AIBU to stop taking my children to in-laws after they almost got daughter run over?

[If123]

My in-laws left their gate open and almost got my 2year old run over.
we don’t have a garden so regularly take our dd to my in laws to let her play. Because it was Easter my mil was doing lunch so hubbys gran and bother with his partner are also there. We’ve had a nice day dd has done an Easter egg hunt. It gets to the time to leave and unknown to me fil has opened the gates on to the main A road but hasn’t actually told anyone. Dd is running round with dolly pram in the house and hubby has gone to find changing mat. I am holding our new baby- I’ve had an emergency C-section 6 weeks ago and had a rough recovery so I’m not going anywhere fast.

At this point dd bolts out the door and through gate with dolly pram and into 50mph traffic. Sil runs after to stop the traffic so she doesn’t get hit. By some miracle the cars stop in time and she’s okay thanks to sil. I’m now across the road with sil dd and still holding newborn. In laws do nothing to help- perhaps also in shock. We manage to come back across the road and I’m shouting demanding to know who opened the gates. Fil lies to my face in a childlike wasn’t me and tells me to calm down. In response I have said don’t tell me to calm down my child could have been killed. Hubby stands there and says nothing. I say right we are going and go inside to put baby in car seat. Mil then follows me in and says to me ‘thing is everyone else has been watching your child this afternoon and you haven’t and thats why this has happened’. I wait for hubby to stand up for me or say anything and nothing. I thought maybe he might say that i had been feeding the baby or mention the double standard that his mum had given him now trouble for not watching dd but no. Tell mil she’s being spiteful and we leave.

I am extremely upset about the whole situation. Mil has text me the day after saying she feels bad and they will be more careful with the gate in future. She also says that it’s sil fault that door was open and dd could get out of the house- this is nonsense as the door was being opened and closed to pack things. She says fil had a turn earlier in the day and was being forgetful and didn’t remember at the time if he had opened the gate. I can’t bring myself to respond to mil text she has also tried calling which I have ignored.

AIBU to want to cut contact and make no effort with in laws. I don’t want dd going there until she is old enough to understand road safety more. I suggested to hubby he could meet up with them somewhere else or they come to our house. Im not sure if the relationship is reparable for me since I’m already feeling not my best after C-section recovery and feel like she’s kicked me while I’m down. Hubby says he will still take kids there without me if I’ve got a problem with it. I don’t really know how to move forward.

Jesus. YADNBU

You are totally overreacting.
The child is YOURS and your responsibility, so it's 100% yours and your husband's fault she ran off.
Or more realistically, it's actually one of those unfortunate occurrences where no ONE person is culpable and it's just a heart-stopping accident.
You owe your in-laws a massive apology.

Funny how MIL blamed you and not your DH. And your DH didn’t say anything. What a wimp. I agree with you. My kids wouldn’t be going to the ILs for a while.

Sorry OP you’ve very much got a DH issue. He should have been keeping an eye on DD knowing you had the newborn.

This is all on you and your DH.

TBH everyone had a shock and thankfully your daughter had a lucky escape but no I wouldn’t place the blame squarely on your PIL when there sounds like there were plenty of adults including her dad around to be watching her

Your DH is also a massive dick!
•He didn’t stick up for his DD who was nearly killed
•He didn’t stick up for you when his own mum wrongly had a go at you and now he’s threatening to take the kids AGAIN if you don’t want to go - when the entire reason you don’t want to go, is out of concern for the kids safety! You have a DH problem.

I have a garden which has a gate onto a 20mph road. I never take my eyes off my kids in the garden. If I left them out there temporarily I would padlock the gate first. It is absolutely your responsibility.

HOWEVER, the lying and gaslighting from your in-laws is also unacceptable. But your MIL has apologised, so accept the apology.

In future, watch your child at all times in the garden. This may mean that going to visit the in-laws is less appealing/visits are shorter - that's life. But a total overreaction to cut them off!

I think YABU

Ita your child and your responsibility to watch her. Two year olds aren’t super fast and six weeks on from a c section you could have been out with her watching. Or your husband needed to be doing this and you both should have communicated.

You MIL is right. You are taking out your fear on what could have happened on other people who aren’t responsible for your child.

I think it’s the immediate defensiveness and lack of mortified apology from your in-laws that would be the deal breaker for me. I’d have to tell them how the situation and their reaction made me feel and see how they respond, and base my future relationship on that.

What, you and your husband were there?

No. It’s on you two. She’s your child.

When you know there are small children in the house, you don’t leave a gate open for the children to wander out of! Especially if that gate leads to a busy main road!

I highly suspect if they’d been apologetic or showed concern, your reaction in the aftermath would have been different.
but their lying and rudeness has made it all worse.

if DH is adamant he will be taking the kids there, I would ensure I’m there every time, to make sure it doesn’t happen again. Your DH hasn’t had your back or stood up for himself so I wouldn’t be able to trust him there without me!

Where was your DH? Sorry, but this is on him if you were unable to move. Your child’s safety is first and foremost yours and your husband ‘s responsibility.

Unfortunately, other people who are not used to watching small children are oblivious and cannot be relied upon in a group setting.

ETA it seems that that retaliation of your parents in law has fallen back on you, rather than them pointing the finger at their son. He should have held his hands up but you’re all to blame in some way.

It’s for you and your DH to watch your DD at all times.

Dont know who all these people are saying that YABU. Your two year old could have been killed.
For me the real issue is that they have taken no responsibility and been downright nasty. Their reaction doesnt make me feel like they would be more vigilant next time.
Your husband lack of support is also really hurtful. I wouldn't want to take my children there again but would be worried if I wasn't there to keep them safe.

Terrifying incident but I wonder if it was one of those occasions where there were several supposedly competent adults around but nobody had actually been named as the one really watching your daughter.

You MIL is right. You are taking out your fear on what could have happened on other people who aren’t responsible for your child.

This. You had a scare. Of course you did. But you're reacting in the wrong way. Accept it happened, be grateful she's ok, and realize that others were scared too so it's incredibly unlikely to happen again.

My sister completely abdicates responsibility for her kids when she’s with us/my parents. Then complains when something happens. It’s annoying. Clearly your MIL thinks so too.

I think you had an awful shock and am thankful that your SIL was there to rescue your daughter from the road traffic.

But I feel that your anger is misdirected.

No one was supervising your daughter.
The responsibility for that lies firmly with her parents. You and your husband.

No matter whose house you are at, or where you are, you cannot assume that in laws or cousins or siblings or grandparents will be supervising your child.

I think you are wrong to blame FIL for opening the gate. It would have been fine if you or your husband had been supervising your daughter.

You & DH should know that a toddler is capable of opening and going outdoors- if you’d didn’t before this, you do now and you both need to keep a closer eye on her and take steps to ensure she knows not to go outside without either of you. If she’s a toddler that thinks it’s funny to zoom off then you would not send DH to find a changing pad while you nursed. There are two of you and two children, this means 1 of you is with 1 child all the time in a situation like this.

This is a good wake up call that you’ve been too relaxed. The future holds swimming pools, rivers, the seaside, all sorts of hazards and you cannot take your eyes off them for a second.

Wtf was your husband doing?

You were sitting there holding your newborn. Your husband should have been watching your 2 year old.

Your husband doesn't have your back or your kids' safety in mind. Plus he's an asshole. He sat there while his mother yelled at you when he dropped the ball on his kids' safety.

What are these "turns" your FIL is having? Is he having TIAs or memory loss? Their home might not be a safe place for a darty 2 year old whose dad isn't watching her.

YABU.

First of all, “they” didn’t do anything. Your FIL did, but you’re accusing MIL too.

Second, they didn’t nearly “get” her run over. It was an accident not some kind of deliberate act or a dare , or a chase into the road.

Third , you and your DH are responsible for your kids. Yes, MIL was a cow for blaming only you and DH a dick for not standing up for you, but that doesn’t change the fact that you both should be supervising your kid. Are you angry at DH for nearly getting her run over because he wasn’t watching her?

It was an accident and it sounds like your FIL might be struggling health wise. Everyone had a shock and reacted in less than ideal ways. Your MIL apologised. They should be more mindful, but so should you and your DH.

Her running out into the road is one of those unfortunate ‘classic’ situations where there’s lots of adults to watch over a child but not a designated person 1:1 watching. It’s how you hear horror stories about kids drowning in a pool with lots of adults around, each momentarily distracted and assuming someone else in that moment is supervising.

However, FIL failure to own up to his mistake and more importantly MIL awful remark when you’re recovering from major abdominal surgery and looking after a newborn would make me want to go low contact.

I would be so upset. You’ve had surgery 6 weeks ago, you are NOT the one to be running around after a toddler. And you are holding a newborn. Husband should have been watching but he probably wanted a break and presumed in laws would be. The way your MIL talked to you makes me feel sick.

hubby has gone to find changing mat

Appears both were focussed on the newborn and forgot they have a PFB running around.

If the door is open due to loading the car, I would be making 100% certain who is supervising your 2yo. My parents live on a main road and we have a similar issue when time to leave and load the car, but I would make sure my older one was safely looked after and I know who has eyes on her, and that they know we are going outside.