Page 10 | AIBU to not want sex with my husband?

Anonymous23458d · 2026-04-07T20:07:03+00:00

I need some honest opinions as I’m starting to question myself. I’ve been with my husband 10 years, we have a 4-year-old and a 19-month-old (traumatic birth with the youngest, 3a tear & severe heammorage). I’m at home full-time with both kids and we’re also trying to get the house ready to sell and move. My husband says I’ve “trapped him in a sexless marriage” and that I’m turning him into “less of a man” because I don’t want sex. He also says I’m manipulative and using sex against him. For context, we’ve probably had sex about 5 times since our youngest was born 19 months ago. From my side: I’m exhausted most of the time I don’t feel emotionally supported or connected to him he’s quite dismissive when I raise concerns he doesn’t help much unless I constantly ask or delegate A recent example—after a full day of painting, looking after the kids and going to his mothers, I didn’t want sex that evening and it caused a big argument. He says he’s been patient and I’m being unfair. I feel like being pressured, criticised, and unsupported makes me want it even less. AIBU to not want sex in this situation?

Laurmolonlabe · 12/04/2026 19:50

Abusive how?- he claims he has been trapped in a sexless marriage- it's a point of view, not a very balanced one perhaps- but it's not abusive.
He's no husband of the year, not being supportive is selfish, but it's not abusive. There are far too many posters on MN jumping up and down to claim abuse when the husband/partner is just lazy,selfish or wrongheaded- it's not great but it is not abuse. The OP has had 19 months, over a year and a half to recover from a traumatic birth, she won't be getting any better, she will have healed physically completely, so the issues are psychological, which is why l said in my first post the OP needs to unhitch the issues of no support from the sexual issues. The OP has not suggested that she wants to leave DH or that the relationship is at the end of the road, so to be helpful one needs to suggest a plan of action which improves matters not scream abuse
(where there is none) and the only advice is to leave.
They need therapy- to discuss with a professional what each side expects and how reality is falling short- they both have legitimate concerns which need negotiating.

o

kkloo · 12/04/2026 22:02

Laurmolonlabe · 12/04/2026 19:50

Abusive how?- he claims he has been trapped in a sexless marriage- it's a point of view, not a very balanced one perhaps- but it's not abusive.
He's no husband of the year, not being supportive is selfish, but it's not abusive. There are far too many posters on MN jumping up and down to claim abuse when the husband/partner is just lazy,selfish or wrongheaded- it's not great but it is not abuse. The OP has had 19 months, over a year and a half to recover from a traumatic birth, she won't be getting any better, she will have healed physically completely, so the issues are psychological, which is why l said in my first post the OP needs to unhitch the issues of no support from the sexual issues. The OP has not suggested that she wants to leave DH or that the relationship is at the end of the road, so to be helpful one needs to suggest a plan of action which improves matters not scream abuse
(where there is none) and the only advice is to leave.
They need therapy- to discuss with a professional what each side expects and how reality is falling short- they both have legitimate concerns which need negotiating.

o

She also said he can be emotionally abusive and changeful and that he said he didn't want to have sex with her anyway because she's ugly.

she will have healed physically completely, so the issues are psychological, which is why l said in my first post the OP needs to unhitch the issues of no support from the sexual issues.

That's not possible for most people so it was terrible advice, and you also said that she was using it to punish him. Peoples sexual desire towards their partners is often very much linked to how they feel about them and how they are treated, but you want her to 'unhitch' that so to stop having a normal, valid and common reaction to the treatment and to see them separately. How do you propose she do that exactly? Do you think that there's therapists out there that can make her sexually want her husband even when she's being abused? Do you think she could be hypnotised maybe? Or how exactly do you propose that she 'unhitch' the issues of no support from the sexual issues and override her physiology?

The OP has not suggested that she wants to leave DH or that the relationship is at the end of the road, so to be helpful one needs to suggest a plan of action which improves matters not scream abuse

She has said they almost ended the relationship many times in the past few years and she would have left a long time ago except she's afraid of doing it on her own. She's also said she's tried to make it work and can't force it anymore....so it very much has been suggested. You on the other hand are offering 'advice' that isn't realistic in any way.

JHound · 12/04/2026 22:27

Laurmolonlabe · 12/04/2026 19:50

Abusive how?- he claims he has been trapped in a sexless marriage- it's a point of view, not a very balanced one perhaps- but it's not abusive.
He's no husband of the year, not being supportive is selfish, but it's not abusive. There are far too many posters on MN jumping up and down to claim abuse when the husband/partner is just lazy,selfish or wrongheaded- it's not great but it is not abuse. The OP has had 19 months, over a year and a half to recover from a traumatic birth, she won't be getting any better, she will have healed physically completely, so the issues are psychological, which is why l said in my first post the OP needs to unhitch the issues of no support from the sexual issues. The OP has not suggested that she wants to leave DH or that the relationship is at the end of the road, so to be helpful one needs to suggest a plan of action which improves matters not scream abuse
(where there is none) and the only advice is to leave.
They need therapy- to discuss with a professional what each side expects and how reality is falling short- they both have legitimate concerns which need negotiating.

o

Click on “see all” - read all of OPs posts.

moderate · 14/04/2026 21:39

As is often the case, a thread that starts out with one question quickly reveals much deeper problems in the relationship.

FWIW, @Anonymous23458d, I also think you should leave this man.