AIBU to wonder what one could afford as a non-resident parent?

[GlovedhandsCecilia]

To ask what you could afford if you had to split and you were the NRP.

I just worked out that if we were to split, I had to find a new place to live and pay CM, I'd only be able to afford a really bad studio or houseshare once I covered both their and my own necessities. That would mean I couldn't have them stay over.

To get a place I could have them stay over, I'd have to move a distance away that would make it hard to see them in the evenings given the distance, work and pure exhaustion on all sides.

I couldn't even see them every weekend because I have to work some weekends and I feel like at the moment, this job is the best paid job I could get. So if I did swap jobs to see them more, they'd get less CM and be worse off.

How would this situation look for you?

If you were an accountant on a good salary in the north, yes you could easily find somewhere else to live, but it would be unlikely to be within your naice area with the same number of bedrooms.

The housing costs may be lower relative to the SE but you’re in the same situation: how do you provide continuity for the kids - ie keep them in the same school - when suddenly you need two residences in the same area? Not many people live in an area where housing costs are low compared to their earnings, they buy the best they can afford on a joint salary.

We are in this situation OP, agreed to separate but NRP rightly would want adequate space for the kids (they don’t want just going to pizza express once a fortnight), so we are trapped until we can both earn more. As we can’t afford two places, especially having one disabled DC. It’s very hard

If both parents are in FT work then both surely would be capable of getting their own places if the house was sold? Even if that meant getting new jobs to have higher income.

If there is no element of financial support (while together) from the one who will become the NRP then surely it's a lot easier to sort out the logistics after a split as it's pretty much an equal playing field in terms of working hours etc?

But definitely it's highly unlikely you'd be able to afford a family home in a nice area of London without 2 incomes coming in.

We would sell and both buy properties, smaller yes but we both would need somewhere to have our children regularly.

Separating means separating, part of that is that one day both of us may meet someone new and want to build a life with that person and that’s another reason separating finances is best, it allows everyone a clean slate to move on and build a new life.

Yes I know what it depends on. I'm asking for other people's circumstances if they had to be the NRP. How would it specifically work out for you.

Yeah. I think rent for somewhere the kids to stay would be about 2k around here.

why are you so determined that you would have to be the NRP?

It depends on how much those jobs pay. Let's say I am a nurse with 5 years experience and already in a mid-senior position. I can't just apply to become a consultant cardiologist for better pay.

Fair enough, if you’re happy to live in a bedsit and pay half a mortgage and CM so that your husband’s life in the family home remains unchanged, then that’s up to you.

I think if someone were to continue paying towards a mortgage for a place they aren't even living in then that would be their CMS contribution covered. I'd expect them still to buy things for the children as and when necessary but if the RP is having half their living expenses covered then I don't think there'd be any CMS on top as it just wouldn't be feasible would it?

Either you get to stay in the house but are on the hook for the daily expenses, or you move to a less expensive place and are able to use the CMS for child expenses.

Because someone has to be. Why would you assume you'd always be the better person to be RP? Surely that's what it is about right? Who is best to be RP?

Yes I thought more people would be in this kind of situation.

What about 50:50??

In families where you both want the best for the kids this isn’t what divorce looks like. There is no resident/ non resident parent.

50:50 shared care is optimal and standard.

I’m surprised you know so many parents willing to walk away from that - are they just shit parents? What’s their excuse?

That’s what often makes things acrimonious as neither person can agree on what they want. What you think might sound ‘right’ or ‘fair’ now in theory, is very different when it comes to living it.

If the only bedsit you could afford (because you want to pay half the mortgage) was dark, damp, horrible and 1.5/2 hours away from your kids, you’d easily might start thinking this wasn’t a good deal for you and get resentful that your ex is still in the marital home. You might get even more pissed off if he moved a new girlfriend into your old bedroom whilst you’re still in the bedsit.

How can you do 50/50 with no place for the kids to stay?

Because you have to sell the family home and /or someone buys the other out and then you each either rent and/or buy a house…

You need 2 equally sized homes for that. They both have to be suitable for the children to actually live in. You can't say, "make do" with one sleeping in the front room on a air mattress like you could for more occasional visits.

Did you read the thread?

The family home is sold or one of you buys the other out.

you are likely to both basically start again on 25 year mortgages in your new cheaper smaller homes

thisis wha divorce looks like. What you visualise is rare, and potentially a judge wouldn’t even sign it off as it’s so unfair to what you refer to as the NRP.

divorce doesn’t mean paying for a house you don’t live in whilst living in a shit hole. Clean break new life

Yeah but you have to pay for your kids and you've decided to split, so...

@GlovedhandsCecilia then you figure it out, they don’t have to be a equal size. My house is actually bigger than the “Family home” that I left. My children actually have a better standard of living in my house than they do in their dads. That’s not my fault that’s his fault. They don’t have to have a bedroom each. A two bed would be fine.

say you have a 500k house with £150k equity. One of you remortgages for £75k and pays the other of You get £75k each and take out whatever mortgage necessary to buy a property. With say 2 children of the same sex this could be a 2 bed flat. Or it’s considered acceptable to spend the £75k on rent

If you read the thread you'd see that isnt possible for everyone who is from and lives somewhere expensive, like London. Everything that makes life affordable for us is also in London. Keeping the house is what would be best for our kids.

Yes, I did, but you are being deliberately obtuse. If you want to divorce, then these things have to happen you cannot choose to live in squalor whilst your ex lives in the family home with your children and you then have to pay for that, no judge in their right mind would even allow that to happen

The thread was me asking how it works for other people. I did figure it out. That's how it would work for me.

So you need a solution that you are both happy with. I’m suggesting that your solution of one of you living in a crappy bedsit miles away, still paying half the mortgage and seeing the kids once a week whilst the other stays in the lovely family home with the kids will probably cause huge amounts of resentment and isn’t what people normally do for a good reason.

If you want to do it, crack on, I’m sure your husband will be thrilled.

Most other people when divorcing do one of the suggestions people have made on here though.