DIL said I’m a pathetic excuse of a mother

[LonelyMIL]

DIL called me a pathetic excuse of a mother and said I should be ashamed of myself.

Son wont talk to me in months now

AIBU thinking there’s no reason ever to be this horrible to your mother in law who is just trying to have a relationship

Off topic, sorry....

Every story is different isn't it. My brother cut our Mum off for the last 17 years of her life, and it's universally agreed in family and friends that his reasons were spurious. Even my late Dad and his second wife tried hard to get him to open his mind to the idea of some sort of reconciliation, but he was immovable.

The nearest we've ever got to an explanation is that in the late 60s/early 70s Mum was a bra-burning feminist and "taught him that all men were shit", which I have to accept was his interpretation - totally inaccurate, but his "truth".

He's in his 60s now and has undiagnosed autism.

That thing does not exist in isolation. You seem to think that she should be judged entirely on that piece of information and that any context relating to your behaviour is irreleant

But she isn’t speaking to you, so how did she call you names?

Is he saying you have no boundaries because you're constantly phoning him up and expecting him to come round and do things for you? Like some kind of live out carer?

My MIL was like that, she was awfully manipulative and we moved far away and barely saw her as a result.

All I’m reading here is that you are an innocent victim in every scenario of your life, which cannot be true. I’d love to hear your kids’ side of things. BTW I’m chronically ill, as are many mums on here, and we manage to raise our children in loving and supportive homes.

My MiL is a lot like you, various ailments, all brought forward at certain flashpoints in her kids’ lives (graduation, engagement, weddings etc). We have been NC with her since 2013, along with her DDs, and even now she is incapable of taking ownership of her poor parenting decisions and neglect, all we hear is that she was ill, she was tired, she was overwhelmed. No sense of personal responsibility whatsoever. Our children are better off without her.

Does anyone have a link to the other thread?

You made a fuss over Mother’s Day and the brides wedding speech to her mother, Yes, he is correct you have no boundaries and a victim mentality. Find something else in your life.

@LonelyMIL I’m team DiL. Based on your posts, I agree with her assessment of you.

Get some therapy.

You’ve really projected your own version of events here.

Here’s the two I remember.

It’s apparent that OP is very lonely and unhappy that her son now has his own life, and also resents that her DiL is close to her own mother, so seems to blame her DiL for absolutely everything.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5332739-would-this-upset-you-mother-of-groom?page=1

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5289162-should-both-sets-of-parents-be-treated-the-same-on-mothers-day?page=1

Yes I have posted before but I cannot find the posts but I took advice from all of the posters on it I stopped ringing and I stopped asking him to come over and inviting them and would always text before I rang

i never tried to get involved with the wedding even though i would have loved to be included and go to chose he dress with her. I have done everything everyone suggested but it’s never good enough and any type of contact from me at all it’s like I’m doing something wrong

I spent Christmas all alone and it’s been an awful time and I’ve done everything they asked but notbinf will fix it it just gets worse

No, they’re other different names.
it started as OP was asked not to phone him late after 9, which is reasonable on a work night.

You have several other children. Why are you so focussed on this one?

Well there we have it.

You wanted your son to be forever your career and you blame your dil for him leaving. You also blame her for your sons own lack of want towards you such as the wedding speeches and her gifts towards her mum.

He didn’t owe you to be your career, you raised him so what that’s your job you wanted children he didn’t ask you to birth him and do the minimum such as feed and roof him.

Ah yes. I forgot that one was her too.

I have posted before yes but I never mentioned those to son or dil I posted because I was upset and I took the advice and didn’t bring it up to them

It’s sad but as I mentioned on the last thread’s, our children are only on loan to us. You need find something else once they grow up.

Sometimes op you just have to realise you’ve pushed people far far away and things won’t ever go back to being lovely.

They are enjoying their peace and freedom.

It’s not clear what the backstory is.
i feel like this about my MIL because she is emotionally abusive and manipulative. She probably thinks she has done nothing wrong because she lives in her own reality. She has no concept of responsibilty. She can’t manage money. She’s never held down a job. Everything revolves around her. She lives her life based on excuses.
i have no idea what you’ve done but I think you need to clear that up first.

None of us know enough to give a decent reply here.

It could be that she's a manipulative drama queen or it could be that something has happened in the past that you see as no big deal but actually had a hugely negative impact on your son.

We don't know.

You don't know either by the sounds of it. I can only suggest a message like "I'm really upset that we're in this position and I'm very confused as I don't know why you think I'm such a bad mother and should be ashamed. If you could let me know the reasons it would help me understand how to move forward. I love you all."

Read her other threads. She’s been told.

You've done everything they asked? What was that then?

@LonelyMIL this is about you and your issues. You have a lot of problems. You do need to address them.

People do get frustrated and lash out and they shouldn’t but you are at the root of what is going on.

Other people and other family members have responsibilities and have needs themselves but you feel your needs should take precedence and because you have drilled that into your children from a relatively young age you feel that they should believe as you do that they should meet your needs.

Well they are saying no, they don’t agree with that one sided belief anymore so back to you how are you going to handle that.

Why have you only mentioned some of your children?

I have to say, it does sound a bit sus op, all things considered. Having more than one child NC with you, your children choosing not to live with you, you acting as though putting a roof over your sons head was a great favour, even the way you say you’re ’disabled and poorly’ seems worded in such a way as to make yourself seem a sympathetic character. You seem determined to make out you’ve absolutely no clue whatsoever why they feel how they do but that doesn’t make people believe you more, it (unfortunately!) just lends more credibility to the allegations of manipulative behaviour.
I dunno, maybe I’m way off the mark, but you’re saying you’ve never done anything wrong but that you’ve apologised, and that your daughter in law says you’re manipulative and have no boundaries, and that your son agrees, then you’re saying your multiple calls and texts are going unanswered to (I think!) your other NC child, clearly you’re not respecting their boundaries so maybe there’s truth in what they are saying.
Your daughter in law has such strength of feeling, the kind that rarely comes from nowhere. It’s either first hand experience of your behaviour or it’s what your son has told her, either way, she and your son feel how they feel.

So you know you’ve done something that’s hurt someone you say you were close to, but don’t think you’ve actually done anything wrong, so you said sorry just to get your own way and have them talk to you again and are annoyed they won’t…. I’ll be honest, from the little information you’ve given you sound like a piece of work.
A disingenuous “sorry” is just insulting. Don’t say it if you don’t mean it.