AIBU to not want sex with my husband?

[Anonymous23458d]

I need some honest opinions as I’m starting to question myself.

I’ve been with my husband 10 years, we have a 4-year-old and a 19-month-old (traumatic birth with the youngest, 3a tear & severe heammorage). I’m at home full-time with both kids and we’re also trying to get the house ready to sell and move.

My husband says I’ve “trapped him in a sexless marriage” and that I’m turning him into “less of a man” because I don’t want sex. He also says I’m manipulative and using sex against him.

For context, we’ve probably had sex about 5 times since our youngest was born 19 months ago.

From my side:

I’m exhausted most of the time

I don’t feel emotionally supported or connected to him

he’s quite dismissive when I raise concerns

he doesn’t help much unless I constantly ask or delegate

A recent example—after a full day of painting, looking after the kids and going to his mothers, I didn’t want sex that evening and it caused a big argument.

He says he’s been patient and I’m being unfair. I feel like being pressured, criticised, and unsupported makes me want it even less.

AIBU to not want sex in this situation?

Agree - a man who genuinely contributes domestically without needing to be asked, sees what needs to be done and does it and doesnt think any of that is unusual .....

....is mad sexy.

It it also unfortunately exceedingly rare. Hence the bold "genuinely" .

This. The marriage isn't salvageable. He's a nasty piece of work.

Why have another baby with this man if things havnt been right for few years?
It would have been far less complicated to up and leave without children

It's over. Start the ball rolling. You will be happier long term and he can find someone else to abuse. Win win.

Absolutely ditch homeschooling and get back to work.

I can't imagine being in a relationship so bad that my partner thinks it's ok to call me ugly.

That alone would be it. This relationship is unambiguously over and now you've got to do the right thing for your children. See a solicitor ASAP.

See a solicitor first. Get your child home schooled first so she gets main custody and he pays her a high spousal maintenance.

This was an issue for us. Our kids are much older, and so there was less 'excuse' on my part (you're still in the throes of tiny people).

My DH would try it on and get upset at being rejected. I couldn't be arsed and often felt tense wondering if he was going to suggest sex. We decided to schedule sex into our marriage, and we now have sex every second Sunday. I know lots will be horrified by this but it works for us - we know where we are, no-one is worried about being rejected, and we both enjoy it.

But your DH sounds like a tosser, and I wouldn't want him to touch me ever. Calling you ugly is inexcusable.

No one is suggesting you have sex daily. Is that what you've taken from this? Having said that, I certainly wouldn't entertain having sex with my partner no more than 3 times per year. Stop making excuses and just end this miserable marriage.

@MrsBrownsBum He does have MS so that will severely limit his physical and mental energy.

OP, it feels like home schooling is a crazy idea under the circumstances. Can you possibly consider regular schooling or is that out of the question? Then you'd work, have money of your own, be able to pay for a decorator, be less exhausted... Life might appear rather different then.

But if your feelings stay as they are now then separating is the best option. A sexless marriage won't fulfil both of your needs.

So if it was for the money, you would have left him. You just don't want to have sex with him, end of.

Just move and become self reliant. The kids will survive not being home schooled.

Also, it sounds like you are giving a false sense of reality. Does he k ow if it wasn't for tge money, you'd be gone by now?

Maybe he shouldn’t have had a child then if he knew he couldn’t help out.

He's got ms so sleeps a lot

Exactly how does the MS affect DH and your relationship?

Im sorry, did you say somewhere that he had MS? As in Multiple Sclerosis?

Maybe OP shouldn't have had another child when she was fully aware of all the issues in the relationship.

Cross post!

I would leave. It's hard enough being a carer for a partner with MS if you love and cherish them. If you don't, it will probably break you. Sex is a red herring here and just a symptom of much deeper problems. Either find a really good marital therapist or a really good divorce lawyer would be my advice.

Your marriage is quite unhappy, in more ways than one. Having another child in an already messy situation wasn't appropriate either. It would be best to lay your cards on the table and start preparing for separation.

Oh, there’s always some silly cow available to service that need usually one that’s been abused and broken by a different man
They all facilitate each other

Assuming he’s got any money to give her

I think you're probably both feeling trapped right now. He's vocalised that he feels trapped in a sexless marriage, you feel trapped in a shitty, unsupportive one.

If you want this to work you're going to need a therapist. Someone who's going to help him see that your emotional needs must be met in order to consider his sexual ones and to help you work through your resentment.

I'm of the opinion that he needs to pull his finger out of his arse and put in the work if he wants to get his end away and that it's his responsibility to act like a man, not yours to make him feel like one. But it's a vicious cycle. He's not going to want to help you if you don't give him what he wants, you're not going to give him what he wants if he doesn't give you what you need. Round and round.

My sex drive is only just starting to return after 18 months of being a SAHM to our youngest (of 3). It's draining. For me, I was physically repulsed by trying to have sex that I didn't want. It's not something that you should ever just have to shut up and put up with. He needs to understand that he needs to make you want it.

If he has Ms I would ask exactly how much this effects him, and also if it's worsened recently? I also would ask if you want to carry on with the marriage because I can't see that you are overly keen to do so.

Also if MS isn't preventing him from sex then it can't be stopping him from doing a load of laundry, or checking in on his wife emotionally.

by the way he's treating you he's trapped himself in a sexless marriage!

It als sounds like you need to drop a few plates- if not for him for yourself. Homeschooling on top of everything else sounds like too much.