants.

Why would the "main roots" need to be with you, and not their father?

My stepson is 50/50 across both households. He cried for years wanting to spend more time at our house with his father, it took my DH years of court and thousands of euro to eventually be awarded 50/50 as his ex had the same view as you (despite the child wanting something else, and she admitted he was constantly asking the same of her... to stay longer at Dads).

My DH doesn't everything a parent should (school, homework, packs lunches, buys clothes and uniform, days out, extra curriculars, trips to the library, makes dinner etc). It would have been horrific for both father and son to only see eachother 4 times a month?

Why is the mothers relationship more important than the fathers?

Completely get it if he was a deadbeat, but surely you'd want no access then?

2 weekends a month is the bare minimum imo.

where I’m from every second Friday (afternoon/ evening) to Sunday evening is still something common.

But additional days / evenings or even 50/50 is becoming more popular.

If the dad is a good dad, I would feel comfortable with 50/50.

My ex is average at best, and he’s often not at his best. I’ve been the default parent since the kids were born and frankly I wouldn’t feel comfortable with him having them more than EOW, which is all he wants.

50/50 sounds ideal on paper but in real life can actually be a bit of a nightmare, especially if the parents don't live that close.

My brother is currently working out an arrangement with his ex for their 4 year old. He is a genuinely amazing dad and wants to go for 50% as it seems the 'fairest' but when they start looking at the logistics it starts to feel really impractical. They live a 30 minute drive apart so a morning school run would be an hour round trip for him as a non resident parent. He would rather be the main parent in all honesty but obviously his ex feels the same and won't allow it. So what's left for the non resident parent in these circumstances? Of course his ex wants her share of the weekends too so it's quickly becoming obvious why every other weekend seems to be so common.

What are the options for the parent who wants to be 'a good dad' and parent equally but the logistics just make the child's life harder? I don't know what the answer is but it's definitely more complicated than more time spent with child = better parent.

For my brother, he will of course attend parents evenings etc, but when it comes to routine stuff like dentist and doctor it will always make more sense for his ex to do it because it's right on her doorstep. I always silently judged EOW dad's but seeing it now from other side I don't think there are any easy answers when parents separate.

Why does he live half an hour drive away @Rosacharmosa?

The area she lives in (and where they used to live together) is too expensive for him to be able to afford even a flat there unfortunately, otherwise he would move in a heartbeat.

Why can she afford it and he can't?
Not trying to be nosey just wondering was there a large difference in earnings or did she keep the house in a divorce or something?

My DH had to make a choice and stuck with crappy jobs with a degree of flexibility so he could be a 50/50 father. For the likes of dental appointments etc it's always just a case of who has the kid that day takes them.

I think you need assess whether your child is happy with the arrangements rather than whether you and your ex are. You say you 'know' she wouldn't want more but do you? My DH has a daughter and actually doesn't have 50/50 because his ex moved away to 2 hours away. We used to see her every weekend sat - Monday, and t - w during the week but it got too much taking her to school for her, she was too tired. She is also a teen now and doesn't want to come here every weekend as she missed her friends. So she sees us every other weekend F - M. They have a close relationship and call and text every day. I do think having an open conversation with your child would be useful, so you don't impose your views (that you think the main relationship should be with the mother) on her. It's never easy co parenting but open communication is always the best way.

My ex lives 1.5 hours away, by choice. I didn’t move. He arguably lives in an area where his rent is higher than it would be to remain closer to his children, but being so far away means he can live his life with his new girlfriend.

Never involved in school runs, parents evenings, doctors appointments etc… that’s all left to me to work out around my work. By day 12 when he collects them I am absolutely shattered.

What do you class as a fantastic father? Children who have their father in the family home are likely to have a different relationship as it's less of a novelty.

Not intended to be goady btw.

Her parents are wealthier and helped her stay there basically!

It's part of what is tricky - DB knows that the area is objectively better for his DS to live in including better schools. His job is very flexible so that's not really the issue, he just can't afford to live there, but is glad that his DS is able to. It just makes being a good, hands on dad that bit trickier for him.

He moves closer? I never understand this argument unless its totally impossible financially. Dads especially seem to be 'unable' to make changes like change of location or job to accommodate child related things but they can do it quick enough when it means some benefit to them like a new relationship. The fundamental heart of it is that many NRPs come to see contact as an interruption to their normal life that gets altered if its inconvenient. The RP builds their life around the child, their school location etc. They change or decline jobs and promotions because it doesn't work for childcare. They change plans if a child related issue comes up. NRPs seem to just shrug and say 'oh no, I can't accommodate that'. Its a fundamentally different mindset.

Not all EOW arrangements are equal

For some it will mean school pick up fri-sunday/Monday, picking up after school on an extra evening or two in between, covering half of school holidays and calling on days they don't see them.

For others it will be taking them for a few hours (when he other parent has already got them fed, ready & packed a bag) then nothing for two weeks.

It's hugely unpopular opinion but a good dad (or mum) would not be inviting another adult to live in the home of their child and certainly not another adult who has their own children. Nor having further children. It's really common, of course, but if people were genuinely making life decisions based on what is best for their children, they wouldn't do that.
Seeing your dad 4 days a month while he lives with your step-sibling or half-sibling 100% (or close to that) of the time is not optimal for a child. I would never have another baby after divorce, knowing that my first child would only ever be with me 'sometimes' and leave to go to their dad's knowing that my new child was with me all the time.

A really good parent would see their child as much as they possibly could, would phone and facetime on days they weren't in person, would take half the holidays off and use all their annual leave on time with their child, and wouldn't invite other people to live with them until their child was an adult.

Why on earth are you telling your DC that their dad is "amazing"?!?! I've never known anyone to talk about an ex like this to their kids!

Be civil, yes. Don't talk bad about them, obviously. But anything other than that, no. Your child will see for themselves. You don't need to try to mask anything for them.

If this is your benchmark for a “fantastic” father than I dread to think what you think a less than fantastic father looks like.

And as for constantly telling your child that her father is amazing - all that’s going to do is mean her benchmark is as low as yours for a father

Well yeah on paper he could just 'move closer' but we all know the cost of housing in this country is just insane, especially for a single person in a particularly nice area. His ex could equally do so but nobody expects her to.

A NRP being willing to accommodate and it being practically possible and optimum for the child are 2 different things. Especially when the child's life and routine are already set.

Are you saying that your Ex only sees your DC for 1 day and no no overnights? So just 4 days per month? I posted earlier that we do EOW with my DH's DC, for agreed reasons, but it is not 4 days a month. Its Friday - Monday. and every holiday, bank holiday weekend. She lives further away (mothers choice) and she's a teen now so wants to stay with us for ,longer and not get up earlier! But if it is truly 4 days a month that is appalling.

You say the ex could equally do so... but why would anyone who CAN afford to (granted with help from her parents) move to a less affluent or less nice area away from where the child has been raised to date? That makes no sense.

What's the issue with your brother spending an hour in the car on a morning? It's not everyday... and its only 30 minutes for the child which realistically isn't a massive amount of time?