Page 2 | AIBU to wonder what one could afford as a non-resident parent?

GlovedhandsCecilia · 2026-04-07T07:35:50+00:00

To ask what you could afford if you had to split and you were the NRP. I just worked out that if we were to split, I had to find a new place to live and pay CM, I'd only be able to afford a really bad studio or houseshare once I covered both their and my own necessities. That would mean I couldn't have them stay over. To get a place I could have them stay over, I'd have to move a distance away that would make it hard to see them in the evenings given the distance, work and pure exhaustion on all sides. I couldn't even see them every weekend because I have to work some weekends and I feel like at the moment, this job is the best paid job I could get. So if I did swap jobs to see them more, they'd get less CM and be worse off. How would this situation look for you?

RhaenysRocks · 07/04/2026 09:07

I think its true that both have to accept a likely drop in available funds. Since my ex sees the kids rarely, (his choice,) I did move further away. (Only AFTER he'd made his lack.of interest in regular contact clear). That did help as I was able to afford more housing wise than I could have done in the original area. I appreciate thats not always possible. I have found over many years on MN that an NRP who only pays cms is likely not goimg yo be that fussed if they are slightly further away. In the end, a split does come with costs of all sorts to all concerned but bottom line is that kids need support from both parents, an NRP has far more earning potential than an RP and cms rates are pathetic.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 07/04/2026 09:08

Usernamenotfound1 · 07/04/2026 09:02

This is it though isn’t it:

you can’t split one household income into two.

the rp is trapped in the child caring responsibility. Can’t progress their career and earn more unless the ex takes on more parenting. The ex can’t do that as they need to be earning to pay cms and rent, and can’t afford a suitable house to have the children anyway. To build up their lives again, get a house and an appropriate lifestyle for the kids and pay a decent rate of child support is all but impossible. If the rp has gone pt or is a sahm then that’s even harder to get out of the cycle as if the nrp has them more, they get less cms and the bills still need paying while they get their earnings back up.

often the nrp walks away with less as the rp needs a house to have the children, and can’t afford to buy them out so no deposit for their own place, no car to take the children anywhere etc.

sometimes I think both sides are two busy blaming the other - “she took everything” “he doesn’t pay enough” etc that the reality of the logistics is lost.

it’s a tough one. More people need to be aware of the realities of a financial split. It’s hard to start again with kids, whether that’s your career an rp, or your life/housing as a nrp.

There’s quite alot of wisdom here!

I know as a full time working rp I often feel I’m putting myself in an early grave!

Shinyandnew1 · 07/04/2026 09:08

GlovedhandsCecilia · 07/04/2026 09:04

Oh I wouldnt want to uproot my kids. We own around here so if we had to sell and buy 2 separate properties, it would never be around here and it would disrupt their whole lives as well as our support network. They wouldn't get a council home for years and renting would ultimately reduce their inheritance.

One person staying in our home with the kids is the way it would be. The other would have to help maintain that home until the kids are out of school.

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Well, if you choose to pay a mortgage of a house you are not living in, then you won’t have much money left over, yes. That’s your choice though and not something a court would expect you to do.

Original poster

GlovedhandsCecilia · 07/04/2026 09:08

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 07/04/2026 09:01

I think you should get legal advice.

Go with all of the figures re incomes and outgoings to hand.

You seem to have assumed a lot - you don’t have to pay towards the existing mortgage on top of CM, for example.

I would also think you need to factor in spending quality time with your DC above just being a money making machine, and spending a decent amount of time with them, not just on weekends. Every other weekend and a night during the week is fairly standard for primary aged children (although not everyone does the same, obviously).

This isn’t about my trying to suggest you should be trying to keep every penny you can - even by suggesting unrealistic or unworkable arrangements. The courts’ starting point is the needs of the parties, in particular their housing needs.

Being in the same area where the DC normally live is important.

So go with an open mind to seeing what a workable arrangement might be.

Im not in this situation. I'm just aware of what i could afford if I was. Its half the reason we are so nice to each other! We don't want this life!

Of course you'd have to help maintain the family home for your kids.

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RhaenysRocks · 07/04/2026 09:09

Maybe it should be worked out more like progressive tax..so under x amount its y%, under z amount its y+%.

Original poster

GlovedhandsCecilia · 07/04/2026 09:09

Shinyandnew1 · 07/04/2026 09:08

Well, if you choose to pay a mortgage of a house you are not living in, then you won’t have much money left over, yes. That’s your choice though and not something a court would expect you to do.

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Your kids are living there. I literally don't know anyone who is separated or divorced with young kids where this isn't happening. The guy in those circumstances still has to pay towards the mortgage

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Sartre · 07/04/2026 09:09

I’d have to pay £823 a month CM but I do have 5 DC so it’d be far less if I had the average 2. I asked GPT to break down what I’d have left for rent each month and it’s around 1.5k if I stretched myself to my limit. Not sure what that’d get me in the North but I think I’d be ok, better still with a mortgage.

DH earns similar to me and I know for a fact his bills with our 5 DC would be much higher than my measly £823 PCM would cover. Their school uniform (whilst obviously only once a year generally) is about £600.

What I also hate about the CM system in this country is the fact NRP’s pay less if they live with someone else’s children.

Shinyandnew1 · 07/04/2026 09:11

GlovedhandsCecilia · 07/04/2026 09:09

Your kids are living there. I literally don't know anyone who is separated or divorced with young kids where this isn't happening. The guy in those circumstances still has to pay towards the mortgage

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No, I don’t know anyone where this is the case, except where the dad is a very high earner.

In all other cases, the house has been sold and equity shared and then the dad pays CM or they share 50/50.

There are a few where they share the house and the mum and dad take turns to live in a separate flat but the kids stay put.

RhaenysRocks · 07/04/2026 09:12

GlovedhandsCecilia · 07/04/2026 09:09

Your kids are living there. I literally don't know anyone who is separated or divorced with young kids where this isn't happening. The guy in those circumstances still has to pay towards the mortgage

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Then unless they are a v high earner they are probably not also.payimg maintenance.

JustAnotherWhinger · 07/04/2026 09:15

GlovedhandsCecilia · 07/04/2026 09:09

Your kids are living there. I literally don't know anyone who is separated or divorced with young kids where this isn't happening. The guy in those circumstances still has to pay towards the mortgage

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They may choose to but they don’t have to.

Its far more normal for the house to be sold and they all move to a less nice area.

The only people I know who have the house still and are both contributing to the mortgage also have a small bed sit flat and the children stay in the house and the parents swap between the bedsit and the house when they are with the children’s

cadburyegg · 07/04/2026 09:16

I’m a RP, I work 30 hours a week. If I was the NRP I’d go full time and pay £480 a month maintenance. Quids in.

ClimeSlime · 07/04/2026 09:22

Usernamenotfound1 · 07/04/2026 09:02

This is it though isn’t it:

you can’t split one household income into two.

the rp is trapped in the child caring responsibility. Can’t progress their career and earn more unless the ex takes on more parenting. The ex can’t do that as they need to be earning to pay cms and rent, and can’t afford a suitable house to have the children anyway. To build up their lives again, get a house and an appropriate lifestyle for the kids and pay a decent rate of child support is all but impossible. If the rp has gone pt or is a sahm then that’s even harder to get out of the cycle as if the nrp has them more, they get less cms and the bills still need paying while they get their earnings back up.

often the nrp walks away with less as the rp needs a house to have the children, and can’t afford to buy them out so no deposit for their own place, no car to take the children anywhere etc.

sometimes I think both sides are two busy blaming the other - “she took everything” “he doesn’t pay enough” etc that the reality of the logistics is lost.

it’s a tough one. More people need to be aware of the realities of a financial split. It’s hard to start again with kids, whether that’s your career an rp, or your life/housing as a nrp.

This ^

There are so many posts here hating on the NRP ex which don’t consider the fact that they’re worse off too. So many posts saying “well he should go to court for 50/50” without appreciating that’d mean the kids live in two substandard houses and spend time in paid childcare instead of work.

Tacohill · 07/04/2026 09:23

Usually the NRP is better off.

If you never lived together then you would 100% be better off but it’s the moving out which is costing you money.

Surely you either cover half the mortgage OR pay CM - I’ve never heard of anyone doing both.
But even if they did, the amount of CM depends on your salary and outgoing costs - if you’re paying a mortgage plus rent then you wouldn’t pay hardly any CM.

I do think the best thing to do would be if your ex could buy you out/take over the mortgage and then you pay CM.

Whats going to happen if they have a new partner move in, a new baby etc?
Are you going to still be happy paying half the mortgage?

I have heard of some husbands paying half the mortgage but I don’t understand why and I think that causes things to get very messy.

Could they stay overnight at your parents with you for now?

Backpain2026 · 07/04/2026 09:23

If a couple own a house and they split up, then the house is sold. Each party gets half the equity and buys somewhere else.

Two properties are obviously going to be much smaller and not as nice as the one original property but that's an inevitability of splitting up.

You don't get to split up, have them still pay the mortgage and you get to live in the nice house without them. Doesn't work like that.

If you want both people to keep paying the mortgage then they both need to live there

Original poster

GlovedhandsCecilia · 07/04/2026 09:25

Backpain2026 · 07/04/2026 09:23

If a couple own a house and they split up, then the house is sold. Each party gets half the equity and buys somewhere else.

Two properties are obviously going to be much smaller and not as nice as the one original property but that's an inevitability of splitting up.

You don't get to split up, have them still pay the mortgage and you get to live in the nice house without them. Doesn't work like that.

If you want both people to keep paying the mortgage then they both need to live there

Yeah maybe because of where I live, but people dont seem to sell the martial home. Probably because they couldn't afford another one in the same area and the parents want to minimise disruption to the kids.

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Original poster

GlovedhandsCecilia · 07/04/2026 09:26

Tacohill · 07/04/2026 09:23

Usually the NRP is better off.

If you never lived together then you would 100% be better off but it’s the moving out which is costing you money.

Surely you either cover half the mortgage OR pay CM - I’ve never heard of anyone doing both.
But even if they did, the amount of CM depends on your salary and outgoing costs - if you’re paying a mortgage plus rent then you wouldn’t pay hardly any CM.

I do think the best thing to do would be if your ex could buy you out/take over the mortgage and then you pay CM.

Whats going to happen if they have a new partner move in, a new baby etc?
Are you going to still be happy paying half the mortgage?

I have heard of some husbands paying half the mortgage but I don’t understand why and I think that causes things to get very messy.

Could they stay overnight at your parents with you for now?

When i worked out how much CM I'd pay, pretty sure it didnt ask for my rent.

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Backpain2026 · 07/04/2026 09:29

Just wait until the kids leave school until you split up then.

You know what the situation is, if you don't want to sell the house, that's up to you, but that's not typical or normal

Shinyandnew1 · 07/04/2026 09:32

GlovedhandsCecilia · 07/04/2026 09:25

Yeah maybe because of where I live, but people dont seem to sell the martial home. Probably because they couldn't afford another one in the same area and the parents want to minimise disruption to the kids.

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So, where are the NRP living in all these situations you know about? If they live somewhere nice, they probably earn a lot more than you.

Beat bet is to sell the house and divide equity or rotate adults through a bed sit whilst the kids stay in the house. That’s very difficult if new partners come on the scene though.

No arrangement would expect you to pay half the mortgage of a house you’re not living in if that wouldn’t afford you anywhere sensible to live. You seem to want to do this, but it doesn’t sound like you earn enough to make it happen.

Backpain2026 · 07/04/2026 09:37

And sadly this is the trade off people have to make.

Is the relationship so shitty that's its worth moving into a less nice house and disrupting the kids lives or not. That is basically the decision to make.

Unless someone is a very big earner and can afford to run multiple households, then they have to do a trade off calculation

Original poster

GlovedhandsCecilia · 07/04/2026 09:38

Shinyandnew1 · 07/04/2026 09:32

So, where are the NRP living in all these situations you know about? If they live somewhere nice, they probably earn a lot more than you.

Beat bet is to sell the house and divide equity or rotate adults through a bed sit whilst the kids stay in the house. That’s very difficult if new partners come on the scene though.

No arrangement would expect you to pay half the mortgage of a house you’re not living in if that wouldn’t afford you anywhere sensible to live. You seem to want to do this, but it doesn’t sound like you earn enough to make it happen.

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Back with parents or in a studio or houseshare. Some have had to move far away.

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Original poster

GlovedhandsCecilia · 07/04/2026 09:39

Backpain2026 · 07/04/2026 09:29

Just wait until the kids leave school until you split up then.

You know what the situation is, if you don't want to sell the house, that's up to you, but that's not typical or normal

This isnt a situation for me, as I said, i think half the reason we are so nice to each other is that we dont want that smoke!

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SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 07/04/2026 09:40

GlovedhandsCecilia · 07/04/2026 08:59

Wouldn't you have to contribute to the current mortgage you have with your spouse?

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Nope we'd sell and split equity.
I'd argue the current home was wildly excessive for his needs.

Original poster

GlovedhandsCecilia · 07/04/2026 09:41

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 07/04/2026 09:40

Nope we'd sell and split equity.
I'd argue the current home was wildly excessive for his needs.

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Are there kids to consider?

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Morepositivemum · 07/04/2026 09:41

GlovedhandsCecilia

You could sell and both rent if you couldn’t buy, I know people who did this

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 07/04/2026 09:47

GlovedhandsCecilia · 07/04/2026 09:41

Are there kids to consider?

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Yes 2 under 5... Hence the 5k pm childcare bill.

I do not get what you want from this thread. NRP have an easy time with far more disposable Cash vs their coutnerpart.

My dh and I both earn over 100k and both of us would be up shit creek if the other person pissed off and saw the kids every other weekend while paying minimum cms. While the "leaver" would be having a grand old time.

NRP aren't getting a raw deal.