AIBU to wonder what one could afford as a non-resident parent?

[GlovedhandsCecilia]

To ask what you could afford if you had to split and you were the NRP.

I just worked out that if we were to split, I had to find a new place to live and pay CM, I'd only be able to afford a really bad studio or houseshare once I covered both their and my own necessities. That would mean I couldn't have them stay over.

To get a place I could have them stay over, I'd have to move a distance away that would make it hard to see them in the evenings given the distance, work and pure exhaustion on all sides.

I couldn't even see them every weekend because I have to work some weekends and I feel like at the moment, this job is the best paid job I could get. So if I did swap jobs to see them more, they'd get less CM and be worse off.

How would this situation look for you?

I’m well aware it’s a theoretical situation. You’re losing track of your own thread.

although, I am sorry you are poor

Yeah that's the same for many NRP I know.

and you think that’s fair?

Yes. You say this NOW, in the context of a happy marriage.

If you were actually divorcing, there would be reasons, and complicated situations, and the idea of ‘I’ll happily pay the mortgage on a house I’m not living in, for the kids’ wouldn’t be long vanishing.

You’d still consider you were doing the best for your DC. It would look differently, that’s all.

Unsure why you are so unwilling to accept the word of many of us who’ve directly experienced this.

I think fair is irrelevant. The numbers are what the numbers are.

I kind of find it galling that you would ask people on here the hypothetical on this situation and then argue about it when people (who have been through it!!) tell you what could and actually happened for them. But ok…you keep thinking over there

Because I think perhaps it isnt as fundamental for some of you to stay right where you are (childcare/support network reasons) but not be able to get adequate secure accommodation in that area (price).

There’s a couple of issues with staying on the mortgage of a home you don’t live in.

one is you’re unlikely to get a second mortgage for your own property, or at least the first mortgage will be taken into account when deciding the loan amount.

second is if the person in that property lives with a new partner, banks really don’t like a second adult not on the mortgage as eventually they can lay claim to the property. When my brother’s ex moved her OM in DB was not allowed to remain on the mortgage or deeds. A court ordered that she “bought” him out- which was 10k out of 70k equity because she couldn’t afford more.

remaining financially linked to an adult you don’t have a relationship with is not a great idea generally. You can’t get divorced, or shouldn’t, until finances are sorted. That means you are on the line for any consequences they choose financially.

courts are now in favour of clean breaks.

I have a friend who hated her husband and spent years moaning about how she wouldn’t ever be able to divorce as the numbers didn’t work. One day she truly made her decision and it just happened. She bought him out, and she’s a teaching assistant in SW London.

In your situation you are going to remain married so but just not living together so no benefits can be applied for, child benefit wont be applied for. No court will grant a divorce without money been separated

What a totally pointless thread.

Sorry but are you for real??? Look, you've had dozens of posters telling you how things change after divorce. You cannot confidently predict anything at all. Loads of us have seen our exes change beyond recognition. I would never in a thousand years have thought mine would become as cold and distant to both me and the kids.

He wouldn't want me to bring another man around the kids in the family home so he wouldn't do it either. It's actually a flaw of his because it makes him pompous.

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 oh @GlovedhandsCecilia honestly the naivety…if a man wants to do something, especially once separated/divorced…he will!!BELIEVE ME!!

I didnt say he wouldnt see other people. He wouldn't move them in. Purely because he would always want the standing that he never did that while kids are young if I ever wanted to. He's like that to a fault.

Again…let me explain…he will do what he wants if he sees fit. I’m sorry I know you find that hard to believe but ask any other woman on here who HAS been through separation or divorce and they will tell you.

I know he wouldn't "see fit" to do that. Not while the kids are young.

Assuming the RP bought me out of our flat (which they could afford to do) I’d be able to afford a flat with room for the children to stay, in a nearby but less expensive area

Ok…

Every married person thinks this, very few are correct. And honestly I would never expect him to remain single for years on end, life is too short.

Nor would I. I just know he wouldn't move anyone in.

You don’t know that.

If you were to divorce, his loyalty no longer lies with you. He would be free to see other people, same as you would, and would you honestly want neither of you to have another partner for years on end? Would you not want your children to grow up learning about relationships in watching their parents?

The problem with saying “in theory we would xyz” is that you never know how either of you would behave until it happens.

It’s very easy to say “I would never” or “my husband would never if we split up”. It’s very different in real.

Theoretical threads are pointless imo. Have just come back to see my common miles up thread and realised this is “theoretical” nonsense.