AIBU to be astounded at people’s shamelessness?

[Dontbeconspicuous]

On a train home from work. Girl came and sat next to me (looked around 18-22) started scrolling TikTok at mid-volume. I politely asked “excuse me do you have any headphones?” She said she didn’t so I asked if she would turn the volume down so we didn’t all have to listen.

That lasted around 30 seconds before she started again. After another 5-10 minutes I asked again, “excuse me could you turn the volume down so we don’t all have to hear it”, she just looked at me blankly, made a quick phone call then carried on scrolling at an even louder volume. Loads of other people in the carriage but no one said anything. I didn’t bother again as it was now clear what the outcome would be.

How have we got to the point where someone can have their antisocial behaviour pointed out to them twice, but just carry on regardless? When did people become so brazen?

PS I don’t want to hear “just bring your own headphones” because that doesn’t address the complete lack of respect for other people.

There are already (some) posters asking people to use headphones. Doesn’t seem to help. I find it extraordinary. When I’ve asked someone to turn it down I get ‘mad old bitch’. (Yes I am over 50)

Yes I have done the same to a young man before actually! I will admit it’s easier as a woman to ask other women - we all know why and that’s a problem but there are few people brave enough to challenge intimidating men.

But moreover why is me tackling her antisocial behaviour more unreasonable than the behaviour itself? Yes it is an issue when it’s interrupting other people’s peace. Have you ever tried reading whilst someone is scrolling videos next to you meaning a constant change in volume/ tone of voice/ music going on and off etc - it’s impossible.

I agree @Dontbeconspicuous - it’s v rude behaviour and so inconsiderate.
I went into a labelled quiet room at an airport recently for some peace with my DD, only to have a group of around 30 school kids on a trip come in and start talking, singing, walking in and out banging doors - even after I pointed out it was a quiet room.

it’s so annoying but we are made to be the unreasonable ones for pointing it out!

Sounds like absolute hell.

I feel torn here because I can understand how people find this irritating but if the volume is no louder than what it would be when 2 people having a conversation then I don’t really think it is a problem. Yes ideally she would use headphones but if she didn’t have any and the volume wasn’t obnoxiously loud then then I don’t really think it’ can be classed at antisocial behaviour unless you are in a quiet carriage

1. It’s extremely different to human conversation- it can’t be tuned out in the same way, the noise quality is totally different and is changing from one sound/music/voice to another every few seconds.
2. “If she didn’t have any [headphones]” she could have entertained herself another way- there are a multitude of different things she could have done on her phone that don’t require sound.

I’m afraid I have to disagree. Don’t get me wrong I’m not a fan of it either but there are plenty conversations and other forms of noise on public transport that I’m not a fan of either and I think these are things that we have to accept when using it. Sorry OP much as I do sympathise with you I think you need to be more tolerant of other users and how they like to pass time on their journey.

Talking to people loudly on speakerphone on public transport is definitely anti social behaviour. It’s sadly becoming normalised but it shouldn’t. Why is it ok to inflict a private conversation on others often at deafening volume.

I fail to see what feminism has got to do with this topic?

Are you honestly saying that posters would feel more annoyed by a young women being rude and inconsiderate on public transport than a young man?

What nonsense!

I am completely with op here. Any person, whatever their sex, viewing their phone with the volume up, in a public space, and then deliberately turning it up even louder when challenged, is utterly shameless eg without shame or guilt, or even acknowledgment that their behaviour is really poor.

I don’t really blame the youth though. They have been brought up in a world that constantly tells them “be the best you”, “have strong boundaries”, “be kind to yourself” “practice self care”, “do these five things to make you stronger, fitter, more organised, more beautiful” which is all fine save for the fact that no one talks any more about how one should behave in relation to others or the wider community. And how the comfort and respect of others is just as important as your own.

Yes.

I mean Im just being my true self. And if my true self happens to be an arsehole, well you just have to accept me for that and include me and welcome me and enjoy me being around you and if you dont thats not nice.

i do t think it’s a bad thing that if we threaten other people we get arrested.

Asking people not to play amplified sound from their phone in a public space is not threatening anyone.

TBH retaliating by playing ‘better’ music isn’t sensible either.

^^ Totally this!

I think this is an interesting point. Especially in comparison to other levels of conversation / activity on a busy train. It’s really subjective isn’t it - wouldn’t bother me really but might someone else. And I always find that people who didn’t grow up with phones have the most to say about this particular activity.

a few weeks back I was in a shopping centre trying to find this play cafe DC was invited to for her friends birthday. It’s a huge shopping centre, we were already running late for a 2h slot so I was frantically googling which way to go. This couple loudly and passive aggressively said in to the air “THESE PEOPLE ALWAYS ON THEIR PHONES, CAN’T JUST LIVE IN THE REAL WORLD” or something to that account. I just felt rage go over me - you have NO idea what I’m doing but feel it’s your place to judge.

Same with watching mindless videos on the train - maybe someone is just trying to distract themselves from whatever is going on in life, do they automatically have to be labelled?

It’s so rude and i’m sick of it, people are so inconsiderate. If you have no headphones then just scroll something that doesn’t require sound. The whole carriage does not want to hear it.

I agree. I have asked people before and they’ve obliged but I’m sure some couldn’t give a bollock.

I had the same yesterday on the tube and I just stuck my noise cancelling ear buds in as actually I could t tell where it was coming from. I often move away from the person if at all possible.

I don’t agree. The sound from a phone is more shrill and really irritating (and usually louder than the sound of the train/bus or whatever. Normal conversation is a different pitch.
Yes, there’s other types of antisocial behaviour but the OP was specifically talking about noise from phones. Headphones are ten a penny, you don’t need expensive ones, so there is no excuse imho. Decent people would just mute their phones and scroll silently.
These phone people need to have more consideration for people than we do for them. That’s the #bekind BS talking.

Why didn’t you ask the staff to stop them? Air stewards usually take no nonsense.

agree with the OP and others. FWIW I take the tube most days and I always tell people to turn their music down or take their feet off the seats. I once had some teens vaping on the train and I reported them to BTP and told them so as they got off the train.

to be fair - I get on in zone 6 with a bunch of other suburban middle aged people and I actually hardly see this behaviour when I travel but it’s more common at other times.

No they need to be considerate of other travellers as a priority and read or do something quiet on journeys or use headphones as much as possible

I'm really interested to read this because presumably it's how people who do this feel.

I find it incredibly irritating and impossible to tune out even with my own headphones in. Any phone noise is bad because it's so tinny, but scrolling is the worst because the sound changes every few seconds. I admire people who speak up: I mostly silently seethe.

“maybe someone is just trying to distract themselves” - I actually get this as I sometimes get overwhelmingly anxious and use my phone to distract myself, however there’s no need to inflict noise on others to do so.

If that’s “how they like to pass the time on their journey” then they can make sure they use headphones! It’s just incredibly selfish.

It’s not down to others to be more tolerant, it’s down to individuals to be more considerate.

As I’ve said it’s not something I like either but it is the world we live in and unless you are on a quiet carriage or its obnoxiously loud then I don’t really think there is much you can do. Yes in an ideal world they would use headphones but when using public transport you are going to get different types and levels of noise and u can think of lots of worse things than this. Maybe I’m just more tolerant and accept that when using public transport I’m going to be sharing it with members of the public that may have different ways to pass their journey but as long as they aren’t hurting or endangering anyone that is up to them. I personally like to read and do t have any problem shutting out the noise around me

I like to read and very much do have problems shutting out the sound around me. The point is, we are all different. I try and find a quiet carriage but they aren’t always available.

Also, I think there is a standard of behaviour that falls between martyring yourself for others, and not hurting or endangering them? The latter is a pretty low base. How about trying not to irritate, annoy or upset others? How about showing a bit of consideration?

“but it is the world we live in”
these kind of attitudes are the reason society is crumbling- increasing acceptance of antisocial behaviour. Would you regard littering as “just the world we live in” or do you think it’s poor personal conduct?

And as pp above pointed out, whilst you personally are able to tune out the distinct type of noise pollution that is scrolling videos, many people can’t - it actually is a real problem. And more importantly they shouldn’t have to try.

Unfortunately there’s no quiet car on my 10-carriage commuter train even though many stations on the route are over an hour’s journey. If there was I’d be there like a shot.