AIBU to wonder what work are expecting me to do?

[FriskyHeeler]

I've worked at my current employer for 3 years and recently had a change in circumstances (in February) which means I have no childcare for my 3 children after school for 1-2 days out of the week. They have been understanding and accomodated my needs so far but have asked me to look at what realistic options are available and have called a meeting for next week to discuss, as the situation is not sustainable long term. I'll outline the facts below, please read carefully because it's not as simple a solution as most people seem to think.

• I work 8.30 - 5pm Monday to Friday and it takes me 30 mins to get to and from work.
• My husband works 8 - 4.30 Monday to Friday, his office is an hour away and he works from home on Thursdays and Fridays. Soon to be 3 days a week. He used to work nights, so would drop off and pick up the kids each day, however the strain on family life, our relationship, his mental health was not sustainable and he had numerous breakdowns over a long period of time and he changed jobs. Not ideal but I won't make my husband do a job he hated when it made him want to kill himself every day. He can be quite volatile and in the past this has affected work when he last left for periods of time so I've been left to sort the kids 100% of the time, at times. Work know things are rocky and my line manager thinks I should leave him but this would only make the situation more difficult.
• Our kids are 3, 5 & 9. The 3 & 5 year olds attend the same school/nursery and the 9 year old attends a different school.
• 2 out of the 3 kids have special needs and are settled in their schools. They previously attended the same primary school but had serious issues so we had to move them.
• Both schools have breakfast club, 1 starts at 7.50 and the other at 8.10, this obviously means I am often 10 mins late to work on the days they are in club.
• Neither school has ANY after school provision.
• We unfortunately live in an area where wrap around care isn't in demand, so options are pretty non existent.
• There are no childminders in the area that currently or are willing to pick up from either/both of their schools.
• Their are a couple of local nurseries that do after school club and they collect the kids from school and walk back to their premises. 1 of my kids is a flight risk so I do not feel comfortable with this as an option. He has escaped and ran off from his old school twice before.
• We cannot afford a nanny, prices are between £15 - 20 and hour when I have enquired and tbh, given my kids additional needs, I don't think anyone would last a week with them, they are VERY full on.
• My dad can collect the kids 1 day a week at an absolute push but it's his only day off and if he has plans it's not a given he can do it, I don't expect him to plan his life around MY kids. My dad works the other 4 days a week and my mom doesn't work but has stopped driving for health reasons so cannot pick them up and she is not physically able to walk/get the bus etc and as previously stated, 1 of them is a flight risk and she wouldnt be able to run after him if needed. A taxi for her to pick them up and go back to hers would be far too expensive multiple times a week as she has done this once before in an emergency and it was £30 for one pick up, let alone 2.
• There are no other parents at either of their schools that we know well enough to ask. We have no other friends or family in the area at all, aside from my mom and dad.
• So far, on days where my husband is in the office, I finish work at 14:40, pick up the kids from school and then log on at home for the remainder of the day, sometimes beyond 5pm.
• I am a supervisor and our team is growing and I will be responsible for up to 12 people eventually so work are saying I cannot effectively supervise if I am not in the office. We also have a lot of new team members (one being another supervisor) who are not fully trained so things tend to fall to shit a lot of them time if I am not there.
• Not to toot my own horn but i am the glue that holds the entire team together, and effectively, if I were to leave because I need more long term flexibility, they would be absolutely fucked. My line manager and our department manager knows this all too well, but are still pressuring me to find some magical solution that doesn't exist so I can be there 8.30-5 every single day. They've not said they will get rid of me, and I don't think they would, but they're saying I need to work my hours I am employed to do. I agree with this and have no issues with that, I've often said I will taken leave, take the time unpaid etc and they have always said no.
• I could put in a flexible working request to reduce my hours 1-2 days a week, but it would actually be a waste of time, as they can and would refuse it for a legitimate business reason.

I don't know what to do or what I'm supposed to say during this meeting. If you've thought of something I haven't explored above then please please let me know. I'm obviously going to explain all of the above in detail about what I've looked into and why it's not a viable option and see what they say. I'm also considering telling them I'm looking else where for something more flexible in the hope that they back down, but I don't actually want to leave, I really do enjoy working there and don't want to jump ship and end up being somewhere I don't like, or having to take a pay cut that I can't really afford.

Yes and no, I can and do do something's in the evening but they don't like people working when the office is closed.

I agree, this is the obvious solution. OP hasn’t even tried it and is assuming it wouldn’t work but there is a clear solution here so OP needs to try it.

Where is your husband's flexibility in this? You say what his hours are but its up to him as much as you to look at options. You both have set hours.

I think you know that if you or your husband cant reduce your hours, then you or your husband cant do the childcare.

You say you hold the team together so cant leave. TBH, work would have no issues replacing you so you need to look at what you and your family need.

You can tell them you are looking elsewhere but what do you hope to achieve with that? If it's a way of forcing them to accept your reduced hours then it might work or 8t might not.

Would your flught risk wear reins? I know a lot of people hate them and equate them to child abuse or something but they can be handy with runners.

I don't get it, if you're so indispensable and everyone knows it why not just dictate your terms??

I got an after school Nanny from Koru Kids who looks after my DC with additional needs. The all in cost is £20 per hour. If you got someone similar for 2 days a week 3-6pm, it would be £120 per week, which would enable you to keep your job.

In a previous organisation I worked for, the payroll manager (and single point of failure) believed herself to be indispensable as she was solely responsible for payroll for 500 people. She soon found out she wasn’t when she tried to hold the company to ransom. Look at positive ways you can work with your company to deliver the work needed, rather than focusing on the barriers otherwise they may decide to move you on.

Also, just to make things worse, the 2 owners of the company are still heavily involved in the day to day running of the business and they don't like flexi working or wfh which is why I think any request will be refused. They tried to say I needed to do a course they asked me to do during my own time. I don't think so 🙄

Given your first line here, that you think they are trying to formalise things, I think as some others have mentioned focussing on the options you have discounted for childcare seems to be a lot of effort and information in the wrong place. I would start by simply saying (without going into full detail unless they probe further) you have continued to investigate all childcare options available but unfortunately there is still nothing suitable. You will continue to re-evaluate over time with changes to school, new childminders etc as applicable, but try and use the meeting to focus on how you can structure your week around your required childcare and try to meet their output expectations in a different way.

In most situations, this would likely be a reduction in your hours for those 2 days, but as it seems this isn't an option for them it could work something like:

3 days (when husband does childcare pick ups) you work usual hours, or an hour longer if possible to give on site time.
2 days (when you do childcare pick up), leave office at xx time for 1 hour, log back on at home from xx to xx time to cover admin based/off site focussed tasks. Have a nominated/train up one or two deputies to cover those hours in person. You can frame this very positively as this person would also then be able to provide sickness/holiday cover for you, more resilience for the company (which clearly doesn't have much at the moment), and personal/professional development for the individuals.

Hopefully reframing your approach from what ultimately is your problem, to providing them with a structured solution should spin it more positively and show stronger leadership from your side.

Because no one is indispensable despite what they are told or tell themselves.

So many people seem to think their workplace would collapse without them. It wouldn't. You might be amazing at your job but your work wouldnt hesitate to replace you if they needed to.

It just annoys me that people have so much loyalty and obligation to their workplaces that is very rarely if ever, reciprocated.

My line manager won't step in to do any training with the new "supervisor" so it's being left to me, and I simply cannot do it. Tell them that.
The other main staff member that reports to me is good, but he doesn't like my line manager and seems to rile her up when I am off by not following process He needs to follow process, whether he likes it or not. Why is this going on? Has he ever been spoken to about it?
they don't like flexi working or wfh which is why I think any request will be refused. You need to show them how you can still do the job effectively from home/flexi. And they need to set out exactly why they are turning you down (if they are). Not liking flexi working or wfh isn't a business reason.
they don't like people working when the office is closed. Again, not liking it isn't the same as having a good business reason for not allowing it.

If I were in your shoes, the only viable option that would make sense, would be for either yourself or your husband to give up work (which ever parent earns the least), claim carer's allowance and look after your children. One works Mon-Fri doing child care etc, the other works weekends.

Also when was the last time you had a pay rise? If the company is getting in new large orders, it would make sense for the people key in delivering those orders to be rewarded appropriately. A salary increase would help with paying for additional childcare.

The trouble is any suggestions either cost money or cost your wages.

So you could stop being the supervisor. Then the issue of you not being able to supervise because you're not there goes away. Assume pay cut.

You could go part time on the 2 days you're needed. Pay cut.

You could hire a nanny. Costs money.

Your mom could taxi x2 per week. Costs money.
Etc etc.

I'd check whether going part time means you'd be eligible for any top up benefits. It all sounds really shitty for you. I hope you find a solution.

Having just read your follow up - I'd look at the pressures caused by the new contract and the potential issues you can see coming down the road. I'd then suggest ways these could be avoided by your role adapting to become X or Y, and play to those strengths.

It sounds like they've taken on more than they can chew and they won't want anything to jeopardise that. If you can pitch a slightly different role that solves problems before they happen, this could be your way to getting a mix that works perfectly for you.

If the owners of the business aren't open to flexi working or wfh, you absolutely have to focus on the benefits for the business, and leave your homelife and the demands of the children out of it to a degree.

Or, go to them and say you're incredibly upset as you're in a really difficult position - you're so excited to get going with the new project and all it entails, and have so many brilliant ideas about how you can make things work seamlessly having learnt on the job from the last job, but you're worried that you may need to leave to find something more flexible as your DH's new role simply isn't working with demands of your role and your children's needs and so you might need to find something with flexibility. They might offer it?

I think you will have to reduce your hours. You can't keep being late.

Can you use two childminders? one for one school one for the other?

So, it's completely unreasonable of your boss/owner of the company to suggest you do a course in your own time, yet you think it's perfectly reasonable to finish work hours early, twice a week, because you haven't got childcare organised???

Wow reading the first page of comments was quite shocking. Just reading this I felt so overwhelmed for you.
I have no answers but you have my admiration and you certainly need more support in your life. Shame you couldn’t find it on here.

I can’t imagine how stressful this is for you OP. You’ve got so much on your plate and seem to have run out of options.

but I think you need to gather your thoughts and ‘can do’ approach for one last push to get a resolution that all can agree with.

go into the meeting with a constructive attitude.

tell them you’ve approached the local authority for support with transport for the flight risk child.
tell them you’ve submitted an application for funding support to enable you to use a specialist after school nanny or after school club.
tell them you’ve looking into a UC application for the same objective as above.
tell them your DH will be doing 3 pick ups per week, your DF has agreed to do 1.

ask them if they can agree to you reducing your hours to finish at 2pm one day per week and that you’ll train x to be deputy supervisor this one afternoon each week which can be a development opportunity for them and create a more resilient workforce for the approaching big contract.
ask them to alter your start time to 9.15 so you’re not late every day.
tell them you’ve investigated x training or y software to increase team efficiency.
tell them if at a recent appraisal Rita asked for more responsibility or expressed an interest in a particular task.

you say you’re indispensable. That may or may not be true, but surely you can admit that you’re only indispensable if you’re at your workplace? If you’re not working or WFH, you’re not contributing to the hands-on efficiency of the team.

@bigboykitty’s post was spot on. You have 3 young children, 2 with additional needs. Both parents work full time and you have minimal family childcare support. It’s completely unrealistic to continue with this set up. You need to adjust hours or invest in paid childcare.

Am I reading this right that when your husband works from home 3 days, it's just the other two you need to figure out? Since you don't take your lunch anyway, can you ask to take a shorter lunch to cover the 10 mins you're late in the morning? Then for the afternoon make the time up the way you have been. It's not really clear what they're saying isn't sustainable - lots of employers have flexibility and understanding that people have other responsibilities IS the problem of the employer. They don't have to facilitate anything you ask for but it's quite clear that employers who won't even consider it are shit employers. Because it IS a responsibility.

Try the flexible working request anyway.

There's another thread on the go just now that's an interesting counterpoint to this one:
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/amibeingunreasonable/5515123-to-resent-covering-constantly-for-a-colleagues-childcare-absences?reply=151614024.

I've been that "indispensable " person, OP, no lunch breaks, extra unpaid hours, doing stuff that wasn't in my remit but would otherwise not get done etc. Spoiler alert - I wasn't indispensable. I left, yet the organisation has flourished.

I see a few options here, you are probably not going to like any of them but something has to give and your employer has been accommodating this far.

What will help you in that meeting is going in with clear, reasonable options rather than just the problem. You don’t need a perfect solution, you need something that shows willingness and compromise. Don’t position it as “there’s no solution” even if it feels that way.

1. You or your DP reduce your working hours, via a formal flexible working request, so that you are available to care for your children on the days you have a childcare gap. E.g. you finish at 2:40pm on those 2 days and cut your hours accordingly.

1. You source and pay for childcare, for the days you have a childcare gap. The wraparound option that they walk to sounds the most viable, speak to them about there concerns and come up with a plan/risk assessment.

Many, many people pay for childcare, you might just need to work out a way to do that rather than just saying 'its too expensive' or 'its not available' . There is solution, but it might cost you.

1. They begin to manage you out because you're unreliable not doing the hours/job you are paid to do.

Yeah sure ok, because you know everything 🤣

As an ex HR Director my best advice would be to try and think of anything constructive you can offer to help alleviate the problems you are facing. Going into the meeting and explaining in great details all the problems you are experiencing around child care etc. is not what your employer wants to hear. You have to remember you are contracted to be at work and you don’t necessarily want to give your employer the ability, to take a position that your childcare and other issues preclude you from actually being able to perform your role. It really is unfortunately a situation for you to solve with hopefully some continued flexibility from your employer.

To be honest if you can’t afford to pay someone to help with childcare, then you certainly can’t afford to be sacked because you can’t work your correct times.

Either you or husband need to change jobs.

It sounds like the new supervisor is probably being employed so that will ease the transition when they do sack you.

@FriskyHeeler have you worked out how much two childminders would be then you could do one for each school