To ask, what people’s expectations are for how often a father has the child?

[NeedingASafeSpace]

I posted a thread about a personal issue and was asked if my DC father was a good dad. I said he was and also stated he sees DC every other weekend. A poster made out as if this was “typical” behaviour as in “another ‘good dad’ who only sees DC EOW” but what do other people expect? I wouldn’t want to do 50/50 with ex because I believe a child should have main roots with their mother and see father as much as possible. That’s how my set up is anyway. My DC is with me majority of the time and with her DD EOW. Is this not normal?

This.
A good dad would be 50/50 in my eyes. Whether than is weekly 50/50, more in holiday time and less in term time etc. But 50/50 average.
As long as their are no safety issues, then I see no reason why one parent should gave more contact time that the other - and this I think is a common expection where I am from / my friends etc when people have separated.

That's fair though... she had no weekends. She did the brunt of the parenting and didn't get to enjoy free time with the kids.

Was there a reason he didn't have midweek from the get go?

Strange that if they had an agreement before hand that they couldn't agree something outside of court though.

It wasn't obvious, because CMS is based on a NRP's gross salary so to get that figure he'd either be on benefits or working very very few hours. That coupled with your 'doesn't' means that assuming he doesn't work was a pretty logical conclusion.

More in holidays means mum does the donkey work in term time and then dad gets the bulk of the quality time in the holidays. No situation is perfect when it comes to working out what's best. It really depends on the families.

My friend is a teacher for example. Her ex pursued exactly what you mention. Except he's a plumber and so his early mornings meant he was having to leave the children with his parents overnight all the time so he could leave for work at 5am. Meanwhile, my friend was sat home alone for more than half the holidays, while her children were with their grandparents.

I didn't necessarily mean more in the holidays for the dad. I just meant one does more holiday than term time. Just average 50/50 would be a good parent either mum or dad.

I have a friend who the mum does more holidays because of the work scheduled of both parents. Mum has a term time self employed job but works longer hours in term time. Is basically off the holiday so for them it works better that mum has more holidays and less term time.

Yeah I get what you're saying but in reality very few couples have a totally 50/50 division of childcare, it should follow naturally that it won't remain if the family separates. I don't think it makes someone a bad parent if they can't have 50/50 (or if the child doesn't want that), or necessarily a good parent if they do.

Sharing weekends is pretty normal, as obviously both parent want to be able to take their kids on outing, without having to weight months for the next school holiday.

It seems really strange that the court wouldn't allow him after school or holiday contact though. Did they give a reason for that?

My friend is a teacher for example. Her ex pursued exactly what you mention. Except he's a plumber and so his early mornings meant he was having to leave the children with his parents overnight all the time so he could leave for work at 5am. Meanwhile, my friend was sat home alone for more than half the holidays, while her children were with their grandparents.

I have heard of similar scenarios. A parent ends up with a schedule they really can't accommodate, so the children end up with a grandparent/relative etc.

But some people view 'access' as time for the parent and child to be together, others view it as one parent giving the other a break.

That is not being a fantastic father / parent.
A parent provides a stable and loving home for their child.

A parent provides the basic materials e.g. clothes, school supplies, food, heating.
A parent ensures good health care - identifies illness / issues (e.g. eye sight issues, tooth decay, mental health issues) and seeks care
A parent supports education - teaches kids to tie shoes, to self regulate, supports homework, liaises with school
A parent supports social development - takes kids to clubs, supports their friendships, plays, provides toys and social opportunities

Your ex is a Disney dad. He has a fun time with his kid 4 days per week which is great but when was the last time he booked them a Dr appointment or bought them socks?

Agree and if people want the break, then it’s amazing. In this case she absolutely didn’t want the break and it was pursued by an ex in the interest of ‘being seen to do the right thing’, who’d previously never done a days childcare in his life.

I’m sure there are lots of perfectly happy split families who’ve struck the balance just right for them, but I do think we need to stop with the x contact = good dad, y contact = bad dad, it’s just not as clear cut as that.

If its a 50/50 arrangement then you have to end up with a schedule that means you can work and parent. Contact time isn't rare or occasional so its perfectly reasonable to be at work during some of it. I didn't sit at home when my kiddies were young just to be there..I was working full time and they were in school or childcare. I agree if an NRP is only having 4 days a month contact they need to arrange their work so those days are clear.

50/50 . A few days a month is not parenting , its visiting