AIBU to wonder what one could afford as a non-resident parent?

[GlovedhandsCecilia]

To ask what you could afford if you had to split and you were the NRP.

I just worked out that if we were to split, I had to find a new place to live and pay CM, I'd only be able to afford a really bad studio or houseshare once I covered both their and my own necessities. That would mean I couldn't have them stay over.

To get a place I could have them stay over, I'd have to move a distance away that would make it hard to see them in the evenings given the distance, work and pure exhaustion on all sides.

I couldn't even see them every weekend because I have to work some weekends and I feel like at the moment, this job is the best paid job I could get. So if I did swap jobs to see them more, they'd get less CM and be worse off.

How would this situation look for you?

I wouldn't want my kids to lose that home. Nor would their dad. We couldn't have such a secure home locally.

You are determined to make up your own version of divorce that doesn’t align with the norm.

And im a Londoner buying my DH out of the family home by taking out a 30 year mortgage for 5 times my salary at the age of 42.

50:50 is optimal and standard starting point. You’re arguing with people who actually know what happens in divorce.

Then you can’t get divorced you’ll just have to live together unhappily

Let me tell you my story. I moved out. I rented. I started divorce proceedings.
After two years of divorce proceedings. He was ordered to buy me out of the house. And give me a certain amount of cash out of savings. Using the buyout and the cash I then purchased a new home, with a mortgage that I am paying until the grand old age of 66. The reason I managed to get a mortgage in my own right is because within that two years I also worked hard and got myself two promotions. So, that’s what I did, why?, Because you’re gonna be damned if I’m leaving my kids behind and not having them at least 50% of the time. These are the things we have to do if we want to get what we want. So that’s how it worked out for me. And no, he doesn’t pay me maintenance even though he still earns more.
and I am also not in London…

Your solution is for you to live miles away in a crappy bedsit, paying half the mortgage, seeing the kids once a week whilst your husband stays in the family home with the kids.

Why do you care what other people do as you are arguing that you don’t want to do those things anyway.

What would you do though, if your ex husband moves his new girlfriend into the house you’ve vacated? Still happy with your bedsit, paying half the mortgage and doing your 2 hour commute once a week to see your kids then? What if they have a baby or two?

and they’re ignoring the fact seeing you kids once a week makes you a shit parent

@GlovedhandsCecilia it’s not the only way…

I'd have to double my hours to full time. Salary would be about 3k take home and taking off CMS... Not a lot. Probably a 1 bed flat round here and an old car.

Tbh I think in the situation you describe, where keeping the family home is the priority, what would be more likely is that you would have to remain living together until one of you could afford to buy the other out, or one of you decides you want to sell up. Otherwise the only option would be to live with parents/other family, as you said many do live with parents after a marriage split.

Tbh my DH is an NRP and he had to live with his parents for around 3 or 4 years after his first marriage broke up, he was only able to move out when we moved in together. It wasn't possible for him to rent somewhere alone and pay CMS for 2 kids at the same time.

Exactly. What a bizarre choice the OP is making by trying to convince herself it’s the only way.

I would imagine her kids will be hugely impacted over the years by the thought and reality that their mum made the most odd decisions which meant they could only see her once a week whilst they were growing up!

Ok so your plan is for the kids to have a base in the family home. And not have a home with you. Will you pay the mortgage until it's completely paid off? And then your partner lives there for the rest of their life and you can finally put more money into honing yourself? Make it make sense.

Tbh I think in the situation you describe, where keeping the family home is the priority, what would be more likely is that you would have to remain living together until one of you could afford to buy the other out, or one of you decides you want to sell up.

Also with the caveat that if your relationship has deteriorated to the point you want to divorce, you are unlikely to want to remain living together and this would also cause issues when one or both of you start seeing someone new.

Eventually one of you will want to move on, even if that means just a fresh start somewhere not living with your ex.

People don't usually decide divorce is the best option if they are still amicable enough to remain living under the same roof with one of them effectively paying for the other to live in a nice house while they can't afford to house themselves. If anything I could see this happening temporarily out of guilt if one partner has left the other, but in that case it definitely wont go on indefinitely as they will likely want to move in with a new partner at some point and paying 2 mortgages/a mortgage and rent is just not sustainable for most.

i stayed in family house, took over mortgage and all bills (I was paying them anyway and could afford it). Ex moved in with family and then rented near work as didn’t want to prioritise seeing dc over work and hobbies and dating. Eventually when dc were bit older I increased work hours, took on a massive mortgage to pension age and bought him out. I will downsize and move somewhere cheaper in next few years as the mortgage isn’t sustainable long term and I won’t have same housing needs.

But if I had been financially worse off I would have slept on a sofa bed myself and lived anywhere before missing out on a close relationship with my dc. I can’t really understand a parent putting a house before their relationship with their kids. Having a disinterested parent is really damaging to children’s self esteem. They won’t thank a parent for being absent so they could have a nicer bedroom. I find your focus on the house really odd. But I also have never understood why exH walked away from time with his kids so easily.

When I first read this post, it was difficult to tell if it was a reverse and it felt like the OP wanted everyone to agree saying that her DH as the NR parent should have to pay half the mortgagee (as one of her posts talks about this being the ‘guy’ with everyone they know). I don’t think anyone would agree that was a sensible plan (unless he was a massively high earner) but then the OP said she would be the one to leave her children and be the NRP.

I can’t see why anyone on an internet forum would care if you wanted to live in a horrible bedsit, paying half the mortgage so your husband could carry on living in the house, but I would imagine your kids would had a lot to say (probably across years of therapy) why you chose to see them so little?!

What happens when dads new girlfriend is sleeping over? Staying for dinner? Moving in? Still happy to keep paying then? Because that’s what happens when people separate, they move on.

When people are separating, realities kick in and practical measures need to be taken.
You are catastrophising because you wouldn't want your kids disrupted. You can think like that because you aren’t separating!

Did you read this part of the post?

"How would this situation look for you?"

That part was meant to prompt you to respond how your finances and contact would look if you were the NRP.

Sadly you 💯 do NOT know how you’d behave if this was real.

I’m not even saying you’d behave like my ex. However I’d be amazed if you happily paid the mortgage for a property you no longer lived in, in some altruistic gesture, while living a limited life yourself.

You profess to believe this is the norm. It is not.

Yeah I am not sure how that would work. My husband is very much "do unto others.." so I think he would refrain from that type of relationship until the kids are grown up.

Not altruism. It would be for the kids.

The main lesson I learned when divorcing is “the man you are divorcing is NOT the man you married” don’t think that he wouldn’t @GlovedhandsCecilia because on divorcing he will never be the same…

Its the only way because that's what the numbers say.

What numbers?

We aren't unhappy. It's a theoretical situation. Sorry to disappoint you.

Our numbers. What we earn, what we have, what we could buy/rent and where if we separated.