AIBU to not want sex with my husband?

[Anonymous23458d]

I need some honest opinions as I’m starting to question myself.

I’ve been with my husband 10 years, we have a 4-year-old and a 19-month-old (traumatic birth with the youngest, 3a tear & severe heammorage). I’m at home full-time with both kids and we’re also trying to get the house ready to sell and move.

My husband says I’ve “trapped him in a sexless marriage” and that I’m turning him into “less of a man” because I don’t want sex. He also says I’m manipulative and using sex against him.

For context, we’ve probably had sex about 5 times since our youngest was born 19 months ago.

From my side:

I’m exhausted most of the time

I don’t feel emotionally supported or connected to him

he’s quite dismissive when I raise concerns

he doesn’t help much unless I constantly ask or delegate

A recent example—after a full day of painting, looking after the kids and going to his mothers, I didn’t want sex that evening and it caused a big argument.

He says he’s been patient and I’m being unfair. I feel like being pressured, criticised, and unsupported makes me want it even less.

AIBU to not want sex in this situation?

It never ceases to amaze how women here seem to genuinely believe that no matter how awful a husband is - it’s not unreasonable for him to expect to still have sex with her.

I do think it’s unreasonable to expect somebody to have sex with you despite mistreating them.

That’s not quite true. Women here believe that, within reason, men and women can expect to have sex with their spouse. If the man is in fact awful, the woman should leave, rather than remain in an, ostensibly, romantic relationship,

I would say that it’s actually pretty unusual to not want sex at all nearly 2 years after giving birth and that you probably don’t fancy him / aren’t connected with him which is why you don’t want it. Given your updates I can understand why that is. Leave whilst you are young and find someone that you are able to have that connection with.

Sounds like this marriage has run its course.

• Mismatched libidos.
• DH verbally abusive.
• Marriage been in a bad state for years.
• OP hanging on for SAHM / homeschooling benefits.

Sounds like a home full of resentment and verbal abuse—not a great environment for young children to be living in.

Many men with 19 month olds do in fact put up with it because many women with toddlers that age still don't have their libido back.
It's different later on but at this stage there would still be some men who don't pressure their partner for sex and they wouldn't consider leaving during the early child-rearing years.

There's no hope for the OPs relationship because there's no way her libido will return for a man like this.

The youngest is just over 18 months old and she had a 3a tear and severe hemorrhage. It wouldn't be unusual in any way to not want sex at this point even if she had a good partner, which obviously she doesn't.

Forget the home schooling. Get the children in a nursery/school and away from this horrible, toxic marriage.

Get a job and some financial independence and then you can both split when your house sells.

I hope you both find whatever or whoever makes you happy. But it's not each other.

That's not quite true either, there's been a lot of similar threads in the past year and there's often a chorus of 'he's not unreasonable' as if it's actually ok for men to go on like that and to express their entitlement to sex even when they're being the type of partner that no one would want to have sex with.

I agree she should leave but with a 19 month old and a 4 year old that could take time, and often the comments suggesting women should leave relationships like that include comments like how it's not fair on him and he should get to find someone who wants him, often ignoring the fact that he'll probably find himself again with another partner who doesn't want sex because of his attitude and behaviour.

There are definitely a lot of people who think that it's still reasonable for a man to want sex AND to express that want, in nasty ways, no matter how bad the issues are in the relationship.

If he doesn't know then he's giving himself a false sense of reality, because surely he doesn't think that his wife is going to be in love with him and sexually attracted to him when he behaves like this? Does he need that spelled out?

And they don't have to if they don't want to, 19 months without sex is a long time and a lot of men would very much consider leaving after 19 months without sex and - perhaps even more pertinently - her clear indication that this will not change.

And regardless of the mythical unicorn men who'd be happy with this situation, he's not, as is his right.

There's no hope for their relationship. She doesn't fancy him for whatever reason and he's not going to just do without sex because she says so.

And he also sounds like he's not giving her the support she wants, perhaps at least in part because he has multiple sclerosis, something she threw in very quickly and barely mentioned, which was an extremely odd way to address such a massive issue.

And of course she should never have given up working and expected a man with multiple sclerosis to be the sole provider financially for her and their children, let alone the strange choice to have another kid with a man with multiple sclerosis. But what's done is done so now it's time for her to ge t a job and divorce him.

She wanted to be told it was ok to refuse her husband sex forever - she's made it clear she does not fancy him and has made no indication of any kind that she'd like to work towards having sex with her husband again.

Well, it's always her choice of course. It's ok in the sense that she has autonomy over her own body.

And it's ok for him to say nope, not having that, and leave. No sex is a huge thing for most people in a marriage.

What she cannot expect is that he stays in a sexless marriage with a woman who despises him, but keeps paying the bills. Time for the marriage to end.

She also only threw in her traumatic birth, 3a tear and severe hemorrhage just over 18 months ago 'very quickly' and didn't give much detail either, no doubt that had a huge impact on her emotionally and physically and recovery couldn't have been easy. So the way she mentioned MS is in line with that.

Many men absolutely wouldn't consider leaving at this stage after their wife had been through such a trauma (and I'm generally quite negative about men) so no they're not mythical unicorns.

And yes men (or women) in this situation are allowed to be unhappy about it and that is their right, what they don't have the 'right' to do is to express that unhappiness in such awful, abusive and coercive ways.

No different than if someone was unhappy about any other aspect of the relationship, you're allowed to be unhappy, you're not allowed to abuse your partner over it.

She never said she expected him to stay did she?
I would also imagine that he's highly unlikely to leave anyway, because like her he will struggle to see how he would manage alone and realistically for him I doubt the grass will be greener and I'd say he knows that, so I think OP will be the one who will end things.

There’s no ‘rule’ that’s says you can only ask for, and be entitled to sex if you’re nice, or that being unpleasant disqualifies you from sex. A man, or a woman, in a romantic relationship, is not unreasonable to expect sex, regardless of their behaviour, because they’re in a relationship. Equally, their partner is under absolutely no obligation to ever have sex, and may terminate the relationship at any time, with immediate effect, and without notice.

Is five glasses of wine in nineteen months teetotal?

Oh hell no - I'd leave him on this basis tbh! True colours moment, he turned into a spiteful child when he didn't get his own way.
Hope you're ok OP, sorry you're going through this x

Yes they are unreasonable to expect sex regardless of their behaviour just because they're in a relationship. That reeks of entitlement and is a toxic view and also isn't in line with reality, when generally sex will in fact die when there is poor behaviour. Expecting sex in those circumstances is simply delusional, toxic and as I said before entitled.

If I was treating a partner poorly there's no way I would feel entitled to have sex, just because they were in a relationship with me.

Don't talk daft, of course she wants him to stay and accept zero sex, otherwise there would be no thread.

At no point did she indicate - at all - or even hint that she was planning to divorce him, she's just angry he won't accept her decision about sex and claimed to be reliant on him financially in her post.

He's not going to accept no sex and is bitterly unhappy about it. She doesn't want sex and said she doesn't fancy him and has nowhere indicated even slightly she's willing to make any attempt to revive their sex life.

So that's that, relationship over, she can get back to paid work and divorce him.

That’s your opinion. It’s not an established rule. Perhaps this man is very stupid and doesn’t realise he’s behaving badly. If OP doesn’t like it, which she very clearly doesn’t, there is a very straightforward solution.

You're the one talking daft.

She posted here after being abused when she rejected him and he told her he didn't want to anyway because she was ugly.

She sounds like she does want to leave, but like many in her situation with young kids she's worried about how she'd cope and probably clinging on for as long as possible without taking steps to end it.

She said they've been on the verge of ending it many times in the past few years and also that she would have left a long time ago but not sure how she would do it on her own, so she definitely has been considering leaving, just unsure how to go about it, which is normal after her traumatic birth and with the kids being so young.

Yes, and perhaps a woman who wrote in passing that her husband has multiple sclerosis, casually in one sentence tossing in "ms" like it was an afterthought, is not an entirely reliable narrator either tbh.

When we actually look at what he's done it's "I don’t feel emotionally supported or connected to him, he’s quite dismissive when I raise concerns, he doesn’t help much unless I constantly ask or delegate" and he called her ugly in an argument.

Not great behaviour - but what did she call him, or say to him? She likes not sleeping in the same bed as him. And how does being rejected for sex with absolutely no interest at all in reviving it or discussing it make him feel?

And why on earth would she choose to give up work and have another child with a man who is "tired a lot" because he has multiple sclerosis? And why is there no apparent sympathy at all for having such a devastating illness despite wanting sympathy for her own physical struggles?

I tend to lean in heavily on the women's side in most of these scenarios. But there's something off about the OP's narrative.

Completely agree. It is always interesting hearing other people’s opinions but it must be a stretch to think when you treat someone poorly in a romantic relationship there is still an entitlement to sex.

Yes obviously it's not an established rule seeing as many have no issue with being sexually coercive or abusive if they want sex and they're not getting it. But it's still a fact that it's delusional and entitled to expect sex in those circumstances, not just opinion.

Maybe he doesn't realise, that doesn't make it ok, many abusers don't realise either and think their behaviour is ok because of x and y reasons.

I wouldn't call the solution 'straightforward' as it's difficult for women to leave abusive relationships where they are financially dependent and have small children. There is a solution, but it's not straightforward, but I hope she is able to start taking steps in that direction.

Leaving the other parent of your young children is never a straight forward decision in the real world. It is fraught, complex and requires a lot of decisions but it is necessary in some situations and emotionally abuse is one of them.

All she has actually said is he called her ugly during a fight, doesn't give the support she wants and wants sex as well as being tired because of his life altering illness. She casually metioned in passing him being tired because of "ms" as she off handedly admitted and wants him to hang around with zero sex and keep paying the bills.

She doesn't like him is happy to sleep without him in another bed and doesn't fancy him.

But she's also happy to keep staying with him so long as he provides financially and has not indicated anything at all to the contrary.

Stripped down to its nuts and bolts that's the whole story she has told.

Stop talking daft, of course he doesn't have to accept her demand for a sexless marriage, and of course she doesn't have to have sex.

She can just get a job and end the relationship. Problem absolutely 100% solved.

Fortunately nobody at all is saying he has an entitlement to sex. Just that she does not have an entitlement to say no you will not have sex, ever again, or maybe sometime in a vague future if I feel like it.

She is allowed to say no and he is allowed to say I won't be in a sexless marriage.

So she can get a job, and end the relationship and the problem will be 100% solved.