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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to Be Angry With Co-Parent’s Partner?

255 replies

SnowyPolarBear9 · 09/04/2026 11:51

For context; same sex parents to one child. Co-parent is now with someone else (also same sex) and they’ve been together for approx 4 1/2 years.

My 9yo son recently told some fibs about co-parent’s partner suggesting/recommending films and series to him that were age rated 12 and 15. The rule is with me that if something has an age rating, he’s not allowed to watch it until he is 1 year younger (e.g age rating 12 he can’t watch until he’s 11).

Our son was spoken to by both of us (parents) about the situation and the seriousness of telling fibs etc. However my son has later told me that co-parent’s partner spoke to him on the phone about it, and said she wouldn’t be seeing him for a number of weeks because of the fibs he had told and that he had to stop them for her to see him again.

AIBU to be fuming with this? 😡

Firstly, for anyone to impose this type of punishment where they refuse to see the child I find absolutely disgusting. But she’s also not a big part of his life, co-parent and her partner don’t live together and the time co-parent’s partner spends with/sees my son is minimal. In the 4 and 1/2 years she’s been around, I think he’s spent overnight with her once.

I’m so upset by this as based on their dynamic and admittedly low-involvement relationship, I just don’t appreciate her “punishing” him. Plus, even if it was someone extremely close to him, I’d be appalled at such a cruel approach!

I’m trying to draft a message to the co-parent about it but I just can’t get my thoughts out properly in writing and I also want to know if I’m being unreasonable!

Thanks in advance 🙌🏻

OP posts:
crowfollower · 09/04/2026 11:56

No, she is dead right. He needs repercussions for telling lies. This could be detrimental for her. What lies will he make up next? Good on her for taking this approach. If she doesn't see him, she cannot make up lies about her to make her look bad. Exactly the consequence he needs.

worldshottestmom · 09/04/2026 11:56

I think you first need to address why your 9 year old son is telling lies in the first place that could have implications on the adults life.

Badgersandfoxes · 09/04/2026 11:59

Nope. I’m with her. She’s right.

BudgetBuster · 09/04/2026 12:00

I think you need to stop and consider her in this..."fib". Your child MADE UP LIES about this person. While they might be small now, if not nipped in the bud immediately your child's LIES will grow arms and legs which can be very damaging to this person.

So yes, your child need repercussions. And if you can't be arsed, that's fine, but don't expect the person whose life and reputation he might damage to stand by and let it happen.

SimonWigglesBaratoneVoice · 09/04/2026 12:03

I don't blame her. You're downplaying what he did, and now you're anger is entirely directed at her over saying she doesn't want to be near a child telling lies about her.

Besides which it's a bit of a stupid rule anyway imo. Surely you just take each film on its merits rather than give a blanket "one year before the age rating says", i genuinely don't get the point in that at all.

JHound · 09/04/2026 12:05

SnowyPolarBear9 · 09/04/2026 11:51

For context; same sex parents to one child. Co-parent is now with someone else (also same sex) and they’ve been together for approx 4 1/2 years.

My 9yo son recently told some fibs about co-parent’s partner suggesting/recommending films and series to him that were age rated 12 and 15. The rule is with me that if something has an age rating, he’s not allowed to watch it until he is 1 year younger (e.g age rating 12 he can’t watch until he’s 11).

Our son was spoken to by both of us (parents) about the situation and the seriousness of telling fibs etc. However my son has later told me that co-parent’s partner spoke to him on the phone about it, and said she wouldn’t be seeing him for a number of weeks because of the fibs he had told and that he had to stop them for her to see him again.

AIBU to be fuming with this? 😡

Firstly, for anyone to impose this type of punishment where they refuse to see the child I find absolutely disgusting. But she’s also not a big part of his life, co-parent and her partner don’t live together and the time co-parent’s partner spends with/sees my son is minimal. In the 4 and 1/2 years she’s been around, I think he’s spent overnight with her once.

I’m so upset by this as based on their dynamic and admittedly low-involvement relationship, I just don’t appreciate her “punishing” him. Plus, even if it was someone extremely close to him, I’d be appalled at such a cruel approach!

I’m trying to draft a message to the co-parent about it but I just can’t get my thoughts out properly in writing and I also want to know if I’m being unreasonable!

Thanks in advance 🙌🏻

I think the co-parent’s partner is bang out of order. Not their child. Anything like this should be left to you and the other partner.

It’s fine for her not to see the child for a bit but if she does not live with your ex then no need to communicate to your child. It should all have been left to the other parent.

Shallotsaresmallonions · 09/04/2026 12:06

I wouldn't see a child that told lies about me to their parents either. That's a risky situation to be in. I don't blame her and your son now knows that his actions will have consequences.

BudgetBuster · 09/04/2026 12:07

JHound · 09/04/2026 12:05

I think the co-parent’s partner is bang out of order. Not their child. Anything like this should be left to you and the other partner.

It’s fine for her not to see the child for a bit but if she does not live with your ex then no need to communicate to your child. It should all have been left to the other parent.

Edited
Show quote history

It's the 3rd party who is the one whose life and reputation can be ruined by the lies about child makes up. Clearly the OP doesn't care about that so yeah, I see why they needed to take matters into their own hand. Presumably the other co-parent is on board with this approach anyway.

hazelberry · 09/04/2026 12:09

I think she's right to put some space between them for a while. Your DS obviously has an issue with your Ex's partner which needs resolving between you and your Ex.

I don't think she is punishing him, just distancing herself from the situation for a while.

TeenToTwenties · 09/04/2026 12:09

I think co-parents partner has every right to not want to be with a child who tells lies about them. A 'bigger' lie could have serious repercussions. Why should they take the risk?
This isn't about punishing the child. It is the nonrelated adult protecting themselves from false accusations.

Zanatdy · 09/04/2026 12:10

Sorry but I think its reasonable for her to say that, given he is lying about her. You and his father need to address why he feels the need to do that, but he certainly needs consequences for his actions and I think its fair enough tbh.

socks1107 · 09/04/2026 12:11

She’s right. I found myself in this situation and the lies got bigger and bigger and eventually included all of us. She’s right to keep her distance and he is right to understand why

curious79 · 09/04/2026 12:12

FWIW I think you're being unreasonable - he lied so being ignored is a reasonable consequence. Kids who lie about adults can get them in a lot of serious trouble. But even if you were being reasonable, the idea that you waste any energy writing emails / letters etc to someone else who has little to do with your DS anyway is the pointless bit. As a parent, when you split, you can't always control the circumstances in which the other parent puts the child in, the people they are exposed to etc etc. Save your energy for the battles that are worth fighting

Tessasanderson · 09/04/2026 12:13

I am worried you have got so angry at someone who has done nothing wrong. Is this something you are going to carry through their schooling? Poor teachers.

Your child lied.
Your ex partners partner (TBH it could be anyone caught in the crosshairs tbh) has made it clear they will not be dragged into situations involving your child.
You have fully justified this response by getting so angry about it rather than seeing it as the sensible response.

My guess is there is a LOT of other stuff between you and your ex that this person is dealing with constantly and they have decided the best way to deal with things is to remove themselves from situations that involve.....you.

RoyalPenguin · 09/04/2026 12:13

I'm on the fence on this one. I can see why the partner would feel very uncomfortable about your child telling lies about them - they can probably imagine a far more serious situation in which this could have been very problematic for them - and hence want to step back from spending time with your child. But I agree with you they could have just done this quietly and not made it into a 'punishment' for your child.

McSpoot · 09/04/2026 12:18

I’m confused about the relationship. On one hand, they never see each other but on the other they’ve had phone conversations that neither parent hears/was part of and she was in a position where they could have let your son watch a movie without either parent knowing about it.

BudgetBuster · 09/04/2026 12:18

RoyalPenguin · 09/04/2026 12:13

I'm on the fence on this one. I can see why the partner would feel very uncomfortable about your child telling lies about them - they can probably imagine a far more serious situation in which this could have been very problematic for them - and hence want to step back from spending time with your child. But I agree with you they could have just done this quietly and not made it into a 'punishment' for your child.

But if it's not communicated to the child... how does the child know it was wrong and not to do it again?

The only one who has used the word punishment is the OP who is spiralling instead of actually parenting.

Arlanymor · 09/04/2026 12:20

If she's not 'a big part of his life' - then it's not a massive consequence is it?

Have you dealt with the lying already and, if so, how? You talk about punishment but she's just creating a bit of space isn't she?

It's so bloody hard for non-parents to navigate the waters - did you make him apologise? Someone should have, if not you then your former partner.

MrsBennetsPoorNervesAreBack · 09/04/2026 12:20

It sounds like she is trying to protect herself against unfounded allegations from your dc. This time it was about age ratings on TV programmes. Who knows what it might be next time?! I would certainly want to distance myself in that situation.

Of course, there was the option that she just quietly disappear from your DS's life for a while, but perhaps she thought it would be wrong to effectively just "ghost" him, and she probably believed that explaining her decision was the right thing to do.

Would you prefer that she had just stayed away from him without any explanation? Or do you think she should carry on as if nothing has happened, despite the false allegations that were made against her and the likely fear that she may be subjected to more.

Your ds will hopefully have learnt a valuable lesson - if you make up lies about people, they may not want to be around you.

SummerInSun · 09/04/2026 12:21

It’s not a punishment, it’s a natural consequence of his behaviour. Look at it this way - if he told lies about a friend at school that got or might have gotten the friend into trouble with the teacher, it is highly likely that the friend wouldn’t want to play with him again for quite a while. In a sense, it’s better that he’s learning this lesson in a fairly safe and controlled way from an adult rather than in the brutal way the playground would teach it.

Reassurancells · 09/04/2026 12:22

She’s spot on. I wouldn’t be seeing him either.

JHound · 09/04/2026 12:22

BudgetBuster · 09/04/2026 12:07

It's the 3rd party who is the one whose life and reputation can be ruined by the lies about child makes up. Clearly the OP doesn't care about that so yeah, I see why they needed to take matters into their own hand. Presumably the other co-parent is on board with this approach anyway.

Show quote history

We disagree. That’s fine.

SentFromIpheon · 09/04/2026 12:23

Oh great. Another thread where another mum to a son enables their sons shitty behaviour.

JustAnotherWhinger · 09/04/2026 12:23

Given he’s already lied about the partner are you 100% sure this is an accurate version of events?

Ideally it should have been communicated to the child with or via the co-parent but the partner is well within their rights to protect themselves from the child’s lies.

noidea69 · 09/04/2026 12:24

MrsBennetsPoorNervesAreBack · 09/04/2026 12:20

It sounds like she is trying to protect herself against unfounded allegations from your dc. This time it was about age ratings on TV programmes. Who knows what it might be next time?! I would certainly want to distance myself in that situation.

Of course, there was the option that she just quietly disappear from your DS's life for a while, but perhaps she thought it would be wrong to effectively just "ghost" him, and she probably believed that explaining her decision was the right thing to do.

Would you prefer that she had just stayed away from him without any explanation? Or do you think she should carry on as if nothing has happened, despite the false allegations that were made against her and the likely fear that she may be subjected to more.

Your ds will hopefully have learnt a valuable lesson - if you make up lies about people, they may not want to be around you.

100% this, they are worried about anything else untrue being said about them.