Holiday at the time of grandchild’s birth

[Ferguson0909]

My son is having a second baby in June. They will also have a 23 month old. There is a three day festival in another country I want to go to at that time. I was going to make it into a two week holiday.
they live 350 miles away so I would have to stay in a hotel. They have no other grandparents help.
Would I be unreasonable to go?

The relationship may never recover, homestly who would withdrawal their support when they were needed most. This nowhere near as significant but our hoisekeeper left us the week before Christmas with a bare week's notice. It is complicated how she stayed in our lives but my relationship with her never recovered. I would think this would be the case 100X

She can’t cope with one, to the extent she is not even doing the childcare when the husband is home.

So to have another child in the knowledge that she’s even less likely to cope with a baby and toddler and will be relying on her MIL is crazy.

My mum wouldn't travel for the birth of my second. I was terrified that I would have to birth alone if my husband had to look after my eldest. I've never really forgiven her for it.

Don't go if you feel resentful. They chose to have another baby knowing they already struggle having one child. You are allowing yourself to be a "doormat". If you don't want to do all the cooking/cleaning then don't, put your boundaries in and don't be a silent seether.

I would say there is absolutely ground to discuss how much support you will give in general if you feel you are being taken for granted. However at the time of labour is surely the one time you would try to help if you could! My parents for reasons of their own had looked after my six year old without me and my husband less than a handful of times but they came up to look after her when I was actually giving birth to my youngest and I was very thankful they did!

They need her - if they cut her off they lose that support. What do they do for the OP?

Do you not have any other relationships you can call on? I had my children at my births.

Well good for you. Personally despite uncomplicated pregnancies and straightforward births (2) I found late pregnancy with a toddler the hardest 5 weeks of my life ( she was 9 days late).

Did you not have anyone else/a plan b?

Her parents are still alive.

I feel for you OP, it’s important to do things whilst you’re still able and it’s frustrating that your DH and DDIL decided to have another DC when they seem to struggle so much with one. However I do think you wouldn’t enjoy yourself if you left them to it and went to the festival instead, but definitely go next year. Can you have a word with your DS about how you’re feeling. Suggest that they should get in a cleaner and nanny for longer term support and start pulling back a bit after the birth.

But she has struggled all along with one child so why add to that?

Can you message your son. Say you are considering xyz dates to travel. & you are really excited.
Basically wait & see their reaction. If they are planning a nanny they can get organised now.
You say they take you for granted,
Alot of people manage alone !
If it was me I’d go a few days later.
(IMO The mother should not be having a second if she is incapable of managing the child & home she already has)

I had very complicated pregnancies for the last two and a very difficult delivery. One of mine was more than two weeks late. What did I do? I got on with it. What else are you going to do? I had no help but that was fine. I chose to have them. Luckily my mother was able to come for the last one when I needed extra support, but someone would have done it if she couldn't have. One baby and one toddler is really not that hard. If it is, why go on for another one?

This is Mumsnet, where you are instructed to tell your parent that you are choosing their nursing home, so they better toe your line. High risk stakes for the OP!

I'd go to the festival but perhaps not for 2wks.

Her sister can look after the toddler so that your son can go to the hospital when she gives birth.

He will be having paternity leave.

You will be there when he goes back to work.

For me, I would always prioritise helping out my son and his wife at such a tender time. My mother was a fantastic help to me when all three of my children were born. It's up to you, of course but it would make it much more difficult for them with a toddler to look after but I daresay they'll manage.

You should absolutely set boundaries with them though. I hear you want to give your son a break but it is his wife/life to sort out and you sound like you deserve a break too!

I had no one, and I don't think that's very unusal for people who move cities as adults.

I moved cities. I had friends from social groups. I know if my neighbour I dont' know well was in this situation, I'd be happy to step up to help them for a birth. My midwife would have been able to help recommend a helper if I had no-one. These days you can even hire a doula or other support workers.

they Hopefully seriously thought it through, having another baby, when the DIL can’t cope with one child. We are a family of 4 and have zero help since my mum died (she was far far younger than OP) and it’s bloody hard. I have no social life or friends because my whole life are my children and I have no choice. But you know what, I just pull up my big girl pants and get on with it because there’s nothing I can do about it. But I’m sure your son in particular is very grateful for your help OP, it just sounds a bit like he really depends on you and is so caught up with life he’s not good at expressing it. It’s nice you have a hotel and get respite from childcare duties. That’s good for your mental well-being. But my main point is, is that your efforts will be appreciated. They are just rubbish at expressing it. My advice is to be there for the babies birth. This is your opportunity to meet and bond with the little one and you may live to regret not being there.

How do you miracle up family / supports that don't exist?

Would you really be happy to ask your neighbour, who you had spoken to a handful of times, to look after your toddler?

I can’t believe you need to do so much for her. As a new mum with a toddler I just got on with it. I was home 24 hours after I had the baby, my toddler was looked after by my husband. He then went back to work and I as I said, just got on with it. Maybe dont do so much OP, let the new mum work it out herself.

No, I wouldn't, but I would expect that they could get to know me over a few months and then decide.

I couldn’t cope with being pregnant, some people find it really hard and feel really ill, if she is looking after a toddler all day and feeling like I did, her husband absolutely should be doing all the childcare and cleaning. It’s only for a few months and I’m sure if he was ill at any point in the future she would extend the same care to him. My mum and MIL both used to come and help me and my husband when I was pregnant and were happy to help us. I don’t think I ever asked them to either.
If you are cycling 100 miles a week you are clearly fit and healthy at 70 and much more capable than someone who is struggling with a pregnancy.