AIBU to not want sex with my husband?

[Anonymous23458d]

I need some honest opinions as I’m starting to question myself.

I’ve been with my husband 10 years, we have a 4-year-old and a 19-month-old (traumatic birth with the youngest, 3a tear & severe heammorage). I’m at home full-time with both kids and we’re also trying to get the house ready to sell and move.

My husband says I’ve “trapped him in a sexless marriage” and that I’m turning him into “less of a man” because I don’t want sex. He also says I’m manipulative and using sex against him.

For context, we’ve probably had sex about 5 times since our youngest was born 19 months ago.

From my side:

I’m exhausted most of the time

I don’t feel emotionally supported or connected to him

he’s quite dismissive when I raise concerns

he doesn’t help much unless I constantly ask or delegate

A recent example—after a full day of painting, looking after the kids and going to his mothers, I didn’t want sex that evening and it caused a big argument.

He says he’s been patient and I’m being unfair. I feel like being pressured, criticised, and unsupported makes me want it even less.

AIBU to not want sex in this situation?

What a disgusting response. He's not a supportive husband the lack of sex is due to that. Read the full posts. Urgh hate people posting just to be cruel

This isn't a marriage. You don't like each other, you don't enjoy spending time together, you never have sex and he's horrible to you. Just draw a line under it all, and go your separate ways.

This.

It sounds unsustainable and miserable.

You are not unreasonable. The reason you no longer want to have sex with him is because he is lazy and calls you names so it's entirely his fault

Tbh, I think the way he's come over is aggressive and angry. Yes of course he wants sex more but to go on the attack over it really isn't going to make a woman feel sexy, loved, safe, secure. He doesn't understand humans, he certainly doesn't understand women. He is making it a whole lot worse. He doesn't even sound nice enough to have a cuppa with tbh.

I do not think it is ever unreasonable to not have sex when you don’t want to have sex. It would be unreasonable to expect lack of sex to not impact a marriage (unless both are fine with it.)

But this is something that requires communication between both. He seems to think sex should be guaranteed no matter how many problems exist within a marriage.

@Anonymous23458d how often did you have sex before the children? Did you actually fancy him and enjoy sex with him at any point in your relationship? If you had lots of sex, that you enjoyed and fancied him, there’s no reason you couldn’t get back to this. Just make time. If you never really enjoyed the sex, never really fancied him and didn’t have much sex before the kids, it’s not surprising it’s dropped off the priority list completely and you should re-think whether this marriage is actually worth it anymore. Both of you deserve to be happy, it just may not be with each other.

When my husband left all the mental load and night wakings to me when the kids were small, I completely switched off from our relationship. There was no connection. We both worked full time yet I had all the extra responsibility of house admin, family admin, cook, cleaner and the breadwinner with the long hours and stress.
Years later I realised he had severe ADHD and wasn’t helping because he had no clue how to help (no executive functioning).

I mean I cannot fathom wanting sex with a man in this situation:

I’m exhausted most of the time
I don’t feel emotionally supported or connected to him
he’s quite dismissive when I raise concerns
he doesn’t help much unless I constantly ask or delegate.

But if you want to save the marriage you need to discuss this with him

I’m in a sexless marriage for lots of reasons I’ll not go into. It’s unfair to say a sexless marriage is unsustainable when that’s simply not always the case. It’s not by choice for either of us it’s just a lot of reasons we can’t really control right now.

However, we love each other very much and are a good partnership. He does his share in the house and is a good dad. If I could sleep with him I would, and vice versa. This is not the case in your marriage. Ignore the person that suggested you compromise on a couple of times a month. Unless you enthusiastically consent don’t do it, and it sounds like his behaviour is a huge turn-off anyway. I reckon you’re best getting your ducks in a row and leaving. It must be a horrible life being pressured for intimacy you don’t want by someone who really treats you like shit.

To be fair it does sound like the marriage is over for lots of reasons. I think you should just rip off the band aid now and get it over with. It's no way to live for both of ye.

Get legal advice. You absolutely 💯 will be getting divorced. Your mutual views on this are not compatible.

Did he have no executive function at work too?

I don’t think her issue is down to her “body not remembering sex”….😳

Most of the comments have said it may end the relationship so not that uncommon.

But he isn't trapped. He could end the marriage as could you, yet you sound scared of being on your own. It's just another toxic relationship that sadly your poor children are being exposed to

No one is ever unreasonable in not wanting sex, the same way no one is unreasonable in expecting sex as part of a romantic relationship. I’m a woman and personally I’d end a relationship that doesn’t have intimacy.

Saying that, he sounds like an absolutely shit partner.

If you don't then someone else will, I speak as someone whose husband had an affair and left with them several years later.

He’s emotionally abusive, lazy, she is exhausted and he is dismissive….but maybe she can just consider giving him a hand job or something.

Good Lord….!

He is a Labourer so I suppose you could say so. His boss tried him with a trade (eg tiling, plastering) but he could never pay enough attention to do it right. When I fell pregnant with my eldest he was cleaning nightclub toilets. 20 years later he is a gardener/labourer/cleaner at a friends pub. All minimum wage.
non-development of executive functioning is the fundamental problem of ADHD. You need executive functioning to be able to learn and self-correct.

I wouldn't want sex with a bag of shit like that either.

He would need to wash his mouth out and get a lot more intimate with the hoover and the dishcloth for starters and pull his weight with the children before coming anywhere near me.

What exactly are you getting out of the relationship?

I'd tell him to sling his miserable hook, and good luck finding someone else to oblige!

Eeugh. No. Do not do that.
You are worth more than being some sort of 'comfort woman'.
If you lower yourself to pleasuring him just to keep him quiet you have already lost everything. Get the kids into nursery, start earning your own money and make an escape plan.
Also, MS symptoms come in many forms. Mild as well as severe. He sleeps all day but still has energy for sex? I am not his doctor nor do I live in his body but it wouldn't be the first time someone has used a diagnosis as a form of emotional blackmail or to shirk responsibilities.
Look after you.

Tell him he's not trapped and is free to leave any time he wants. Also, if he thinks you're ugly, you're pretty sure you never want to have sex with him again! Honestly, he sounds awful and you'd be better off without him. Forget about homeschooling and look for a job instead.

This 100% 👏🏻👏🏻

He sounds absolutely horrible. This is a relationship issue, not a sex issue. You'll be much happier without him OP.

This relationship is over OP. You’ll be happier without him, find a way to make it happen.