AIBU to not want sex with my husband?

[Anonymous23458d]

I need some honest opinions as I’m starting to question myself.

I’ve been with my husband 10 years, we have a 4-year-old and a 19-month-old (traumatic birth with the youngest, 3a tear & severe heammorage). I’m at home full-time with both kids and we’re also trying to get the house ready to sell and move.

My husband says I’ve “trapped him in a sexless marriage” and that I’m turning him into “less of a man” because I don’t want sex. He also says I’m manipulative and using sex against him.

For context, we’ve probably had sex about 5 times since our youngest was born 19 months ago.

From my side:

I’m exhausted most of the time

I don’t feel emotionally supported or connected to him

he’s quite dismissive when I raise concerns

he doesn’t help much unless I constantly ask or delegate

A recent example—after a full day of painting, looking after the kids and going to his mothers, I didn’t want sex that evening and it caused a big argument.

He says he’s been patient and I’m being unfair. I feel like being pressured, criticised, and unsupported makes me want it even less.

AIBU to not want sex in this situation?

You are not unreasonable not to want sex and he's not unreasonable to want it. When these threads come up in reverse (man not wanting it/ the usual advice is that a sexless marriage is miserable and the OP should leave and find someone willing to meet her needs. Five times in two years is hardly anything and I think anyone in that situation must be very frustrated. Have you told him how you would feel more supported?

You’re not unreasonable. But equally it’s not massively sustainable. Do you want to split up? Do you think things will change? Do you want to stay together but not have sex? I would never advocate for someone to have sex when they don’t want to, but I also think it’s something you can easily fall out of the habit of doing when busy and then not want it. Whereas if you have it regularly your body sort of remembers it.

Agree with @Dentalmum2

I think that you both need to make time for each other, discuss your feelings and really listen to each other. If you don’t, resentment will brew on both sides.

We've been on the verge of ending our relationship many times in the last few years, he can be emotionally abusive and changeful. He's got ms so sleeps alot so the childcare falls to me
We wanted to homeschool originally so I gave up my work so I am financially dependent on him, so I know I won't be able to homeschool on my own like this. Im finding it hard doing everything as it is. I would've left a long time ago really but not sure how I would do it on my own. I think I am just not attracted to him really, ive tried to make it work but I just can't force that anymore.

You don’t have to have sex

But he doesn’t have to stay in a sexless marriage either

Neither of you are being unreasonable with your desires / wants / preferences

He is unreasonable to pressure you But I wouldn’t blame him if he pulled the plug either

My opinion might be unpopular but if you don't want sex then accept he will go somewhere else and have an affair or leave altogether.

You don’t have to have sex.

He doesn’t have to stay in a sexless marriage. And 5 times in 19months is a sexless marriage.

Id advice the children go into nursery and you get a job because this relationship isn’t going to last he will cheat or you’ll give in and have sex you don’t want with building resentment towards him and likely it still won’t be enough for him and he will still cheat/leave.

Even if you think the marriage is save able I’d still go back to work.

He doesn’t sound very attractive, OP, I don’t blame you. He isn’t trapped at all, remind him he can leave any time he wants.

Then tell him if he wants sex he can shift his fucking arse, start seeing what is needed and help out. Why would any woman want to have sex with a manbaby? So sick of these idiot men, they are perfectly capable of doing so - my DH does so much for us wherever he can, and that’s not meant to be a boast but rather a statement that you don’t have to put up with male incompetence.

So the lack of sex is just the tip of the iceberg. This does not sound like a good/healthy marriage at all.

It will be unpopular but you’re right.

Would joint counselling/therapy help?
I get that when you're tired, touched out by small children, dealing with children waking at night, carrying most/all of the mental load and doing all the housework, cooking & shopping, a partner waltzing in at the end of the day wanting sex without making any emotional connection, communicating on a meaningful level or helping run your joint life is a major turn off.

Most men don't get how their assumption that by working FT & earning more they can opt out of most family life most of the time is a huge sexual turn off.

Maybe if he was pulling his weight and not being a nob she would be attracted to him. I’d leave instead of “accepting” anything.

What’s his expected amount? Could you compromise and do it like 2 times a month?

You've identified that he's emotionally abusive. This isn't a sex issue.

I'd get some individual therapy, couples counselling isn't advised where there are abusive patterns.

He can only have an affair if someone else is willing to shag him and he doesn't sound very appealing. Either way the marriage sounds shit

If he were a good husband I would imagine you’d fancy sex more.

I’d forget the homeschooling for a start, get the kids in nursery and get back to work.

My opinion might be unpopular but if you don't want sex then accept he will go somewhere else and have an affair or leave altogether.

Yes.

You're in a defensive position OP. No doubt for good reason. But it is an issue that should not be ignored. When you think that it has gone away, you may find that he is shagging someone else (no matter how undesireable you think he is, there will be someone).

I don't want to sound unempathic. It happened to my marriage.

I have a lot to say, but you are not alone. Can you... have some other way of satisfying him that is not penetrative sex? To keep some connection for him.

Personally I don’t want to have sex with my husband if I’m annoyed with him or we don’t feel like a team.

It feels like you don’t think this can change and that your intimate relationship is over. But you don’t want to split up for practical or financial reasons.

if he doesn’t find this reasonable then it’s up to him to end the marriage surely? Instead he may become unpleasant or unreasonable and it’s up to you to hold your boundary I guess, and see where you both go from
there?

I've seen this play out a couple of ways. Sex dropped down to once per month with my ex husband and our marriage blew up when I found out he'd been seeing prostitutes. In my current relationship, we have sex daily and it's night and day. We're much closer amd happier and he's a better partner in every way.

As sad as it is, sex does seem to be one of those things that keeps relationships together. My experience is the more sex you have with men, the better they treat you. The better they treat you, the more sex you want. Not ideal, but the way relationships tend to be. Someone has to keep the cycle going.

Would some good old fashioned Choreplay help, maybe?

There's no way I could even entertain sex daily with a toddler and a 4 year old. When the youngest goes to bed there's tidying up and sorting things out I only get an hour to myself before I sleep.
We are also in seperate rooms so im still sharing a room with our toddler which I dont like. However he has expressed not wanting to sleep with me because I struggle to fall asleep and toss and turn alot and he has bad eczema so itches alot in the night and snores so im not unhappy about sleeping with him.... it just adds to it all of not being intimate with each other.

When i rejected him the other day after having a stressful day he started insulting me calling me ugly and saying/' I dont want to anyway because your ugly"
Just pathetic really. He's justifying saying it because he says hes angry about being trapped in a sexless marriage