AIBU to not want sex with my husband?

[Anonymous23458d]

I need some honest opinions as I’m starting to question myself.

I’ve been with my husband 10 years, we have a 4-year-old and a 19-month-old (traumatic birth with the youngest, 3a tear & severe heammorage). I’m at home full-time with both kids and we’re also trying to get the house ready to sell and move.

My husband says I’ve “trapped him in a sexless marriage” and that I’m turning him into “less of a man” because I don’t want sex. He also says I’m manipulative and using sex against him.

For context, we’ve probably had sex about 5 times since our youngest was born 19 months ago.

From my side:

I’m exhausted most of the time

I don’t feel emotionally supported or connected to him

he’s quite dismissive when I raise concerns

he doesn’t help much unless I constantly ask or delegate

A recent example—after a full day of painting, looking after the kids and going to his mothers, I didn’t want sex that evening and it caused a big argument.

He says he’s been patient and I’m being unfair. I feel like being pressured, criticised, and unsupported makes me want it even less.

AIBU to not want sex in this situation?

Your relationship is over so you need to put your kids in nursery, get a job and get a divorce. However I will give him credit for providing for his house while having MS because it’s a horrible disease and can really kick your ass.

When my DC were very young, I was exhausted and I really struggled. My DH pestered me for sex and I became more and more put off. He sulked and shouted. It was a vicious circle. It reached a point where he would start having sex with me when I was asleep. We split up shortly after this. I couldn’t stand him anymore. Any love I had for him was gone.

It’s a very difficult situation in a relationship, when one partner is consumed my parenthood and feels exhausted. Sex becomes just one more hill to climb. When the other partner wants sex and gets rejected, it can all become impossible to get through, especially if the partner wanting sex becomes a sex pest. Frankly, this is counterproductive. The more they pester you, the further away you are pushed.

Why would you want to have sex with someone who is mean to you and coerces you as if you owe him?

he doesn’t deserve it, he doesn’t deserve you and I think deep down you know that.

I don’t understand how these men think they can be abusive and dismissive and disrespectful, then think a woman will want to turn around and be intimate with them. Ffs they all need to go live among themselves on a damned Island of apes.

She didn't post a simple 'is he unreasonable for wanting sex'?

She described his behaviour and it's awful, and yet you're saying he's not unreasonable.

And while it might not be an unreasonable position to want your marriage to include sex, it is unreasonable, unrealistic and also often delusional when people think sex is going to continue in a relationship where there is no closeness or emotional intimacy and you say such awful things to your partner.

I agree that she should leave him though because he's not going to change.

That's awful! I hope you got him done for rape. What a foul creature

I don’t think there is a way back from where you are. You’d have to want to and it doesn’t sound like you do. And frankly neither would I.

So it boils down to the financials of escaping. Do you need to retrain to get back in the workforce? Is there something adjacent you can do part time for a while. You can claim UC while the kids are under 5 I think. Will he pay child support?

You might find you’re less exhausted without him around. You could try being honest, you have no libido or interest, very sorry just is what it is. And let him make the choice to leave, he might be more agreeable in that case.

It’s not an uncommon situation, but you’re seeing him for who he is now. Little children can really shine a light on character. And entitled and unhelpful is unattractive.

Laughing out loud at the cringey doormat women "oooh he might just have an affair then..."

Nope. That's not an option for normal people. Sex or no sex, sticking your cock in a random is definitely not one of the options if you've made vows or promises😆

Here's what he can do without being an abusive piece of fucking shit - he can say he plans to fuck someone else outright. He can leave.

What he cannot do (unless he wants to be an abusive piece of fucking shit) is have an affair. Genuinely funny that the doormat dollies think this is a thing. Just because some men are abusive lying pieces of fucking shit that doesn't make it a tick box option😂

Anyway, OP, he wants sex and that's that. Of course it's not ok for a man with a normal sex drive to just put up with you saying no over and over.

If you cannot think of anything else, he will leave or you should end the marriage.

Everything else aside, sex is a huge thing to a lot of women and men and he's not going to just say "oh well then not to worry".

I would never touch this man again.
he is emotionally abusive.
this isn’t the Middle Ages. You do not owe anybody sex.

And he doesn't owe her a sexless marriage.

He does sound like a complete arsehole, and she should have left him ages ago. But she's trying to pretend that "no sex for you ever again or maybe at some point in the far off future if I feel like it" is something anybody would or should put up with.

Most men, and indeed many women simply would not tolerate this no matter how good or bad their relationship otherwise was.

She specifically asked if it was ok to deny him sex. No, of course not. It's ok to leave him though.

Just as "I'll stick my cock in a random behind your back then" is not a thing, neither is "nah, no sex just put up with it" a thing. Both would be intolerable to most.

They just need to split up, obviously.

If he wants sex to feel more of a man, then it's not about intimacy with you anyway, it's about trying to self regulate for him.

OP made sure to make the fact her husband has MS was just a throw away comment in the middle of a paragraph. I have a feeling this is a major reason he doesn't contribute as much.

He’s not entitled to sex and it sounds like he’s turned you off him by not bothering to meet your emotional needs. YANBU

Well, MS can vary a lot. Some people can’t walk. Others you wouldn’t know they had MS.

I agree. Mumsnet seems to have taken a fine recently that women owe their husbands sex. No they don’t - it’s a privilege not a right.

Pretty much if you don't want sex fine but you can't blame the guy for leaving

Urgh he sounds completely vile. It never ceases to amaze me how women stay with such disgusting poor excuses for men. Its time to walk away sweetheart.

Still would cause exhaustion and pain.

No, it's not a right, but they can't be upset if the husband chooses to walk away.

He sounds really gross to be honest.
a low sex drive when your kids are young is very normal. The constant demand, little sleep and trying to keep on top of everything is hard work and your body is recognising that it probably isn’t a great idea to add another child to it.
if you want to save the marriage then try and explain how tired you are and get him to step up.
if you don’t, time to call it a day.

Yep.And I think it's bloody odd that she gave up work knowing he has MS tbh.

And she's not entitled to expect him to remain married while she says "no sex ever or maybe if I feel like it some time"

She admits she just doesn't fancy him and really sounds like she doesn't like him, but it does sound like she wants him to stick around and keep paying the bills. She wants to be told "of course just keep refusing him sex for years if you like, tough shit to him".

No.

He does not sound particularly great, but to be honest, my spidey senses are tingling about the OP too and it is VERY rare that I take a man's side ove a woman's.

She does not have the right to him paying all the bills and living with her while she denies him sex for as long as she feels like any more than he has the right to just have an affair.

She does have the right to end the relationship though.

Right. It's not the OPs right to expect him to stay married without sex either.

Putting everything else aside, nobody has the right to ride roughshod over another person's boundaries, body, wants or needs and it goes both ways.

She can say no, he can leave.

And she really just does not like him or fancy him anyway so she should go back to work, and end it.

He sounds awful, OP. I wouldn't want sex with someone who pressured me like that and called me ugly for not wanting it.

It sounds like an utterly miserable marriage to someone you're not attracted to. Do both him and yourself a favour and make plans to split up.

BeMorePacific, I was also wondering about the MS, I have a cousin with it, diagnosed in her 30s, she's angry and bitter about it (I don't blame her) and a friend's husband fit healthy seeming guy early 40s, he couldn't stay awake, then test after test sadly revealed the reason.. I wonder what the relationship was like for the poster prior to kids being born!

If you dislike him, and you have reason, sort the situation out yourself!
Get a job again.
Send you children to school and nursery.
Move out.
Don't be reliant on someone else to provide for you.

If he has MS, is tired a lot, but also provides all the money....you have to make a decision about getting a job to support your children and get a better life for yourself

@Anonymous23458d I haven't had sex for 12 years with my dh. Never liked sex ever but kind of forced myself to it.
I'm depressed (on medication) and have a lot of ressentment built up against dh which doesn't help. I have told him that I'm not going to force myself to have sex with you, I have no libido at all so take it or leave it (me). We have two dc so it's complicated to split up.