DIL said I’m a pathetic excuse of a mother

[LonelyMIL]

DIL called me a pathetic excuse of a mother and said I should be ashamed of myself.

Son wont talk to me in months now

AIBU thinking there’s no reason ever to be this horrible to your mother in law who is just trying to have a relationship

OP, it’s very obvious you’re lonely, especially as you now live alone and it’s difficult for you to travel without help. But your son has his own life now and he needs to be able to live it. That’s not to say he should never see you again, but he needs to prioritise his own life and wife too, whilst trying to keep a relationship with you. And that’s a big ask on him when you’re disabled and have needs, but he can’t be the one always fulfilling those needs.

And none of that is your DIL’s fault. It’s not her fault that your son is now living his life. It’s not her fault that she is close to her mum. I suspect you wish you had a similar relationship with your daughter and you don’t, and it’s painful to see someone else have what you desperately want, but you were warned on the thread - carry on behaving like this and you will lose them, and that’s exactly what has happened.

@LonelyMIL What I would say is that if you are apologising without acknowledging or believing what they say you have done, then that is not an apology and that would do my head in too

You aren't really giving us anything to go on here so lets take it step by step. Regardless of what YOU believe happened. what did your son say happened at the time he said he was no longer talking to you? Forget what you think may have happened, what did he say?

Honestly, OP stop begging. I know
there are always many sides to a story. But you still have a relationship with one child and a grandchild. Build on that and be the best version of yourself and be strong, kind and loving to yourself and others. You haven’t given
many details, but I froze when I read the you had been told you would be banned from seeing your future grandchild. Weaponising children, unless there are safety issues, is cruel and I wouldn’t want to be part of that circus.

It's interesting that you talk about sacrifice. I was a single parent and there were definitely things I didn't do or have because my child was my priority. I never once thought of it as a sacrifice. Did you tell him you had made sacrifices for him?

Nothing. There is no such thing as missong.

You remind me very much of my auntie who has a diagnosed personality disorder. Her version of reality is so removed from the truth. You sound very like her. Have you ever been diagnosed with a mental health condition?

You are on your own at Christmas because you simply do not understand relationships and you behave in ways that shows that and are contrary to healthy, working relationships.

My son is autistic and yesterday my husband sat for an hour with him reading social stories about how healthy relationships should work. I do the same type of work with him regularly. He has social deficits and he needs to be explicitly taught this type of thing. It is our responsibility as parents to teach it to him. It is not the responsibility of children to teach appropriate relationships to their parents.

You don’t get it so now you have the have responsibility to learn this stuff yourself. There is plenty, plenty of stuff out there you can read or listen to audiobooks of and learn. How to be a warming, caring, responsive parent even with disabilities. Your children are not responsible for your lacking in this domain. That is on your side of the fence.

OP your daughter doesn't talk to you either and your son will have told your DIL his childhood experiences that have formed her opinion of you. You were perhaps not as good as mother as you seem to believe. It's a very strong reaction to cut a parent or an in law off, I have done it and whilst I accept there may be situations where it isn't justified, most of the time it is and given this has come from 2 of your children and how vague you are being around the specifics my guess is that they are justified.

I can't find any of your previous threads, maybe someone can link to them?

From your posts on this thread, it sounds like there's an element of enmeshment in your family dynamics with your children.

Can you share some examples that your daughter in law gave as to why she thinks you're a bad parent?

They want her to stop being needy, comparing her relationship with her son against DIL with her mother. Stop ringing late at night, stop watching waiting on things find offensive. Basically to stop causing a wedge.
OP let him go.

I think OP is getting a hard time here, and I have read the previous threads.
An experienced family therapist would need to help here, and then only if everyone participated.
There are women on here who have been advised to leave a home if they are being abused, even if there are older children who choose to stay with the father.
It is a very complex dynamic.
I have seen a similar situation where the DIL had no dad, her mum was like two parents. Her new husband then became her world, and his own parents were frozen out.
Looking at Facebook is not helping OP. Her dynamic with her own family is different, they are not going to put up gushing posts.
OP has mentioned she has friends and sisters nearby - it’s time to make the most of her own life as this situation is like picking a scab.
It seems the DS feels he was the child stuck looking after his mum and feels aggrieved.
Hence the comments.
It is sad for everyone involved.

"He's in his 60s now and has undiagnosed autism." How do you know he has autism if it hasn't been diagnosed?

Who cares for you now?

Ah, I was wondering if this was the poster who was annoyed because her DIL buys her mum nice mother day presents and her son just gives her a card and a takeaway?

There must be something for both of them to have that sort of reaction.

My mother on paper was a very good mother as well. The problem was all the behind the scenes and then (maybe similar to your situation) we got pushed into caring for her in our early 20s. It had serious, serious long term impact in my future.

Plus everyone has their own reactions. Your son might mellow once he experiences how hard parenting can be. My brother is childfree and I think that’s part of why he’s so dramatic about our childhood, he has no term of comparison. I know my mother’s faults (especially with me) but I can appreciate that she did her best, even if faulty.

I completely understand your scepticism. Who am I to diagnose my brother? I get it.

He precisely fits the textbook description of what used to be called Asperger's. There're 4 doctors among the cousins, one of whom is a consultant psychiatrist specialising in these kinds of disorders and we've all known him for 60 years. His life might have been much easier if it had been acknowledged early on.

I think the reality is OP that you've really struggled to accept that you aren't your son's first priority anymore, because you have been so reliant on him for companionship and care. You don't see your other children and they don't visit you, which must be very hurtful, but you're quick to make excuses for them because they have children. But even though he hasn't had children until now, your son has still had his own life which he should have been free to live. He clearly feels that he was pressured and manipulated into being your carer when, as one of five children, care should never have been solely his responsibility (especially at so young an age).

Your hatred of your daughter in law will only ever be an impediment to your relationship with your son. You see her as the reason your relationship with him has changed, as though without her he would have stayed at home and been your carer forever. That was always unrealistic. He was always going to seek independence and his own life at some point. You blame her for everything - how he treats you, the fact that he doesn't do as much for you on mothers' day as she does for her mum, for the estrangement. But really one could just as easily say she empowered him to choose his own life and prioritise his own wellbeing.

You clearly need support and companionship and help with certain tasks, but you could never reasonably expect your son to be the sole provider of those things. I think you need to reach out to the children you do still have a relationship with and ask them if they can share some of the care. They don't live so far away that they couldn't come and spend an afternoon with you every few weeks. Have you considered speaking to your GP about whether there is any support you could access to help with travel etc?

I don't know if your relationship with your son is salvageable but if you can truly stop blaming his wife for everything, stop resenting him for moving out and living his own life, and show him that you're taking steps to be less dependent on him and more understanding of his independence, then with a long period of respectful behaviour from you, there might be a way back for you to be on good terms again.

A fair chunk of users here claim a lot of undiagnosed something or other.

That's very sad. It's very hard being a young carer.

@LonelyMIL it can be helpful to remember that we can only control our reactions to other people's actions and sometimes have to accept that there's nothing we can do or say that will change how others behave towards us.

I'm not ready to believe you deserve what's happened, I can't see your previous threads but I imagine the history is complicated.

Focus on the relationships you do have, respect the boundaries your DIL and daughter have put in place, however painful. If you do so, it may be in time (years, not months) you're able to build upon the relationships you have.

One of the hardest things about being a parent is accepting that we can do everything right and our relationships with our children don't turn out the way we'd hoped. Acceptance is powerful, you're allowed to grieve.

I think counselling would be really helpful for you.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5360239-how-often-does-your-dil-visityou-visit-your-in-laws?page=1

@HotRootsAndNaughtyToots

These as well.

You obviously did something if you needed to apologise for it. If your son, daughter and DIL don’t want to be around you then you’re the issue, not your DIL. I bet my MIL (we are no contact) tells others that I’m the bad guy.

@DinosaurBlue thank you

Op gently, you're saying you've done nothing, then that you've apologised, then that you don't know why (which is not an apology).

You've said your dil has 'taken your sons side' and all of this really sounds like it's coming from him. But instead of looking at that you're focused on blaming her instead. Which would indeed sound like a victim mentality and lack of boundaries/accountability. You speak a lot about not being an addict. Which is great but... my mother was abusive and was also tee total so I'm not sure why your bar is that low? It's not exactly relevant..

It sounds like you've been over stepping here somehow, you've refused to take ownership of it and are blaming your dd for holding a boundary set by your son instead of really acknowledging this issue is with your son. When challenged on this (as above) you redirect back onto your dil which is manipulative and victim mentality again.

Op I'm going to suggest therapy. I wish my mother had been willing to do that to work through her issues for the sake of our relationship- that would have meant the world to me. Instead she won't and I'm in therapy to ensure I don't continue the pattern with my son.

Noone on here can tell you you've not behaved badly because we don't know you. All we know is that two people close to you are telling you you've hurt them and you're focused on how mean that was of them..

Two things really stand out to me from that whole thread. Firstly, that the OP has form for diminishing any perceived 'mistakes' on her part - there was a "minor" and "small" misunderstanding over money, for example.

Also, the OP really seems to struggle with boundaries and personal space, as her son has pointed out. In a thread about her DIL visiting once in a year, the OP decided that what she'd like to happen is weekly dinners. Not 'let's try and catch up soon', but a desire for a set commitment at a level to satisfy the OP, presumably with consequences if not upheld. I don't see my own parent once a week and certainly wouldn't be committing to a weekly ILs dinner!