DIL said I’m a pathetic excuse of a mother

[LonelyMIL]

DIL called me a pathetic excuse of a mother and said I should be ashamed of myself.

Son wont talk to me in months now

AIBU thinking there’s no reason ever to be this horrible to your mother in law who is just trying to have a relationship

Leaving aside certain examples where a parent had to do far more than would be normal... I never like framing what I do for my children as a sacrifice. It jars with me. It feels like making a martyr of yourself when in fact, children are a choice and when you choose to have them, that means doing your duty, what you're supposed to do. Of course I have less time and money and energy than I'd have had I not had children, but I wanted them and I feel hugely uneasy framing it as a "sacrifice" as if they owe me for it.

Besides, the whole point of a true sacrifice is that you don't expect any sort of personal gain return on it; it's for a higher purpose, not you. Otherwise it's not a sacrifice, it's a payment or a bribe.

Thread after thread after thread about her DIL when seemingly all but one of her children hold her massively at arms length. Honestly MN is just enabling her obsession with this woman at this stage.

It is clear that she felt her son was going to be a lifelong companion and she feels so jealous that this woman took him away from her.

You've definitely posted before because I recognise this.

Are you the poster with quite a few children but you expected your youngest son to stay at home to look after you?

More context needed, but given the Son won't talk to her either, i'm erring on the side of "She doesn't realise how bad she is"

Thank you to pp for sharing previous threads.

@LonelyMIL I agree with another pp that you're getting a rather rough time on this thread, somewhat unfairly. I'm sure you weren't perfect - no one is - but having caught up on your previous threads I don't think it sounds as though this is all on you.

Posters understandably project their own experiences on threads like this and its worth remembering that not every family dynamic like yours is down to bad parenting or parental narcissism. It is also a sad fact that some daughters in law do come between sons and mothers.

I do think you might feel things very deeply and are perhaps quite sensitive - these aren't bad things but understanding if you are can help to put the actions of others into context.

You're allowed to grieve the relationship with your son and DIL.

The best thing you can do is to accept things the way they are and focus on the relationships you have with your other children, and build up a social group in your area too.

This should in time take the heat out of things with your daughter in law, but I think she'll always be quick to feel like she does.

Am I right in thinking you've lost a son too? If so I'm very sorry.

I would have every sympathy until she said she has apologised but then won’t say what she is sorry for. This just saying the word sorry, without any acknowledgement of wrongdoing or attempt to change is classic manipulation and a massive red-flag.

I can forgive the OP most things and cut leniency, but as soon as she said she has offered apologies, whilst maintaining she has nothing to apologise for she lost me.

This is an interesting contribution.

I'm still reading through the thread, but very curious to find out whether OP responded to it.

My mum does the I don't know act too. Gets old real quick. When you have kids, it's hard to ignore the truth of how terrible your parents were.

Wow. Do you have men coming over? What's that got to do with this thread

You have five children but you seem to be fixated on this particular son and his wife.

It appears from previous threads that all the children stayed with their dad when you split up which is unusual to say the least.

You are very quick to take offence and you interpret your DIL doing nice stuff for her mum (on Mother's Day and in her wedding speech) as a slur and a slight on you. This must be very wearing for your son if you express those thoughts.

It is odd that you weren't invited on Christmas Day by any of your children. I imagine that you are more difficult and needy than you care to admit.

Oh, hang on... I think I remember this too...

This strikes me as very dismissive of your son's contribution to your care. What level of care are we talking? Did he have to make career and relationship sacrifices in order to care for you. We're you able to access professional care instead? These are all things you have to ask yourself, getting meals and a bed in your Mum's house isn't really a fair exchange if it's stifled your life. If you have continued to make demands on him and blame his wife for 'taking him away' this will be why they have ultimately decided to distance themselves. Have you ever said thank you to him?

Op. I actually feel quite sorry for you. You seem to have no self-awareness at all.
I think you need to take the time and reflect on your past behaviours. Be honest with yourself and only then will you be able to move forward. Ask your ds/dil if they could take the time to put all their grievances in writing. it will be painful but I think, crucial to your fractured relationship.
Wishing you luck x

Acknowledge that you are sad and lonely, speak to your gp about some counselling or an assessment. Take back control, don’t contact them again, your DS is in a desperate situation trying to appease you and his wife.
If he wants to make contact in the future, leave the door open but for now, close the door. Forget them. 💐

This
We need more details to be able to possibly form any opinion or advice OP

The 3 previous threads are linked in this thread. Keep in mind @everyone that OP is fragile and unreasonable.

If both your children don't speak to you and your DIL has said all this, i'm going to hazard a guess that the problem is infact you.
My mum was a awful parent but because she saw nothing wrong with her behaviour, she'd also say she'd done nothing wrong because she is judging herself by her standards - which were in hells basement.

The apology must have been a bit fake if you don’t know even what you are apologising for?

Do you understand what has caused this?

Have you had time to really take in what people are saying to you? Would some counselling help you?

Op is bitter her son now has a wife and a life and isn't sat at home to entertain her and do caring for her.

I think this is why I remember this poster as my MIL was quite similar (and now I’m completely no contact!)

She expected us to visit at least once a week which should have included a Sunday roast as a minimum (it’s a 3.5 hour round trip… but also why we wanted to live far away from her too!)

Also regarding the wedding, my MIL banged on to now DH that it was unfair that she wasn’t invited to my hen do (my mum wasn’t either) or to go dress shopping (she has quite small availability and wanted it to be in her home city…)

The reason our kids are only allowed limited contact with MIL now is how manipulative she is/doesnt respect boundaries. The amount of times she’s made DH cry because she’s either been vile to him (if she dies of a heart attack it will all be his fault/he’s not the son she raised/his nan would be rolling in her grave/he’s heartless/abandoned his routes etc) and the manipulation (if he cared for her he’d make me visit more/if I loved him I’d love her/it’s his fault that I feel the way I do/everyone thinks he’s changed…) and that’s not including all the passive aggressive quotes she’s shared on FB.

Sometimes it’s a death by a million cuts OP. I really didn’t help my MIL popularity with me when she made out to be ill on the day we were going on our honeymoon then proceeded to tell DH how disappointed the family was in him regarding our wedding (the whole family was fine, only she had a problem but it played on DH mind the whole trip) or when she called DH crying on Xmas day calling him selfish for not going there (as we were planning on going for BD as I had family from abroad visiting) or on DD first birthday she kept calling and sending argumentative texts as she was on holiday and only available to FaceTime in a 45 minute window (which we weren’t aware of, and had our phones on silent so genuinely missed her calls) - apparently we shouldn’t have left for our day trip until her timezone was awake…

Your DIL doesn’t like you. Build a bridge and get over it. Go to therapy as you need to take accountability/recognise what actions you have taken to this point to make him/her feel that way. Just saying ‘sorry’ and expecting everyone to move on just won’t happen. If you can’t get therapy download Gemini/chatgpt and use a bot to try to help you find out the causes and how you can stop making things worse.

I haven't come to any decision on the matter, I'm not involved and it's not actually my problem 🙄
I was, which should be obvious, saying that if a man said /implied to his wife "I'll let you speak / see your mum." He would be seen as a complete wanker on here and MNers would, quite rightly say as an adult his wife can make the choice what she wants to do, it's not his call.

Let your son live his life the way he wants ,be happy for him .Stop blaming your DIL and look at your other kids for some support,not just him.

You are completely unable to understand that this is your fault.

You forced him to care for you, you have a history of overstepping and being demanding, you pretend not to understand what you have done wrong and you just want them all to come back and carry on doing what you want.

I had a relative like you and I know all the tricks.

She did a good line in helplessness and guilt tripping

It's hard to know from this who is right and who is wrong or if there are faults on both sides but from my experience, go and live an amazing life @LonelyMIL There is bugger all you can do to change any of it so you have to stop trying.

When I met my step daughter I knew she would be trouble and I was right. She has ripped the family to pieces just for power but we opted out of the relationship early just for peace and we don't regret it. They tried stealing money from us as we left but I managed to get it back by a fluke.

Some people are just assholes.

I agree with this but also I think people need to stop conducting their relationships through text. People need to speak more face to face. Having arguments through messaging is ridiculous, is always misconstrued, and carries it on far longer than it needs to be going on.