Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How much damage have I done to my child by doing this? I feel sick

244 replies

10000ak · 07/04/2026 20:19

DS is 4 in a couple of months. Not yet at school. I am a single parent and usually manage reasonably ok.

Tonight I absolutely lost it. I don’t really remember what started it but I was doing the bath and ds was going mad about his hair being washed, hitting me, then started spitting at me and splashing water out of the bath to me. I stayed calm for a few minutes and tried to get him to stop. He eventually did and then it started up again. I just burst into tears and shouted ‘I hate you’ over and over and he was saying stop mum stop it mum. It was awful. I left the bathroom for a minute or so (no bath water left in tub at this point) and came back and I think he said sorry mum, I don’t really remember, I just rinsed his hair then he got out and he was upset and so was I. I dressed him and said I was going downstairs for a few minutes.

I went back upstairs and gave him a hug and he said I’m sorry mum, I asked him to sit down and I said I was very sorry for shouting, mum should never ever do that and she is sorry and she loves you all the time always and I only said unkind things because I was very tired and I was upset at being hit and splashed but it was wrong of me. He said he was sorry too. We hugged again.

Evening was fine after that. I feel horrendously sick and can’t eat and definitely won’t sleep. I can’t actually believe what I said to him in such a horrible way on repeat. I don’t need anyone to tell me this is wrong, I know it is. How much damage do you think I have done? What else can I do to fix this? I hate myself so much and feel like I’ve completely let myself down as a parent and mother. What a mess.

OP posts:
Original poster
10000ak · 07/04/2026 20:20

I keep imagining him in bed now thinking about what I said and wondering if I hate him.

OP posts:
Original poster
10000ak · 07/04/2026 20:21

I don’t know whether to bring it up again or if it’s best to leave it

OP posts:
Fidgety31 · 07/04/2026 20:22

You will probably remember this in much more detail than he ever will.
It was not your proudest moment - but it’s done now and there is no point worrying over it . Just try and not respond in the same way again .

converseandjeans · 07/04/2026 20:23

I think you should just have another chat with him tomorrow & reassure him you were cross & tired. It sounds like he was being a bit of a handful. I don’t think a one off will be damaging but if this was a regular thing then that would be different.

Rocknrollstar · 07/04/2026 20:24

Everything will be fine. Honestly, we all lose it at one time or another.You have a lot on your plate. Just give him a nice time tomorrow. I used to sing ‘the hills are alive with the sound of music’ when it got too much for me. Bathtimes are the worst - they are tired and so are you. Trust me - I lost it a few times with DD when she was little and she grew up to be my best friend and travel partner.

RoseField1 · 07/04/2026 20:24

You haven't damaged him. You said sorry and said you were wrong. Yes he was probably upset but if he's generally a secure and well loved child he won't dwell on it. I understand that he was pushing your buttons but do you know what pushed you over the edge? On reflection how could you have de escalated it before it got that far?

MummyWillow1 · 07/04/2026 20:24

Just leave it. You apologised to him which is good. He has learnt that pushing buttons of adults has consequences. You have demonstrated to him that the way to repair relationships is to apologise.

Jellybunny98 · 07/04/2026 20:24

You already know this was wrong, so I won’t go into that but you really really need to figure out how to avoid this happening again.

autumnboys · 07/04/2026 20:24

Please make yourself a cup of tea and have a sit down. It wasn’t an ideal way to react, but it sounds like you handled it okay afterwards and talked and explained. I don’t think there’s a parent out there who hasn’t done or said things they regret at least once. I certainly have. Please be kind to yourself. It sounds like you have a great bond and this was out of character for you.

Abitlosttoday · 07/04/2026 20:24

I have had similar horrendous reactions to my son's extremely testing behaviour. Maybe three times. Awful. He's fine. I am consistently loving and vocal about my love for him. He is well balanced and doing great socially and academically. He is almost 9. Your son will be fine if you're in control 99.999999% of the time. X

Zanatdy · 07/04/2026 20:25

Don’t beat yourself up. You handled it the right way, and he won’t remember. Maybe step out of the room to calm down next time. Kids can certainly press our buttons.

Sirzy · 07/04/2026 20:25

You got it wrong but you acknowledged that and you did the right thing but apologising to him.

no parent gets it right all the time but it is very important to teach your child that if you do mess up you apologise and mean it

Original poster
10000ak · 07/04/2026 20:25

It’s the fact that I repeated so angrily that I hated him. I don’t think I would feel so bad if I had said ‘I hate this I hate this etc’ but saying I hate him… how could I have done that. I am so worried his little mind will be thinking about this when he’s in bed on his own.

OP posts:
Happytap · 07/04/2026 20:25

I would leave it. You apologised, calmed yourself down and repaired with him. You obviously care about him to be even asking this and beating yourself up so much. Everyone has snapped at some point, give yourself grace.

Yes, it would be good for this not to happen again and it sounds like you've learned a lot from this which will help that be the case. When you've recovered maybe have a think about what contributed to you losing your cool tonight and what support you might need - more sleep, water, food, fun etc etc.

Beating yourself up won't help you or him, so try and move forward positively. Children remember how you make them feel most of the time, not the one offs. Hugs to you both

mathanxiety · 07/04/2026 20:25

Go to sleep.

This will not scar him for even a day.

NeedingASafeSpace · 07/04/2026 20:25

OP we have all been there. I haven’t said I hated my children but I sure have lost it for no reason at all. If you wasn’t a good mum then you wouldn’t be worrying now.
you made a mends and have learnt from it.
what’s been said has been said now and can’t get taken back but just explain agin tomorrow and go from there that’s all you can do. Could you have him in bed with you tonight to cuddle him and make sure he feels your love and safety?
i feel guilty every single day. I am also a single mother to two so I loose my cool and tell my children off multiple times a day as they scream and fight constantly. They don’t listen to my soft voice, either. Well, not always.
try not to worry too much you sound like you’re extremely overstimulated

NormasArse · 07/04/2026 20:26

There is absolutely no point hating yourself because that will get you deeper into the low tolerance zone.

If it happens again- just pull the plug out and finish the bath.

For now- I wouldn’t keep bringing it up- just remind him how much you love him, and name the things about him that you love/make you smile.

mathanxiety · 07/04/2026 20:27

10000ak · 07/04/2026 20:25

It’s the fact that I repeated so angrily that I hated him. I don’t think I would feel so bad if I had said ‘I hate this I hate this etc’ but saying I hate him… how could I have done that. I am so worried his little mind will be thinking about this when he’s in bed on his own.

He will be fast asleep and tomorrow is a new day.

Cut yourself some slack.

Stop ruminating.

Credittocress · 07/04/2026 20:27

You haven’t done him any damage at all. Stop imagining him in bed and go in there and lie down next to him and cuddle him asleep. It’ll make you feel better

Keepingthingsinteresting · 07/04/2026 20:27

I’m not sure how you intended the voting to work @10000ak but I think you were at the end of your teacher and need to give yourself a break a bit.

Original poster
10000ak · 07/04/2026 20:27

The kind posts are making me cry. I don’t deserve them one jot but thank you to everyone who has replied. I feel like the absolute shittest mother tonight. I just hope he is ok.

OP posts:
WearyAuldWumman · 07/04/2026 20:27

When I was an adolescent, I screamed at Mum: "I wish I'd never been born!"

Mum yelled back: "So do I!"

That took the wind out of my sails. I never doubted my mother's love for a second, and I know that she always loved me. You'll be fine @OP .

SilenceInside · 07/04/2026 20:27

As a one off I don’t think you’ll have done any permanent damage. You handled the aftermath well imo, said the right things and demonstrated how to say sorry and move on. I wouldn’t bring it up again unless he does. There’s no point feeling sick and beating yourself up about it now, people make mistakes but it’s how you learn from it and move on that matters.

So, if you can’t sleep, I’d just be thinking about if there are any changes that you could make to avoid getting into that sort of situation again. If he hates having his hair washed, are there other approaches you could take to getting it washed, and so on.

buymeflowers · 07/04/2026 20:28

It’s obviously not your finest moment but I think your son just learned an important lesson that you are a human being too and not an infinite source of patience to be hit and spat at by a small child.

Pearlstillsinging · 07/04/2026 20:28

Resolve not to repeat this incident and there will be no harm done BUT don't let him hit you or spit at you. If he starts to do either of those things pull out the plug and remove him from the bath immediately. You could give him one warning but don't allow the behaviour to continue and make sure he knows that a consequence of doing so is that bath time stops.
You will both e joy the experience far more.