Holiday at the time of grandchild’s birth

[Ferguson0909]

My son is having a second baby in June. They will also have a 23 month old. There is a three day festival in another country I want to go to at that time. I was going to make it into a two week holiday.
they live 350 miles away so I would have to stay in a hotel. They have no other grandparents help.
Would I be unreasonable to go?

It’s very sad you’d rather be at a festival than be around for the first few days of your grandchild’s life. You will not get that time back.

Have you promised them to go help out with the older child? Or you assume they expect you to be there?

What is the plan for looking after the 23 month old while your son and DIL are in hospital?

Do they want you to help? Have you asked them? When do they want help? At the birth, after he's gone back from paternity leave? Before the birth if he's still working to help with DC1?

You need to speak to them.

How many weeks will she be when you want to go? I think if it were me giving birth and you went when I was full term I’d be quite upset that you prioritised a holiday.

I'd say go, no telling when baby will arrive and you can be there to help (if that's what you want to do) when you get back. Would be such a shame if you missed the trip and baby didn't even come during those three days!

Lots of people also like to have a bubble in the first few days/week so they might even be hoping for a bit of peace to get used to the new arrival (I'm due #3 this year and that's certainly my plan). But then I'm quite independent and had my last two children without any family living close by enough to help. If your son might be relying on you to look after the older child whilst they're having the baby then perhaps checking he has a plan b first would be a kindness?

Edited to say I just clocked you'd be away two weeks. I'd still talk to your son. Would all depend on if you'd agreed already to be on hand or not.

Well that depends @Ferguson0909
What is your relationship like with your son? Has he asked for your help?
Who else could be there for your grandchild if you can’t?

Given the distance, you clearly won’t see your grandchild regularly as it is…this is a wonderful opportunity to spend more time with them.

Festival sounds fun… but I’m family first and I couldn’t imagine putting that ahead of my son if he needed my help. To be contemplating this makes me think you’re not that close. And that’s a shame.

I know everything is meant to stop at a hint of a baby being anywhere but I would have no issue at all with my parents or inlaws going to something very important to them if I was in this situation

People do not have to revolve themselves around grandchildren and I thought these days grandparents were not allowed anywhere near because of ''boundaries''' and needing permission to visit

To answer a couple of questions.
Yes. They would absolutely want me there. I spend a lot of time there already. At their request.
DIL has a difficult time coping with her first born.
Reading these comments I think I may be unreasonable in going. There is always next year.

I think I sometimes get irritated that they take me for granted. Sometimes I am exhausted when I come back. I am 70 and not as fit as I used to be.

If there is always next year and you know they will appreciate the help, I don’t know why you were even thinking of going in the first place

Go to the festival. Maybe they won't take you for granted quite so much when you get back if they've had to cope without you!

My mum had just retired when I had my second DC do she was able to come up and help with DC1, which she offered to do. But a lot of my friends didn't have family nearby to help and we all helped with looking after their older DC. In my circle no one would have thought bad of you for taking a holiday at that time.

If you think your son and DIL are taking the piss with their expectations that is a separate issue and you need to be a bit firmer about what you want to do. They shouldn't invite you to stay and then just put you to straight to work.

Which is why you shouldn’t put your life on hold. It’s their responsibility to sort childcare, I bet if faced with the possibility of your son having to look after the child and missing the birth, they would manage to sort something out!

Really? What if there is another baby due next year? Op has her own life to lead and they have had the time from finding out DIL was pregnant to make sure there was more than one plan in place.

OP says it tires her out and she feels unappreciated

If DILwas struggling to cope with one, it will only get worse with more and OP could find herself running round even more and miss any chance to go to the festival in future.

In many families, grandparents - especially the father's parents - are actively not wanted during the first days after a child's birth. I've seen many posts on this topic here on MN: "AIBU to tell MIL she has to wait to see new baby?" sort of thing.

You’re 70 and should enjoy the festival. If you were in your 40s/50s then I’d say no to the festival so you can help with the toddler and baby. The baby will still be a newborn when you come back from the festival.

I don’t think she should put her life on hold in general, but I think for the birth itself, it’s reasonable.

Go if you want. My mum went to the other side of the world for 6 weeks when my 2nd son was born. When she got back he was at a more interesting age. I was also more settled.
If your daughter was on her own I would have a different view of course.

Go help out for the birth BUT there’s a conversation that needs to be had about how much you’re being asked to do in general. Particularly with another many in th mix

Some of the comments on this thread are depressing - prioritising gratification over family. There are times when we should be selfless. And those times when you are truly needed will probably be when you feel under appreciated because your family might not have time or energy for social niceties because they’re just surviving.

This matters and will set the tone for your future relationship. If you care about them at all, pull it out the bag now.

And if you’re retired, what does it really matter if you’re tired afterwards?!

I think it’s sad that you feel you can’t go. They are adults who have chosen to have another child. They can sort something out. It sounds like you may be expected to do even more for them going forward, esp if DIL struggled before.

I think with two functioning adults in the family then they should be well able to sort themselves out for a few days- barring some sort of severe crisis.

My ILs were deceased and my parents live in Australia. I had both my Dcs without their help, and the first was 23 months when the second was born. DH was able to stand up and parent quite effectively when DS2 and I were in hospital for 5 days. I know that having an extra set of hands would be 'nice, lovely, convenient' but I don't really see why the OP should put her life on hold.

You have all convinced me that I should not go.
i think a part of me was just feeling resentful because I am just taken for granted. I do everything when I am there just to give her a break. Cooking. Cleaning. Childcare. The lot.
i clearly need to stop being a doormat.

Then you should talk to them about what you can realistically manage by way of visits and practical help in the coming months and years, rather than expressing yourself indirectly by planning a holiday. Be with them for the birth , it's such an important time.