AIBU to wonder what work are expecting me to do?

[FriskyHeeler]

I've worked at my current employer for 3 years and recently had a change in circumstances (in February) which means I have no childcare for my 3 children after school for 1-2 days out of the week. They have been understanding and accomodated my needs so far but have asked me to look at what realistic options are available and have called a meeting for next week to discuss, as the situation is not sustainable long term. I'll outline the facts below, please read carefully because it's not as simple a solution as most people seem to think.

• I work 8.30 - 5pm Monday to Friday and it takes me 30 mins to get to and from work.
• My husband works 8 - 4.30 Monday to Friday, his office is an hour away and he works from home on Thursdays and Fridays. Soon to be 3 days a week. He used to work nights, so would drop off and pick up the kids each day, however the strain on family life, our relationship, his mental health was not sustainable and he had numerous breakdowns over a long period of time and he changed jobs. Not ideal but I won't make my husband do a job he hated when it made him want to kill himself every day. He can be quite volatile and in the past this has affected work when he last left for periods of time so I've been left to sort the kids 100% of the time, at times. Work know things are rocky and my line manager thinks I should leave him but this would only make the situation more difficult.
• Our kids are 3, 5 & 9. The 3 & 5 year olds attend the same school/nursery and the 9 year old attends a different school.
• 2 out of the 3 kids have special needs and are settled in their schools. They previously attended the same primary school but had serious issues so we had to move them.
• Both schools have breakfast club, 1 starts at 7.50 and the other at 8.10, this obviously means I am often 10 mins late to work on the days they are in club.
• Neither school has ANY after school provision.
• We unfortunately live in an area where wrap around care isn't in demand, so options are pretty non existent.
• There are no childminders in the area that currently or are willing to pick up from either/both of their schools.
• Their are a couple of local nurseries that do after school club and they collect the kids from school and walk back to their premises. 1 of my kids is a flight risk so I do not feel comfortable with this as an option. He has escaped and ran off from his old school twice before.
• We cannot afford a nanny, prices are between £15 - 20 and hour when I have enquired and tbh, given my kids additional needs, I don't think anyone would last a week with them, they are VERY full on.
• My dad can collect the kids 1 day a week at an absolute push but it's his only day off and if he has plans it's not a given he can do it, I don't expect him to plan his life around MY kids. My dad works the other 4 days a week and my mom doesn't work but has stopped driving for health reasons so cannot pick them up and she is not physically able to walk/get the bus etc and as previously stated, 1 of them is a flight risk and she wouldnt be able to run after him if needed. A taxi for her to pick them up and go back to hers would be far too expensive multiple times a week as she has done this once before in an emergency and it was £30 for one pick up, let alone 2.
• There are no other parents at either of their schools that we know well enough to ask. We have no other friends or family in the area at all, aside from my mom and dad.
• So far, on days where my husband is in the office, I finish work at 14:40, pick up the kids from school and then log on at home for the remainder of the day, sometimes beyond 5pm.
• I am a supervisor and our team is growing and I will be responsible for up to 12 people eventually so work are saying I cannot effectively supervise if I am not in the office. We also have a lot of new team members (one being another supervisor) who are not fully trained so things tend to fall to shit a lot of them time if I am not there.
• Not to toot my own horn but i am the glue that holds the entire team together, and effectively, if I were to leave because I need more long term flexibility, they would be absolutely fucked. My line manager and our department manager knows this all too well, but are still pressuring me to find some magical solution that doesn't exist so I can be there 8.30-5 every single day. They've not said they will get rid of me, and I don't think they would, but they're saying I need to work my hours I am employed to do. I agree with this and have no issues with that, I've often said I will taken leave, take the time unpaid etc and they have always said no.
• I could put in a flexible working request to reduce my hours 1-2 days a week, but it would actually be a waste of time, as they can and would refuse it for a legitimate business reason.

I don't know what to do or what I'm supposed to say during this meeting. If you've thought of something I haven't explored above then please please let me know. I'm obviously going to explain all of the above in detail about what I've looked into and why it's not a viable option and see what they say. I'm also considering telling them I'm looking else where for something more flexible in the hope that they back down, but I don't actually want to leave, I really do enjoy working there and don't want to jump ship and end up being somewhere I don't like, or having to take a pay cut that I can't really afford.

first answer nails it

OP, I think you need to go to the meeting with a focus on I've explored all childcare options and there is nothing suitable however here is how I plan to make my time working from home valuable. Then go through some ideas that will make you not having a physical presence easier for them. How many hours is it that you need to do from home? What parts of your job can be done from home? How are you connecting with other staff members whilst at home etc

I’m just re-posting this again @FriskyHeeleras I can’t see how you’re adding up the sums to claim that personalised nanny care is unaffordable. Even if you and your dh are on NMW, you’ll earn more together for each hour you’re paying the nanny! It’s not like you need a huge number of hours per week as two of your kids are school age and the 3 year old must get a load of free hours at nursery (or do you/ your dh earn 100k and not qualify for them?!!)

the problem seems to be more that you’re unwilling to pay for the sort of personalised care you need. You will still be making money with a £20 per hour nanny. It just won’t be the cheaper care (or free care from your dad?!) which you’d prefer.

Look, at the moment you apparently being indispensable is working against you because it makes your employer less likely to agree long-term flexibility. So its in your interests to help build some resilience and capability in the team. Put any ego of being number 1 aside and focus on how you'll help them achieve this at pace.

Clearly there's already capability when you take annual leave but it might be people are defaulting to the assumption you'll do it all.

Its a potential option, I will ask my husband to propose it to his work, the only thing to consider is the extra hours he would spend travelling to and from the office, and the cost of fuel. Will weigh it up as an option though.

I already am so busy I don't take a lunch break. I do a working lunch regularly. If I do go out, it's to the shop round the corner to buy a drink or a snack and I can't remember the last time I did that. My work don't care about that though and wouldn't "count" my working lunch hours towards working hours.

To be fair OP, your OH doing the school runs after night shifts and only ever having 5 hours sleep was never a viable arrangement and anyone's mental health would suffer in those conditions. It's totally unrealistic for two full-time working adults to have 3 children and expect not to pay for any childcare. You're trying to square the impossible circle and you seem to want your employer to find a magical solution. Something has to give here and it's not for your employer to solve. You seem really stuck in your thinking about it. Whatever you do, there will be a cost - reduced pay or increased expenses. I think you will need to accept this. Have you looked at Entitled To to see if you can claim any financial support? Is there scope to reduce your outgoings?

You asked for advice.

The consensus is that your attitude that you're indispensable is a major problem.

But you're ignoring it.

In that case you should do what someone else suggested - tell them they can't sack you because you're too important and demand whatever terms you want the most .. and then see what happens.

This got clearer with your later posts!

OP they are asking you to look at options because that is what they have to say before telling you it’s not working and sacking you.

It’s corporate speak for “fix this”.

Ok if there is a high turnover of staff perhaps look to getting your hubbie employed by your company and you training him to your standard and you could tag team with each other going to the office going forward. The most logical option is the most costly where he gives up his job and becomes a stay at home father of course.

@FriskyHeeler if everything you say is true and that you are 100% completely, utterly irreplaceable, surely you’ll have nothing to worry about? If the entire business will fail the minute you left the company, then they will have to let you have whatever working hours you need, won’t they?

I’ll be honest and say that I think you are perhaps being a tad optimistic in your assessment of your position, but if you are correct you can essentially dictate your terms, so I don’t see why you are at all stressed. If they won’t be able to replace you, and any attempt to do so will spell the end of the business, then they won’t be able to do anything other than comply with anything you request.

As an aside, I would have serious concerns about working for a business where one manager in one department leaving will cause the entire business to collapse, however, as it utterly incompetent management to create that situation and to allow it to continue. What if you were, god forbid, to become seriously unwell or involved in an accident? What are they thinking, utterly mind boggling.

I've said multiple times to them that I will have to step down, reduce my hours, leave etc and they've said no we don't want that, we need you here etc.

I think this is where your work might be being unreasonable. They can’t actually stop
you leaving if you want to! But they should also take on board and properly consider requests to change your hours etc

OK so you have exhausted childcare options.
Your husband can't do any more
It is all on you.
for 2 afternoons a week you can't be there from 2.30

The only option for you is to apply for shorter hours for those 2 days.

Are you expecting your company to pay you for hours you cannot work? I'm sure you are not and so you need to make it formal that you finish at 2.30 2x a week and the company pays you for the hours you actually work.
When your children are older you can go back to full time but it doesn't sound workable at the moment.

I think the difficulty is that you appear to be saying I cannot work 2 x afternoons a week and you are upset the company wants to talk about this after being flexible for 2 months (which is a reasonable amount of time to give you opportunity to work out what to do). It appears you want to just not work 2 afternoons a week and your company just pretend it isn't happening or talk to you about it.

They don't care about the child care options. They want you to think about the options that allow for the work to be done without things falling to pieces if you aren't around.

Option 1) Full childcare so you can be in the office to oversee things all day. You think this is impossible at this point.

Option 2) Improve training & capability within the team so they are comfortable with you supervising remotely for a portion of the week. You need to think about what training is needed, which staff members are most capable of stepping up, how long it might take to build capability and how much it might cost.

Option 3) Restructure the team so you aren't the single point of failure? Particularly if you will be responsible for 12 people. This might mean that other people are promoted to your level of seniority or you get "overtaken" by someone else, but that is the trade off when you are juggling a lot of commitments outside work.

And don't go into this meeting being as negative about your colleagues as you have been here. Instead, frame it as "I could delegate XYZ to Brian which would mean there would be less risk that client deadlines are missed, I would feel most confident doing that if he has more training on ABC".

Yet if the OP was half as indispensable as she thinks, they'd be delighted to continue.

It really doesn't make sense.

I think that's is also part of the problem, that I will do it all, I can take on anything and everything and there is nothing in place to stop the pile on. My line manager is the main barrier tbh. She piles on unrealistic work so I am going to address this in the meeting.

My annual leave is sporadic, a day here and there in the school holidays so I'm there to pick up the pieces the following day etc.

I do have a week off booked in June so it will massively show how my line manager needs to take on some training because I don't have capacity. If they don't get rid of me before then 🙄

The only solutions seem to be reducing your hours or applying for a different job. Not ideal but there's doesn't seem to be anything else that can be done unless your DH changes his hours.

I think they are being really inflexible. Why can't you WFH for two days a week in the afternoon?

I would be looking for another job, tbh if they can't support this.

The summary for this is that moving forward, for 2 days a week you need to work a shorter day so you will have to
a) cut your hours,
b) work a longer day in the office to compensate or
c) work flexibly to make up the hours in the evening on those two days.
d) put the kids into wrap around

Personally, I'd aim to request c) with the aim of executing d) put the children into wrap around childcare* appreciating this will take time to settle and stabilise.

Long term they may not need to be there every day. You could aim for 3 days a week between you as a target state so you both have the kids for one afternoon a week while you wfh or make up the hours.
Working long term with children around you puts you both at risk of redundancy.
It leaves you with children who are not capable of coping in holiday clubs making the school holidays an even bigger issue
It is quite probably putting your 9 year old in the invidious position of being a pseudo parent a lot of the time. If that's the case, that will really damage their long term relationship with their siblings.

*childcare - there are different options and you've had some good suggestions. If you have/can make space, I'd also consider something like this.
www.sunfloweraupairagency.com/au-pairs-and-mothers-helps/

This.

I stopped reading at a point because I was just reading excuses essentially.

I don't mean that nastily. It's your situation and that's how things are as you see them, but none of it, none, is actually your employers issue.

If the role you are in is not flexible in terms of working hours, or hybrid working, then none of the excuses you've laid out make any difference and frankly they will not want to listen to the litany of reasons why you cant make it work.

You need to step outside the situation a bit:

Stop listing excuses and start listing what could work for you - how you can make the situation workable with what is available.
If that is not childcare, then you need to be going to the meeting with a clear outline of working hours/hybrid working which will allow you the scope to cover childcare and still perform your role 100%.
Go with solutions, not excuses.

If they can't make any of your suggetions work, then you have your answer.

Believe me, it might fall apart for a bit without you. Still in no way makes you indespensible. They'll just suffer the shit for a bit until they figure it out. I've seen that in action more times than I could tell you.

Realistically, I think you are looking at a flexible working request as you have probably hit an impasse at work and as much as you think you’re holding the team together, you will be looking unreliable given

1. you are consistently late the days you need childcare (as a minimum I’d be requiring an 8.45 start)

2. on the days without care leaving at 2.40 and logging in at home while in charge of 3 kids, 1 of which seem to have needs you’re not sure a nursery could cope with.

On point 2, you have to be really honest with yourself about whether they are getting 2h20 of your full attention and whether there are things you could be doing to up the supervision of the office staff while WFH or to mitigate the absence.

You basically have to put in a flexible working request. If they value you, there will be ways of meeting you part way. I’d try and do something like this (assuming it’s a 37.5 hour week)

8.45 -5 x3 with 45 minute lunch (7.5hx3)
8.45- 2.45 (30 min lunch) 5.5h
8.45-2.45 (30 min munch) 5.5h

That would take you to something like 33.5 hours and basically 0.9% which would be a slight pay cut but probably not massive once you’re looking at tax. You could then add in specific measures for how the team would manage without you on those afternoons.

If you are so crucial to the company then tell them these are the hours you can work and put it to THEM to make it work.

I wouldn't make it long and drawn out.
State the bottom line, you have investigated your options and these are it.

Put it back on them.

NO ONE is irreplaceable.

The job may not get done, well or correctly, but they will move on.

My boss dropped dead on the job, he was deemed absolutely irreplaceable....until he was.

Don't kid yourself.
It will be messy, inconvenient, may cost them money, but things will move on and go on.

Yes, it would be an extra day of travelling compared to now but that's probably still cheaper than paid childcare for 3 kids. You could propose you stay an exta 10 minutes after work instead. The kids will be looked after by their dad by that time anyway.

Also, which one of you and your H makes more per hour? If you are the higher earner it would make more sense that he cuts his hours if that's the route you decide to go.

I’m really sorry but I think they are going to use this as evidence you cannot solve the situation and they could try to push you out.
Realistically parents can only both work full time if you have childcare. You don’t have sufficient childcare so I think the only option you have is either you or DH ask to reduce your hours.

Again, not legal.