AIBU to wonder what work are expecting me to do?

[FriskyHeeler]

I've worked at my current employer for 3 years and recently had a change in circumstances (in February) which means I have no childcare for my 3 children after school for 1-2 days out of the week. They have been understanding and accomodated my needs so far but have asked me to look at what realistic options are available and have called a meeting for next week to discuss, as the situation is not sustainable long term. I'll outline the facts below, please read carefully because it's not as simple a solution as most people seem to think.

• I work 8.30 - 5pm Monday to Friday and it takes me 30 mins to get to and from work.
• My husband works 8 - 4.30 Monday to Friday, his office is an hour away and he works from home on Thursdays and Fridays. Soon to be 3 days a week. He used to work nights, so would drop off and pick up the kids each day, however the strain on family life, our relationship, his mental health was not sustainable and he had numerous breakdowns over a long period of time and he changed jobs. Not ideal but I won't make my husband do a job he hated when it made him want to kill himself every day. He can be quite volatile and in the past this has affected work when he last left for periods of time so I've been left to sort the kids 100% of the time, at times. Work know things are rocky and my line manager thinks I should leave him but this would only make the situation more difficult.
• Our kids are 3, 5 & 9. The 3 & 5 year olds attend the same school/nursery and the 9 year old attends a different school.
• 2 out of the 3 kids have special needs and are settled in their schools. They previously attended the same primary school but had serious issues so we had to move them.
• Both schools have breakfast club, 1 starts at 7.50 and the other at 8.10, this obviously means I am often 10 mins late to work on the days they are in club.
• Neither school has ANY after school provision.
• We unfortunately live in an area where wrap around care isn't in demand, so options are pretty non existent.
• There are no childminders in the area that currently or are willing to pick up from either/both of their schools.
• Their are a couple of local nurseries that do after school club and they collect the kids from school and walk back to their premises. 1 of my kids is a flight risk so I do not feel comfortable with this as an option. He has escaped and ran off from his old school twice before.
• We cannot afford a nanny, prices are between £15 - 20 and hour when I have enquired and tbh, given my kids additional needs, I don't think anyone would last a week with them, they are VERY full on.
• My dad can collect the kids 1 day a week at an absolute push but it's his only day off and if he has plans it's not a given he can do it, I don't expect him to plan his life around MY kids. My dad works the other 4 days a week and my mom doesn't work but has stopped driving for health reasons so cannot pick them up and she is not physically able to walk/get the bus etc and as previously stated, 1 of them is a flight risk and she wouldnt be able to run after him if needed. A taxi for her to pick them up and go back to hers would be far too expensive multiple times a week as she has done this once before in an emergency and it was £30 for one pick up, let alone 2.
• There are no other parents at either of their schools that we know well enough to ask. We have no other friends or family in the area at all, aside from my mom and dad.
• So far, on days where my husband is in the office, I finish work at 14:40, pick up the kids from school and then log on at home for the remainder of the day, sometimes beyond 5pm.
• I am a supervisor and our team is growing and I will be responsible for up to 12 people eventually so work are saying I cannot effectively supervise if I am not in the office. We also have a lot of new team members (one being another supervisor) who are not fully trained so things tend to fall to shit a lot of them time if I am not there.
• Not to toot my own horn but i am the glue that holds the entire team together, and effectively, if I were to leave because I need more long term flexibility, they would be absolutely fucked. My line manager and our department manager knows this all too well, but are still pressuring me to find some magical solution that doesn't exist so I can be there 8.30-5 every single day. They've not said they will get rid of me, and I don't think they would, but they're saying I need to work my hours I am employed to do. I agree with this and have no issues with that, I've often said I will taken leave, take the time unpaid etc and they have always said no.
• I could put in a flexible working request to reduce my hours 1-2 days a week, but it would actually be a waste of time, as they can and would refuse it for a legitimate business reason.

I don't know what to do or what I'm supposed to say during this meeting. If you've thought of something I haven't explored above then please please let me know. I'm obviously going to explain all of the above in detail about what I've looked into and why it's not a viable option and see what they say. I'm also considering telling them I'm looking else where for something more flexible in the hope that they back down, but I don't actually want to leave, I really do enjoy working there and don't want to jump ship and end up being somewhere I don't like, or having to take a pay cut that I can't really afford.

I would like to clarify that by "you" I meant both parents. If your husband isn't willing to contribute practically, it needs to be financially.

If the children have challenging behaviour then a regular babysitter you employ is probably safer than nursery employees who could be new/inexperienced/bank cover.

Is there someone who could "act up" as you a couple of afternoons a week? Could be sold as a training opportunity.

This seems a good idea - and you reduce your working hours to reflect it.

The money the business saves gets used to pay that person.

It's more complex than just the nights, it exasterbated a lot of his other mental health/ADHD struggles. He was working 7pm-7am, getting home for just before 8, taking the kids to school at 8.45, sleeping from 9-2.30pm, then doing it all over again on barely 5.5 hours sleep a day. We literally never saw each other.

He takes the kids to school and picks them up on his 2 days working from home, and will do so on his 3rd day when this starts. He finds it difficult to work from home with them but he does it anyway. I didn't mention but he does often stay later on his office days and when he gets home/on the weekends etc. Hes been off during Easter holidays with the kids and had still been doing bits and bobs with work. But the working from home compromise comes with the 2 mandatory days in the office.

I think you are discovering why many parents (realistically, mothers) of kids with SEN have to give up work.

It sounds like youve looked pretty comprehensively.

My only comment would be if you log back onto work after picking up the kids, are you trying to work and do child care? Make sure work are aware if you are not the sole adult to 3 young kids when you are logging back on.

I’m so sorry the first few post have been unhelpful and frankly quite shitty op, not what you need!
It does sound like a tough situation to be in and, realistically flexible working or finding a different job that fits better around your family do seem to be the only realistic options right now.
I don’t think many people fully understand the pressures that parents of SEND children face when it comes to this sort of thing, childcare options are often unsuitable and/or unwilling to go the extra mile, school can require pick ups when they’re not coping and children need a consistency that just doesn’t fit with working a full time job.

hopefully somebody more knowledgable than me can look at your post and make other suggestions. The only thing I can suggest is that you explain that of flexible working isn’t going to be an option in this job then you will need to look for something else.
Yes, people are correct in saying that childcare is not work’s responsibility but staff well-being is their responsibility and it sounds as if being “the glue” both at work and at home is putting a huge amount of pressure on you that is unsustainable in terms of your mental health long term.

Please don't go into the meeting listing all this endless minutiae about which local providers do or do not offer childcare wise. That's not their problem or concern.

Whilst this is true, we've had a very high level of staff turn over since I have been there because people simply can't hack it. Hence why we have a lot of new staff that are not fully trained. They have recently promoted a newby (wrong decision in my opinion as he is actually clueless) to supervisor to "help" but they've actually done the opposite.

Aside from the above, it sounds like a massive DH problem.

Have I misunderstood or are you saying he’s too “volatile” to be asked to look after his own children on a regular basis?

Is he as “indispensable” as you at work or can he reduce working hours a bit in order to be there for the kids? Or as others have said, work more hours on certain days to be there for the kids on others? Seems the obvious solution.

If none of this is workable, speak to the nursery asc re managing the flight risk.

You say a nanny is “far too expensive” but you literally need the childcare in order to work the hours that your job requires, the job that brings in the money. You are earning money in that time. You have to pay for the childcare you need in order to do it. You can’t expect your work to accept you being paid for work you are not doing because you’ve deemed the childcare you need “too expensive”.

If your employer really thinks you are invaluable, would they consider increaasing your salary by the amount you would need to make the childcare work? Mine might, in the right circumstances and (importantly) for exactly the right person. You'd need to go in with some figures and evidence of local childcare costs, to show how it would be more economically advantageous to them than the alternatives.

I agree with others who've said that you have to upskill your team though. I recognise all of the challenges you have (also a FT working mum of 2 SEN children - fwiw, my husband has changed his career because I earn more than he does) but it's poor management to have a bunch of people who can only cope if they are depending on you.

I realise your DH has mental health struggles but as a manager there is nothing more annoying (well there probably is, but not a lot) than managing someone who seems to regard their DH’s work as completely inviolable and fixed in stone, but expecting their own workplace to make endless adjustments to preserve said DH’s inviolability.

You wouldn’t believe how many women we get in my line of work who seem to have these - often self-employed! - husbands who can’t take a second away from work.

They're happy for me to do there, I'm not on the phone and being disturbed, it's updating systems and replying to emails. The kids can occupy themselves enough for an hour after we get home and I work again whilst they eat dinner.

But they've asked me to look at the options? Which I've done, and need to evidence I've done and why they don't work. I can't magic up childcare that doesn't exist.

But they'll still manage without you, so I'd keep this in mind before the meeting.

Don't go in with the attitude 'They'll be fucked without me' because it's unlikely they will.

They’ve told you the situation is not sustainable. You can’t be that indispensable!

Look at the options for how you'll mitigate your absence too. What systems and processes can be put in place so things don't turn to shit at 2.40?

There is a nursery after school option but you're not willing to try and make it work. I think you will struggle to persuade your employer that in this entire situation, the only compromise that can be made is on their part. It doesn't reflect well on you. I was absolutely skint paying for nursery when mine were younger. It's a long game. I think you and your husband need to look more closely at the options you have already discounted. Your employer will expect you to make suitable arrangements. If this was a temporary situation, you could look at a short term reduction in hours, but it isn't.

He's not volatile in being asked to look after his own kids, no. But he did it exclusively for a long time whilst also working night shifts and having very little sleep. I feel it's almost "my turn" if that makes sense.

I'll also mention, he did take a pay cut to take this new job, but also here and there has been doing the odd night shift in his old job to make up the short fall.

I am not expecting to just carry on as I am and be paid for it. I've said multiple times to them that I will have to step down, reduce my hours, leave etc and they've said no we don't want that, we need you here etc.

Have you done an online benefits calculator to check if you are eligible for help from UC with childcare costs should you go with a registered nanny or childminder that specialises with SEN children? If you aren’t, are there any costs you can cut back on to be able to prioritise paying for extra childcare, even if it was just one day a week.

@FriskyHeeler If your employer values you they will find a solution...

What about your husband reducing/changing his hours? Could he do 7am until 2pm on the days he is in work with no lunch break?

Not legally, no. (Needs a min 20 min break if working more than 6 hours and can’t be taken at beginning or end.)

I am not expecting to just carry on as I am and be paid for it. I've said multiple times to them that I will have to step down, reduce my hours, leave etc and they've said no we don't want that, we need you here etc.

Then it's not 'your turn' to do the childcare if you actually can't do that and keep your job 🤷‍♂️

I can't really explain it, and I know it sounds really arrogant and big headed, but really and truly, they would be fucked without me. It's not a job you can walk into, or learn overnight. That's why the turnover is so high. That's why we have so many new people currently.

I have tried to train people so things don't turn to shit when I am not there, but it's a lot to take on whilst also trying to do my actual job. My line manager won't step in to do any training with the new "supervisor" so it's being left to me, and I simply cannot do it. He's not taking anything in that I'm trying to teach him which is why I said it's not a good idea. They consulted me before promoting him and I expressed my concerns.

The other main staff member that reports to me is good, but he doesn't like my line manager and seems to rile her up when I am off by not following process (which are a bit overkill and he doesn't like doing).

Some suggestions-

• DH reduces his hours and does either pick up or drop off- it sounds like your career is the most reliable;
• You ask work for a formal reduction in hours for 2 days or to work flexibly, so you log on again in the evening;
• You take a demotion from the supervisor role and ask to work fewer hours/ flexibly. You may be able to go back up to your old role once they are older;
• look for new schools closer to work with an after school club for the younger children. Assuming they are in mainstream then they are young enough to adapt. Our wrap club starts at 7.50 and finishes at 6pm and I would bet that there will be similar facilities somewhere near you. This would then enable you to work a full day.

Have you put any ads out, had any leads, interviewed anyone? I found a student who was studying childcare at University who was willing to also be my afterschool nanny. She was fun, energetic and could keep up with primary school aged kids who lived her company.

I know your kids have special needs but it sounds like you need a willing and fit person you can trust.