AIBU to wonder what one could afford as a non-resident parent?

[GlovedhandsCecilia]

To ask what you could afford if you had to split and you were the NRP.

I just worked out that if we were to split, I had to find a new place to live and pay CM, I'd only be able to afford a really bad studio or houseshare once I covered both their and my own necessities. That would mean I couldn't have them stay over.

To get a place I could have them stay over, I'd have to move a distance away that would make it hard to see them in the evenings given the distance, work and pure exhaustion on all sides.

I couldn't even see them every weekend because I have to work some weekends and I feel like at the moment, this job is the best paid job I could get. So if I did swap jobs to see them more, they'd get less CM and be worse off.

How would this situation look for you?

I think that for us, it would mean not just leaving our house, but our area where we have roots. We wouldn't be able to live in this part of London at all, I think. That would massively impact on childcare and general support network for all of us.

That's what I thought.

Not really. Just wondering how it would work out if we were breaking up.

So, selling the house and each of you renting or buying somewhere small would probably be better. Kids don’t have to have a bedroom each.

How would you feel as the NRP if your husband stayed in the family house with your kids and you were living in a small bedsit and only seeing them once a week, whilst working full time so you could pay half of his mortgage? That is not what I would want to do.

Id want my kids to always have a family home that is a base for everyone.

Im talking about what I'd want to do and my own intentions if we were splitting and I thought it best I was the NRP. I'm talking about how I'd manage that practically. I know I wouldn't behave badly so your ex is irrelevant to the conversation.

Yes.

You’re basing it on the fact you’d still be paying towards a mortgage you’re not living in- that is not the typical reality.

The ONLY thing a NRP has to pay is CMS. The rest of their money is theirs to fund their own home etc.

If you’d choose to pay a mortgage for a house you’re not living in then no you wouldn’t be left with much because not many people could afford to pay a mortgage on one house and rent on another.

Why would the RP not already be in FT work? We both are.

Less money for childcare, doing 100% of everything including illnesses etc when the children can’t attend school/nursery. A lot can’t to avoid burn out.

When I was a lone parent I wouldn’t have coped working fulltime.

We would both be okay, however we planned our divorce before we got married (very romantic) so all assets would be split 50/50, he would stay in the family home (its been in his family for years) and I would get another property, currently a holiday let that I could live in, or sell and buy something else.

Where we live the equivalent of CMS is based on the childrens needs/costs rather than the NRPs earning, so it prevents people ‘winning’ by taking a poorly paid job/going on benefits.

Typically NRPs have time to work more hours of study to better themselves, so have a far greater opportunity to increase their earnings, they also have fewer day to day costs as they are unlikely to cover 50% of their childrens financial costs in the UK.

I moved out…my ex bought me out, I bought my own place. It happens.

Most people i know are reliant on 2 FT salaries

No. Depending on the divorce settlement, the ex either buys you out or the house is sold and split (usually 50:50). Again it all depends on %awarded and that depends on earning potential, housing needs (not wants).
Even if the court agrees a deferred sale (until the kids are 18 etc.) you’re not expected to pay in that time.

Yeah because I assume like me, most people have reasons they wouldn't be able to move.

That’s not what the reality is for the majority of people, for exactly the reasons you mention- not many people can afford to pay for 2 houses.

Hence the typical outcomes are either:

1. the family home is sold, equity is split and both parents buy somewhere themselves

2. one parent buys the other out of the family home so that both parents have the ability to buy somewhere

You say that this is what always happens with divorces with couples near you and the ‘guy’ carries on paying half the mortgage.

You’re suggesting that you would be the one doing that though. Are you happy to do that and live in an bedsit, only seeing your children once a week?

Most dc would want a proper relationship with both parents more than they would want a nice house. I don’t think people realise how fundamentally the relationship changes when you only see your dc one night/eow. Obviously dc need to be housed but people really overestimate the importance of a big house and underestimate the importance of frequent contact and just always being there in the background of kids lives. I’ve seen a huge change in dc/exH relationship now he is a eow dad. It’s like the difference between a couple living together fulltime and having an eow long distance relationship.

Some do shared ownership or live in park homes to stay near their kids.

It’s not a good deal financially if the RP is paying down the mortgage over many years post separation and ends up with only half years later - that just delays when the RP has a massive drop in housing and often at an age they can’t get a decent mortgage to make up shortfall. It’s just delaying the inevitable. Often 50% now will buy more than 50% 10-15 years later.

But i don’t know any RP who spends less than 20% of their income on their dc. I can only dream of keeping 80% for myself.

1. I think a lot of people would not be able to buy once, let alone twice l, after the split
2. Neither of us could buy out the other

This is why I asked what the situation would actually be for the people responding. So how would it work for you?

If someone can afford to pay rent, bills, CMS and part of a mortgage on another home then they have the means to buy a property imo. It makes no sense

I'm not in that situation but I am imagining one where for whatever reason, it would be better for me to move out.

Depends on your rent surely. I'd have to find somewhere mega cheap

Fair enough, if you’re happy to live in a bedsit and pay half a mortgage and CM so that your husband’s life in the family home remains unchanged, then that’s up to you.

The answer to your actual thread question obviously depends on the earnings of the non-resident parent and where they live. If you were an accountant earning £150k and living in the north, you’d easily be able to find somewhere comfortable to live. If sounds like you live in London though, so would be far more limited. What’s your monthly salary-once you’ve paid half of this mortgage that you are dead set on paying plus maintenance for the kids, what’s left?

And in this day n age…the chances of that are extremely slim. I moved out and had to pay 1400 rent..that was half my wage at the time! I had my dc 50:50 though. No CMS for either of us.

How would this situation look for you

I think having them sleep over at my place would not be l as important than seeing them more frequently and having a bit more cash for them.