AIBU to wonder what work are expecting me to do?

[FriskyHeeler]

I've worked at my current employer for 3 years and recently had a change in circumstances (in February) which means I have no childcare for my 3 children after school for 1-2 days out of the week. They have been understanding and accomodated my needs so far but have asked me to look at what realistic options are available and have called a meeting for next week to discuss, as the situation is not sustainable long term. I'll outline the facts below, please read carefully because it's not as simple a solution as most people seem to think.

• I work 8.30 - 5pm Monday to Friday and it takes me 30 mins to get to and from work.
• My husband works 8 - 4.30 Monday to Friday, his office is an hour away and he works from home on Thursdays and Fridays. Soon to be 3 days a week. He used to work nights, so would drop off and pick up the kids each day, however the strain on family life, our relationship, his mental health was not sustainable and he had numerous breakdowns over a long period of time and he changed jobs. Not ideal but I won't make my husband do a job he hated when it made him want to kill himself every day. He can be quite volatile and in the past this has affected work when he last left for periods of time so I've been left to sort the kids 100% of the time, at times. Work know things are rocky and my line manager thinks I should leave him but this would only make the situation more difficult.
• Our kids are 3, 5 & 9. The 3 & 5 year olds attend the same school/nursery and the 9 year old attends a different school.
• 2 out of the 3 kids have special needs and are settled in their schools. They previously attended the same primary school but had serious issues so we had to move them.
• Both schools have breakfast club, 1 starts at 7.50 and the other at 8.10, this obviously means I am often 10 mins late to work on the days they are in club.
• Neither school has ANY after school provision.
• We unfortunately live in an area where wrap around care isn't in demand, so options are pretty non existent.
• There are no childminders in the area that currently or are willing to pick up from either/both of their schools.
• Their are a couple of local nurseries that do after school club and they collect the kids from school and walk back to their premises. 1 of my kids is a flight risk so I do not feel comfortable with this as an option. He has escaped and ran off from his old school twice before.
• We cannot afford a nanny, prices are between £15 - 20 and hour when I have enquired and tbh, given my kids additional needs, I don't think anyone would last a week with them, they are VERY full on.
• My dad can collect the kids 1 day a week at an absolute push but it's his only day off and if he has plans it's not a given he can do it, I don't expect him to plan his life around MY kids. My dad works the other 4 days a week and my mom doesn't work but has stopped driving for health reasons so cannot pick them up and she is not physically able to walk/get the bus etc and as previously stated, 1 of them is a flight risk and she wouldnt be able to run after him if needed. A taxi for her to pick them up and go back to hers would be far too expensive multiple times a week as she has done this once before in an emergency and it was £30 for one pick up, let alone 2.
• There are no other parents at either of their schools that we know well enough to ask. We have no other friends or family in the area at all, aside from my mom and dad.
• So far, on days where my husband is in the office, I finish work at 14:40, pick up the kids from school and then log on at home for the remainder of the day, sometimes beyond 5pm.
• I am a supervisor and our team is growing and I will be responsible for up to 12 people eventually so work are saying I cannot effectively supervise if I am not in the office. We also have a lot of new team members (one being another supervisor) who are not fully trained so things tend to fall to shit a lot of them time if I am not there.
• Not to toot my own horn but i am the glue that holds the entire team together, and effectively, if I were to leave because I need more long term flexibility, they would be absolutely fucked. My line manager and our department manager knows this all too well, but are still pressuring me to find some magical solution that doesn't exist so I can be there 8.30-5 every single day. They've not said they will get rid of me, and I don't think they would, but they're saying I need to work my hours I am employed to do. I agree with this and have no issues with that, I've often said I will taken leave, take the time unpaid etc and they have always said no.
• I could put in a flexible working request to reduce my hours 1-2 days a week, but it would actually be a waste of time, as they can and would refuse it for a legitimate business reason.

I don't know what to do or what I'm supposed to say during this meeting. If you've thought of something I haven't explored above then please please let me know. I'm obviously going to explain all of the above in detail about what I've looked into and why it's not a viable option and see what they say. I'm also considering telling them I'm looking else where for something more flexible in the hope that they back down, but I don't actually want to leave, I really do enjoy working there and don't want to jump ship and end up being somewhere I don't like, or having to take a pay cut that I can't really afford.

What was the childcare like before the change and issue arose in February ?

All of which they could refuse.

The posters who are saying your challenge isn’t works problem are correct. you need to be constructive

“I have made a request for flexi working / reasonable adjustments as my current family set up is challenging.
I have investigated various solutions including wrap around care, flexibility in my husbands job, and these do not work given my children’s needs.
I believe that there is no loss of supervisory oversight / productivity / whatever if we pursue the following options:
option a - I work five days a week core hours In office M-F 9-3, and relog on 7-9pm from home
option b - I wfh M-Tu, and am in office W-F.
Option c - …

As this is a first LOD or escalation role, I suggest we core clearly document processes and train Dave and Mary to do xyz.

I request this on a trial basis for 6 months /up to start of school in Sept after which we will review together.”

if mgmt insist the role requires full time then ask if they can increase salary / offer or improve program for working parents / improve onsite facilities.

I would NOT use the opportunity to whinge about your line manager giving additional tasks - simply keep it factual about delivering against your core role per job description. Also steer clear from the ‘the world would fall without me’

I was thinking this too. Kindly OP, if you or they cant find a solution, they'll let you go. Someone else will take your place so please dont bank.on them 'needing' you so much they'll give you whatever flexibility is needed.

As so often the first post nails it, and this is the reason there's no point in explaining all the childcare issues to the employer since - quite rightly - they're not their priority

With DCs of 3, 5 and 9, two of them with special needs, I very much doubt much quality work's being done after the leaving time of 14.40, so really the only options seem to be better childcare or a different job

It sounds as if the employers have accommodated as well as they can, but realistically this was never going to be tenable long term

Well yes they could but they could also sack the OP for not being in the office when she should be. It’s either flexible working request and hoping she can dip down or paying for childcare. The current position isn’t sustainable.

Your workplace sounds awful. You can’t eat lunch? You can only take a day off here and there? Honestly, it sounds like you’re willing g to make yourself indispensable, by not setting boundaries with them. You set them with your DH. You are setting them with your finances to the point of costing out extra fuel costs if your DH changes his hours. You’re setting them with your D.C. in terms of their care. But you’re martyring yourself to your employer to the point you think you’re irreplaceable. I’m not surprised you’re in this quandary. The whole things sounds utterly dysfunctional.

Without going into to many details, I think they're trying to formalise things now so that there is structure in place not because they want me to leave and so they can replace me now. They want me to see what options there are realistically, and if they're not, then there needs to be something for formal and regular in place, not, not going week to week not knowing when I'm going to be there. So like they will accommodate what I need but only if they absolutely have no other options
And this is because of things that have happened recently. Basically, we have a specific big ticket customer and they had a large order last year and it was absolute hell on earth the entire time trying to deliver on the order and I was a key player in making it all happen. The higher ups have fought tooth and nail to get another big order from the same high profile customer which they have, but it's 3 times bigger. And the company have only employed 2 extra office staff to accomodate it all which is not enough by any stretch of the imagination and 10 extra others (not office based but who report to me) which will increase my workload by 6 times because my job is to plan what they're doing every day if that makes sense. So I think they're panicking about the sheer volume of work that there is going to be and dont want a repeat of last year. They want to know for definite when I am able to be there so they can plan for the long term now.

Hope this makes some kind of sense??

I agree with everyone saying if OP is so indispensable they’ll want ti grant her flexible working to keep her there, as the other option is OP leaving.

If you are that indispensable, then surely you hold the cards?

They can’t just “make” you be there - you have the option of resigning after all.

You need to sit down with work and put in place structures to make you less indispensable too - the whole thing of only taking one day of annual leave at a time is mad! Everyone needs a week or two off sometimes.

The no lunch break thing is illegal. They also can’t count you taking no lunch break towards the time you’ve worked as it is illegal for you not to have a break.

Yes you are probably right to be honest.

But they have done a lot for me when I have needed the support and flexibility the most. I just worry I wont get the same understanding elsewhere if leave. I think I'm paid well in comparison to what I'd get elsewhere too.

I have had childcare difficulties and also am
in a position where I am needed and heavily relied on.
a few things
I was given flexibility so make myself extra available when I can so cover something that needs covering weekly and am on hand to cover an area not in my remit but I will cover when needed, these things go a long way with goodwill

I made the people I manage more accountable and able to manage without me, I took a step back and realised it wasn’t good that I was so needed

I negotiated with my husband how he could help and he does an extra pick up

This. If you can manage your childcare, you can work there. If not, you need to find another job. Before you're sacked.

Most people have complications in their lives. In capitalism, it is up to us to handle them. Not the state or private business/employers.

That sounds unsympathetic but it is factual unfortunately.

I think that the only realistic thing to do is to present with them the hours that you can work.

Would you be able to pick up extra hours WFH once the kids are in bed and at weekends?

Also look at the entitledto.com benefit calculator and see what help you would be entitled to if you worked fewer hours as a single parent. You might be surprised.

You cannot work in the office 8.30 - 5, 5 days a week.

It might be the case that you need to find another job. Whatever happens, you will need to take your holidays properly to enjoy time with your children during school holidays.

If you say you are looking for another job, they will probably not be bothered. Most employers don’t bend over backwards to keep staff, and with your current situation, it doesn’t carry much weight unfortunately.

I think you need to be proactive here and suggest some things that meet business needs but could work for you, as this will not get better with the summer holidays etc.

1. Can you identify bits of your role that can be done from home- like the emails- is there stuff like project planning etc that you do not need to be in the office for
2. Can you ask for a change in your job description so that you can build up the areas that can be done by hybrid working, and move back from office only activities
3. Can you schedule meetings with your team such that they have a set time to raise stuff with you daily/ weekly etc so you are not fostering a culture of you leaping in to support when anything comes up at any time
4. Can you identify and list to them the formal training that you have done for the other supervisor- when and what topics. So that you can evidence that they can be expected to meet that business need in your absence
5. Can you discuss with them team training and development so you have different champions within the team for different issues

Also it is unclear to me
You say
"work 8.30 - 5pm Monday to Friday and it takes me 30 mins to get to and from work"
Then you say "I finish work at 14:40, pick up the kids from school and then log on at home for the remainder of the day, sometimes beyond 5pm"
Surely on the days you leave early you should always be working from home until until 5.30 or 6 for you to do your contracted hours

Not all jobs are able to wfh I work in a school and couldn’t possibly wfh, hubs is a senior manager and also can’t wfh as he leads a team and is expected to be there. Obvs they manage when he’s on holiday but day to day it’s his responsibility to lead his team in person.

OP, you are not indispensable, regardless of what you may like to think.
And particularly not indispensable when you are working less hours than you should be/are getting paid to do, because of your lack of childcare...and the disruption it is causing.
This is not your employer being difficult, this is you being unreasonable.

you need to find a childcare option (yes it will cost money) or ask your work to change your working hours and take a drop in salary if that’s required.

you mention sometimes staying working beyond 5, I mean yeah of course you need to do that if you are taking time out of working hours to collect the kids. Would working later in the evening to make up the lost time be an option?

Since you said they've already helped so much, I expect the options they really want you to focus on concern the actual job rather than personal challenges ... and no, them expecting this really doesn't mean they're "making the childcare their problem"

As a PP said though, if you really are impossible to replace you could always tell them that and see how it goes

And they aren’t being unreasonable in that they are only concerned with what they need from you in the workplace

My husband worked nights and took the kids to school and picked them up everyday

I can’t think of any better advice than this.

I'm a working mum of three, and also an employer, so I'm looking at it from both perspectives. It's bloody hard trying to make it work as a parent, but of course, it can also cause problems at work, so the best approach is to set a routine that doesn't change, so everyone - at home and at work - knows what's happening when so there's no last-minute surprises. Your manager knows where you are, so does your team, and at home, you can all settle into a routine.

Firstly, I'm sure you've mentioned it, but are you able to work from home at all, or is your role very much an office-based one? My starting point would be negotiating a day or two to work from home and offer it as a trial for them to see how effective it can be.

If WFH isn't doable as part of your usual working week, do you have flexibility with your hours? Are work open to condensed hours? So you can work longer days and shorter days? For example, on the days when DH is working from home and takes and collects the kids, can you do an early start, and a later finish to bank some hours? For example, if you worked 7.30 until 6, with a half hour lunch break, that's 10 hours. If you did this twice, you could then work shorter hours on the days when DH and you are both in the office?

On another of DH's work from home days, you could start early and finish early to pick them up. Say 7.30 start, take your lunch at 1.30 or 2, then you've done a full day. Or, you can make it shorter, and say you'll be back online between 4 and 5, in case anyone needs you (in case they need your role to be accessible).

Sound out your mum and dad to do one pick up per month and set the dates ahead of time, so everyone knows. Cook them a roast once a month to say thank you, but this is then one day, or maybe two, that you're getting extra help and relieving the pressure a little.

On one of the days your DH is in the office, can he start later and take the kids, and you go in early?

So, for example:
Monday - 7.30am-6pm - (DH at home) 10hrs
Tuesday - 7.30am-1.30pm, then 4-5pm (DH at home) 7hrs
Wednesday - 7.30 - 1.30pm, then 4-5pm (DH at home/office) 7hrs
Thursday - 9am-2.30pm, plus 4-5 (DH at home/in office) 6hrs
Friday - 9am-2.30pm, plus 4-5 (DH in office) 6hrs

When you pitch this, make it clear that while yes, this is benefitting you as a parent, you've been mindful to work it around particular needs of the business, so if Mondays are the busiest day, you've reflected this with your request. Are there particular things that you need to be in the office for, and other things you can really focus on in the quiet at home? In which case, evidence how you'll do these on a day where you're doing some of it at home - show them why this will be helpful for them, not just you.

Is there a HR dept you can talk ideas through with - they may suggest condensed hours, or show you what reducing hours in term time looks like, or other options?

As you rightly say, they want to keep you, soy need to make it easy for them to say yes. Let's face it, none of us are irreplaceable but there are some people genuinely worth their weight in gold and so it makes sense to look after them. I've made huge considerations for my team to reflect the demands they have outside of work, and as a result, they're hardworking and loyal, and know I'm always open to improving and changing things.

This is the hardest time to keep all plates spinning, I've been there and it's so difficult - I promise it gets easier. My youngest two are now teens and the shift is insane.

Good luck!

It is tough. I get it. My kids school never offered wraparound care. I had to move them to a different primary school. It was a big upheaval but ultimately for us there wasn’t another option.

So not only does the OP think she’s indispensable, she now thinks the purpose of the meeting is for her employer to thrash out if there is any other possible way she can work the hours she’s employed to do, and that if they can’t, they’ll end up caving in and giving her exactly what she wants. Yeah right….😂

Honestly there’s more than a whiff of BS about this. Every reasonable suggestion has been brushed off as impossible. I didn’t even get a response when I pointed out that £15- 20 per hour for personalised childcare by a nanny would mean she and her dh would still make more money each hour they’re working and paying the nanny - even if they’re on minimum wage!!

It’s clearly one of those AIBU where the OP decides they’re terribly important and are not open to any solutions because they can’t possibly be expected to try anything different.