AIBU to wonder what work are expecting me to do?

[FriskyHeeler]

I've worked at my current employer for 3 years and recently had a change in circumstances (in February) which means I have no childcare for my 3 children after school for 1-2 days out of the week. They have been understanding and accomodated my needs so far but have asked me to look at what realistic options are available and have called a meeting for next week to discuss, as the situation is not sustainable long term. I'll outline the facts below, please read carefully because it's not as simple a solution as most people seem to think.

• I work 8.30 - 5pm Monday to Friday and it takes me 30 mins to get to and from work.
• My husband works 8 - 4.30 Monday to Friday, his office is an hour away and he works from home on Thursdays and Fridays. Soon to be 3 days a week. He used to work nights, so would drop off and pick up the kids each day, however the strain on family life, our relationship, his mental health was not sustainable and he had numerous breakdowns over a long period of time and he changed jobs. Not ideal but I won't make my husband do a job he hated when it made him want to kill himself every day. He can be quite volatile and in the past this has affected work when he last left for periods of time so I've been left to sort the kids 100% of the time, at times. Work know things are rocky and my line manager thinks I should leave him but this would only make the situation more difficult.
• Our kids are 3, 5 & 9. The 3 & 5 year olds attend the same school/nursery and the 9 year old attends a different school.
• 2 out of the 3 kids have special needs and are settled in their schools. They previously attended the same primary school but had serious issues so we had to move them.
• Both schools have breakfast club, 1 starts at 7.50 and the other at 8.10, this obviously means I am often 10 mins late to work on the days they are in club.
• Neither school has ANY after school provision.
• We unfortunately live in an area where wrap around care isn't in demand, so options are pretty non existent.
• There are no childminders in the area that currently or are willing to pick up from either/both of their schools.
• Their are a couple of local nurseries that do after school club and they collect the kids from school and walk back to their premises. 1 of my kids is a flight risk so I do not feel comfortable with this as an option. He has escaped and ran off from his old school twice before.
• We cannot afford a nanny, prices are between £15 - 20 and hour when I have enquired and tbh, given my kids additional needs, I don't think anyone would last a week with them, they are VERY full on.
• My dad can collect the kids 1 day a week at an absolute push but it's his only day off and if he has plans it's not a given he can do it, I don't expect him to plan his life around MY kids. My dad works the other 4 days a week and my mom doesn't work but has stopped driving for health reasons so cannot pick them up and she is not physically able to walk/get the bus etc and as previously stated, 1 of them is a flight risk and she wouldnt be able to run after him if needed. A taxi for her to pick them up and go back to hers would be far too expensive multiple times a week as she has done this once before in an emergency and it was £30 for one pick up, let alone 2.
• There are no other parents at either of their schools that we know well enough to ask. We have no other friends or family in the area at all, aside from my mom and dad.
• So far, on days where my husband is in the office, I finish work at 14:40, pick up the kids from school and then log on at home for the remainder of the day, sometimes beyond 5pm.
• I am a supervisor and our team is growing and I will be responsible for up to 12 people eventually so work are saying I cannot effectively supervise if I am not in the office. We also have a lot of new team members (one being another supervisor) who are not fully trained so things tend to fall to shit a lot of them time if I am not there.
• Not to toot my own horn but i am the glue that holds the entire team together, and effectively, if I were to leave because I need more long term flexibility, they would be absolutely fucked. My line manager and our department manager knows this all too well, but are still pressuring me to find some magical solution that doesn't exist so I can be there 8.30-5 every single day. They've not said they will get rid of me, and I don't think they would, but they're saying I need to work my hours I am employed to do. I agree with this and have no issues with that, I've often said I will taken leave, take the time unpaid etc and they have always said no.
• I could put in a flexible working request to reduce my hours 1-2 days a week, but it would actually be a waste of time, as they can and would refuse it for a legitimate business reason.

I don't know what to do or what I'm supposed to say during this meeting. If you've thought of something I haven't explored above then please please let me know. I'm obviously going to explain all of the above in detail about what I've looked into and why it's not a viable option and see what they say. I'm also considering telling them I'm looking else where for something more flexible in the hope that they back down, but I don't actually want to leave, I really do enjoy working there and don't want to jump ship and end up being somewhere I don't like, or having to take a pay cut that I can't really afford.

Ok, can you clarify 'fucked' here?

Are you actually saying that without you working there, the company will fold and go into administration?

If not, then they'll manage.

Just as most companies right around the world manage to continue when an employee leaves.

Did they have to close temporarily when you were on maternity leave?

I have two children with ASD, both in special school. I am one of very few mothers at my sons’ schools who work and it’s only possible for the following reasons:

Work are flexible and understanding
I have a proper husband who is an equal parent
We can afford an after school nanny (who is the glue that keeps us together).

Any one of those things not being in place would make work nearly impossible.

Why can you not wfh some afternoons? Do part time/remote/hybrid roles in your field exist?

So DH can extend his 2 day WFH arrangement to 3 days shortly and you just need a solution for the other 2 days. One you said your dad could do at a push - if he could do this once a fortnight it would mean you needing the flex to leave at 14:40 3/10ths of the time rather than 3/5ths. Might that be a big enough compromise for your employers?

But he has made adjustments, he's negotiated 2-3 days working from home (due to the distance and kids) but the compromise is he's there in person, 8-4.30 for 2 days a week.

You need to show what you have posted in your original post to your employer so they can see why you are struggling so much (maybe not all the personal stuff about your husband).

And I think realistically you need to except the afterschool club with the nursery, seems by far the best solution. I'd assume they have dealt with many flight risk kids before.

Or, if work can't rearrange your hours to something like 9-2:30 four days a week or something, you'll have to quit work.

Unfortunately, contrary to what some people like to say, you can't have it all - perfect husband, perfect childcare, perfect ever available mum and perfect enjoyable career.

Sorry things are so tough.

By fucked, I mean that stuff won't get done, no one will know what they're doing, we won't be able to deliver to our customers. This is in our department only, not company wide so no, they won't fold and go into administration. But we're a very niche department so it's not like other staff from other departments could just come and step in. Without explaining the whole company and what we do, it won't make sense.

Surely you can do 9-5 without the entire process collapsing? Then you could do all the morning drop offs. Then if your husband and parents can take care of the afternoons, you are sorted.

On a practical note, do you get dla? Thst would help to pay for specialist childcare. When does your youngest start school? Nursery fees will be gone then.

If you do get pushed into leaving, try to negotiate gardening leave to give you time to job hunt. It does sound like it is time to start job hunting, surely this is too much for a supervisor level. The work from home hub is a good place to look if you need to be working from home more.

Maybe time to look around for a new job, and/or either you or your husband reduce your hours.

I hate to burst your bubble OP but you are not indispensable to your employer- they’ll train the other supervisor up and get the team to pull together while you go part time.

If I were you I‘d prioritise my kids for a few years and then return to full time work when they’re older.

It's really hard.
I think an after school nanny might work, but if you can't find one maybe a mix of flexible working requests from you and your DH?
Your team need to be able to cope without you- what happens now if you are on annual leave? Or sick? I think they need to address cover regardless.

Can you put the kids who are not a flight risk in after school club as it might make WFH easier if there are fewer kids around?

Drop your hours to 30 and work 9am -3pm

OK, my first point is: a nanny at £15- £20 per hr is remarkably cheap. I pay my cleaner more than that and taking care of children carries far greater responsibility. Plus that rate for more than one child makes it even more brilliant! It’s simply not true to say that it’s more than you can afford because you’re only paying for wraparound care outside the ‘free’ care you get while they’re in school/ nursery. (BTW I know school isn’t childcare, I’m just making the point that there is no charge during the majority of the day for you.) Even if you and your dh are both on NMW, you’ll earn more between you for every hour the nanny works!

Also you and your dh must be entitled to at least 28 days annual leave per year. Thats the minimum legally. So that’s 56 days between you, ie; just over 11 weeks. I’m not suggesting you never take leave together because of course family time is important. But you can take some of it separately which would cover most of the school holidays between you.

i hear what you’re saying that the logistics are tricky to work out- but that’s the same for everyone who works and has kids, particularly if they have additional needs. However, speaking from my perspective - when I had kids there was 12 weeks paid maternity leave, no subsidised childcare hours and barely any breakfast clubs or wraparound care - your situation is not unique. Sometimes you just have to throw money at the situation to make it work. Childcare took up all my net pay for several years - but it was worth it long term to remain in my career.

I honestly don’t see how, given that you’ll get a lot of free hours for the 3 years old, plus the older kids only need wraparound care, you can claim that you can’t afford the sort of personalised childcare you need. Yes, it’ll cost more than an after school club or getting your dad to pick them up - but it is what it is. If you want to remain in your work role, then I would throw money at finding a solution. Over time it gets easier as the kids get older. Then wait until university years and it’s like paying childcare again if they don’t get the full maintenance loan. Yeap, we had 3 children too - it doesn’t come cheap.

Agreed. They are starting to formalise these discussions and want a resolution. You can feel smug about your position all you like but no one is indispensable and they know what you do and want to address it formally anyway.

OP you said that they are making the details of your life their issue by calling this meeting. No, they want it resolved and again don’t care about why.

Moving on to childcare since you have dismissed every option you expect that your employers will give in because it doesnt woe for you. It doesn’t work like that. You need to sort it out.

Wrap around care, your husband being more flexible, a change to your contract (sound alike it will be denied) , a nanny, new job, move etc are all options.

I also didn't work for them whilst I was on maternity leave. I have never been off sick myself either.

I've been off when my kids have been sick or when they've needed to be picked up due to behaviour issues etc. And I've worked from home at that time.

My line manager steps in, but frankly, she is difficult to work for, micromanages everyone and generates more unnecessary work for everyone, she cannot be reasoned with and it just makes life hard. I am the "buffer" between her and the team so if I am not there she sticks her nose in, pisses everyone off.

To be frank op, all your circumstances are a load of irrelevent waffle that I skipped past.

You need to work your hours. If you can't, put in an official flexible working reqiest. If that's declined, resign, or prepare to be possibly let go. That's it.

I agree with a pp who said don't attend that meeting with a huge specific list of reasons why you can't possibly manage what all the other employees manage. Good grief...you'd be bringing all the drama x 10, they'd be glad to see the back of you.

So you've got no problem then, have you?

Just walk in, tell them you're indispensable and why and they'll have to give you want you want 🤷‍♂️

Or they may roll their eyes hard enough to detach a retina.

I think that you simply don't see the gap between your own perception and the reality of running a business.

It sounds harsh, but from a HR and operational standpoint, the logistics of how an employee gets to their desk is their responsibility. They have already been understanding, two months is very generous. By calling this meeting, your company is signaling that the grace period is over. You cannot effectively manage a team while wrangling three children. Trust me, no one is indispensable.

The children have a father. Your employer isn't paying for your husband’s mental health stability, they are paying for you to supervise a team during business hours. Which you are not doing.

If I were your manager and you hinted at "looking elsewhere," I would actually probably be relieved, because then I would have the budget to hire someone new. And honestly, a supervisor who can only work until 2:30 PM is going to find it incredibly difficult to find a comparable role elsewhere. If I really wanted to keep you, I would offer you a formal demotion with fewer direct reports and a salary decrease.

See it from their perspective: they can't set a precedent where supervisors work 60% of the day for 100% of the pay while the team suffers.

Sounds to me like they're going to have to suck it up. Leaving 3 days a week at 14.40 isn't the end of the world, and you clearly are doing a great job. Soon it'll be 2 days a week.

If they have a high staff turnover, they can't expect miracles from their good staff or they'll be shooting themselves in the foot.

One solution you could give them is that they pay for a nanny. Because realistically, that's the only sort of childcare that will enable you to stay at work. And you'd have to find an absolute gem who would be at the more expensive end of the scale.

Good luck. It's so hard, and you're doing your best.

If your children are disabled then you can access extra suport for childcare whilst you are working. You need to contact your local council and ask for a carers needs assessment. They can give extra funding to after school or breakfast clubs to provide extra support for your children or you can get a small amount per hour towards an after school nanny.

OP.

You are going to need to figure out the childcare, with your husband's and father's support.

We did it so that either myself or husband did drop off, the other did pick ups. We booked the kids into whatever clubs or support were going and paid for it.

It's tough, but that or change job.

I think you need to condense it down in to what you can do, not what you can't.

So focus on
On x days I can work x hours
On x day I need to finish at x time
And see if your work pattern can be adjusted accordingly

You cannot work from home and supervise 3 children as sole adult at the same time, sorry, but you just can't. There are health and safety implications, also you would not be goving 100% either to work or your children.

Squirrelchops1 makes a great suggestion

Im a bit confused
Your DH can do the three days he is WFH
Yourr DF one day
That leaves one day-either you pay for a nanny or you ask if you can flex your hours
I dont get what all the drama is about ?

How much time do you and your DH take for lunch breaks?

Why do so many people live in areas with no childcare? Do you not explore these things before having a family or making decisions on schools?

If your children are so difficult to take care of, how can you possibly look after them while you are working? You say you collect from school and log back on, but is this the part your work have an issue with?