AIBU to not want sex with my husband?

[Anonymous23458d]

I need some honest opinions as I’m starting to question myself.

I’ve been with my husband 10 years, we have a 4-year-old and a 19-month-old (traumatic birth with the youngest, 3a tear & severe heammorage). I’m at home full-time with both kids and we’re also trying to get the house ready to sell and move.

My husband says I’ve “trapped him in a sexless marriage” and that I’m turning him into “less of a man” because I don’t want sex. He also says I’m manipulative and using sex against him.

For context, we’ve probably had sex about 5 times since our youngest was born 19 months ago.

From my side:

I’m exhausted most of the time

I don’t feel emotionally supported or connected to him

he’s quite dismissive when I raise concerns

he doesn’t help much unless I constantly ask or delegate

A recent example—after a full day of painting, looking after the kids and going to his mothers, I didn’t want sex that evening and it caused a big argument.

He says he’s been patient and I’m being unfair. I feel like being pressured, criticised, and unsupported makes me want it even less.

AIBU to not want sex in this situation?

Maybe he could take a look at himself and his behaviour then and understand why he is being rejected.
Feeling rejected does not excuse his behaviour. And it's not exactly why he is behaving this way, there are other ways to behave in response to feeling rejected, but he chose to be abusive because he is abusive.

Just smacks of victim blaming, 'well if you didn't do that he wouldn't have done that'.

Presumably he just means because she won't have sex with him that she's using it against him, when really all she's trying to do is protect herself from sex she doesn't want.

Another consideration might be how do you both feel about the diagnosis- have you discussed it? The trajectory of the illness, the longer term? Because it's easy to have this whole conversation without considering his condition and your caring role. Just look at the responses. I almost feel like I've read it wrong.

Maybe he could take a look at himself and his behaviour then and understand why he is being rejected.

His behaviour wasn’t the reason he started being rejected (or so it comes across in OPs posts), his behaviour seems to be in retaliation to the rejection. Not ok to call her ugly etc because he’s hurt.
It’s not about ‘victim’ blaming it’s about looking at both sides because they both play a part in the breakdown of this relationship.

Perhaps it started when she had the 3a tear and severe hemorrhage then?

But I would imagine his behaviour has been bad for a long time as she said they have been on the verge of splitting up many times in the past few years and he can be emotionally abusive and changeful.

A decent man wouldn't ever get to the point of calling his partner ugly due to being rejected for sex when they had a 19 month old and she suffered birth trauma so I don't believe for a second that he was a good man who has been driven to this by the OP rejecting sex.

Sometimes it's not that both sides led to the breakdown, some people are just abusive, and then women can lose their libido after childbirth which is a well established fact, especially after a traumatic birth so even if he was perfect up until the OP stopped wanting sex (extremely unlikely) its not really fair to blame someone for something that had no control over. It's not something someone can look at and say "ok I'll do things differently next time and I won't lose my libido, I'll be rearing to go after 3 months".

The marriage is over. You obviously don't like him and are only staying with him out of convenience/financial reasons.

Be strong and leave for both of your sakes.

When my dad died I got dragged into a bad case of depression. Our toddler was 2 years old and between grief and having a young child sex was the last thing in my mind for about an entire year until I decided to reclaim my life. I know DH needed and wanted sex but he never once used this to abuse me. His supportiveness is what made me want him sexually once I resurfaced from grief and we are now back to our normal rhythm. OP I agree with posters who say sex is extremely important for a good relationship and I can almost categorically say it makes partners tolerate each other much better. Having said that you can’t magically inject a good husband into an obnoxious twat and sorry to be blunt but he sounds like one. Regardless of what you do with your marriage my advice would be to go back to work and reclaim your financial independence, then reassess your options objectively.

Wow you have issues,the relationship doesn't sound good but OP isn't saying she doesn't want sex she's saying she doesn't feel supported so, that,really is the issue.Sexual desire is a whole other subject, doesn't rely on feeling supported

What on earth are you on about?
It's called having emotional intelligence, not issues.

OP literally asked the question is she being unreasonable to 'not want sex' in this situation.

In a long term relationship, sexual desire towards a partner for many people absolutely does rely on feeling supported and respected and like you have a connection with a partner. She may well have sexual desire or a libido but have zero sexual desire towards her partner. Completely normal and bizarre that you don't see the link and instead have said she's using sex to punish him.

Gross and so ignorant if you actually believe that. I mean you have google so there's no excuse for such ignorance.

I also didn't add he is constantly criticising me and how I speak. I sometimes get ' shown or showed' mixed up and he always corrects me and rolls his eyes at me when im trying to speak and its infront of our children.
I said today ' can you pick up them toys' in a rush to my child and he goes ' can you pick up THOSE toys. why do you have to speak like your mum all the time it annoys me so much. I don't want our children to be stupid'. Years ago he used to do it will 'saw' and ' seen' and since then I have corrected that. He can't stand my mum getting 'was' and 'were' confused and says I'm just like her. But now its got the point where hes criticising me every day, multiple times a day and I feel like I'm walking on eggshells. I just stop speaking mid sentence when I'm about to say them words. It's very hurtful.

I also would like to add i am in no way stupid. I went to one of the top grammar schools in our area and it's only because my mum spoke like that that I've picked up some of them words. But he makes me feel so bad about it.

Absolutely linked. Are you a man?

It's normal not to want sex PP but 19 months is a long recovery period.It is you who has no emotional intelligence not being able to see it from both sides TBH.

I'm about to say them words. It's very hurtful.

those words!

Didn’t your DH realise how you spoke before he married you?

Although, I do understand that it may not have been an issue for him until you had children. I do agree with your DH that your children should be taught to speak correctly. Especially if you want them to do well in school and in securing a professional role in the future. You’ll pick it up too whilst teaching them. Eventually it’ll become natural to you.

My DH says anythink instead of anything and he went to private school! His dad also says this. It drives me potty! I have 1 DC that says ‘anything’ and the other that says ‘anythink!’ I’m constantly correcting.

I want my children to speak correctly, which i try to do, but I don't believe in belittling your wife infront of them and disrespecting her.
@ArduousAndTedious

I agree with this too.

You’ll have to speak correctly for him not to mention it though. Tough situation!

19 months would be a long recovery period if he was a decent, supportive man but yet some women do take that long even in a good relationship.

There is little chance of recovery if your partner treats you like crap though because they will kill your sexual desire for them, your libido could come roaring back but there could be zero desire to have sex with that person because they're not a safe sex partner.

No it's clearly you, it's 2026 and you're on here saying she's using sex as a punishment and should be able to 'unhitch using sex' to address the problem 🙄

I can see his side, he wants sex and thinks that the OP should still want to have sex regardless of how he treats her, many people feel that way and it's a delusional way of thinking and they tend to find out the hard way. It's never ok to abuse your partner because they don't want sex.

You on the other hand clearly aren't able to see her side at all and have zero understanding of libido and sexual desire, you seem to think sex is just something you should let someone do to you whether you want it or not and that the OP is just consciously choosing to be sexually turned off him. This is a random woman on the internet and you're trying to shame her into having sex she doesn't want by making out she's doing something wrong. If she did agree to sex when she doesn't want it that's also likely to make the whole situation worse and she'd become more averse to sex with him than she already is.

You are being unreasonable to yourself I think.

The only time I have ever completely lost interest in sex in a relationship was when I had actually completely fallen out of love with my boyfriend at the time, and just didn’t want to have sex..with him.

I have a fairly typical sex drive, and my husband and I (3 young children) WANT to have sex twice a week ish. Sometimes more sometimes longer depending on my mood or his mood (mainly mine)

There is a massive difference between being in love with someone and attracted to them and just not quite feeling like it at that time, to not wanting to have sex with them, at all.

Consider this - do you get turned on at all, by a film, or a book or anything. If so - it isn’t your labido.

If it wasn't that he'd find something else to criticize you for.

Are you afraid of him? or just afraid of being criticized? If it's just the criticism I'd take back your power and stop trying to correct how you speak.
I understand you want your kids to speak correctly but better that they say 'them' rather than have them witnessing a mother walking on eggshells whenever she speaks.

I posted this as a way to help a man who op is committed to feel connected to her and the family.... wow...comfort woman... actually why is that so wrong ? giving comfort and not being entirely selfish in a committed relationship is the right thing to do. It should help the op too... feel less pressure.

ok op... if this is more that he is abusive that is a different story really and you need to think about if you actually want to stay in this relationship at all? Calling you ugly is terrible and very very abusive.

What “both sides” is there to see with a man who is abusive to his wife?

Do you abuse your partner too?

There is a lot wrong with being treated like a “Comfort Woman”.

I assume you are ignorant of the term.

Why was your first instinct to 'help the man' and not the woman who actually posted here?

OP doesn't get the most basic level of comfort, a partner being nice to her and supportive, but you thought that she should ignore all of that and instead try to 'comfort' him instead.

I see you said later that he is abusive then this is a very different story, but OP may not have elaborated further and then you would have been advising a random abused woman who you don't know to do things to satisfy a man who is horrible to her, saying it's the right thing to do, making out it's selfish to not give him 'comfort' 🤮 and left it at that.

There was already enough detail in the OP to show why OP would find this really difficult to do, because everyone knows (or should know) that when people are treated poorly they often do not want to have sex, they also should know that having sex when you don't want it can be traumatic, but yet you call it selfish not to do so and make out it's wrong, as if it's some kind of moral failing.

Funny how they even said that seeing as they didn't see both sides themselves, and seemed to have to suspend all knowledge of people, sex and desire in other to reach their conclusion that the OP was simply using sex to punish her partner.

This man is horrible. Ltb