AIBU to not want sex with my husband?

[Anonymous23458d]

I need some honest opinions as I’m starting to question myself.

I’ve been with my husband 10 years, we have a 4-year-old and a 19-month-old (traumatic birth with the youngest, 3a tear & severe heammorage). I’m at home full-time with both kids and we’re also trying to get the house ready to sell and move.

My husband says I’ve “trapped him in a sexless marriage” and that I’m turning him into “less of a man” because I don’t want sex. He also says I’m manipulative and using sex against him.

For context, we’ve probably had sex about 5 times since our youngest was born 19 months ago.

From my side:

I’m exhausted most of the time

I don’t feel emotionally supported or connected to him

he’s quite dismissive when I raise concerns

he doesn’t help much unless I constantly ask or delegate

A recent example—after a full day of painting, looking after the kids and going to his mothers, I didn’t want sex that evening and it caused a big argument.

He says he’s been patient and I’m being unfair. I feel like being pressured, criticised, and unsupported makes me want it even less.

AIBU to not want sex in this situation?

Homeschooling your kids is the least of your worries.

Do you think that they will thrive better with two seperated happy parents, in formal education? Or being homeschooled by a miserable mother who is being verbally abused by an equally miserable father?

Sounds like you are looking for a reason to not make a big scary change. I understand why but the fact is that you KNOW why the arguments and atmosphere are there, they dont. They just feel the effects and it will be very frightening for them.

I'm shocked to read your update. You don't want sex with him because he's abusive. He is pressuring you to have sex and then is nasty to you if you don't want it - and no suprise when he's not pulling his weight. Hardly attractive. After those comments that would be it. I wouldn't want to be with him again. I know it's hard with kids, but anything is better than being with this poor excuse of a man.

You think the OP is going to start fancying him again if he puts a wash on more often?

Everyone is focusing on the sex.....there are clearly other issues in his behaviours which are understandably putting you off him- it's not as simple as you just don't want sex with him.The physical stuff is linked to the emotional stuff after all...if you are unhappy with the way he is being towards you why should/would you want to be intimate and close with him!

He doesn't sound like a great partner tbh.

Some of these replies....ugh!

I don't think there's many that would want to have sex with him tbh unless they were desperate to hold onto a man like that.

I wonder would people say this kind of stuff to their daughters, ignore the entire context of why she didn't want to have sex and tell her he wasn't being unreasonable 😂 Anyone who treats a partner that way is absolutely unreasonable to think that their partner would want to have sex with them.

She said in the OP hes not supporting her at all, and after her traumatic birth she needs that plus loads gentle affection to have even a chance of wanting sex.
We read loads about this on Mumsnet. Many men seem to think women are sex robots

I think I’d clamp up dealing with a man like that. I think you need to face your reality and get your ducks in a row. His lack of sex is a symptom not the cause of the relationship issues. He sounds utterly awful.

What is he doing to maintain your relationship? It sounds alike he's just complaining at you and doing fuck all about it from his perspective. Fuck that.

This isn't really about the sex afterall, is it? This is not a happy, loving, respectful marriage.

I've been where you are and unsurprisingly my sex drive returned when I ditched my awful husband and started dating a decent man.

But back to you. Can you see any way of working with him to get to the real problem here and try to salvage the marriage, or is he the kind of man who won't listen and will just twist everything around and make it your fault?

(I'd put money on the latter.)

No but it would at least show that he is taking her seriously and listening to her, which could (could) be a first step.

That said, he doesnt sound like he is the sort that would. He sounds like a Manosphere padawan, so husband = work and wife = everything else plus sex on demand.

Absolutely this

in your original post you wrote everything you need to say

“I don’t feel emotionally supported or connected to him”

that’s the passion killer, it’s primal instinct, why would you let anyone so close to you, let alone inside you when they feel unsafe to you

unless you both try a shit loaf of marriage counselling you need to get out of this marriage while you have anything left of yourself. I’m not one to jump on the LTB bandwagon but in this case it seems like the only answer, he will crush your confidence and any sense of self you have bit by bit

good luck OP

You are in an abusive relationship and asking if you are unreasonable to not want to have sex with the man that abuses you…

OP please get help from a domestic abuse charity (they are really good) and support to leave this man because he will not change. Also read Why does he do that? By Lundy Bancroft.

This pressure from him for sex is also abusive btw.

On your own, you would send your kids to school /nursery/childminder and go back to work. It's better for them than being around an abusive relationship dynamic.

This man sounds disgusting. He doesnt respect you for a start off talking to you like that.
I'm sorry you are going through this. I'm on my own after a similar situation several years ago now. Its tough bringing kids up on your own....but I thank my lucky stars I walked when I did and I dont have to tolerate his bullshit anymore. Best of luck OP.

You are not unreasonable but neither is he.

I think you should call it a day and split - the marriage sounds utterly miserable.

Clearly you need to separate. I would say end the relationship but it's already ended hasn't it. You just need to see the process through.

You two need to split - there is nothing there OP.

Time to get back to work OP. Your body already knows what your brain is struggling to accept. You slightly hate this man. Or he has let you down significantly. You certainly have the ick. He sounds like a prick tbh though everyone can be a bit of a prick sometimes. Good luck getting a job. Dont be financially dependent on someone who abuses you. Xx

Jesus, how bad would he have to be for you to think he was unreasonable?

Ranting at his wife because she doesn't want sex even though she has a 19 month old and a traumatic birth.
Calling her manipulative when it's clearly him who is.
He doesn't support her emotionally, does nothing to build a connection either.
He's dismissive when she raises concerns.
Won't do anything unless she constantly asks.

and to top it off, the other day when she didn't want sex he said he didn't want to anyway because she's ugly.

And you don't think that that is unreasonable? Do you think people are entitled to sex no matter how they behave or treat their partner? Do you think it's reasonable to go on like that when your partner doesn't want sex when you treat them like crap?

YANBU

Your husband is repulsive. I'd suggest making plans to leave him - sooner rather than later. There are benefits calculators to help you figure out what you may be entitled to as a single parent, and the CMS calculator. Then you can look into free childcare funded hours and see if you can get some part-time work.

Don't stay with this repulsive bully. BTW I wouldn't have sex with him either, vile man.

He’s a dick, but wanting your marriage to include sex is not an unreasonable position. I think OP should leave him because the marriage sounds like a dumpster fire in general, not just because they have completely mismatched sex drives.

he can be emotionally abusive and changeful

he started insulting me calling me ugly and saying/' I dont want to anyway because your ugly"

I gave up my work so I am financially dependent on him

End it.

Please end the marriage. For your mental wellbeing, and the children’s.

He is a nasty, selfish abusive man. And that will never change.

He doesn’t love you. He doesn’t love your children either. Because if he did, he wouldn’t be treating their mother like that.

Do you have friends and family you can confide in? Because if you do, please tell someone and seek support.

I would also try and get back into some sort of work. You need your own finances in a situation like this.