AIBU to wonder what work are expecting me to do?

[FriskyHeeler]

I've worked at my current employer for 3 years and recently had a change in circumstances (in February) which means I have no childcare for my 3 children after school for 1-2 days out of the week. They have been understanding and accomodated my needs so far but have asked me to look at what realistic options are available and have called a meeting for next week to discuss, as the situation is not sustainable long term. I'll outline the facts below, please read carefully because it's not as simple a solution as most people seem to think.

• I work 8.30 - 5pm Monday to Friday and it takes me 30 mins to get to and from work.
• My husband works 8 - 4.30 Monday to Friday, his office is an hour away and he works from home on Thursdays and Fridays. Soon to be 3 days a week. He used to work nights, so would drop off and pick up the kids each day, however the strain on family life, our relationship, his mental health was not sustainable and he had numerous breakdowns over a long period of time and he changed jobs. Not ideal but I won't make my husband do a job he hated when it made him want to kill himself every day. He can be quite volatile and in the past this has affected work when he last left for periods of time so I've been left to sort the kids 100% of the time, at times. Work know things are rocky and my line manager thinks I should leave him but this would only make the situation more difficult.
• Our kids are 3, 5 & 9. The 3 & 5 year olds attend the same school/nursery and the 9 year old attends a different school.
• 2 out of the 3 kids have special needs and are settled in their schools. They previously attended the same primary school but had serious issues so we had to move them.
• Both schools have breakfast club, 1 starts at 7.50 and the other at 8.10, this obviously means I am often 10 mins late to work on the days they are in club.
• Neither school has ANY after school provision.
• We unfortunately live in an area where wrap around care isn't in demand, so options are pretty non existent.
• There are no childminders in the area that currently or are willing to pick up from either/both of their schools.
• Their are a couple of local nurseries that do after school club and they collect the kids from school and walk back to their premises. 1 of my kids is a flight risk so I do not feel comfortable with this as an option. He has escaped and ran off from his old school twice before.
• We cannot afford a nanny, prices are between £15 - 20 and hour when I have enquired and tbh, given my kids additional needs, I don't think anyone would last a week with them, they are VERY full on.
• My dad can collect the kids 1 day a week at an absolute push but it's his only day off and if he has plans it's not a given he can do it, I don't expect him to plan his life around MY kids. My dad works the other 4 days a week and my mom doesn't work but has stopped driving for health reasons so cannot pick them up and she is not physically able to walk/get the bus etc and as previously stated, 1 of them is a flight risk and she wouldnt be able to run after him if needed. A taxi for her to pick them up and go back to hers would be far too expensive multiple times a week as she has done this once before in an emergency and it was £30 for one pick up, let alone 2.
• There are no other parents at either of their schools that we know well enough to ask. We have no other friends or family in the area at all, aside from my mom and dad.
• So far, on days where my husband is in the office, I finish work at 14:40, pick up the kids from school and then log on at home for the remainder of the day, sometimes beyond 5pm.
• I am a supervisor and our team is growing and I will be responsible for up to 12 people eventually so work are saying I cannot effectively supervise if I am not in the office. We also have a lot of new team members (one being another supervisor) who are not fully trained so things tend to fall to shit a lot of them time if I am not there.
• Not to toot my own horn but i am the glue that holds the entire team together, and effectively, if I were to leave because I need more long term flexibility, they would be absolutely fucked. My line manager and our department manager knows this all too well, but are still pressuring me to find some magical solution that doesn't exist so I can be there 8.30-5 every single day. They've not said they will get rid of me, and I don't think they would, but they're saying I need to work my hours I am employed to do. I agree with this and have no issues with that, I've often said I will taken leave, take the time unpaid etc and they have always said no.
• I could put in a flexible working request to reduce my hours 1-2 days a week, but it would actually be a waste of time, as they can and would refuse it for a legitimate business reason.

I don't know what to do or what I'm supposed to say during this meeting. If you've thought of something I haven't explored above then please please let me know. I'm obviously going to explain all of the above in detail about what I've looked into and why it's not a viable option and see what they say. I'm also considering telling them I'm looking else where for something more flexible in the hope that they back down, but I don't actually want to leave, I really do enjoy working there and don't want to jump ship and end up being somewhere I don't like, or having to take a pay cut that I can't really afford.

I think those suggested paid nanny were being sarcastic...? No?

I think a couple were, but one seemed deadly serious!

Totally sarcastic

All of this is focused around you and what are YOU going to do.
There's 2 of you as parents.
You need a sit down together to look jointly at how amendments to working hours and then making flexi requests to BOTH employers.

Your second issue is training up the team so they can manage in your absence thus also adding to your flexibility.

Trust me, you are not indispensable. You say the team would go under without you. No it wouldn't. From experience, it is actually amazing how teams, somehow manage to pull through. Often people who you least expect are the ones to stand up to the challenge, often having been overlooked by their controlling or micro managing boss!

I'd sit down with your managers and do a proper needs analysis looking at the team and doing some succession planning.

Have you read the thread?
The OPs DH is WFH 2 days a week currently, soon to move to 3 days and will cover the childcare these days. So there's no need to shout about BOTH employers 🙄

Happy Sunday to you too.
It doesn't say that the husbands flexi is fixed though. Yes he's WFH more but this isn't agreeing flexi hours hence my comment re BOTH needing to ensure flexi arrangements are agreed.
My colleague WFH like the rest of us but within that also has agreed flexi hours for childcare otherwise it would look like he's just off in and out whilst WFH. WfH isn't an automatic system allowing people to come and go as they please.

😂 Happy Sunday... wtf

She's clearly outlined that he WFH and is increasing his WFH (with permission) and that he takes his lunch break to collect the kids... so he's not just in and out. She's also taken another posters suggestion that he could possibly speak to his employer to see if he could start earlier and work shorter days in the office on his 2 Office Days to facilitate childcare.

So yes.. him.and his employer are doing his fair share.

The biggest issue (IMO) for the OP is the fact that she thinks she's indispensable yet her entire team falls to shit (her words) in her absence for a few hours. That's just bad management and as the suggested needs to be considered how to untrain or what needs to be out in place for the OP to consider reduced hours or flexible working arrangements.

Happy Sunday was because from your tone it felt like you've started today in a really negative way but maybe you didn't realise that's how you came across.

Yes fully agree with your view on the biggest issue.

I understood the context of your Happy Sunday 😂 I'm not thick. I started my day 5 hours ago and it's not been one bit negative. Your comment was purposely nasty for.no reason?

My tone in the original response to you is because you obviously hadn't read or at least understood the multiple times where the OP has actually said her husband was doing 2 (soon to be 3) childcare days.

*You said earlier that you could reduce your hours but don't want to. Ok, but you can't work the hours required either.

*You said your DH could take a further cut in hours but it's 'your turn'. You might have to side-line that notion and do what works.

*Your parents are able to help with odd days and pick ups. It's not as much as you want but it's still a help (and free).

*There is a nursery option but you aren't keen due to the flight risk you identified. Is there a way to mitigate this? They might have dealt with this before.

*Specialist childcare is too expensive but your income could increase. You're applying for DLA for your other SEN child and your husband's job will see him earning commission. Won't that will cover/partially cover additional childcare?

Out of interest OP, what was your plan before your husband changed his job? Did something fall through that left you in this position?

Be careful OP. You already know you will have a problem in the summer holidays with the child who is no longer accepted at the holiday club. If you've spoken about this at work they are probably anticipating this situation getting worse not better.

What kind of work is so difficult that the house of cards collapses without you?

Your husband changed job for his sake and this caused the situation but you are having to sort out the childcare? Also, you don’t expect your dad to arrange his life around your kids but you expect your employer to do so? What compromises can your husband make in his job? Could you reduce your hours as a work place adjustment? Could he? Despite your children being settled, is there any option that might involve a change of schools that would make a difference? It seems you expect your employer to make the sacrifices that no one in your family is willing to make to make this work.

Goodness, OP. This sounds like a really difficult situation, as I’m sure you know. Well done for just keeping going under the circumstances. If you lose this job, how easy would it be for you to get a similarly paid job? if the answer is ‘not easy’ I’d really prioritise the job.
It sounds like you have three children- the oldest two have SEN (forgive me if I’ve got that wrong) of whom the middle one is banned from holiday club. One DC is a flight risk. Your DH has major mental health issues and has been suicidal and you’ve had to report him missing in the past (presumably to police). Child care you’ve had in the past is no longer available, partly because of DC behaviour. DH has been under enormous stress and has changed job and taken a paycut to cope. This has relieved pressure on him but added stress to you. You have debts of such a scale that you DH has to do occasional shifts at his old company just to put food on the table and to heat the home. You have a mother whose health is seriously compromised. There is no “village” or friendship group on whom you can rely. Your DH is volatile and has been involved in drama whereby a local company issued a cease and desist letter. Social services have been contacted, albeit for spurious reasons. Work is a less than ideal environment and you have little respect for management and some of your team members.
colleagues know much more about your private life than is healthy, to the point they are giving you marriage advice.
Im sorry if this is too blunt or I have misread the situation but it sounds as if you have a major issue with boundaries- at work, with the kids behaviour and with DH’s behaviour.
If preserving your job and income is the priority, I’d go into the management meeting with a well thought through plan for your hours. Find out exactly what their concern is - you not fulfilling your contract, you not doing your work to the correct standards, relationships with colleagues, or a mixture of all three. Acknowledge any shortcomings and present a clear, coherent plan for addressing their concerns. Don’t make it up on the spot. If they raise an issue you don’t have an answer for, acknowledge it and tell them you’ll get back to them on that specific concern.
Work with them to find a solution. Then bring a new professionalism to work. Don’t gossip or moan about management. Deal with each issue as it arises. Identify the blocks to a smooth-running department and address each one.
Ensure you are claiming everything you can and review the debt management plan regularly to see if any savings can be made. Get the help you need with this.
Sit down with DH and work out a plan for addressing their concerns DC behaviour. I know it is much more difficult when SEN is an issue but you need to separate the SEN issues from the behaviour issues. Establish a routine. Let the DC know there are some non-negotiables.
Look for a free support group for yourself. There may be local church groups who can help with holiday clubs and may even have older members of the congregation who would be happy to help if they know how much you are struggling. Address each problem individually. Get medical help if you of your DH need it. Look at using all the free local services, food banks, home start, whatever is available. See if there are any additional ways you or DH can make money on the side. Stay open-minded. Consider everything that is legal and ethical before shutting it down. You need a holistic approach to your life or it will continue to spiral. Good luck. I hope the meeting goes ok.

Surely if you really can't find a childminder, you (or your husband) need to reduce your hours so that you can balance the childcare. I reduced my hours to 28hrs a week so that I can do school pick up twice a week so I understand that it's shit to reduce your wages etc. but needs must.

You decided to have children so you must expect that you and your husband will need to make some career/money sacrifices.

Also is there any flexibility for your husband to go in early so he can finish early or go in late and finish late so he could help with drop offs etc.

The husband is already doing drop off and pickup 3 days a week

Her husband changed his job so he could provide three days of childcare rather than two.

Hey @FriskyHeeler , when is your meeting about this? Are you feeling any better about it?

It simple op your employer wants you to work you’re contract hours , your child care and DH change in jobs isn’t there problem.

Had my meeting today and it actually went a lot better than I'm sure most of you were expecting.

They made it clear I am not being managed out etc and they just want to support me but being a bit more structure to the arrangement so everyone knows when I am there. They accepted that I have explored all reasonable childcare options in my area and said themselves that I need to put my kids wellbeing first so if there are any risks at all then they understand that it will rule some options out.

I proposed leaving early on 1/2 days, and making up the hours on the 2, soon to be 3 days that my husband is WFH, and they seemed to think this is the best solution for all involved, I'll be working my contracted hours, and helps me out. Going to get it all formalized and signed off very soon. They're happy to continue with the informal arrangement (but with me still making up the hours) until my husband moves to 3 days WFH then it will be made offical.

I did discuss concerns around the team and the other supervisor and their ability to function properly without me there and my manager hascome up with an intensive training plan for those that need it.

That's good news @FriskyHeeler I'm glad solutions have been found

Well done. Good result.

( and thanks for coming back and updating).

Well done. Great solution. You are clearly valued. Use this as a jumping off point to improve some of the other issues you are facing. You are clearly very competent.

Excellent news @FriskyHeeler !

Sounds like it went about as well as it possibly could have done. Great that you have a solution that works for you and your employer.

Thanks for updating

Sounds positive

Well done. Sounds like some real progress has been made.